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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told Dh I wasn't happy - now I need advice

81 replies

Mosschops30 · 10/03/2013 21:30

Some of you will know me and Dh haven't had the greatest last year.
He's been disrespectful, lazy, rude etc etc.
My argument was that it was ok because he worked hard, didnt beat me and didn't fuck other women.

We almost separated in a January then decided to have a trial few months. In that time he hasn't said he hasn't said he loves me, we haven't done anything as a couple, still haven't had sex (it's been 6 months now) and no intimacy either.
Tonight I told him I wasn't happy and he's said that I'm looking for something that nobody has, said I'm going to ruin the dcs life just because I'd prefer to be on my own, that I'm needy 'just like my mother', that everyone lives like this and he can't see what the problem is because he's quite happy!

Not sure what to say or do now, really need some opinions and advice.

He is a good father, has started taking to parties etc, started making me tea in the morning, but there is no love, intimacy or respect between us and that depresses me Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosschops30 · 13/03/2013 20:45

More of that please anyfucker!!

Why is it at times like this you just remember the good stuff??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/03/2013 21:02

Because you have the "buyer's remorse" phenomena

you spend a long time choosing that car, that washing machine, that house

you think you are totally there, have made the right decision

then that little fucking devil on your shoulder pipes up

are you sure ? what about x, y, z, is it the right area, the right cc, will it wash my clothes properly

etc

it is a normal reaction to making such a huge decision

what I suggest you do is ride it out

you know what is the best thing to do...it's just there is always another dialogue trying to sabotage you

the same dialogue that has kept you there for too long

cjel · 13/03/2013 21:21

My Xdh was really abusive, is still being weird to dcs(30 and 28) I am convinced he is in the middle of a breakdown as are friends and family, I was abused in every way and then I went to college got a life and he took another woman out for a meal but sometimes when I sit in my lovely home with complete peace and happiness I could cry for the imagined loss I have. Someone said to me that I am mourning but that what I mourn is a myth!!! I think its so hard, either you remember the truth and feel miserable or you remember the myth and feel miserable!! It goes get much easier and you will feel better and better and better!!!

ClippedPhoenix · 13/03/2013 21:22

Everyone has a right to be with someone that they want to be with.

I've just left a very viable partner. He was a good earner a good supporter. Had a job that all the girls wet themselves over. He was as boring as fuck. He was a misery.

I ended up not wanting to spend any time with him whatsoever.

There was nothing there.

That for me was a good enough reason.

ClippedPhoenix · 13/03/2013 21:25

What Im trying to say is don't settle just because they might not fit into the abusive catagory.

You don't ever have to put up with things just because they arent that bad. I'ts soul destroying for you.

cjel · 13/03/2013 21:33

couldn't agree more. Next time it has to suit me or it isn't happening!!!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/03/2013 02:24

Well done, moss. I know it doesn't feel like it right now. If it helps to think of it this way, there's nothing in 'the rules' that says that you can't try again in a year if you both want to. But I suspect you won't. This has been going on a long time, and I think there's going to be some happiness for you in the future, without him.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 14/03/2013 07:08

Isn't it different though if you're just in a relationship.
I'm walking away from a marriage and destroying my kids lives because I don't want to settle, that makes me feel bad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/03/2013 07:22

Moss, then stay.

Not being arsey love, but where would you like to be in 12 months time ? Still unhappy and frustrated, regretting that you didn't follow through (again) ?

Longdistance · 14/03/2013 07:26

I think your dh has blackmailed you as such, that he keeps mentioning the kids happiness.

What about your happiness? Where does that come in?

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 14/03/2013 08:43

anyfucker can you come and stay for 3 months Grin just so you can give me a quick slap when I need it.

I told him to stop bringing the kids into it, he says I've instigated this and it's only me who's unhappy!

OP posts:
fubbsy · 14/03/2013 11:25

Anyway you won't be "destroying your kids lives." Don't be such a drama queen.

You love them, their dad loves them. They will be fine.

mummytime · 14/03/2013 11:39

Was your relationship you would dream of your kids having when they are grown up? If not then its a good thing that you have stopped modelling it for them to copy.

onefewernow · 14/03/2013 11:52

He says its only you who is unhappy.

There are a number if ways to read that, including the one which means your feelings, wants and needs don't count. Su it is a continuation of the same message. Which is put up and shut up.

He accepts no responsibility then.

Of course he will blame you for all of this, as it must be mightily inconvenient to him . After all, he had life set up just how he likes it.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2013 12:47

I can be hired out for a small fee and I take up very little house room Smile

fuzzpig · 14/03/2013 12:59

Moss, I remember a few of your threads and you are totally doing the right thing.

If you had an adult daughter, who was in a relationship like this, what would you say? Would you tell her to put up with it? Or would you tell her that she deserves to be happy and that she would be better off without someone who is draining her happiness?

cjel · 14/03/2013 15:16

I'll come Moss with anyf and remind you he is starting to be EA. You have a right to not be miserable, he is not willing to try to help you be happy, How on earth can that be good for your dcs to see? I'll remind you that if he is telling you that you have to live your whole life miserable in order to make your dcs happy hes talking nonsense!!!

Badvoc · 14/03/2013 15:22

Only you who is unhappy?
Oh, well that's ok then.
As ing as its only you.
You don't matter a fuck, do you?
Sigh.
He has done a real number on you hasn't he?

Springdiva · 14/03/2013 15:36

Just want to say that if Mum isn't happy the DCs probably aren't truly happy either.

My DM wasn't happy much of the time. We DCs always put a brave face on as we didn't want to upset her/ add to her problems.

I hope you can explain to DCs that mummy and daddy aren't happy together so are separating but you still both love DCs etc etc.

Their DFs behaviour could confuse them.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 14/03/2013 15:54

Thing is I could've lumped it because it wasn't awful.
But life is too short, even if I'm on my own forever it's better than feeling like that, I know that.

We have had a lovely chat this afternoon and so far we are being very grown up and sensible. Just hope it continues

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2013 16:20

I think that AF coming to stay with you for three months is an excellent idea along with cjel. I think I'll also join you two as well if that's alright.

You have history and memory can serve at times to just remember the good times. If you were to look closer though you would likely see that the "good times" were not that great really and are becoming fewer and further between.

Given his past behaviour, this happy state will not likely continue. He may well become even more unreasonable and belligerent if he senses you are truly serious about leaving. I can see what he is getting out of this dysfunctional relationship so of course he's bloody happy, but you?. You're too good for him honestly, he needed someone like you to drag down to his level.

cjel · 14/03/2013 16:32

I had two girlfriends lodge with me last year when we split and it was fantastic, one 10yrs older and wise and one 20yrs younger, had 6months of learning how to live for me, It was great!! I'm def up for all the girls getting together to support OP. Attilla the more the merrier!!!

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 14/03/2013 17:01

GrinGrin You can take it in turns to come and talk sense into me

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/03/2013 17:03

Do you provide cake? I'll bring the Wine Wine

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 14/03/2013 17:06

I can do cake and wine Grin
You need to bring a wet fish to slap me with.
I'm in cardiff tis quite nice Smile

OP posts: