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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told Dh I wasn't happy - now I need advice

81 replies

Mosschops30 · 10/03/2013 21:30

Some of you will know me and Dh haven't had the greatest last year.
He's been disrespectful, lazy, rude etc etc.
My argument was that it was ok because he worked hard, didnt beat me and didn't fuck other women.

We almost separated in a January then decided to have a trial few months. In that time he hasn't said he hasn't said he loves me, we haven't done anything as a couple, still haven't had sex (it's been 6 months now) and no intimacy either.
Tonight I told him I wasn't happy and he's said that I'm looking for something that nobody has, said I'm going to ruin the dcs life just because I'd prefer to be on my own, that I'm needy 'just like my mother', that everyone lives like this and he can't see what the problem is because he's quite happy!

Not sure what to say or do now, really need some opinions and advice.

He is a good father, has started taking to parties etc, started making me tea in the morning, but there is no love, intimacy or respect between us and that depresses me Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosschops30 · 12/03/2013 14:59

Great post Fliss Smile

I am past wanting to do relate

OP posts:
Snowidea · 12/03/2013 15:36

I could be you if you add some anger issues and a man who HAS made an effort, but is starting to slip and I'm not really bothered. If I could afford to I would go even though everything is 'ok' now (in his eyes at least) but the fear of being broke, upset kids, facing everyone and the wroth that would follow has kept me here, I hate myself for being so pathetic but i'm just not there yet.
Have never been one for staying 'for the kids' I don't think thats healthy for anyone, I think you know whats right you just need to be brave enough, one day I'll join you.

BadLad · 12/03/2013 15:43

If he's happy not doing things as a couple, not having sex, not having any intimate words etc etc, then there's nothing wrong with that.

Similarly, if you want those things, then there's nothing wrong with that either.

But the two statements do contradict each other to the point that the two of you don't seem to be compatible, and it probably would be best to call time on the relationship. Which, I realise, is easier said than done.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 12/03/2013 18:44

snowidea I've been where you are now, making do, I'm starting to see the light though and realise that I'm worth more than this.
I know I have so much shit ahead, but hopefully at the end I will still have a good relationship with Dh, happy children and a house of my own Smile

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 12/03/2013 18:54

It's not that you're not blissfully happy though, it's that you're utterly, utterly miserable and he isn't willing to change anything because your happiness is not important to him and he thinks that you should just be ok with feeling crappy and unloved because it suits him to have you around and he thinks that the children will be happier with two parents under one roof.

He's wrong, you know. Your children want a happy mother. and they deserve one! And more than that, they deserve role models that model (sorry for repetition, can't think of a better word) a healthy relationship. Because when the time comes for them to find a partner - they will have your relationship as their guide.

And I am sure you want more for them than that.

He's had his chance to work with you to put things right and it didn't matter enough to him. His clear message is Put Up And Shut Up. Sad

ScampiFriesRuleOK · 12/03/2013 20:58

I could have written this exact same post OP. Very similar to my own dilemma. I've confided in my dm today who has encouraged me to contact Relate on my own. I too had thought that Im past Relate (in terms of couple-therapy) but apparently they can be very helpful in 1:1 context to help you work out your options and whether you want the relationship.

Im going to bite the bullet tomorrow and contact Relate. Will you join me in making the call? Wine

SugarPasteGreyhound · 12/03/2013 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 12/03/2013 21:38

Thanks so much for such great supportive posts Smile it's helpful to read all this

OP posts:
fengirl1 · 12/03/2013 21:47

Moss - much of what you say echoes with my situation a few years back.... In all of this you don't mention love. Do you still love him? If you really pin him down would he say he still loves you? Therein lies your answer - if either if you say no, then maybe it's just not good enough to carry on. Hmm

cjel · 12/03/2013 21:52

I would say that it would be good to make your decision like he wants. You don't like things as they are so make the changes you want. Horrid suggesting that if you do what makes you happy then dcs won't, hes not telling the truth - how does he know they are even happy now with your situation? kids should be seeing love and cuddles in their parents marriage. Even if the separation is temporary while you two do make your marriage work I think separation is a healthy option and by the way it doesn't have to mean you have a tough time ahead.

SugarPasteGreyhound · 12/03/2013 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 12/03/2013 22:07

Well apparently everyone we know lives like this so that makes it perfectly normal!!!

I don't love him no, he's stripped all that away. I respect him as our children's father, and he is a good dad, but we don't make each other happy Hmm

OP posts:
Toastismyfriend · 12/03/2013 22:20

I am going against the grain here but i would say all marriages need effort from both sides, he may be feeling quite defeated knowing he is a good dad and a good man but he can't make you happy and you're looking at ways to get him out. Yes, i know the kids will be fine, but they will also be very sad at times . I know from personal childhood experience. Yes i know the 'you deserve better etc etc' but real life has ups and downs..i have a great marriage (18 years) but there have been times, esp when the kids are small when it has been dull and tiring too. We are too stubborn to give up though.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 12/03/2013 22:31

Dull and tiring?

Did he still respect you?
Did he think his job was more important than yours?
Did he support you in decisions?
Did he still offer you a kiss or a huh when it was full and tiring?
Did he help with housework, laundry, childcare?

If he did, then that's why you stayed.
If he didn't then you're as stupid as me Hmm

OP posts:
cjel · 12/03/2013 22:41

Moss -you are not stupid you are aware that things aren't right and being very proactive in trying to make all your family happy.xx

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/03/2013 04:02

Moss - my parents split when I was 4, and I've never ever found that to be difficult. I'm sure my mum would have preferred a life where she wasn't a single mother - it was hard work! - but not at the expense of no love, no affection, no respect. For me, it was just how it was, and it was fine, and I'm fine.

I fail to see how you are the selfish one, if he's saying flat out that he won't make any effort at all to stop being disrespectful, lazy and rude because "it wouldn't be being true to himself". If HE is telling you that his TRUE SELF is disrespectful, lazy, rude, etc., then listen to him!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 13/03/2013 04:58

My parents have been married for over 50 years, they haven't shared a bed for about 20, and they have never ever showed each other any affection in front of us kids (or in private).

When I first met my husband and used to see his mum and dad cuddling and being affectionate to each other, I thought it was lovely and I realised that my parents have never been like that. It is very sad and I feel sorry that two people have stayed together "for the sake of the kids" at the cost of their own happiness.

We all have one life, and we all deserve love, respect and happiness to be in it!

Miserble isn't good for kids. x

AnyFucker · 13/03/2013 07:29

He is wrong. Not everyone lives like this.

onefewernow · 13/03/2013 11:46

Moss, that is a good list to start.

I think the central thing once you have such a list, is to ask whether there is any hope of change.

Your h has been quite articulate that there is not, other than tiny things around the edges.

You know you cant control him, and also that he has no intention of changing, and sees no reason why he should.

So why are you there?

The thing is, you are putting alot of mental effort into it all, which means that you wont be able to free space in your head in which to move forward with your life. Trying to live like this is the worst of all possible worlds rally, because you are not so much 'in a relationship', and neither can you start another one. You cant, either, start thing about a differently organised life, because you are preoccupied with the unsatisfactory one you have.

This leads to depression.

Here are more things which allow a person over time, tiny bit by bit, to slip into depression and apathy:

lack of respect from your partner
His job/world is more important than you, or your life
Lack of support in decisions
no emotional intimacy
no sex
no help with housework, laundry, childcare

and worst of all, feeling stupid for doing nothing about it.

So, compare that with your list above.

Hope I dont sound patronising- been there myself.

lemonstartree · 13/03/2013 12:12

It's not that you're not blissfully happy though, it's that you're utterly, utterly miserable

THIS.

So often the conversation goes 'Im not happy'... when it should start with @I am utterly miserable' .... too often the woman (usually) sucks it up at the 'Im not happy' stage.... for the sake of the family...

I left my H because I was utterly utterly miserable. He was fine and dandy but I had lost all respect, love and even vague affection for him. (He was a drug user and alcoholic who put his addictions before everything and everyone else)

I have a new DP now, its not perfect, its real; but I adore him and what makes the difference is that if I am not happy I can say so and he will TRY to do stuff to make it better. My happiness MATTERS to him - and he will try to support me. this is in what he DOES not just what he says....I believe I am modelling a relationship for my kids now I would be happy for them to have. OK its not with their Dad, but its a good model not a crap one...

Its hard, but it can be done. People leave marriages ALL THE TIME. just do it. I really doubt you will regret it...

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 13/03/2013 19:03

Once again thank you for great supportive posts Smile

I'm still at stalemate, not quite sure how to say 'er I want you to leave'.
I don't want confrontation, I'm too tired, I have no motivation to argue because I'm done

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosschops30 · 13/03/2013 19:58

I've done it.
He started off being a bit mean but I didn't enter into any argument.
He's gone out in tears and very upset, I hate seeing him like that Hmm

He has said the kids should stay with me, he will give me money for them and wants to split the house 50/50

OP posts:
cjel · 13/03/2013 20:13

Oh dear, well done for speaking up, how do you feel?

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 13/03/2013 20:19

So sad Hmm for him, for my marriage and for my dcs

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/03/2013 20:33

Moss, this has been a long time coming

you can feel sorry for him

up to a point

he has had many opportunities along the way to step up

but he chose not to

remember that