There are some really terrible experiences on this thread and I am recognising so many similarities with my relationship with my mother.
As with us all, there are so many occasions where I have been on the receiving end of my mother's toxicity - it is just the norm now. I know that every phone call, family gathering or visit to her house is going to be difficult.
I really identify with what Doublelife said about not being allowed a life outside the one her mother gave her. My mother wanted carbon copies of herself, two daughters she could manipulate, play off against each other and control. My dad has always been her enabler, without a doubt. But both my sister and I have, at different times in ours lives, also played that role.
Once we found lives of our own; boyfriends, husbands, children, she couldn't cope with the lack of control over us.
Two days after I had my first child, when I was a hormonal wreck, battered from a traumatic delivery and trying to make sense of it all; she sat in my son's room, as I struggled to feed him, and she cried, saying that she had nothing worth living for, and that my son would "turn on me". My beautiful, innocent baby. I can never forgive her for trying to ruin my chance at motherhood. Four years on, I feel anger, resentment and sadness.
I have tried to keep her at arms length since then and i feel sad that, unlike so many of my friends, I don't have a supportive mother to champion my own attempts at being a parent. Her words haunt me and there are so many other things she has said to undermine my capability as a mother.
I find that I am punishing her by not giving her time with her grandchildren, basically because I feel so uncomfortable in her company. We see them about once a month. But is this fair on my DCs? How do those of you with toxic parents, help your own children to have a relationship with their grandparents?