OK, I've read much of this thread and alarm bells are ringing.
My mother: always critical of gifts, emotionally distant, says things (and always has done), such as 'You don't want to do X, do you?' (thus putting a dampener on anything I might have actually wanted to do; when I did succeed, I'd get, 'I knew it would be easy for you' (dismissing how hard I'd actually tried); if I cocked something up, 'Is that all you got? (grade/salary etc).
She never even asked to come shopping with me when I got engaged and was looking for a dress.
She can bring up references to the part of my family connected to someone who abused me without even realising she is hurting me...
Her coldness used to deeply frustrate and sadden me when I was small; I was insecure and felt rejected. I remember asking her at three if she loved me as she was so full-on with her cousin's kid in a way I never saw her with me.
She asked me why I couldn't be more like friend X when I was about six.
She would never stick up for me if I was in trouble. (I once told her that a boy at school had pulled down my pants and nothing happened; I was five. When a drunk on a bus tried to grope me, she said nothing at all but her friend shouted instead).
She once threatened to kill me when I was cheeky (that was the reason, IIRC) and then would bring it up again and say on occasions: 'you know what I'll do if you don't do what I say, don't you?'
And then she can be very generous, too, helping me out financially. (She does expect big gifts though and will criticise everything I buy, so I only ever get her something she has specifically asked for, as it is so hurtful. I bought her a bottle of wine and cake to thank her for something and she said the wine was acidic and the cake was full of chocolate and kept my dad awake!!)
WTAF? I mean, really??