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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed on how to become lost

54 replies

Any14T · 08/03/2013 21:51

After years of DV issues and stalking I have come to the conclusion I need to become lost. But I don't know what I have to do so I can't be traced as I have property to sell/chain to then buy again. I need to move and not be traced. I will only be moving a few miles away but will be ok as long as I am unable to be found. What do I need to do to achieve this?

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 08/03/2013 21:54

Stay off facebook, make sure your ex directory, don't register to vote?

Can you contact the police about the stalking? What about mutual friends, can you be sure they won't slip up, what about your work, will you be changing jobs, are you searchable on the internet.

LowLevelWhinging · 08/03/2013 21:57

womensaid.org.uk

if they don't know the answers, they'll be able to point you in the right direction.

good luck x

UterusUterusGhali · 08/03/2013 22:27

Go to the police if you are still being stalked & abused.

Do you have a restraining order in place.

Are you ok?

ElectricSheep · 08/03/2013 22:39

It may be best to go in to a refuge for a while - this is exactly what they are for. A period there will support you and help to assess the traceable elements of your life eg job, family.

Remember ring 999 if you are feeling threatened.

Original poster
Any14T · 08/03/2013 23:00

Thank you all.

WA were only able to help to move if in rented accom. I can't afford to pay the fees of WA as I don't get HB. They did direct me to a solicitor but I think legal aid has been cut? I can't afford solicitor fees.
Police have never been able to take action as no evidence of ex as has been very clever in not getting caught and no fingerprints etc

I just need advice on what I need to change besides car. Never joined FB etc. Can the ex trace me? Would he be able to find out where I move too?

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 08/03/2013 23:05

you would need to be unlisted on the electoral roll. It is tricky to stay hidden if you are nearby and he is resourceful...but it is possible. however the vast majority of breaches come from friends and/or family of yours that the abuser knows.

DeafLeopard · 08/03/2013 23:06

Change your name by deed poll?

Can you transfer your property into a holdings company with the address listed as your accountant? Preferably in a town a considerable distance away to allude to the fact that you have moved a long way away.

If you are staying local, then surely there is a chance you may bump into him / someone who knows him? Are you planning to change your appearance?

Original poster
Any14T · 08/03/2013 23:10

so it would just be the electoral roll? Yes I would have to keep my new address from a certain family member.

OP posts:
Original poster
Any14T · 08/03/2013 23:16

I was thinking of changing our surname. Ex isn't on Birth Certificate, so will this be ok without his permission to change DC surname?

I can't move far but 10 miles to other side of city should be just as safe. Ex not from my city. No shared friends left and he would not know my new friends.

OP posts:
Sunshinewithshowers · 08/03/2013 23:23

Check on 192.com.
( google your own name & it comes up)

They have listed every house & the dates that I have lived there (including my current address)

I have written to them & yet I am still listed.

I have ticked the box on the back of the electoral roll that comes in the post, so hopefully wont be on 192.com in future property's.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/03/2013 23:24

You can still be on the electoral roll (and so have a vote), but you need to tick the box that says you don't want your info publically available. This may affect your credit rating, though. How old are dc?

foolonthehill · 08/03/2013 23:25

Well electoral roll is what people mostly forget....

how thoroughly do you need to disappear?

Frank Ahearn has written a book on how to disappear from your life...but he really, really means disappear. Are you just making it very difficult for him to find you. How resourceful is he? Realistically if you are in the same town then you won;t be able to disappear the risk of a chance meeting/mutual friend seeing you are great.
Disappearing with a child is also harder than disappearing as an adult. There are lots of records kept of children.

Sunshinewithshowers · 08/03/2013 23:28

Yep, I just googled my name & town together & the first 5 hits on google are 192.com with my details.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/03/2013 23:31

I have just googled my name and town(ish), no results for me because I have always ticked the box on the electoral roll.

PeppaFuckingPig · 08/03/2013 23:33

I was coming on to say the same thing as sunshinewithshowers with regards to 192.com.
I chose to be unlisted on the electoral roll, but my address was still on 192.com, and by paying a small fee to register and see my details my ex was able to track me down.
I complained to 192.com, and only after emails threatening legal action and faxing them were my details taken down - but, too little to late.
It appears that some councils pass on details to sites like 192.com - despite you saying you want to be unlisted.

Good luck to you.

IDunnoAboutThis · 08/03/2013 23:34

I've also found myself on 192, and I'm ex directory!

Please rethink living close by. It will muddy the waters in so many ways.

Be safe

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/03/2013 23:35

Sorry, I take that back, I signed an online petition with my own name and that shows. Otherwise, everything on page one of a google search is an obituary to a namesake!

ToomuchWaternotWine · 08/03/2013 23:36

Fuck that 192 thing is scary!! I did NOT know about that. Good luck OP I wish you the very best.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/03/2013 23:36

Ex-directory is also a good idea (if not foolproof).

nomdesw2 · 08/03/2013 23:41

Yes. Deed poll. I did exactly this with two children five years ago and he has never found me. Your OP has just provoked a first post out of me and i cannot figure out the PM thing yet but will check back tomorrow to see if you are still in need of details. It does ha've to b done carefully so that all lines by which you could easily b traced are either severed simultaneously or at least in the correct order....

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/03/2013 23:48

PM is very easy, nom, the top righthand corner of every post has Add message/report/message poster. Click on the last one.

Original poster
Any14T · 08/03/2013 23:57

Thank you 192 I am ex directory and not listed on electoral roll and if you pay a fee my details come up!

How do I sell and buy and change my name at the time I buy without my old name on new property and/or new name on current property as that flamming 192 will catch me out I know - I am so sorry Peppa this happened to you :(
I am afraid also going to all that effort and it is simple within minutes to find us.

Ex doesn't live in same city. No chance of bumping into ex in the city.

I don't think I can do 'disappear disappear' due to DC? How would ex trace the DC if not on register?

OP posts:
Original poster
Any14T · 08/03/2013 23:58

nom I am sorry I provoked old emotions/memories for you:(

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 09/03/2013 00:03

Can you sell first and not buy until you have changed your name by deed poll?

I would imagine if you rent, stay ex directory and dont let anybody know where you live you would be ok? Change your name and then buy?

Original poster
Any14T · 09/03/2013 00:18

No if I sell and rent I lose my benifits and then it eats into my deposit until I have hardly anything left and wont get another mortgage then due to not being able to work curremtly.

OP posts:
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