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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed on how to become lost

54 replies

Any14T · 08/03/2013 21:51

After years of DV issues and stalking I have come to the conclusion I need to become lost. But I don't know what I have to do so I can't be traced as I have property to sell/chain to then buy again. I need to move and not be traced. I will only be moving a few miles away but will be ok as long as I am unable to be found. What do I need to do to achieve this?

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 09/03/2013 00:22

I think you need to speak to a solicitor.

The long way around is to convert your mortgage into a buy to let. Let your property. Rent a property to live in and let the rent you receive cover your rent. Then change your name through deedpoll. Sell and buy. Long process!

Original poster
Any14T · 09/03/2013 00:31

I know Pure I think I do but was hoping to get a free route from here as I feel so trapped what ever way I turn and solicitors are expensive. If I convert my mortgage to buy to let classes as income and paying mortgage and renting somewhere even one bedroom bedsit and live on the money (as no benifits then) I would be in serious finanical trouble. I would need thousands behind me to do that which I have not got anything.

If I rented would I still show up on 192 also? Blasted site!

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 09/03/2013 00:40

The rent would classify as income yes, but the mortgage, agents fees etc, would classify as expense that could cancel out your income, for tax purposes.

But, dim question, if you own your own home, do you need benefits?

I recommend speaking to womens aid or refuge.

Original poster
Any14T · 09/03/2013 00:49

I don't yet for a good few years as I pay my mortgage out of my benefits. Yes done WA chat cant help as I am not homeless unless I let my house go and entitled to HB.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/03/2013 01:07

It can be done but once you're established in the halls of officialdom with driving licence/passport/professional qualifications/purchase of property/dc and the like, it's not an easy task to disappear to the extent you become completely untraceable and, even if you were willing to sever all contact with anyone including close relatives/friends in your former life, it will be nigh on impossible to do so a mere 10 miles away from your former home.

Is this somewhat extreme measure absolutely necessary? What legal measures have you taken to combat your ex's dv/stalking? Have any incidents been reported to the police?

By virtue of the fact he's not named on the birth certificate, the father of your dc does not have parental responsibility. Has this been varied by Court order, has he begun proceedings for contact, does he pay maintenance?

Original poster
Any14T · 09/03/2013 01:22

It is impossible then at present. I will have to wait until I am in a position to rent and change my name and all those documents. That could be another year.

Yes all reported to police but ex has been clever not to be caught/seen by witnesses/neighbours. Police don't even come to my home anymore. I just report and get another incident number.

No contact, no maintenance and sorry can you explain please I have to get varied by court order?

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 09/03/2013 01:27

Also make sure any dcs at school are not allowed to be photographed.

Original poster
Any14T · 09/03/2013 01:34

Yes esp as changed DC schools and ex has been spotted at the old school previously in the morning so doesn't know the new one thankfully which is other side of city. Trouble is DC are on internet and have to watch putting surname to anything incase shows up in searches

OP posts:
izzyizin · 09/03/2013 02:14

Don't worry - you don't have to apply for any variation of your ds's birth certificate and, as the father is not named, there's nothing to prevent you changing ds's name.

If your ex was so inclined, he could apply for a contact order which would give him the right to see his ds and he may elect to make application for his name to be added to his ds's birth cert.

However, don't worry unduly about this as, with effect from early April, legal aid won't be available for applications/proceedings of this nature and, unless your ex is particularly well-heeled, it's unlikely he'll have the werewithal to fund what can be costly legal proceedings.

While you're on benefits there's no way you can 'disappear' to the extent that the police wouldn't be able to find you if ordered to do so by a Court of Law or if it were necessary for other reasons, but they won't exercise this power merely on request from your ex.

SanctuaryMoon · 09/03/2013 11:35

Haven't read the whole thread, but being on the edited register will not harm your credit rating, as credit reference agencies get the full version of the register.

Best of luck OP.

garlicbrain · 09/03/2013 15:22

being on the edited register will not harm your credit rating, as credit reference agencies get the full version

Well, that makes it pretty useless for anyone trying to disappear. Loads of companies offer a credit search for about £30.

Original poster
Any14T · 09/03/2013 16:02

Sorry this sounds silly question. But if I can get myself removed from this 192.com, stay ex directory and not listed on the electoral role will this be enough to stop ex tracking me down? Or can he find ds on some sort of records....he has blagged before phoning school and social services etc saying he was 'ds father' asking for confidential information which was given to him. It wasn't checked ex did not have PR.

That is good I can change DC surname without ex permission.

Oh dear does that mean ex can pay a small fee and get my details again:(

This disappearing thing is not as easy as I thought.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/03/2013 18:15

Electoral roll info including this;

In addition, those who believe that having their name and address on the electoral register would put them, or anyone who lives with them, at risk can apply for anonymous registration. Ask your Electoral Registration Officer for further information.

Original poster
Any14T · 09/03/2013 18:46

Thank you I read on the link that I have to write to Electoral role. I always thought just ticking that box was enough? I will write to them next week.

How do I protect myself from these credit rating agencies giving my details out?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/03/2013 19:28

I think, from the link, that if you write to them they can put extra safeguards in place, over and above ticking the box. It's got to be worth asking?

50shadesofgreyhair · 09/03/2013 19:42

If you told a solicitor all that you've told us, couldn't you get an injunction against him coming within a certain distance of you? So sorry to read about this, what a horrible existence.

DeafLeopard · 09/03/2013 23:13

192 pulls records from the electoral roll and companies house and the BMD register IIRC.

So if you are on the electoral roll you will appear on 192 - what you can do is ask to appear on the edited register so that it doesn't pull your details across, but anyone can go into the library and access the full electoral roll for free.

Original poster
Any14T · 09/03/2013 23:31

Solicitor said I would need evidence to get injunction. I have not even witness as lone parent.

BMD don't hold your address do they?

So even if I ask not to be listed ex walks into library and gets the address?

It's not even worth trying to disappear it's too easy to be found:(

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/03/2013 23:54

It is not true that if you are on the electoral roll you will end up on 192. As soon as they started selling ER info, with the opt-out, I opted out. I have been on the edited version ever since and cannot be found via 192. (Will admit I haven't tried walking into a library to check.)

With the additional protection apparently offered (which Any is going to check out) by the ER folks, it should be perfectly safe for her to have a vote.

GingerJulep · 10/03/2013 01:02

This sounds like a /very/ drastic step to be taking for both you and your child/children.

A (not particularly close, I barely knew him) family member 'disappeared', and was reported 'missing', for a period of 13years when I was growing up and the effect on our shared connections was devastating. (Totally different reasons and found through an unethical telecoms employee in the end, but not after the family had been called to view dead bodies found by the police in case they were him on more than one occasion.)

You may not want to answer on here to avoid being identified but WHY do you want to do this? What are you scared of?

If your ex was phoning/writing to you in a harassing way you'd have evidence.

So, I'm assuming this is about him coming to your home? Would cctv and a burglar alarm not be a cheaper/easier option (moving costs after all are significant)? May make you feel safer (depending on what you're actually scared of). Will also get you the evidence.

Original poster
Any14T · 10/03/2013 01:48

That must have been horrendous for your family members to have gone through all that! The family I do have contact will know where I am if move.

I have all that. Ex has come closer with time. Ex used to drive past street, then up and down street and parks outside house (at position not to be picked up by cctv). When I contact police they can't help me as I don't have the reg number and each time it has been a different car.

This has freaked me out more than when ex used to try and break in. But I guess I have weakened over the years and not as strong psychologically now to cope with it.

OP posts:
MsFanackerPants · 10/03/2013 02:07

As an elections officer, we do occasionally get voters who are on the role but are in 'hiding'. There is no name on their poll card or on the register, they are just a number. Often it's people in witness protection etc. The law changed in 2006. You will likely have to provide some evidence though about why you should be anon. E.g example of non-mol or restraining order, or police information.

Original poster
Any14T · 10/03/2013 02:33

Oh that is encouraging thank you! Will I need to go to the police to write to my ER Offices or do I just give the incident numbers. So I would also be better off applying as soon as I move and not before as my unique number will go with me?

OP posts:
garlicbrain · 10/03/2013 12:30

I wondered if you were the poster I knew from previous threads, Any :) I'm so glad you're working on this now. Wishing you all good luck with it - it's time you were able to feel safe. xx

MrsCosmopilite · 10/03/2013 12:36

I know someone who is 'lost' after DV issues. I can't elaborate on details but her life was at risk.

I only know her by the name she uses now. She moved away from the area where the incidents occurred. Her DCs also have 'new' names.

However, the background is a little different, and there were witnesses to stalking/threats/harassment, and I believe the police were involved.

Wishing you much luck in becoming untraceable, Any