Wait and Watch? Confront? Or am I worrying over nothing?

[FuelledByChocolate]

I may be over reacting or be totally on the wrong track. I have a newborn baby and I'm tired so perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.

I've been with my partner for four years, we have a 1 year old and a newborn.

We have both been very snappy with each other lately, tired I guess, and resentful. I resent him for not being more caring and helpful over the last couple of weeks, for not being able to manage the children so I can sleep or bath. I resent that he is out four or more times a week, and he resents that I nag and moan at him for it. He can't see why I'm tired, and seems to think I do nothing all day, he thinks that because he works he has the monopoly on tiredness and deserves to unwind at the pub every other evening. He is moaning and pestering for sex. I'm breastfeeding and by the time I have got both babies to sleep of an evening all I want to do it tidy up, have a cuppa and go to bed. Not be mauled and groped. So in summery, things are not great at the moment.

My dilemma though is this:

A couple of months ago the ownership of our local changed. I haven't met any of the new staff but he has mentioned a few by name occassionally. He has mentioned a glass collector called Emma in passing (not her real name). The pub closes at 11-12am but he frequently doesn't get home until 2am. He either stays back for a drink, or spends time chatting with people outside the pub. We live a 3 minute walk from the pub.

He went out on Saturday night. We had arranged that he would stay at his parents so I wasn't disturbed when he came home drunk.

Last night I checked his phone. I don't have an excuse, I was being nosy.

There is a text sent to Emma at 1.30am, asking if she got home ok.

She replies saying Yes, and thanking him for tonight.

He says its no problem and he hopes it helped.

There are a few more texts along the same lines.

He had also called her before texting.

He hasn't stored her number in his phone, but has saved the messages. I know its her number as he says "Hi Em" in the first text.

I am wondering why he felt it was appropriate to exchange numbers with another woman (how old are glass collectors generally anyway!?), what he was doing until the early hours with another woman, whether he is always spending his time with her when he is out, and what exactly he helped her out with. And why he hasn't mentioned it to me.

If I ask him though, he will change the password on his phone and I won't have any clue what's going on.

Or am i being paranoid?

He is at the pub every other night? he has a new born baby? That says it all.

Cant comment about the other woman but this man is a cunt

Meant to say he is supposed to be out tonight. I am tempted to walk down and have a look to see who she is and see what his body language around her is like, but the double buggy will make me very noticeable.

He is very definitely out of order. He tells me he is nipping to the shop, I ask him straight out if he is going to the pub. He swears he's not. An hour later (the shop is 5 minutes away) he will text to say he's in the pub. He knows that I will be angry and doesn't care.

Reading this makes me so angry for you. There are so many parts of this that are outrageously bad, I just don't know what to say.

He just sounds awful. Not just the glass collector, all of it. Why are you even with him?
(ps I know you have a newborn so LTB isn't on your mind at the moment, but you sound so lovely, you don't deserve this kind of treatment) :-( You are not just being suspicious, FWIW.

About how you should approach the glass collector thing - it's a tricky one. His general behaviour would be enough for me to kick him out, so if you're looking for incontrovertible truth so you can do that, I wouldn't bother waiting. Has he got any good qualities?

We say on here always trust your instincts. It looks like he is having an inappropriate relationship with Emma.

There are several red flags - the selfishness, the petty arguments (he is causing these to make you look bad, justifying his decision to cheat on you), the late nights and the texts.

Ideally you both should have EQUAL amounts of child free leisure time. No wonder you are knackered.

If I were you I would confront him about his behaviour. If he is really committed to you and his family he would be doing his best to reassure you and improving his behaviour - calling you paranoid and changing his password will tell you all you need to know.

He's in the pub that often and he has a concealed relationship with a woman there? Very bad indicators.

Before confronting him though, you need to work out what you want as a result.

Do you want to be with him in a healthy, balanced relationship? Or do you think you have reached the end of the road?

Leaving him is very much on my mind. Having a newborn is hard enough without having him to deal with too.

His behaviour the last few weeks has been awful. He is being deeply unpleasant, rude and nothing I can do or say is right. He is critising me constantly and commenting about the lack of sex repeatedly. Why would I want to have sex with someone who is treating me so badly. He cuts me off half way through a sentence telling me I'm boring him, wants to know why I haven't finished the housework and swears in every sentence.

But, if he is behaving this way because of a genuine reason then i will give him a chance to explain why (although I can't think of a reason) and see if we can work on it.

If he is behaving this way because he is more interested in the glass collector and is about to start an affair then I don't want to hear excuses or promises and I will just end the relationship.

What a total arse.

I wouldn't confront him about Emma just yet - he'll only hide his tracks. I would, however, try to gather evidence, e.g. screen shots of his phone.

However I don't think the Emma situation is your main problem here. Your main problem is having a DP who is a selfish entitled knob. People (men) like this don't change unfortunately.

When you can face it I'd start finding out your rights with a view to separating.

Christ how on earth do you put up with him? What a selfish b***d!!!!!

He needs to pull his finger out and help and support YOU!

He sounds like a selfish entitled knob. If it wasn't the glass collector it would be any other woman who caught his eye and was stupid enough to fall for it.

So sorry that you are finding this out when you have the added workload of a newborn.

I would bide your time, and hopefully find strength in the knowledge that you have found out what this knob is like before you waste any more time or emotional energy on him. You may also find strength in finding out exactly what you are entitled to financially - I notice you said "partner", not husband, so that does change some things. You will need legal advice before you decide how best to proceed.

I haven't got DC so I tend to stay away from commenting on parenting issues, but I can't keep it zipped on this one.

You have a new born baby. He's out too often. He's a selfish git. The thing is, is his strong attraction to the pub because he has issues with alcohol? Or is it because of ' Emma' ? Whichever it is, he has problems and these are huge red flags.
Also, it sounds to me from the brief information posted that he's playing the 'friend' card with Emma, for now at least. I'd be very suspicious of his motives if that's the case.

What a tool

My first inclination would be to put both little ones in the buggy and take them to the pub just before closing time, so Emma can see what a wonderfully involved father he is!
And he can be reminded of his responsibilities!

I don't know whether to ask to see his phone when he gets home from work and then confront him or invite myself to the pub later for half an hour to try and see what her reaction is, or to just turn up (will have the children with me though) or to ignore at wait - I don't often get access to his phone though, only when he is drunk enough to have fallen asleep leaving it on the edge of the bed or something.

I am also worrying about the glass collectors age - I've only ever seen young men and women do the job (to young to be serving alcohol). If she is a young girl then someone needs to tell her that spilling your heart out or whatever and giving your number to a drunk in the pub is never a good idea! She might as well be wearing a t shirt with "vulnerable please take advantage" printed on it. Men don't take women's numbers because they fancy a chat. Although she might be in her 20s in which case its her own look out if she wants to be a mistress to an almost married man.

Fuelled that's exactly what I was concerned about re the glass collector.
Although I kind of think she's not the biggest problem here.

What's he like with alcohol?

My dad used to go to the pub every night leaving my mum at home with me, and as I got older she'd have been out at work all day while he was in the pub all day as well. Obviously my perspective on your situation isn't as objective as it could be on this.

He drinks to much, to often and prioritises it above everything else. According to him though, he's not an alcohol but enjoys the company in the pub (I bet he bloody well does) he feels he is entitled to a good drink as he's a man, and he works and I just don't get it because I'm teetotal.

Just thinking out loud but, say if there was some other reason for his behaviour, I don't know, stress or illness etc then surely his behaviour would be affected in all areas of his life? He doesn't speak to his grandmother or parents the same way he does to me. I very much doubt he tells his friends in the pub to "shut the fuck up your boring me" when they're half way through a sentence. So therefor in my mind, he is making a choice to be so disrespectful and rude to me as if he couldn't help it then he wouldn't be able to control it and limit it to me only. Its because he thinks I don't matter, because my feelings are that unimportant to him and because he thinks I will put up with it.

He text me at 9.30am this morning saying " I suppose you're still in bed"

Umm yes, the 1 year old and our newborn are up before 7 every morning....

And when I replied that I had been up for hours (specifically from the moment he woke everyone up slamming the door on his way out) he answered asking why I hadn't put kisses at the end of his text and said I must be up to something. He is probably projecting his own guilty feelings.

I'm sorry to tell that the 'genuine reason' he is behaving this way, criticising and finding fault with you and generally acting like an self-entitled unattached/unencumbered by dc bellend, is because he is more interested in the glass collector and is hoping to get his leg over with her, if he hasn't already done so.

Your babes will benefit from a brief 3 min walk in their buggy and being cooed over by your local's punters while you partake of a non-alcoholic tipple of your choice some time this evening.

I predict you'll find it such a refreshing change not to be stuck at home literally holding his babies while he's on the razzle you'll be letting him know that you intend to join him for a swift half of lemonade whenever the mood takes you

Aw jeez, not the hoary old chestnut of 'projection' again? These fuckers are so tediously predictable. Can't any of them come up with something new, something to give our brains a workout as we suss out what their plan is?

Stress, honey? Keep posting here and we'll give him something to be stressed about

I am very sorry.

My first reaction was to think: prepare your exit or his (see CAB, solicitor, speak to HV, your side of the family) and send him off to live with Emma.

He is behaving horribly to you. Please get in touch with someone in RL.

Incidentally, my dad was a drunk/pub lover. He never improved.

I used to go with him and our 1 year old quite often, I'd have a lemonade and we'd have a game of pool. I knew everyone and ended having a chat. Since the staff changed though I haven't been. Mainly because he lies and says he is going elsewhere or because I am breastfeeding a cluster feeding boob mad baby constantly. The only thing stopping me from popping down this evening is that I look like a tramp. I can't remember the last time I had chance to have a bath or do my hair and if he is having a relationship with the glass collector then I want to look half decent when I walk in

You don't need an awful man like this sucking all the joy from your life, he's not a good partner or a good father , he's a selfish man-child with no respect for you as even a human being, let alone as his partner or the mother of his children.

He won't change , all you can do is take back control of your life and get rid of him, don't let him ruin another minute of your life - decent men do not behave like this.

I would be fine without him (the rented house is in my name, seperate bank accounts, I do everything with the babies on my own anyway so no difference really) infact the only thing that would change is I'd have less washing to do!

The glass collecter is collateral damage

This man is a grade A cunt, not fit to be your partner and a shit father

Get shut of him regardless what he gets up to with "Em"
The fact you are worrying about the age of his (latest) paramour tells you all you need to know

And please don't turn up at the pub with kids in tow, it is humiliating for you

Lick your wounds with people who love you, not a pubfull of your arsehole partner's drinking buddies

I'm so sorry OP, you must be exhausted. You definitely deserve better.