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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wait and Watch? Confront? Or am I worrying over nothing?

85 replies

FuelledByChocolate · 08/03/2013 11:19

I may be over reacting or be totally on the wrong track. I have a newborn baby and I'm tired so perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.

I've been with my partner for four years, we have a 1 year old and a newborn.

We have both been very snappy with each other lately, tired I guess, and resentful. I resent him for not being more caring and helpful over the last couple of weeks, for not being able to manage the children so I can sleep or bath. I resent that he is out four or more times a week, and he resents that I nag and moan at him for it. He can't see why I'm tired, and seems to think I do nothing all day, he thinks that because he works he has the monopoly on tiredness and deserves to unwind at the pub every other evening. He is moaning and pestering for sex. I'm breastfeeding and by the time I have got both babies to sleep of an evening all I want to do it tidy up, have a cuppa and go to bed. Not be mauled and groped. So in summery, things are not great at the moment.

My dilemma though is this:

A couple of months ago the ownership of our local changed. I haven't met any of the new staff but he has mentioned a few by name occassionally. He has mentioned a glass collector called Emma in passing (not her real name). The pub closes at 11-12am but he frequently doesn't get home until 2am. He either stays back for a drink, or spends time chatting with people outside the pub. We live a 3 minute walk from the pub.

He went out on Saturday night. We had arranged that he would stay at his parents so I wasn't disturbed when he came home drunk.

Last night I checked his phone. I don't have an excuse, I was being nosy.

There is a text sent to Emma at 1.30am, asking if she got home ok.

She replies saying Yes, and thanking him for tonight.

He says its no problem and he hopes it helped.

There are a few more texts along the same lines.

He had also called her before texting.

He hasn't stored her number in his phone, but has saved the messages. I know its her number as he says "Hi Em" in the first text.

I am wondering why he felt it was appropriate to exchange numbers with another woman (how old are glass collectors generally anyway!?), what he was doing until the early hours with another woman, whether he is always spending his time with her when he is out, and what exactly he helped her out with. And why he hasn't mentioned it to me.

If I ask him though, he will change the password on his phone and I won't have any clue what's going on.

Or am i being paranoid?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 08/03/2013 12:59

Any chance you can pop out this afternoon and have your hair done? Even tiny little ones can become absorbed by a change of scenery thus providing time for an expert to restore your frazzled locks to glossy tresses.

If not, a world record breaking hair wash in your own bathroom to the sound of howling tots and an equally fast strip wash and change to the same music after he's taken himself off to the pub should be sufficient to transform you from tramp to temptress.

Who knows, maybe there's a male glass collector for the twunt to project over [wink[

izzyizin · 08/03/2013 13:01

Wink !!!

AgathaF · 08/03/2013 13:03

You deserve so much better than this and so do your children.

I think Emma should be welcome to him. He's hardly great partner material, is he?

BelaLugosisShed · 08/03/2013 13:05

Izzy, why the hell should she demean herself by traipsing after this man to the pub?

He is not worth it. It would be much more productive to pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep.

Hopasholic · 08/03/2013 13:07

You don't need to wait and gather more evidence, Emma aside, he'll never change his behaviour as he doesn't see anything wrong with it. Telling you that your are 'Boring & to shut the fuck up'? What a complete and utter WANKER!
Don't let him stay around to grind you down. You deserve better & so do your lovely children.

SueFawley · 08/03/2013 13:08

OP I've just seen your latest post.
I agree that you deserve better.
I don't think he'll change. This is what you're stuck with.

peeriebear · 08/03/2013 13:10

Just bin him. Yes there are DCs to think of but what benefit to you or them is he? He is a selfish, nasty cocklodger projecting his guilty feelings onto you by being unpleasant. Rid rid rid. You will feel like a new woman.

Original poster
FuelledByChocolate · 08/03/2013 13:11

He projects enough over the male cashier in Tesco (who was only telling me that it was his last shift as he was emigrating with his girlfriend).

If I was to pop in for a lemonade it would be under the guise of nipping in on the way back from the shop to drop something in to him, I used to do it all the time, just pop in with a bag of chips, the newspaper or something, stay for 20 minutes so say a quick hello and then leave him to it. I know the majority of the people in there to say hi too, a lot of them came to our eldest child's Christening but I wouldn't say that any of them were friends. I don't know why I want to have a look at her Blush

No chance of a hair cut, lack of money although instead of a valentines card this year I got an IOU saying that he would pay for me to get my hair done so I may make use of that before I ltb

He should have been home from work half an hour ago as its a half day on a Friday.

OP posts:
Chandon · 08/03/2013 13:12

You are not overreacting, this is shit behaviour.

Is it at all possible to imagine him becoming mire caring about you and the kids? To stop goung to the pub so much, instead maybe go once a week? For him to think about your needs! If ths is but a pipe dream you may need to ask what the future holds for you.

He is a selfsh bastard, but men like this always attract women, And I guess you love him...so now what

AvonCallingBarksdale · 08/03/2013 13:13

Bloody hell, I was out of the door at "Shut the fuck up you're boring me." Wanker. Have your hair done/have a bath etc for you, not for this arsehole. The glass collector is largely irrelevant, IMO, and, yes, you're probably right about her being v young. I cannot think of anyone in my family/social group who would be out this late, this frequently while there partner was at home with a 1yr old and newborn. This is not acceptable behaviour from him on any level whatsoever. Please don't humiliate yourself by going to the pub.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 08/03/2013 13:14

their partner. This has made me very Angry

LemonPeculiarJones · 08/03/2013 13:15

What a prick. What a nasty, useless presence in your life.

He won't change. He won't improve. I only hope you don't leave it too long before you dump him.

Corygal · 08/03/2013 13:17

He's a shit.

He's also probably an alcoholic.

But if you're still interested, I would suggest a night out together at the local to see what he says.

If the relationship is going to last, he's got to change and prob get to AA - and alcoholics are famously resistant to that.

Re the twattery - sadly, there's no such org as Arseholes Anonymous.

Thewhingingdefective · 08/03/2013 13:17

He sounds like a prize twat. That is not the kind of behaviour I would expect from someone with a new baby at home. Does he think he is a bachelor still? because he is acting like one.

kerala · 08/03/2013 13:23

You can't afford a haircut yet he can afford 4 nights a week in the pub. Riggght...

ProphetOfDoom · 08/03/2013 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FuelledByChocolate · 08/03/2013 13:24

I would never use the 'but I love him' excuse, I don't like him, I find his behaviour very unattractive, I find his lack of respect, consideration and appreciation for me insulting and I don't trust him at all right now. I think those things are more important than loving someone. We don't work as a team, he doesn't support me, and he barely tolerates me at the moment. I refused to go shopping with him yesterday as he was really rude to me and I asked him why he was being so rude so he shouted at me to not fucking talk to him then.

I love my children more than I love him. We have boys, I would be so ashamed if they grew up to treat their partners the way their dad is treating me.

OP posts:
AvonCallingBarksdale · 08/03/2013 13:27

There you go, OP, your last post says it all. Get rid of this waste of space for your and your boys' sake.

AgathaF · 08/03/2013 14:36

So, you don't like him, he treats you badly. He is financially and emotionally abusing you.

What are your plans for getting rid of him? Because you can't just let this continue, not even in the short term.

MrMeaner · 08/03/2013 15:00

You sound very articulate, together and smart.

He sounds like a twat.

He also doesn't sound like a good dad. He shouldn't even be thinking about nights out yet. He should be facing his responsibility as a father.
I guess he's quite young, but he needs to grow up.

Oh, and Happy International Women's Day you bunch of vipers ;-)

meddie · 08/03/2013 15:02

You are describing the way my Ex behaved almost to a tee. its like a bloody script for irresponsible men children.
Do yourself a huge favour, get shut of him. He doesn't want you as a partner, he wants some acquiescent slave at home to cook, clean, care for him and his babies and to shag. You have no value to him other than that.
You cant change him, don't even waste your time or energy trying to, because he doesn't want to change or be involved in the daily life. as far as he is concerned that's what your there for.
I chucked mine out for the same behaviour and it was the best thing I did. I was more financially stable, my kids were happier and my life was easier having one less huge demanding baby to care for.

MadameJosephine · 08/03/2013 15:03

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? 'Emma' is welcome to him, he's a waste of space. Get rid of him before he teaches his sons that this is the way their mother should be treated

SonOfAradia · 08/03/2013 15:16

I read your OP with open mouth, Chocolate. Jaw/desk interface achieved.

No man worth his salt would leave his wife/partner on her own with a newborn and a 1 yr old every other night while he goes to the pub then staggers in at 2am. No man. A relationship is a team effort - domestic tasks, childcare, making an effort and caring for each other, the whole lot.

He doesn't care about you and his children at all - no one who did could even contemplate doing what he's doing. If he was any kind of proper man, you'd all be constantly in his thoughts and he'd be working with you, thinking of ways to make your burden easier, doing things to make you smile and feel loved and cherished, caring for the kids while you soaked for an hour in the bath with a glass of wine and a book for example, or hell, any of a dozen or more things to let you know like he actually cares about you . The fact that he does none of these things means he's not worth one more moment of your time or your love.

LTB.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2013 15:19

Thank you, MrM Smile

scaevola · 08/03/2013 16:03

As the thread goes on, it sounds more as if you are in the phase of planning a separation, probably leading to divorce.

In which case, it might be worth trying to catch him red handed as it might be quicker/simpler to have a petition based on adultery.