Wait and Watch? Confront? Or am I worrying over nothing?

[FuelledByChocolate]

I may be over reacting or be totally on the wrong track. I have a newborn baby and I'm tired so perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.

I've been with my partner for four years, we have a 1 year old and a newborn.

We have both been very snappy with each other lately, tired I guess, and resentful. I resent him for not being more caring and helpful over the last couple of weeks, for not being able to manage the children so I can sleep or bath. I resent that he is out four or more times a week, and he resents that I nag and moan at him for it. He can't see why I'm tired, and seems to think I do nothing all day, he thinks that because he works he has the monopoly on tiredness and deserves to unwind at the pub every other evening. He is moaning and pestering for sex. I'm breastfeeding and by the time I have got both babies to sleep of an evening all I want to do it tidy up, have a cuppa and go to bed. Not be mauled and groped. So in summery, things are not great at the moment.

My dilemma though is this:

A couple of months ago the ownership of our local changed. I haven't met any of the new staff but he has mentioned a few by name occassionally. He has mentioned a glass collector called Emma in passing (not her real name). The pub closes at 11-12am but he frequently doesn't get home until 2am. He either stays back for a drink, or spends time chatting with people outside the pub. We live a 3 minute walk from the pub.

He went out on Saturday night. We had arranged that he would stay at his parents so I wasn't disturbed when he came home drunk.

Last night I checked his phone. I don't have an excuse, I was being nosy.

There is a text sent to Emma at 1.30am, asking if she got home ok.

She replies saying Yes, and thanking him for tonight.

He says its no problem and he hopes it helped.

There are a few more texts along the same lines.

He had also called her before texting.

He hasn't stored her number in his phone, but has saved the messages. I know its her number as he says "Hi Em" in the first text.

I am wondering why he felt it was appropriate to exchange numbers with another woman (how old are glass collectors generally anyway!?), what he was doing until the early hours with another woman, whether he is always spending his time with her when he is out, and what exactly he helped her out with. And why he hasn't mentioned it to me.

If I ask him though, he will change the password on his phone and I won't have any clue what's going on.

Or am i being paranoid?

We aren't married (I dodged that particular bullet luckily) so splitting up would be relatively simple.

He came home for less than an hour before going to the pub. He was in quite a good mood, looking forward to his evening I suppose.

I've got to go and put the lottery on so will walk past the pub but don't plan on going in, I will be able to see through the big window but don't plan on standing around to stare, I will steal a glance as I walk by. That's if I ever get the baby to stop feeding for long enough to get out the door. I decided against doing myself up because I don't normally do my make up to walk to the shop so if I see him he will think I have done it for him, and I've realised it doesn't matter if 'Em' is younger or pretty, its not a competition and he is definitely no prize to be won. I don't want to make some huge effort as if to say what I normally am isnt good enough or below standard. I am what I am, and if I am more unkempt than usual its only because I'm not being given the time I need to look after myself although this is all irrelevant anyway as I'm not going in.

He is 30 btw, so not some young kid - although he is acting like one.

I wouldn't even bother with the pub if I were you. Nothing in this relationship for you all all. Just get some friends and family behind you and just do it.

I think you're doing the right thing , get rid he is a dead weight

he sounds like an absolute asshole. The glass collector would be doing you a favour frankly as your life will be better off without him in it. I know it will be hard at first with the little ones but since this loser is doing nothing to help you anyway you might find it easier without all the stress of him and his put-downs.

get all the support you can in RL and on here and ltb

So, what are your plans to end this sham of a relationship ?

I went to the shop. And I genuinely (and I'm not even making an excuse) forgot the raincover and it started to rain. So I went into the pub and and explained to him and said I was just nipping to the shop and was going to leave the pushchair and children with him for 5 minutes. He wasn't impressed but I left them to it. Glass collector wasn't there.

Got back and one of the regulars offered me a drink, I said no but they all wanted to see the new baby so I had a quick drink although P couldn't wait to get rid of us. I asked him what time he would be back and he just shrugged, I mentioned that it was gone 6 and I still had dinner to do before getting the babies to bed etc but he really doesn't care. It just reinforced everything I was already thinking. I'm sat here feeding the baby and still haven't done dinner for my eldest. He should have come and done the dinner. But he never helps out and I didn't really expect him to this time.

I don't really have a plan, unless telling him he is a useless excuse for a man and chucking him out counts. I'm not really one for counselling, its not like there is a specific problem to be fixed, you can't change the fundamentals of someone's personality, its who they are. If you want them to be someone else then you're better of finding the someone else as you're flogging a dead horse trying to change something that's so engrained in someone.

Of course, he can be charming and funny and all that crap, I wouldn't have fallen for him otherwise, but as he thinks no one else will want me now I've had children (his words) that he can behave any way he wants too and I'll put up with it so I don't have to be alone. He under estimates me. He can enjoy his little man of the house fantasy for tonight (as I won't cause an arguements when he's drunk) but this weekend I will be making a new start.

You are throwing him out this weekend then ?

Sorry to badger you... you are saying all the right things, love, but I think he will talk you round like he has all the other times

He won't talk me round - he won't even attempt too. If I know him as well as I think I do then he's looking for a get out. He doesn't want to be the bastard that walked out on a newborn baby. He wants to be the victim of my hormones, or maybe he can say I was only with him to have another baby, he will come up with some excuse as to why its not his fault.

He will move in with his parents, get his washing done, be c

Be cooked for, go out when he pleases and not be nagged, he will enjoy getting some attention from women as he seems to feel all rejected at the moment or pissed off that he isn't getting any

He will be able to come round to see his children and make comments a out my lack of housework, tell people I can't cope etc

I will tell him to leave in the morning if I manage to get through tonight without exploding, I am sat here simmering, getting more and more angry the more I think about how he's let us all down.

Ok, so he will walk out this weekend

When he gets tired of mummy nagging him/doesn't get a sleazy shag for a few days, he will be knocking on your door

Am not being harsh love, you seem to have him absolutely nailed. Which makes me worry about the fact he is still there. This thread is very obviously part of a long and depressing line of awful treatment you have been putting up with

I hope you think very carefully about what is actually different this time

Cross posted

So mmmy won't nag him, but he will soon get tired of living back home and want to put his feet back under your table

Mark. My. Words.

Call the emergency locksmith and change the locks while he is at the pub. Leave his clothes in bin bags on the front step. Job done. And we will be here to support you and you sound lovely so you will find someone whow deserves you - just not this arsehole.

I think the difference is that I really just can't be arsed to put up with him anymore, I just want him gone. I don't want to listen to him tell me how the world is so unfair, how tired he is and how useless I am. I think the way he had watched me cook, clean and take care of two babies for the last couple of weeks has drummed it home to me that this will be my life, for the rest of my life if I don't change things.

The fact that he has nagged me for sex every day, pawed at my boobs when they are engorged and sore from breastfeeding anyway, expressed his disgust that I haven't shaved down there for a while, keeps asking when will I have sex with him, or if there's any chance of a blow job - he's like a dog on heat. It turns my stomach. He tells me every day that he still fancies me, which would be nice except there's an unsaid 'even though' at the end of the sentence, even though I'm fatter, scruffier, etc like I should be grateful for his attention.

I can't and won't listen to it anymore.

He sounds utterly foul. Please let this be the end of it. Keep talking to us x

Sorry OP he sounds vile, what a PIG.

I think you need to get rid of this poor excuse for a man/father/partner you deserve much more than being treated like a piece of shit on his shoe.

The bottle collector is the least of your worries (she is surly welcome to this animal)

I would not even give him the satisfaction of telling him you have even seen text messages, it will just give him his poor excuse, to make out its your fault and your crazy.

How you are putting up with this i will never know, i could and would never live a life like this, please please do what is right for your babies.

You sound like a fantastic mum

He wasn't always so vile, pre children he was different. Although in hindsight the signs were already there. A lesson well learnt for me.

he is one of those peculiarly-misogynist men who grow to despise their female partners after they have children.

it's him love, all him

Just joining the chorus line of, "He's a complete and utter shit"

You sound lovely OP, it sounds to me like you'll soar once this dickweed is out of your life, while he'll crash and burn into a trough.

He hates women. Except for his grandmother, she seems to be exempt from him despising 50% of the worlds population. Shame its taken me until recently to see it. But, at least now I know and its early enough not to have had to much of an effect on the children. He has no interest at all in the baby but idolises our eldest. Not that I am saying he's a good parent because he lets him down on the most basic of things but he sees him as his son and heir (heir to what? He has bugger all) and refers to him as 'his son'.

Jesus Christ OP, this man is vile

Wishing you strength to get rid, but to be honest, I think you're very strong anyway, and life without him will surely be easier rather than harder

Sweetheart, time to get rid. Get the locks changed and dump his crap in bin bags asap. Any chance he'd get violent or threatening?

I'd be sending that glass collector a bouquet of flowers! Oh and a pair of glasses and an IQ test, since she surely isn't seeing what everyone here is seeing.

If he has parents to go to, then he can go in the morning. Pack his bag now and hide it somewhere. Let him have a nice lie in tomorrow (which surely he will have) and when he gets up pass him his bags and tell him to get out.

He's really awful, OP. Your life will be so much easier and better without him.

Op how old are your children?