How to deal w overwhelming anger towards OW?

[MimieD]

Started a thread in Divorce but maybe better on this board..
Any advice? Stbx left last April. OW was married too but apparently is now getting divorced although her husband is unaware of the adultery. For nearly a year she had a good friend covering for her whenever she met Stbx.
I know that at least I will never have to deal with the lying,cheating Stbx but I feel consumed by anger towards the OW. The idea that she will meet my DCs and even spent holidays with them leaves me heart-broken. I know the whole rationale 'as long as the kids are happy and like her' blah blah blah but that doesn't help me as this is the woman that had a large part in destroying my marriage and is the cause of my DD saying her life is not as good as it was and all she wants is for things to go back to normal.
It can just consume me and leave me a crying wreck, unable to concentrate at work or even enjoy time w DC. I can only hope my DC will grow up w my values and will never ever do this to another human being

Direct that anger where it belongs - at your husband. She has behaved appallingly but he is the one who has hurt you and your children, not her.

I don't fully agree with Chubfuddler and having gone through a similar experience I think any woman who knowingly has an affair with a married man is pathetic and selfish. Yes your husband is primarily the one who should have cared more about you and your children.

I don't believe people should stay in miserable marriages but why can't one relationship end with a bit of decency and dignity before the new one is started. It would save a lot of heartache. OP only things I can suggest are plenty of exercise and counselling to deal with the hurt and anger. Put yourself and your children first.

JC67: indeed! I guess I cannot imagine why someone who also has a family of her own would do something like this to another woman.

I would love to direct more anger towards stbx but unfortunately at the moment I still rely on him to do morning school run regularly as I work 5 days a week & i also travel abroad for work, no family in UK and friends all have their own kids to get ready... Hoping to get spousal maintenance as he earns 6 figure salary so I can afford an au pair...I cannot move on w my life while he still comes around nearly every weekday.
I have been thinking about counselling as I have no outlet for my anger & resentment at the moment (towards both of them) but w the solicitor costs looming as well, I'm not sure how I can afford it at the moment...

I think you need to get a grip. What happened was shitty but we are nearly a year on. Start making plans for yourself and your dc. get some positive things back in your lives. It will help not just you but your children as well, ex and ow are not spending time thinking about you they are getting on with their lives. Your hate towards either of them only hurts you it doesn't affect them because they really do not care.

I know I'll get flamed for being harsh but feel I can say this ad I have had the same happen to me and have forced myself to focus on my happens rather than hatred towards people who do not care.

Forgive the grammar, on my phone

Allow yourself to be angry. You are 'allowed' to hate this woman. She has knowingly and systematically enabled your husband to betray you and your children. She is a liar and a cheat and you are 1000 times a better person than she will ever be. Write her an email. Tell her what she's done to you, what she's done to your children. Write it and then save it to drafts and don't ever send it. but I promise you that it will help to write all the hurt and the fury down.

And it is a horrible cliche but time WILL make the anger dull. A mistress will never fully trust the man they have cheated with - they are too aware of his ability to lie and deceive. So remember that she will spend the duration of their 'relationship' wondering if she can trust him.

Keep your dignity - part of the script that cheaters use is that the Ex wife automatically defaults into psycho, crazy woman the second the affair is exposed. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing your pain. The trauma she has caused you won't bother her. It won't affect her and seeing you distressed will feed her ego.

And as for her seeing your babies, that is the hardest thing in the world to do. Hopefully you would assume that your Ex will be sensitive enough not to force the issue until you and the children are ready. But selfish cheats don't tend to think of others, so prepare yourself for being forced into a situation you aren't comfortable with. It hurts like mad. It stinks. It's shit and it shouldn't happen. i don't buy into the bollocky theory that cheats don't cheat on their children. They do. They should suffer. But then that means the kids will suffer so keep breathing, keep taking a step forward and deal with it one day at a time. Can you take a bit of time off work to allow yourself time and space to get through this initial pain and distress ? Just focus on you and the children.

Keep posting - there are so many people here who have walked this path before you.

MimieD, the woman my husband left for and now lives with has two children and introduced my husband to them after a couple of months (before he had left me). The story is that her second divorce was becUse her husband had cheated on her.

I had counselling for almost a year and it really helped me to move forward. We even role played me telling my husband what I thought of him. Sounds silly but I was hugely angry.

I still find it difficult to reconcile how people could behave so badly, especially where children are involved. I have minimal contact with my husband and haven't seen him face to face which I also found helped.

Thanks for all your replies.
Mannequinkate: I can deal w harsh but unfortunately I'm still confronted by Stbx nearly daily, even if he's not there in mornings it influences me negatively as I'm the one that will have to make up my work hours of having to do school run at beginning & end of day. Getting a grip & moving on is hard in this cause, hence I'm pushing for enough maintenance to be able to get au pair once youngest DC starts school in sept.
Fleecy: the writing it off my chest things is a good idea! And indeed at times I get great pleasure knowing she will never rest at peace when it comes to their relationship. He has cheated before (I found out there were a couple more before this OW) and he will do it again... As far as the kids, he is indeed a selfish prick and it won't surprise me if he introduces her to them soon!
JC: I love the idea of not seeing Stbx face to face..... I'm going to call the counsel service we have access to from work and see if I can get some info from them.

Counselling would really help, it really helped me

Also I found after a year my anger got worse suddenly and peaked, I think some of the coping mechanism that gets you through something like this starts to wane and you start to dwell on stuff

Screw everything else and start to concentrate on yourself
Don't give them head space, let him run round after you if it's easier for for you, just get some counselling it will turn your head how much you can sort out and disengage by doing it,.. This was my experience anyway ( I had hours of daydreaming about physically fighting the ow)

MimieD, you sound like a strong woman so I know you'll move forward. It's been 16 months for me and I also found husband had cheated before.

It made me question everything I'd thought about myself, my life and other people. Thankfully I found there are caring people out there and I'm also proud of my achievements since he left.

Another thing I did was write in a journal, poured out everything I felt but also used it to make plans for me and children. When I look back at the pages now I can see how far I've progressed.

At the beginning I tried to be 'nice' for our children's sake but he acted like such a selfish ass that I couldn't do that and retain my sanity! It's helped me to read other people's stories and know I'm not the only one its happened to.

Thanks to you both! Indeed it really helps to post here. Keeping a journal doesn't cost a penny so I'll start with that! Seems indeed that I should invest a bit in counselling. Did either of you counsel through Relate or a private counsellor?

Prettywhiteguitar: I know all about daydreaming re fighting w OW. In my daydreams I have gouged out her eyes, beaten her senseless and shoved her in front of the bus....I'm not a violent person in real life but these people bring out the worst in you...

it's 4 years in for me and still not over it.. it's hard when I have to rely on him for help with dc two afterschool runs a week. he doesn't have them weekends or nights. I find it hard that he has 5 evenings a week free and whole weekends.. but he house shared so no room for dc to stay with him and now moved in with a new gf in a 1 bed flat(not one who he had an affair with) I calm down for a few months but then have major flare ups again, it scarese as will be sailing along fine and then have a major downer, so its all i can think about, the lies and deciet. been thinking of councelling too? but don't really m kw where to even start looking for that..

I was having counselling as part of a course I was doing when Xdh had affair. I went through all the stages with my counsellor as it happened. It was 18months ago and I am great. Definately have counselling. I went privately. It was a charity so didn't cost the earth. Try and find some tomorrow.xx Anger is great but as it is now stopping you being happy and starting your new life its a good time to deal with it. Don't let them have any more of your energy.

Worley - Relate might be a worth a look.

Good advice cjel.

Hi MimieD, sorry you're going through this, it's a horrible situation to be in.

Like others have said, counselling can really help. A couple of weeks ago my counsellor got me to write a list of all the reasons I am angry with my STBXH and the OW. It was horrible doing it as it reminded me of painful things I'd rather forget (them being together on DD3's due date, them shagging in a hotel room causing him to turn up 5hrs late to see the kids, taking OW to Barcelona on a mini break at the same time as underpaying maintenance). I felt almost worse for a couple of days afterwards but now I feel quite liberated, like I've been able to put down this heavy bag I was carrying.

I think it's no coincidence that since doing that I've got DD2 into a preschool, joined online dating, joined a gym and registered at an employment agency.

Good luck OP. x

I?ve been there too OP.

I left the ex in July 2011 and we?re just divorced. At the beginning I would write every night in bed, pouring out the horrors in my head which were mainly aimed at OW. I just used scrap paper and allowed myself to write absolutely anything that oozed out of my fingers - it was pure hatred and bile at first. All of those dark thoughts that you have just get them out and write them down.

I?d read it back a day or so later then shred the notes and slowly but surely my writing was less frantic, less scrawled and the content was less nightmarish - I?d say it took me a couple of months and bit by bit I thought about her less.

Also I stopped googling her (she has a high profile job, so is very google-able) which was extremely hard. For a while I was obsessively googling, checking her tweets etc but then I realised it wasn?t acheiving anything except hurting me. So I went cold turkey with her web presence and wrote and wrote.

It may work for you. It was only when I was posting on my long dead break-up thread that I realised that I hadn?t thought about OW for a while and that?s when I knew I was over her.

Good luck. x

PS: I recognised that it was my H's job to be faithful to be me but OW is educated, has a good job, 3 children etc and she should have known better. Both me and my DSDs feel that she actively and knowingly participated in the break-up of our happy home and I will never accept her so I know where you're coming from.

These threads are so sad and am sending sympathy to all of you who have been cheated upon!

My XP used his mother's funeral as an excuse to stay in an hotel with the OW; how low was that?

... and I still love him? How stupid am I?

Hello MimieD

Apologies that I fell asleep and didn't reply to your question about counselling. I had a private counsellor recommended by a friend who'd also been to her. I also have had a few sessions with a Relate counsellor in the past. Whoever you go to, you have to feel comfortable with the individual. It took me a while to get into the counselling but the only reason I stopped was because I moved back to my home town. Counselling helped me see I'd been in a crap relationship, trying to keep it all together for my children but sleepwalking through my life. That's why keeping a journal helps - you get to know what you really want. I also use mine to list all the positive things that I'm grateful for.

I've been thinking of you and trying to remember the things that helped me. As I mentioned physical stuff is great for dealing with anger - when it first happened I used to walk every lunchtime while listening to music. I listen to music a lot and also do gardening. Think of all the things you loved doing that you haven't been able to and plan to do them. I'm planning a group climb of Snowdon at the end of the summer and am determined to do the Race For Life again this year.

I also liked a website called Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue - talks about assclowns and I discovered I'd been in a relationship with an assclown for 24 years.

I hope one day I can feel indifference and forgive husband and OW but I think it will take a lot of time because our children were quite badly affected by the split.

I remember reading a comment about things to be grateful for and one of them was - however bad things get at least you're not him. You will eventually come out of this to a great new life and you know you tried your best to make things work and do your best for your children.

I think the counselling has stopped me getting these resurges of anger because I dealt with it

I now see that I always would have been unhappy with him, but my situation might be different as I moved on very quickly, my son was only one and I met Dp within a few months of accepting it was over with ex and I was so grateful to find a lovely gorgeous man I didn't care how quick it was, it has worked well between us but I appreciate this doesn't happen often (I also still felt immense anger that he had done it despite being happy with Dp and that's when I got counselling )

Re counselling I had it privately it cost £30 an hour and was the best money I have ever spent, I could have gone through relate but they were a bit inflexible with times

I think it's different when you are a single parent and they seemingly are having a great time and getting the best of the situation

ex contributes the bare minimum, Dp works really hard and looks after ds like he was his own and now 4 years on I think we have the best deal , ds likes going to his dads but he loves us and our family here

I suppose what I'm saying is that you have to be positive about your new situation there is no other choice, other than being angry and I didn't want to be angry at ex and have that ruin my life

I am so sorry you feel like this - I think the anger does dissipate in time. It certainly isn't your fault for feeling anger towards her. My ex's OW told me as we weren't married she wasn't a mistress - so that's ok then isn't it? Together for 16 years and we have a child, but she is justified as we weren't actually married, just engaged. I also got told he was visiting his mother 's grave while he was actually having a weekend away with her.

Some OW I feel deserve your anger as their behaviour is nothing short of disgraceful.

Thank you so much for all your replies! Sorry I haven't been able to respond yet as I've been at work all day. Indeed the anger is not constant but it comes in flares but when a flare comes up i feel immobilised by it and that's why I need to tackle it. I realise now I really need to find a counsellor to help me deal with it. In the meantime I will start a diary because I noticed after I wrote down everything yesterday I felt so much better. I think one of the reasons I have a flare up now is because it has been a while since I had a girls' night in with my friends so I can let all my frustration/anger/grief out.

Anna227.....don't come on here and try and justify your partners behaviour,he was married and you had no buisness anywhere near a married man,the op is asking for support not your justification on why cheating is acceptable.
Good luck MimieD,and ignore ^^.

how do you think an unfaithful father affects children in a divorce?