How to deal w overwhelming anger towards OW?

[MimieD]

Started a thread in Divorce but maybe better on this board..
Any advice? Stbx left last April. OW was married too but apparently is now getting divorced although her husband is unaware of the adultery. For nearly a year she had a good friend covering for her whenever she met Stbx.
I know that at least I will never have to deal with the lying,cheating Stbx but I feel consumed by anger towards the OW. The idea that she will meet my DCs and even spent holidays with them leaves me heart-broken. I know the whole rationale 'as long as the kids are happy and like her' blah blah blah but that doesn't help me as this is the woman that had a large part in destroying my marriage and is the cause of my DD saying her life is not as good as it was and all she wants is for things to go back to normal.
It can just consume me and leave me a crying wreck, unable to concentrate at work or even enjoy time w DC. I can only hope my DC will grow up w my values and will never ever do this to another human being

couldn't agree more meditrina

oops sorry, a bit slow there. great post Matilda.

Yes Karma I accept that I may well have been spun a line. No doubt his wife would have a different point of view.

Although to be fair, I have always had this view about affairs stemming from unhappiness - I didn't just come up with it because it suited my situation.

But no matter anyway as I have no intention of having an affair with a married man - although selfishly more for my own sake than anyone elses. It just doesn't sit right with me, would cause a whole heap of hurt all round, and although I do fancy him a great deal I would rather hold out for something better.

I like him, but I don't like what he has to offer. He's his wifes problem as far as I'm concerned.

oh dear Fuckit, you have (nearly, thankfully) fallen for the oldest trick in the adulterer's handbook "my wife doesn't understand me"

it's top of the list next to "we haven't slept together for years" (yeah, sure), "we live separate lives", "she lives only for the children", "she doesn't pay me enough attention", "I've felt pushed out since the children came along..."

see a pattern here ? A selfish person who is looking for thrills with any willing woman.

his wife is probably completely unaware he is spouting this shit to you

the thing is though, when I say "nearly" you have allowed this man to indulge in an emotional affair with you, say things to you that cross boundaries in a marriage, invest time and energy in OW (you!) that he should have been ploughing into his family

now, you can say that is not your problem...but I think any decent person should feel some guilt about that and not hide behind "well, if it wasn't me, it would be someone else"

the fact is, it was you and you are hiding behind some rather naive rationalisations about why people cheat on their spouses

please wake up, and stay woken up...you haven't ever struck me as the type of woman to contribute to the breakdown of a family, no matter how indirectly

Anna, in one words of (actually, correctly spelled) one syllable "well, you would say that"

Anna, I think your discourse should be with that person who addressed you with those words. I didn't, so why are you asking me to take responsibility for it ?

btw, your spelling was a bit off in that last post

I've never really understood the appeal of having someone else's sloppy seconds.

unbelievable - a man has an affair because his wife wears a onesie? Bloody hell - I have no words.

nothing to do with his flaws, issues, failures, mid life crises at all then?

My ex admitted to me that he should never have left, told me his new relationship was doomed, she was a nightmare and I was right, the grass isn't greener at all. His new squeeze doesn't cook, is no looker, 3 stone heavier and an emotional wreck. Polar opposite to what he left behind.

OP as my lovely DS2 aged 8 would say:

I as a DC have every night to feel angry! Deal with your anger and move on from it and them.

Our sex life was fine btw, my X wasn't though and knew I was heading to throw him out (again) so I guess he jumped ship/bed! He came back and asked if I thought his OW 'understood him more than me' I agreed she did (better than me tbh) and asked him to go again.

Anna one word, Karma

or another phrase

God pays his debts without money!

Both been very true to my situation. Keep him on a tight leash/chain.

Why were pyjamas brought into the conversation?

No Anyfucker, I do not want to be someone who contributes to a relationship breakdown. I certainly do not want to be someone who deliberately puts themselves in a position to be hurt or damaged. My values include acting in my own best interests as well as trying to do right by others.

And I feel I must defend myself. As soon as he began to cross the line with romantic texts, I told him immediately he was being innappropriate and that I did not feel happy about it. And like I said I have now cut all contact with him.

I'm not saying I behaved perfectly. I was attracted to him and perhaps I indulged that more than I should have - I kidded myself that as long as we were not doing or saying anything innappropriate that it was ok to chat and enjoy his company. I was wrong I think, and he obviously picked up on the fact that I liked him otherwise why would he have felt comfortable sending me texts that quite clearly crossed the line?

I had a weak few moments, it's true. I eventually told him I felt the same way but that a relationship just wasn't possible. I don't feel very proud of it. But I did draw the line, we haven't had any contact for the last three weeks, and I don't intend to have any more contact with him again.

Onwards and upwards. But as far as I'm concerned it's up to him to make his marriage right. My responsibility is to myself.

Having been a regular poster on MN for some time, especially in Relationships (although sometimes with seasonal name changes), there really isn't a MN 'line' about cheats or adulterers.

Some of the most interesting and helpful long-running threads over the years are those that examine the unpleasant realities of relationship breakdown, the faults on both sides and helping people get through the day to day realities.

When someone gets on their high horse and tries to goad the OPs, its usually because they have chosen one part of the argument and try to derail the thread.

MimmieD has come on here for practical advice, support and a listening ear. MN is about care, sympathy, empathy and sharing. The best threads have a sprinkling of excellent humour. This is what this thread is here to do, not help some OW use her limited experience to slag off women whose husbands have cheated.

Erm.. may I suggest you get your information else where than ITV each morning?

He talks some sense but mostly a lot of drivel. My some sense I mean Facebook is shit ......

So you don't believe me? [shrugs]

I could details some freaky events but will not, I shall just let yours unfold. Have a lovely life.

Anna, what about the man's obligations within his marriage? You know, the ones where he is not supposed to lie and betray and is supposed to talk to his wife if he is feeling dissatisfied with any aspect of their lives together, not start shagging someone else.

I think people can get lazy in a relationship, but I doubt very much if cheating man has been making all the effort for his wife that you seem to think she should be making for him, else she deserves to be betrayed. Such a simplistic view.