How to deal w overwhelming anger towards OW?

[MimieD]

Started a thread in Divorce but maybe better on this board..
Any advice? Stbx left last April. OW was married too but apparently is now getting divorced although her husband is unaware of the adultery. For nearly a year she had a good friend covering for her whenever she met Stbx.
I know that at least I will never have to deal with the lying,cheating Stbx but I feel consumed by anger towards the OW. The idea that she will meet my DCs and even spent holidays with them leaves me heart-broken. I know the whole rationale 'as long as the kids are happy and like her' blah blah blah but that doesn't help me as this is the woman that had a large part in destroying my marriage and is the cause of my DD saying her life is not as good as it was and all she wants is for things to go back to normal.
It can just consume me and leave me a crying wreck, unable to concentrate at work or even enjoy time w DC. I can only hope my DC will grow up w my values and will never ever do this to another human being

There are myriad ways of acting on anger. Repressing it is almost always bad.

Yes, it's fine to feel overwhelming anger towards OW - not instead of anger towards XH, but in addition to it. He might have strayed with someone else, but he didn't - he strayed with her. If she knew he was married and had rebuffed him, perhaps he might have come to his senses. Who knows.

It is however important to find healthy ways to acknowledge and deal with all the emotions provoked by an affair, whether those centre on XH, OW or others in your circle who colluded in the betrayal by keeping secrets which let it flourish. The advice to find a counsellor and/or write it down until it's all out is good. And then also recognise that this emotional energy, once vented, can be controlled. And you can out your future energies elsewhere.

Anna227 you sound angry that you have become embroiled with two unpleasant people but it was your choice!

I don't think anyone here is condoning acting on anger, just that feeling it is entirely understandable - surely you can see that?

Vicky Pryce is a totally separate incident, just because one can understand her anger at betrayal, I don't think anyone would agree with her breaking the law and then trying to cause trouble years later.

Surely the adulterous husband has cast the first stone!

You can always keep in your mind that if he has cheated on you with her, it's fairly likely that he'll cheat on her with someone else.

who is advising actions in a vindictive and destructive way?

Some of us are capable of feeling anger and not acting on it. I have been on the receiving end of vicious anger and awful actions from the OW actually, not the other way round.

If you had read MN columns you wouldn't state such nonsense as "the part they played in the failure of their relationships".

You sound pretty bitter yourself imo!

I'm no expert myself but can see that this thread is not the place for your comments.

Anna227, this thread is not the place for you to wax lyrical about your wonderful deceitful P. Your evident lack of empathy with the OP speaks volumes about you and how you came about your current relationship.

OP, I second writing everything down - write them a letter each - get it all out, save it, but don't send it.

It's out then, rather than eating away inside.

What the hell has Vicky Pryce got to do with this.

Anna you sound like sound just like someone who I worked with slated the EX wife of her DH.

He left like your H,leaving 5 children and a angry ex. And do know what 10 years on he now on his 3rd family and she is cast as the mad, angry ex with 3 children.

Hopefully you will never be left like your h Ex or the OP who has right to be angry with her ex and the ow.

Anna, your husband chose to cheat on his first wife. However much you want to spin it and put the blame on her, the responsibility for that decision rests squarely with him. His wife may have been a pita, but he is someone who considered it okay to cheat rather than end his marriage and then find a new partner. Those are the facts of the matter.

IME, adulterous husbands tend to massively overplay how "mad" the wife is to hoodwink the clueless OW

he then lies and lies and lies, making his wife feel like she is going mad, sometimes to the point where she acts in a very out-of-character way

it isn't right, and it isn't justified but it is understandable

even more so when the OW appears to see herself as above all that...until the cheating fuck does it to you, of course

Well said AF!

Oh Anna you poor deluded fool. You have really fallen for the 'poor me my wife doesn't undertstand me' line. I always think it's kind of cute to realise that there really ARE women out there who fall for it. Good luck with your 'relationship' You do know that now you've opened your legs for him, you've created a vacancy for another sad cow who can't find a man of her own

And of course your sordid little affair has had no impact on the children whatsoever. As long as there are women like you, there will be men willing to fuck you for a cheap thrill. I'd suggest counselling - you need to deal with the fact that you only consider yourself worthy of sloppy seconds

Just as a quick message to AF, but it does have some relevance to this thread: Anna, my cheating ExH ran out on me and our darling baby boy 5 years ago.

I have just had word that he has done it all over again in Bangland.

Affairs do happen in marriages where the betrayed partner is a good spouse and the marriage functions normally. Those cheaters compartmentalise very efficiently, and are a dangerous sort of liar.

OP: Anna227's intervention might actually prove helpful as a reminder that the OW will only know what she has been told, and as the one thing you know XH to be is an accomplished liar, her position is not good.

Anna, were you just trawling til you found a thread where you could have a rant about how 'misunderstood' the plight of the OW was....?
Really, shame on you for your lack of sensitivity over your posts - but I guess your moral compass must be pretty skewed anyway...

Writing it out can help. I found some journals I kept shortly after the split and I was shocked by the language I'd used. It was filthy. Absolutely raging and stormy and really really vivid. Just reading it made me realise how far I'd moved on. The fact that I was so shocked showed me that I wasn't angry any more. Or at least not very angry. Time, counselling - all the stuff. I think you also have to make a decision that you won't be angry for ever. Good luck.

Anna, there is nothing to suggest that the OP is going to do any of the things you had to put up with. I know MN is frequently a massive exercise in projection and self absorption but your post is widely off piste.

To the OP, it can also help to find a way to rely on him less. Your life, your home, your childcare arrangements etc. And he does the same. Not in your house and so on. It's all too close and makes it hard to detach.

Anna you may be a wonderful person and I have never been either woman n this scenario so I guess have a limited understanding but I must say you come across as pretty disgusting here. How dare you suggest that everyone would be so much happier if the op would just shut up and behave herself? I hope you never have to understand what the op's situation must be like, although you sound like a callous bitch who might benefit from it