How to deal w overwhelming anger towards OW?

[MimieD]

Started a thread in Divorce but maybe better on this board..
Any advice? Stbx left last April. OW was married too but apparently is now getting divorced although her husband is unaware of the adultery. For nearly a year she had a good friend covering for her whenever she met Stbx.
I know that at least I will never have to deal with the lying,cheating Stbx but I feel consumed by anger towards the OW. The idea that she will meet my DCs and even spent holidays with them leaves me heart-broken. I know the whole rationale 'as long as the kids are happy and like her' blah blah blah but that doesn't help me as this is the woman that had a large part in destroying my marriage and is the cause of my DD saying her life is not as good as it was and all she wants is for things to go back to normal.
It can just consume me and leave me a crying wreck, unable to concentrate at work or even enjoy time w DC. I can only hope my DC will grow up w my values and will never ever do this to another human being

Whoop whoop - totally agree with Bessie - great post!

scaevola, I totally agree that affairs do happen in decent marriages where the betrayed one is a decent partner.

However MN has difficulty accepting that affairs also happen in crap marriages where the betrayed partner is a complete nasty twunt and where everyone who knows the couple wonders what took the leaver so long .

And yes, of course there are instances where "my wife doesn't understand me " is the truth. Plenty women on MN say this about their partners without being accused of lying / exaggerating/ rewriting history.

( OP in no way is this directed at you )

fleecyslippers your misogynistic rantings are quite revolting.

Selba - I'm a bit confused, how is her post misogynistic? She is not ranting against women in general, just Other Women, who play the 'poor misunderstood man' card....

Anna, if your H was a really decent person deeply unhappy with his marriage, then he should have ended the marriage instead of cheating and lying.

You also have no idea how living with deceit and lies can really be a real head fuck - the sickening realisation that the past months/years have been a total lie can't be underestimated. Seemingly happy memories such as holidays, family events etc are now a farce. Also the realisation that the man you married isn't who you thought he was - that he is a weak lying cheating coward, can be truely devastating when you have invested so much into him and the marriage.

UA not sure if you are still reading but just seen your post re. your ex

no surprises there, then ....

Op you have all my sympathy, as does any woman who has suffered the pain and loss of the man she loved betraying her.

But I find the mumsnet 'party line' on affairs difficult to get my head around too.

Firstly the assertion that affairs happen in good, happy marriages. I just don't believe that to be true. A man or woman who is perfectly content in their partnership and truly loves and respects their spouse, just doesn't risk it all to have an affair - they just don't. Because why would you? If you were perfectly happy with the love of your life? Why would you do it? The betrayed partner may feel their own behaviour was beyond reproach, and perhaps it was. But the betrayer was not, for whatever reason, feeling fulfilled.

Secondly, it takes two to make a relationship flourish, and it also takes two for a relationship to break down. The responsibility for the decision to cheat and lie is squarely on the shoulders of the cheater - that is true. But the responsibility for the relationship breaking down to the extent that one partner looks outside of the relationship lies with both parties.

Any Relate counsellor will tell you the same. They look at affairs as something the couple need to take responsiblity for together. Not as something done by one 'evil' person to another 'blameless' person. Life just isn't that black and white.

Lastly, the vitriol reserved for "other women" on mumset makes me feel really uncomfortable. The tone is often so misogynistic and really old fashioned - like some of you actually believe there are 'scarlet women' who prowl around looking to 'steal' innocent and virtuous women's husbands. Please. I know affairs cause misery and pain but people are human. We all tend to make a grab for happiness where we can. None of us behave perfectly. Relationships fail sometimes. That's life you know?

I feel the same as you OP. But I'm told that in time it gets better. It's just shit isn't it x

Firstly the assertion that affairs happen in good, happy marriages. I just don't believe that to be true. A man or woman who is perfectly content in their partnership and truly loves and respects their spouse, just doesn't risk it all to have an affair - they just don't.

Wrong. This may be true for some marriages. Also no marriage is perfect anyway.

Infidelity experts - e.g Pittman, Glass and MacDonalds all say the same thing and so did our counsellors. People cheat because of their own personality traits, weaknesses and issues (e,,g mid life crises). Like my DH, they get addicted to ego strokes of OW, get caught up in their fantasy life and risk it all often thinking they won't get caught.

Having a happy marriage is a prevention myth and sadly one that far too many people, myself included bought into.

Fuck - here is a good article about what make people cheat:

www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

BTW my husband left me for a woman who is a serial home wrecker. This is her 2nd piece of work. And I tried very hard to make my marriage work when I realised it was in trouble. But it didn't work out because he was chasing her. We were married for 18 years and I think he just thought the grass is greener.

Goodness Anna has had some stick here! these things happen! in an ideal world everyone would neatly end one relationship before starting another, but seriously, thats not the real world is it? these things happen, it doesnt make someone a terrible person just because they have made choices that others dont approve of. Nobody has died, its not the end of the world. 2 people have met and fallen in love, they have dealt with it. Anyone saying that the H is a horrible awful person because they didnt walk away and stay with a wife that they obviously werent happy with.. well, what can I say?

To the OP, you really do need to try and move on, it has been a long time and your anger and resentment will not be helping the children at all (dare I say that you may need to take some responsibility for your child saying that they are not as happy as they were?)

Im sorry for your situation, I really am, my ex cheated on me and it is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me BUT now I can look back and start to understand that he wasnt happy and whilst it wasnt a great way to go about showing me that, I do understand it more now. Our children are happy because we always put them first, they would never see any anger or resentment from either of us, because that isnt necessary, its not their problem, its ours :-)

You only live once, and wasting your life thinking about 2 people who you cannot control is not helpful to you or to your family. As difficult as it will be, you need to start making a life for yourself, prepare yourself to start dating again, prove to the world that you are the bigger, stronger person here. Do that for yourself as well as the children.

This woman is in your life, whether you want her to be or not, you are going to have to accept it, sorry. It would be much easier for your children (who are the most important people right now) if you put on a brave face and start to see some good in the OW, even if you dont feel it right now.

who said Anna's cheat of a partner should have stayed with his wife ?

I think the wife has had a lucky escape, frankly

Fuckit, some people really do not have much respect for the "Relate" type of counselling

I am one of them

I would much rather two people went for individual counselling.The cheater to find out why he/she gave herself permission to fuck up many people's lives and address those weaknesses in the future. And the cheated-upon to help them come to terms with what has happened to them, stop blaming themselves and place the fault squarely where it lies (clue: not with them, in many cases)

Dear Lord, do please ignore the Anna's of this world. Deeply inappropriate to crow on your thread OP

You are grieving and it is SO important to allow the anger to roll. ime I was in total shock for the first year and it was only as the second year came around that the anger began to surface. Stand back, it was nuclear. Imagine holding that in, how much damage it would do? YOu have to find a way to express it in a safe place eg I did a residential therapy course where we used baseball bats to whack cushions. Felt silly at first but oh so healing and cathartic.

Obvs you're not going to express your anger anywhere near your children. That doesn't mean you don't feel anger and find a way to express it safely - two different things.

Let it roll, be kind to yourself, you're grieving. there are so many emotions involved in grieving, all pretty nuclear really for a while.

I am coming late to this and my chief question is, at what point did MimieD's H tell her he was unhappy? Before he met OW? After he met her? Before sleeping with her? Surely the time for OP to "get a grip" is when she has worked through her H's betrayal. It doesn't sound like she has the luxury of wallowing in disappointment or rage. She has her DCs to care for, her job to do.

The OW may have seen H as a useful exit strategy from her own marriage. She may have genuine feelings for him. I must belong to a quaint outmoded generation that thinks uh oh, I'm married, with a family, better get my own house in order before screwing a married man with children. Life isn't black and white: I get that. I just don't think it's as complicated as some people make it. I don't think the OW gets to dictate how soon her lover's discarded wife gets to a point where she can accept and move on. Her 'viewpoint' is unfettered by his baggage but from another perspective it's markedly skewed in her favour isn't it. For now at least until the next time he gets bored, feels stifled, whatever.

OP I hope you find solace in writing this all out in a diary, someone I know goes to kick-boxing and says she feels able to unleash a lot of stress in a controlled environment.

Fleeceyslippers, what you said about the script and portraying the wife as psycho as soon as an affair is exposed, is absolutely spot on.

So much so that I'm copying and pasting your post to a friend of mind whose husband is doing exactly that.

Thank you.

I haven't gone through the same, but wanted to offer some advice from my own perspective...

The best thing for both you and your children, to avoid more hurt, upset and contain the damage that they have both (STBXH and OW) done to your family, is to let go of the anger.

For your children's sake, you need to be able to let go and not let the anger consume you or drive you to actions that are not in your children's interests. You need to be able to have a working relationship with your STBXH as you are both parents to your children, and need to face up to the fact that you are no longer in any control of what happens when your ex has your children.

As others have said, counselling will help with this. Also, separating your life from STBXH will help. You should be living as seperately as possible, and only conversing as necessary about the children. Build up a network of other family and friends to rely on where you used to rely on him. Also - get out there and do something that you enjoy, something that is just for you. View this as a way to take control of your own destiny.

I'm in the position where DPs ex is all consumed by anger. I wasn't involved in their relationship breakdown - no one was! In fact I didn't come along till 2 years after the fact. But her anger towards DP for the relationship breakdown and her venom directed towards me has led to some terrible situations for their DS and it breaks myheart. Please don't let this be you.

Thanks Madabout for the link. It is interesting what some experts (who I accept know more than me) say about infidelity.

But I'm still not convinced. Because if infidelity happens in a vacuum, regardless of the quality of the primary relationship, and is all about the betrayers issues, then no relationship is safe and no-one is invulnerable to cheating. Because we all have issues and insecurities and times in our lives when we feel vulnerable. We all appreciate validation and having our egos stroked.

Yet some people on here make a great show of believing themselves to be "better", superior people because they believe they would never cheat. How can they be so sure? If the opinions of these experts are true, then surely all it would take is perhaps a mid-life crisis, a recent bereavement, and some tempting opportunity, to turn even the most previously reliable person into an adulterer?

then no relationship is safe and no-one is invulnerable to cheating.

Yep, I agree with that. What both people in the relationship do about that (on their own account), is key. These days, cheating is pretty easy to do, if you give yourself permission to do so.

You can't stop someone from cheating if they are determined to go ahead, and blaming yourself (in many cases) is fruitless.

Some people say the only person they trust never to cheat is themselves

I don't agree with that either.

Yes, you can never be sure that one won't cheat -its so easy to go down the slippery slope into an affair

So do you mean by that, that you accept your own vulnerability as well AnyFucker?

I guess it's a good idea to discuss these things with our partners (not that I have one, just talking theoretically). As in, 'what do we plan to do when we're feeling vulnerable and temptation rears its head? How do we intend to deal with that situation?

I'm interested in these threads as I am single and recently met the first man I've felt a really strong attraction to in a long while. Sure I've been on dates and had the odd fling, but with this man I really felt a strong emotional connection as well as 'butterflies in the tummy' type sexual attraction. I know the feeling is mutual because he has told me he wished we had met fifteen years ago. He is married.

Now I am absolutely determined that I will not go there (although it is extremely tempting and I will admit to feeling conflicted). Not necessarily because of his wife, although I do feel a certain sisterly solidarity, I also know that I do not know her, made no vows to her, and essentially do not owe her anything. His marriage is his business. More for myself really. I think to have an affair with someone who is married would do my own self worth damage. And I can't afford not to act in my own best interests - I need all the self respect I can get. Also, I am a recovering alcoholic and worry that doing something I felt was wrong could lead to relapse. So an affair is just not an option for many reasons.

So. I have cut off all contact with this man and now haven't spoken to him in three weeks. Won't pretend I don't feel about it though. I wonder what his relationship with his wife is like. I imagined he couldn't possibly be happy if he was sending romantic texts to me, but perhaps he is.

Sorry op. I should have started my own thread rather than going off on a tangent on yours.

Fuckit, you've basically fallen for the same old bollocks that lots of married man wanting affairs peddle. The old 'wish I'd married you/wife doesn't understand me' shite. I'd be interested to hear his wife's pov on all this - bet it differs from his account. Of course you want to believe that people in happy relationships don't stray - it suits you to think that and let's face it, the alternative view is hard to live with.

You don't owe his wife anything, except common human decency, but remember, when you are on the brink, that unless he is honest with his wife and ends their relationship, then what you are getting in him is a deceitful cheat. Once the lust wears off, that's what you will be left with.

Yes, being self aware is important and so is having boundaries in place e.g not getting drawn into personal conversations, not exchanging confidences etc. Also addressing issues that make you vulnerable is something one should do e.g if you have low self esteem, then look at ways of improving it.

It is always good to acknowledge that one can be attracted to others while in a marriage/relationship - to assume otherwise is dangerous as people then mistake those giddy feelings for true love....

I am impressed that you are aware of your own vulnerabilities - affairs are very destructive and you are wise to keep away from this married man.

He could be perfectly happy with his perfectly reasonable wife in a functioning marriage and still also a selfish git who thinks it's OK to string along another woman (or women) because it's exciting to him to have that illicit bubble as well. That's what, I think, is meant by it being 100% the responsibility of the wandering spouse. Nothing that the faithful spouse does is likely to touch that selfish sense of entitlement. And that's the kind of wandering spouse who will become a serial cheat, as a happy enduring relationship doesn't fulfill their craving for excitement . Indeed the danger of discovery can even be a filip, but they may think what they are doing is OK as long as they aren't discovered and continue to be attentive whilst at home.