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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell?

84 replies

WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 22:14

If you know a man is cheating on his partner of 10+years. You know its been going on for about a year. You don't know his partner but you can get her email/phone number. Would you tell her? If you were the partner would you want someone to tell you?

OP posts:
CardinalRichelieu · 06/03/2013 22:18

Yes but I don't think I'd take it from a stranger. I would assume they were shit-stirring (unless I already had suspicions)

MorrisZapp · 06/03/2013 22:19

Stay out of it, honestly. No good can come of you getting involved.

Original poster
WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 22:21

Cardinal so you would take if from a stranger if you already had suspicions?

If this stranger has nothing to gain from it would you assume shit-stirring?

OP posts:
angelpinkcar · 06/03/2013 22:23

Yes I wish someone had told me... Although it still hasn't been confirmed I think its a bit of closure and the felling you aren't going mad!!!

CardinalRichelieu · 06/03/2013 22:28

I wouldn't necessarily take it as gospel, in fact I almost certainly wouldn't. But it might prompt me to do a bit of investigating. However, really, if I had suspicions I would have investigated already.

I too think you should not tell. It would be different if you were the partner's very good friend. As it is, you can't really know what the consequences of telling her might be.

Original poster
WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 22:29

angel so you would be ok if the person that told you was a stranger?

OP posts:
badinage · 06/03/2013 22:29

Possibly, but without more information, it's impossible to advise you personally. It depends on so many factors. How reliable your information is, what your motives are for telling and how you'd intend to deliver the news.

If I had 100% cast iron facts and had nothing personally to gain from a person knowing, if I was going to tell someone I'd do it personally (phone call or face to face) and tell no-one else that I'd done that. My motives would have to be that I wouldn't want a woman unknowingly risking her sexual health or being made a fool of.

Original poster
WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 22:35

badinage Information is completely reliable, I've seen him with the OW and she's admitted it.

Motives for telling her is that it's not right for her to be treated like that and I'd want someone to tell me if it was my partner.

OP posts:
CardinalRichelieu · 06/03/2013 22:37

You've said you don't know the partner but how connected are you to the man?

DaydreamDolly · 06/03/2013 22:40

Yes I'd tell. I wish someone had afforded me the same kindness when my husband was cheating on me for 2 years. I really really wish someone had told me.

chocolatecakeystuff · 06/03/2013 22:40

Tbh id want someone to tell me.

But it would have to be tactfully done. Do you know the guy in question?

Original poster
WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 22:41

He's a colleague, who I've known about 4 years who i'm quite friendly with.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 06/03/2013 22:42

I don't know whether I'd tell or not tbh.

But if I were the wife, I would hope someone would tell me.

NoisesOff · 06/03/2013 22:42

Very difficult decision. That said, if it was my husband, I'd want to be told, definitely.

CardinalRichelieu · 06/03/2013 22:43

As you work with him, I would advise in this case not shitting on your own doorstep. He will probably find out it was you that told, and then will probably try to make life difficult for you. Is he more senior than you? Could he screw things up for you? Others at work may also think that you should not have told (depending on the work environment I guess - in a lot of workplaces affairs etc. are tolerated/endemic).

I just think it could potentially cause you problems.

Original poster
WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 22:44

Daydream I've been cheated on before and I wish someone had told me which is why I want to tell her.

chocolate A tactfully written email? Yes I know him quite well.

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 06/03/2013 22:47

I wish someone had told me when I was being cheated on.

That gut-wrenching realisation that everyone knew except you. Sad

Original poster
WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 22:48

cardinal Yes he is more senior than me. Yes he could cause me problems, but I'd hope to do it so that he (anyone else at work) wouldn't know it was me. Also I plan on leaving there in a few months anyway. Some people at work have already suggested that they are suspicious and and they would not approve if they knew for sure.

OP posts:
CardinalRichelieu · 06/03/2013 22:53

I wouldn't count on him not finding out that it was you. If his partner says 'I got an email saying you're cheating on me' he's going to demand to see the email.
Even if you leave the workplace, might he be able to screw things up for you anyway? If he is more senior he might have quite a lot of contacts in your industry/line of work. People often support the person who is most senior/the strongest personality, even if they don't 100% approve of what they have done.

I don't doubt your motives, and I agree in principle that she should know. But I think you need to think it through and make sure you cover your own back from any possible repercussions.

bringbacksideburns · 06/03/2013 22:58

No. I would keep out of it. I would only ever get involved if i cared deeply about the person affected.

chocolatecakeystuff · 06/03/2013 22:59

Sorry tactful as in maybe not an email. But I guess you've got to to what you've got to do.

Really rubbish situation to be in.

Might sound stupid but do you know of any of her friends? Any chance you could email them instead to speak to her in person?

izzyizin · 06/03/2013 23:04

Are you by any chance one and the same as the OP who recently posted her disapproval of an alleged liaison between 2 of her colleagues and was told, uneservedly and categorically, to refrain from meddling in the affairs of others and to keep her disapprobation to herself?

If not, I would suggest you're best advised to act on the advice given to the other OP and stay schtum unless and until the truth wills out, as it invariably is wont to do in these situations.

bodencatalogue · 06/03/2013 23:08

What is it with people that cannot mind their own business? I just don't get it.

Try ringing crimestoppers and see what response you get.

Sorry to be so blunt but this is the second post in two weeks where someone feels the need to get involved in somebody elses life.

What will be wil be, they may get found, they may not but who appointed you as the moral guardian in their lives.

Frankly its shit stirring of the highesr order.

Original poster
WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 23:48

Ok then I'll take your advice and leave them to it, sorry to the ones who would want to be told if it was their partner but I don't want to be accused of shit-stirring

OP posts:
Original poster
WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 23:52

izzie no wasn't me

boden You're sarcasm is totally unnecessary, I'm sorry if this topic has come up before but you know what... so do many of the topics that come up in this forum.

OP posts: