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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell?

84 replies

WouldYouTell · 06/03/2013 22:14

If you know a man is cheating on his partner of 10+years. You know its been going on for about a year. You don't know his partner but you can get her email/phone number. Would you tell her? If you were the partner would you want someone to tell you?

OP posts:
MidnightMasquerader · 07/03/2013 07:17

If the wife is in an open realtionship, then she's probably going to view someone telling her as a 'mundane' Grin curtain-twitching busybody, so either way, it doesn't reflect well on the OP.

But yes, if the OP is fine with any possible negative reaction to the telling, and absolutely feels that telling is the right thing to do, then she should tell. She probably wouldn't have started a thread though, of that were the case...

scaevola · 07/03/2013 07:17

"Maybe very badly if they'd been told before they were ready to hear it"

No one is ever ready to hear this one.

You 'wish you'd been told' because the miserable bit is unavoidable at some point. And the longer the lie, the longer you are deceived, the worse it gets.

newbiefrugalgal · 07/03/2013 07:40

Im one to think you should tell because I have been cheated on and bloody hell it hurts.
Truth may not always come out as some posters say.
If she has some information some facts then she can make her own decisions.

abbyfromoz · 07/03/2013 07:52

I didn't get through the whole thread... As someone who has been cheated on I honestly don't think you should get involved. If you really feel morally that you must say something then talk to your colleague- ask him what he's doing... He might say he's been unhappy for a long time and too scared to leave her... At which point you can offer advice so that he can do the right thing.

HollyMadison · 07/03/2013 08:07

Isn't the priority of outcomes that the bloke stops screwing around? Why don't you meet with the bloke and let him know that you know, maybe talk about how hurtful infidelity is (maybe some anecdotes about families being split apart and people losing respect at work) and say that, as a friend, you are worried about how this could pan out for him if he doesn't stop.

Then see if the affair comes to an end.

Saltpig · 07/03/2013 08:10

I'm someone who received an anonymous letter telling me my ex was having an affair.

At the time it caused huge trauma and anguish because I simply couldn't work out who could want to do such damage to my marriage. As it turned out it was true, he was, and I divorced him.

I never found out who wrote the letter and although it was the catalyst for outing his betrayal it has always left me wondering exactly what this person's motives were, who they are, why they didn't tell me in a kinder way.

It's a difficult one OP. I would have found out anyway (other signs were there) and if I could go back I'd say to that person "if you know for sure, please find a way of telling me in person" or stay out of it.

Hopingtobehappy · 07/03/2013 09:21

I would also stay out of it. To be frank it really is non of your business. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and what reasons people have for doing things.

You also dont know what you could cause to happen by telling!

As boden said, you dont need to appoint yourself as someone else moral guardian.

(Just to also point out that my Ex had several affairs so whilst I do know how that feels, I still think you should stay out of someone elses business)

Darkesteyes · 07/03/2013 14:11

Stuntgirl "if she has an open relationship she wont be bothered will she"

Err not neccesssarily. After 7 years of no affection or sex from my h i had an affair. it lasted for 4 and a half years.
about three years ago my h made this comment "do what you need to do but please be discreet about it"

So just because someone has agreed to an open relationship doesnt automatically mean they want their face rubbed in it!!!!!

StuntGirl · 07/03/2013 15:13

The OP isn't trying to rub anyone's face in it.

I'm sorry you felt harangued into a situation against your wishes though. What you had isn't an open relationship though, you cheated and for whatever reason your husband eventually grudgingly consented.

Original poster
WouldYouTell · 07/03/2013 23:42

Hi all, sorry I've only just come back to this been a long day.

Thanks all for you're advice and opinions.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 07/03/2013 23:52

StuntGirl i suggest you search my previous posts on this site. It happened after SEVEN YEARS of no affection (not even hand holding) or sex.
"with my body i thee worship" is a marriage vow just as much as "forsaking all others" and keep you only unto them"

Im getting bloody sick of people who only want to cherry pick the vows they want to keep (or in your case argue for) and ignore the rest.
Also FYI i did have a chat with WA about this and they said that for a spouse to REFUSE you any affection and then REFUSE to go to counselling but decide that "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you" IS controlling.
Your posts REEK of projection.

Scootee · 08/03/2013 00:09

I've been cheated on. Yes I'd want to know, wouldn't make any difference who told me. By giving her the information, she has the power to make choices. Her first choice might be to snoop around to verify the info if she is already suspicious.

MidnightMasquerader · 08/03/2013 03:07

Woah, Darkesteyes - I really don't think StuntGirl was passing judgment on your situation; merely pointing out that what you have with your DH isn't an open relationship in the accepted sense of the concept. i.e. where a couple discusses it openly, agrees on the terms and then embarks on it, to the mutual satisfaction of both.

Mosman · 08/03/2013 03:11

I would want to know

jynier · 08/03/2013 03:57

Saltpig - It was probably the OW who sent the letter to you!

I remember having a very mysterious conversation with a friend; it was all a bit odd and I didn't understand what she was trying to say! With hindsight, she was telling me that my XP was seeing someone else but I didn't grasp it at the time. Wish that she had come straight out with it; would have saved me quite a few years of misery and anguish!

Darkesteyes · 08/03/2013 15:23

Midnight you may be right. Sorry Stuntgirl.

phoenixrose314 · 08/03/2013 15:32

I'd want to know, but I'd want evidence.

pleasestoptalking · 08/03/2013 17:17

I don't think it's shit-stirring though. I think it's trying to help someone out as you would hope someone would help you out.

You have to listen to your conscience OP and do what you think is best. Don't be swayed by what people say on here - who made them the moral guardians?

SolidGoldBrass · 08/03/2013 17:24

It is shitstirring, because you don't know the woman in question. It's not a case of deciding to act out of concern for a friend.
Do you really hate the man, BTW? Or indeed fancy him for yourself? Because people who want to meddle like this always have an agenda of some description and it's rarely a good one. It's never going to be a noble motive when it's people you barely know. So you are either a monogamy obsessive who should perhaps get a hobby and leave other people alone, or you are a compulsive meddler who likes to stir other people up and watch what happens.

pleasestoptalking · 08/03/2013 17:41

Solid - what???? altruism doesn't exist? being kind to people you don't know isn't possible unless there's something in it for you?

That's a happy world you live in.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/03/2013 20:00

It's not altruism or kindness at work here. It's either the imposition of the OP's own personal standards on the life of someone she knows nothing about, or it's malice.

StuntGirl · 09/03/2013 00:07

"Woah, Darkesteyes - I really don't think StuntGirl was passing judgment on your situation; merely pointing out that what you have with your DH isn't an open relationship in the accepted sense of the concept. i.e. where a couple discusses it openly, agrees on the terms and then embarks on it, to the mutual satisfaction of both."

Yes, this midnight!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/03/2013 00:46

I think telling may look good on paper, however it would be impossible to predict what would happen next. No matter how many scripts you write for it, the results will be out of your control. It may be an extreme idea, but what if the lady committed suicide upon receiving your news, however kindly meant?
So, no, don't take that risk.

Also, imho, since it involves a senior (to you) person at your place of employment, I can see this backfiring on you in a big way, as mentioned up thread. You would be the one committing suicide, professional suicide. So, no, don't take that risk. Even if he is a nasty b@st@rd at work and you are tempted to have revenge: this just way out of scale for that sort of pissing match.

I agree with you, SGB; she could also be a narcissist that treats people as props who need to conform to her template for living. If you do have "interesting social dynamics" with people, (I am not saying that you do), WouldYouTell, I wouldn't do anything that would shout it out so loud and clear as butting into peoples' private lives would demonstrate. So, no, don't take that risk.

Darkesteyes · 09/03/2013 00:53

Im really sorry Stuntgirl Its a sensitive subject for me but thats NO excuse for me being shirty to you so my sincere apologies Thanks Thanks

StuntGirl · 09/03/2013 01:01

That's ok darkest you sound like you're stuck in a horrible situation. I hope things can get better for you Thanks

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