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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

rant about men

41 replies

sheridanielsmummy · 01/03/2013 23:06

hey

I'm just in a rant mode i'm 20 and my partners 26, i don't know if i'm being selfish or just being a horrible girlfriend, but does any one else think there partners are taking the mick out of them.

We've been together nearly 2 years and have a 7 month old lb together. at first he was amazing, but now it just feels like he taking mick. don't get me wrong he works full time to support us. But as soon as hes home he's straight on the xbox, even while my sons up which i've told him to stop and he doesn't, and tonight he finished at 4 and didnt turn up home till 8 (no call/text nothing) claiming he was doing over time but coming home slurring his words and avoiding me. hes now decided hes taking £40 again to go out tomorrow leaving us skint and the council tax not being paid (again). plus its his birthday Tuesday and i know he will be out again.

he does this pretty much every week, then stays in bed saturday until sometime 3 in afternoon! gets up, plays xbox, eats tea, more xbox, bed. and then same week again.

feels like im just not appreciated anymore and he doesnt want to spend time with either of us.

any ideas how to make him realise. ive tried talking to him but he just gets deffensive and turns it round on me? x

OP posts:

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 01/03/2013 23:18

26? Not 11?

WTF is a guy with a partner and a child doing pissing around on the xbox.

Seem to be an entire generation of sulky,shiftless, perpetual teenaged boys coming up.

Original poster

sheridanielsmummy · 01/03/2013 23:33

thank you! not just me then, i think men are becoming younger by day mentally, he uses the excuse well my mates (with no kids/gf/jobs) do it! x

OP posts:

maleview70 · 01/03/2013 23:37

Was your baby planned?

Men are immature at 26 without the responsibility of a baby.

He needs a kick up his arse to make him realise what he needs to be doing.

Original poster

sheridanielsmummy · 01/03/2013 23:43

no not planned, ive tried over and over, he just turns it on me and says im trying to take him away from his mates/taking his only 'me' time away x

OP posts:

fatfingers · 01/03/2013 23:43

You are not being a horrible gf. You are being responsible. Have you sat down and talked to him calmly about these issues? It sounds like he has decided he wants to carry on a single man's life while you do all childcare/worrying about house and money.

Do you have joint finances? It sounds like you need to pay all the bills as soon as he gets paid so he can't spend his wages. Have you shown him income/outgoings and planned what is left to spend after bills are paid?

LuisGarcia · 01/03/2013 23:44

You're not selfish, you're not a horrible girlfriend, and it's not men.

It's him.

fatfingers · 01/03/2013 23:49

I agree, its not men - its this particular man - and you can't make him change if he doesn't want to. If you have tried over and over again to talk to him and he has decided he is still going to continue doing what he likes, perhaps it is time to change your behaviour instead. He has effectively told you he's not prepared to change so perhaps he needs to leave and be a single man if that is what he wants to be?

maleview70 · 01/03/2013 23:54

In that case I can't see this ending well.

He will realise one day that having a child is the best thing that could happen to him.

Unfortunately it is likely to be when he is an outsider
Looking in.

Original poster

sheridanielsmummy · 01/03/2013 23:56

i try very often to have these conversations and he just ends up making me feel selfish for asking him to spend time with me and my son, i even asked him if he wanted to be here or wanted the single mans life back and his response was 'i cant believe you would say that, i hope you know that hurts'.

we dont technically have anything joint, but he refuses to open a bank account so his wages go into my bank, (which he often takes to work with him as if his own) he seems to have a delusional opinion on how much bills/rent etc cost. until he moved in with me he lived rent free in a pub with his landlord, didnt pay a penny and spent all his wages on drinks? x

OP posts:

pictish · 02/03/2013 00:04

It's him.
Not all men are like this...but this guy is barely man and is really just a boy.
He doesn't sound like a nice partner to have.

What are you thinking of doing next? I am assuming you have already sounded all this out with him and got nowhere....

pictish · 02/03/2013 00:05

Ah.. cross posted.
So you have discussed these issues and hot a brick wall. What will you do now?

pictish · 02/03/2013 00:08

hot? I mean hit

fatfingers · 02/03/2013 00:11

My dh was like this when our first dc was born. I cannot believe I put up with it in hindsight. I did eventually snap, as I realised that I would be better off financially and emotionally without him. Once I understood this, I was able to tell him calmly and seriously that it was over and he needed to leave - no argument, no discussion, no interest in him defending his actions and blaming me. Suddenly he decided that he wanted to change and things improved!

If you want to stay with this man, I would start by taking your bank card back off him. If he needs money for work he will have to take it out of the cashpoint the night before. I would make a spreadsheet of bills so you both know exactly how much money there is to spend after bills ever month and you can then split this evenly.

But the question has to be asked - why is it only you who has to put the effort in? He is accusing you of hurting him by asking if he wants to be single but he doesn't seem to care that he is hurting you by his actions. He is the selfish one.

usualsuspect · 02/03/2013 00:15

My DP is not like this.

So it's not all men.

Original poster

sheridanielsmummy · 02/03/2013 00:23

i might try that fatfingers, i have been close to snapping for a while and just seem to be going round in circles. he sees at his wages because he works while im at home. i know financially i would be better off without him, but i dont know how i would cope emotionally, if im honest its like im clinging on because i have noone else x

OP posts:

LuisGarcia · 02/03/2013 01:10

A minor clarification, please. You have a son together?

TisILeclerc · 02/03/2013 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TisILeclerc · 02/03/2013 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 02/03/2013 07:30

Rant about men? It's sad you picked an arse to have a child with but not all men are like this, hopefully you'll know better next time.

TDada · 02/03/2013 07:35

Tell him that The Dada will come over and kick his selfish bum

HollyBerryBush · 02/03/2013 07:38

He must have been like this before you had a baby? frankly the xbox would have been enough for me to terminate the relationship before it even got as far as the baby stage.

HollyBerryBush · 02/03/2013 07:39

if im honest its like im clinging on because i have noone else x

There's your answer. Leave now, there is nothing in the relationship for you. Don't cling on.

Ledkr · 02/03/2013 07:46

Ask yourself what you will lose/gain from going it alone.
The best possible scenario is that he'd wake up and sort himself out and the worst is you'd be alone to have mates round instead of being in your own all the time and the bills will be paid and you will have some money for yourself.
Easy decision.
Not all men are like this.:

fatfingers · 02/03/2013 10:48

Have you got any other family/friends? I had family who lived some distance away and I realised that my life was a hell of a lot harder living with a manchild than it would be if I lived on my own with dc, closer to my family and friends.

I know very well how lonely it is doing everything for your dc on your own while your dp lies in bed. Ime that is worse than being single because there is someone in the house who could help you but is actively choosing not to.

gtedder1 · 02/03/2013 10:52

sheridanielsmummy - my ex husband used to come home every evening and sit on his computer playing games and most weekends were spent like that too....sometimes from morning till evening. i would go to bed at night while he would be sat downstairs still playing computer games till very late. If it wasn't the computer it was games on his iphone. most evenings were spent with us sat on seperate sofas, no conversation or anything. Just him engrossed in his games. He didn't seem to help much with DS. And my ex is 40!! Whenever, i complained, he said that he shud be allowed to spend his evenings and wkends as he wishes because he goes to work and pays the bills. We were together 4 years and things just got worse so i left him 5 months ago and have never been happier.

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