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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH of 8 years has 2 kids he didn't tell me about. Gutted.

241 replies

Superloopy7 · 01/03/2013 15:54

I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.

His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.

I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.

I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.

How would you feel?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 03/03/2013 09:08

Ah, strikethroughfail on phone!

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 03/03/2013 09:09

The thing is, he's saying he thought he told you. But when you asked him if those boys were his sons, he said no!

Flojobunny · 03/03/2013 09:18

Why is it inappropriate kitty the 'boys' are 25 yo not children. They would be much more honest than their mother and indeed his mother, she is clearly completely biased and can't be trusted to tell the truth.
But to be honest smoking cannabis in his 'den' everyday its clear OP would put up with anything so its all irrelevant anyway.

Xiaoxiong · 03/03/2013 09:20

Not only did he say no, he said it twice, a few days apart.

I'm sorry OP. I don't think there's any way back from this.

I do think you should have a chat with your MIL though - is it possible he told her you knew/he had told you everything? I wouldn't immediately assume she was colluding to lie to you, more likely she thought you already knew so why being it up again. Who knows what tissue of lie this guy spun to her and others. He might even have said "I told her, she was upset and never wants to hear them mentioned or she won't let our children see their granny if the boys are round."

kittybiscuits · 03/03/2013 09:33

Oh apols flojo I just read the recent posts after reading this thread yesterday and in my dodgy rememberings the twins were kids. However, I have been quizzed as an adult about my own father's highly reconstructed account of why him being a shit parent was everyone else's fault and it's not a very good position to be put in, neither is being blamed when the girlfriend goes back to him and says 'kitty says this'. He was also a self centred long-time stoner, interestingly enough. Sorry for getting it wrong. The idea of asking the twins still makes me feel uncomfortable. The bottom line is this - OP knows she cannot trust her OH because he is a massive liar and a worm.

comingintomyown · 03/03/2013 10:17

I agree with not approaching the twins

Apart from anything else I dont see what they could possibly say to exonerate him from the whole thing.

I dont see what the dope smoking thing has to do with this in all honesty although I suppose the OP must be unhappy about it or she wouldnt have included the information

PureQuintessence · 03/03/2013 10:19

Op. just ask him to leave....

His den is not in a locked garage that you dont have access to, by any chance?

lolaflores · 03/03/2013 11:25

The dope smoking in my view is relevant as it points to a distinct lack of taking responsibility. Avoidance and keeping the world at a foggy arms lenght. My eldest DDs father was the same and also spent her first birthday money from my family on a good old smoke up...
Imagine if the joint were a bottlle of whiskey or a hit of cocaine?! The behaviour is not useful. Withdrawing into a "den" to smoke...child!>!>

The twins are not at fault here, they are victims too and innocent. Do not look for answers, you won't get any. get rid and keep rid. this man has proved he is in no frame of mind to change ever. his mum needs a bit of a think too.

squeaver · 03/03/2013 11:33

I agree, go and speak to his mum. Just for your own peace if mind you need to know the full story.

But I think you know this is all over, don't you? Is he really going to stop smoking dope? Do you really believe he's telling the truth about his other children?

Does he work, by the way?

WinterMymble · 03/03/2013 12:33

Oh my goodness I am so sorry OP - what a hideous situation - and you do know he is still lying, yes? His claim he ha already told you- as other posters have noted that doesn't mesh with his initial denials and the mandated secrecy at his mother's house with the boys.

PLEASE chuck him. The number of ways he is a twat... I know your dd loves him but staying wd be madness - and jn any case he will just lie and let her down too ...

ArbitraryUsername · 03/03/2013 12:37

I agree it must be over. You cannot trust this man at all. He's been lying to you by omission and outright for your entire relationship, about all sorts of things. That's unforgivable. And I wouldn't put up with the cannabis smoking/spending all the family money on it either. The fact that he's barely repentant tells you that he doesn't think he's really done anything wrong. I don't see how any relationship could come back from that.

However, more positively your children have brothers they didn't know about, and nieces/nephews who are (presumably) close to their own ages. You have an opportunity to build a relationship with these boys and to integrate them into your family (if you want to). Your MIL might be willing to help facilitate this.

springyhops · 03/03/2013 13:34

My dear girl, you're with a drug addict. It amazes me how weed isn't seen for what it is.

Difficult emotions? smoke a spliff. Difficult history? smoke a spliff. Difficult anything? smoke a spliff. Check out. Smoke a spliff.

He's made this a lifestyle choice. Please don't underestimate how drastically this affects him and your life together.

I'm not surprised he has conveniently 'forgotten' his twin children - he's spending all his money and time forgetting everything through smoking endless spliffs.

In my book, that's the biggest problem you have. The twins etc is an offshoot of that.

Nightmare.

Domjolly · 03/03/2013 14:08

So in order to keep up this lie hes denied two boys a father also denied you girls there brothers also hes deneid you the CHOICE weather you wanted to be a step mother espically with a man ho has no intest in his children unless there u nder his nose

I always said i could never be with somone who would deny his own children my dad did this turns out i have 12 siblings my mother or his current wife new about until 10 years ago step mum sayed with him but its been like poision to there relationship they basically live seprate lives

She also wonders what elese he has manged to keep form her

just one other point op it means you whole family on his side have been lieing to you they watched you walk up the isle knowing what they know

Original poster
Superloopy7 · 04/03/2013 22:55

He says he's glad I know. He felt sick every time we went to his Mum's in case someone said anything. His Mum and his family didn't realise I didn't know. I still don't know how I feel about what he says were the circumstances leading to him having lost contact with the boys, when he was only a kid himself. He says he had no choice. And as sad as the story is and even if he has been wronged he should have told me when we started the relationship and at the very least told the truth when I asked and not make me feel like a paranoid, head-muddled fool.

The smoking has become an issue over the last 3 years when he started smoking more in the evenings, into the early hours and during the day at weekends. I need to stress, this is never in the house, but I realise it is an addiction and I've been trying to support him so that he gives it up. I'm just not being listened to. I mentioned it in the context of this latest revelation because it has been an issue that's put our relationship on the line at least 4 times in the last year and I feel that this is a lie too far.

He's like a split personality. He can be so considerate and helpful and an affectionate playful father but against the backdrop of lies, financial and personal irresponsibility I really don't know who I'm sharing my life with.

Thanks to everyone who has posted. I have some hard decisions to make in terms of what's best for my DDs and me and that includes whether to try and broker relationships between them and their half brothers.

OP posts:
cjel · 04/03/2013 22:58

Hope you are able to make your right choices for you and DDs,hope you have someone you can chat to about it.

izzyizin · 04/03/2013 23:54

against the backdrop of lies, financial and personal irresponsibility I really don't know who I'm sharing my life with

It's not a 'backdrop' - his lies, together with his financial and personal irresponsibility, are in the forefront and they provide clearcut evidence of what he is, which is wholly untrustworthy.

You are best advised to cut your losses as far as he's concerned and facilitate a relationship between your dds and their half-siblings on an 'as and when convenient' basis for all of you.

Xiaoxiong · 05/03/2013 10:57

Good luck. To all of us on the outside it seems obvious what you need to do but from the inside it must feel unbearably difficult and sad - please do keep posting for support, there are people here with loads of great practical, legal and financial advice.

There's one silver lining at least - if his mum and family didn't know you didn't know, he's the only person who has been lying to you. This means that you only need to make a decision with regard to your relationship with him and not with your MIL and the rest of his family. I hope it's a bit easier on you now you know she wasn't colluding with him to keep you in the dark, and that also she made the effort to stay in contact with her grandsons over the years when he somehow was unable or unwilling to do so. This bodes well for your DDs and their future relationship with their father's side of the family.

zippey · 05/03/2013 16:42

Isnt smoking cannibas illegal? If it is then its not a great example to be setting for your chidlren. Still, hope things work out for you. I do feel sorry for his two older kids though.

poppymay13 · 06/03/2013 11:29

Superloopy 7 it sounds like we have a lot in common re the weed habit. I'd like to talk more - how do you send private messages on here?

carmenelectra · 06/03/2013 12:31

Oh god. What a massive secret to keep.

And his family thought you knew. Oh really. Why didn't they ever mention these kids then.

He has basically duped you.

The cannabis is another big issue. In my experience people who smoke cannabis like Benson and Hedges tend to be losers. Seem to be talking through a brain of fog, have no motivation and appear to be thick.

musicismylife · 06/03/2013 12:43

Hi OP.

I haven't read all of the threads, only skimmed over them but I wonder whether he saw his twins all along just at his mother's house. It's worth a thought. It's awful that he has kept his children as his 'dirty little secret'.

I don't know how you would get through anything like this but you will, in time.

x

PootlePosyPerkin · 06/03/2013 12:47

I agree with what others have said - those poor boys Sad. Although they are adults now. How on earth must they have felt, being introduced to their little sisters but not being allowed to tell them who they were?

Like a dirty, shameful secret I'd bet Sad.

No man who can do that to their own children deserves a second chance IMHO.

Isetan · 06/03/2013 13:57

Which is it? "I thought you knew" or "I was scared my mum would let the cat out of the bag everytime we went round", he's still lying!

White ones, medium sized ones and whoppers, just like his weed habit, lying is just another of his compulsions. His dedication to the art of fuckwittery is long and unwavering.

Do not stay because you fear history repeating itself, therein lies madness.

His irresponsibility and lies are things that you can not change, however, the extent to which you expose you and your girls to this disrespectful and damaging behaviour is totally in your hands.

Would you be happy with your girls staying in a relationship with someone like their father, don't let your marriage be the model for their future
relationships.

My ex was a great Dad as long as I was there doing the boring bits; cooking, cleaning, school and activity pick and drop offs, dentist appointments.....

He was only an ok dad because I was and is a kick ass mother.
When we split,4 days a month were too much for him despite his mother taking on the boring bits. He hasn't seen his daughter in three years because he won't agree to supervised visits. I' m guessing he's afraid that the contact centre and/ or courts won't sanction ad hoc when he can be arsed contact.

It's taken a very long long time to come to terms that my ex just doesn't care enough about our daughter to make a commitment.

You have a voice Pp.

Isetan · 06/03/2013 13:59

Op not Pp.

mummymccar · 07/03/2013 09:06

For me, what it would all come down to is "what else is he hiding?". If he can hide two children for eight years then I bet that isn't all.
Sorry you are going through this.