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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 44

999 replies

lubeybooby · 01/03/2013 09:46

Here we go - all dating chat here!

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 01/03/2013 18:55

Probably why I make a lot of excuses for him. I've had the old black dog on my shoulder before now and I know how difficult it can make life. He is getting better but it's never a straight path, there are always downs as well as ups. I think at the moment he's just got too much on his plate.

The money thing is pretty worrying if he's let things slip to the extent that bailiffs turned up at his house to seize his property. I have an absolute horror of this sort of situation. So many warning bells for me here.

Dd has just written COCK in huge capitals on my shopping list. Think I'll get half a dozen.

OhWesternWind · 01/03/2013 18:56

Oops sorry, double post.

JulietteMontague · 01/03/2013 19:02

Western I do hope that is Waitrose Naice Cock

Original poster
lubeybooby · 01/03/2013 19:06

I never let depression be an excuse. It's a treatable illness, the symptoms of which can be a total arse because they can include hopelessness and all that. But once you realise it's an illness and things like inertia, feelings of hopelessness and blackness etc are the symptoms and not how things actually are, it's much easier to get a handle on it.

I don't understand him not taking meds because of a job, that is quite insulting really as it implies you function less well on them. That may be true for a couple of weeks while they settle down but after that they are a great support and you can function just as well as anyone else, and have the strength to recognise it all for an illness that needs treating.

Say colds were permanent unless you took lemsip every day for a few months - it's like refusing to that and permanently living with the cold.

I haven't had any need for them in years and years but I wouldn't hesitate if it came back.

OP posts:
Original poster
lubeybooby · 01/03/2013 19:06

at Juliette

OP posts:
JulietteMontague · 01/03/2013 19:09

Scazy is that the ex with the 'friends'? if it's only 2 months you are doing very well Smile

OhWesternWind · 01/03/2013 19:16

Lubey it's something else about the job, more due to other people's perceptions. It does make sense in a weird way, I can see his point but I've told him a few weeks ago it's not a helpful attitude when he could do with ads and counselling.

JulietteMontague · 01/03/2013 19:17

Western don't answer this if it will out him but how would anyone else know?

Original poster
lubeybooby · 01/03/2013 19:20

No one needs to know he takes them though. Surely other people perceptions of him will be worse if he has bailiffs turning up all over the place when he clearly has the funds to deal with things before that stage.

Ah I see Juliette has asked why anyone would know. Yes don't out him if it would. I can't think of any job where it's anyones damn business, unless you were off for a great length of time.

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 01/03/2013 19:20

Can't say on here but they would. I will pm you.

OhWesternWind · 01/03/2013 19:28

Can't pm off my phone I don't think.

Original poster
lubeybooby · 01/03/2013 19:32

Ok fair enough, I'll pm you later don't worry :) but... even if people would know, it still has to be better than being in the shit, and he's likely to have a dodgy view of other peoples perceptions due to the nature of the illness

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 01/03/2013 19:39

OWW I am another one who has taken ADs for quite a while. Kept coming off too quickly and then relapsed which wasn't great. Finally came off them v slowly and had a course of CBT and haven't taken them for just over 3 years which considering what has happened in that time is pretty good. Think my depression may have contributed to my marriage breaking down and when I was out the other side again XH had found someone else.

Whenever I started taking ADs I was very tired and had "morning sickness" for a couple of weeks but they were what I needed to be able to function on any sort of level. I suppose I too can't see why LM feels he can't take them but presume there must be some reason.

Scrazy · 01/03/2013 19:41

Juliette, yes that's him, he wasn't that good I kid myself.

OhWesternWind · 01/03/2013 19:53

Oh no getting the urge to phone him and it's only ten to eight Grin

If he ignores my dad's anniversary tomorrow I'm going to find that really hard to deal with. When it was his last week he was really pissed off that his ex hadn't said anything to him when he picked the kids up, so he's obviously sensitive to these nuances. Now I am worrying about that as well as the other stuff.

Have said I'll go to my dads grave with my mum tomorrow. This is a really big thing for me. I've only been once apart from the funeral. Shit. Want to change my mind.

OhWesternWind · 01/03/2013 19:54

Miranda and Lubey - I really wish he'd go back to the doctor but he won't. I'm sure he's not as over it as he is pretending.

JulietteMontague · 01/03/2013 19:55

Western what Lubey said. It may well be that he is sticking his head in the sand about being depressed and assuming others would take a dim view. When I was working I had a surprising number of staff on ADs, I only knew because sometimes something would happen and they didn't want to tell their immediate line managers. The only thing they had in common was the fear someone would fine out. No one knew, not their colleagues who also had depression, not their managers, not HR. It's so much more common than anyone thinks.

Anyway, depressed or not it does not excuse the main event which is he let you down and still hasn't said sorry yet.

JulietteMontague · 01/03/2013 19:58

Western you can changed your mind. It may cause ructions but you can change your mind Only go if you are feeling up to it, if it will help you. You are not just there for your Mum, you grieve how you need to .

Scrazy · 01/03/2013 20:00

OWW, I lost both parents many years ago, my dad in hellish circumstances when I was 18 and my mum at a ripe old age but still... It will be a lovely personal time when you visit the grave.

Forgot to say huge congratulations to your DD, what a fantastic achievement for her and you of course.

I don't say much on here as don't want to out myself but my DD is a tremendous source of pride to me, what she is doing. I honestly think that family is so important, so is a man but hey family trumps it.

CastroIsDead · 01/03/2013 20:04

is this supposed to be a kiss :* ?
ridiculously excited about my date although haven't actually set a date yet im very busy with work next week and have my ds to look after

OhWesternWind · 01/03/2013 20:20

Scrazy you're right, nothing more important than family. Y two are such a source of pride and joy (and a lot else).

Juliette see this is how my stupid mind works. I think about all this extraneous stuff and end up feeling sorry for him and forgetting what he's done. Crap.

Castro think so. Get that date sorted pronto and try not to get too excited beforehand!

VelvetSpoon · 01/03/2013 20:25

Western, if you don't want to go to the grave, don't go. You're allowed to change your mind. If you think rather than a time of quiet reflection with your memories of your dad it's more likely to be your mum mithering at you about this and that, then do something else. Go for a walk somewhere peaceful maybe, or do something that will (in a good way) remind you of your dad and honour his memory.

One of my dad's big loves was horseracing - I always feel a bit closer to him whenever I go. Made me think of him earlier when you said that your dad was only 49 when he died - it seems scarily young to me, as that's the age my dad was when I was born, and just starting on a whole new chapter of his life (I was his first child, and my mum, who he had only met a couple of years earlier, was his first proper relationship after nearly 30 years of playing the field...).

And re LM, depressed or not, he has behaved badly. And he's not even said one single sorry so far. He is not (yet) deserving of you sympathising with him. He could've said sorry, you're right, and then gone back to feeling woe is me, or whatever he's doing, but he hasn't even done that. Yet. I do stress the yet because I think (hope) he's not so foolish that he won't still redeem himself somehow.

Scrazy · 01/03/2013 20:32

I visit my mum and dads grave quite seldom, when I do it's usually when I want to tell them something, rather that this anniversary and Christmas time etc. It's personal to an individual.

Deleted my POF account so will still lurk and might still post, with my infinite wisdom, if that's OK?

JulietteMontague · 01/03/2013 20:33

Scazy I'm sorry for your loss too, good you have your lovely DD to be proud of.

I lost my Dad 6 years ago this February and tbh with the talk of bereavements it made me realise that I still haven't grieved for him properly, I didn't get the chance at the time and I had nowhere to go with it or talk it through (hence projecting comment above)

OhWesternWind · 01/03/2013 20:39

Thanks Velvet. The grave thing is going to be bad and end in an argument, but if I say no it will lead to an argument too. I'll sleep on it.

I don't think he's going to apologise, or get in contact. He's run off into his cave and he's not coming out. I don't know what to do. When it comes down to it, I really want/need to see him, need a bit of support. I know he's let me down and it really hurts but that doesn't make the need for a hug go away. I just don't know what to do.

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