How do I leave my husband? Practical advice please

[movingon]

After much soul searching I have decided that it would be best if my husband and I went our seperate ways. I know he will be very much against the idea but I am banging my head against a brick wall here. Thing is I don't know how to actually do it. We live in a rural area and I have no family support and only a few friends. I gave up my career before it started to raise our three kids now 2.5, 6 and 7.5 so I have been totally dependent on him.

I want them to stay in the same school so I need to stay local but I have no income of my own. I know he will refuse to go so I will need to do the leaving if I want it to happen. I know I probably have more rights but I just want it to happen and this is the best way. How do I go from having no income and married to claiming benefits as a single mum? How do I move somewhere new - what happens with deposit, rent etc? I really don't know where to start.

I was planning to start a 3 year degree course in 18 months when my youngest starts school. Maybe I would be better to start now but I'm not sure how I will cope. If I move from here I move from my friends too. But I can't carry on like this. I'm just dreading how he is going to react to it all. My friend has a terrible time with her ex and I know that my husband will be just as bad if not worse if I announce I really am going. What shall I do? I am terrified of all I will be giving up. We have a near perfect life here. Its a fantastic place. But I can never live up to his exactling standards and I am sick of being made to feel bad about myself. I know it will be hard but surely in the long run I will feel better about myself.

(I've changed my username just in case)

why so many deleted messages?

@ellengeorgia

why so many deleted messages?

Sorry folks! We seem to have a very persistent spammer haunting this thread. Please report any more of these v. annoying posts so we can zap.

I know this thread has been running for years but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been involved as you've given me lots to think about. My husband of 10 years (we've been together for 15) is in a private hospital, paid for by his family, for the whole month. He tried to kill himself three weeks ago after years of battling with bipolar and alcoholism. I've stood by him the entire time despite the constant lies, deceit, anger, aggression, mood swings, lack of energy, lack of love, total personality transplant, the spending, the collecting, the sadness. I still love him but that love is fading every day since he finally tried to kill himself. To get that call from him saying what he'd done changed me more than I realised at the time. I've been seeing a counsellor for three weeks since. Before that, when I discovered he'd been drinking for six months and hiding it, racking up thousands more pounds of debt and telling even more lies, I cracked. I started to have panic attacks and eventually succumbed and went on anti-depressants having been offered them numerous times to help me get through my various life crises (as the doctor says).
My husband is due to come home soon and I'm dreading it. I want positive change but after so many years I don't think I'm going to get it. I saw him in the hospital and he was manic and anxious and acting very bizarrely.
I can't just leave. I have two very young children, but I know now I cannot go back to living as I have been for the past 6+ years. I've spent years worrying about him, pre-empting, questioning, worrying. I can't do it anymore. I can't be his carer and I can't be his parent. We are both down on the mortgage. I took some time out to have the kids but have my own business and income. It's a growing business but it does pay me a salary every month. It wouldn't cover the mortgage and the bills so I would need to either earn more, get a smaller mortgage (!) or try to move house. The latter is not something I want to entertain - this is the family home and my kids are happy here.
I am currently weighing up what's better long term, living like I have been, putting up and shutting up, waiting for the kids to get independent enough and then leaving, which is not something I want to do but i know plenty do. Or, leave and deal with the consequences. I'm really worried about the consequences of my husband's behaviour on the children and cannot trust him to be with the kids on his own because of the lies, alcoholism and the suicide attempt. I'm really lonely and confused and only in my early 30s. This all seems so unfair. I just want a happy little family life with its usual trials and tribulations but this seems so so much bigger. What can I do? Does anyone have experience of this and have you got through it? How?

Mariagrant10 you appear to be spouting horse shit about love spells and 'dr sanjay'. How disrespectful to other posters in genuine distress. Trot along now won't you?. I've reported your post.

Hi all,

We've taken the decision to suspend this thread. Plenty of good advice has been shared over the years, but it's been a bit of a magnet for spammers, unfortunately.