How do I leave my husband? Practical advice please

[movingon]

After much soul searching I have decided that it would be best if my husband and I went our seperate ways. I know he will be very much against the idea but I am banging my head against a brick wall here. Thing is I don't know how to actually do it. We live in a rural area and I have no family support and only a few friends. I gave up my career before it started to raise our three kids now 2.5, 6 and 7.5 so I have been totally dependent on him.

I want them to stay in the same school so I need to stay local but I have no income of my own. I know he will refuse to go so I will need to do the leaving if I want it to happen. I know I probably have more rights but I just want it to happen and this is the best way. How do I go from having no income and married to claiming benefits as a single mum? How do I move somewhere new - what happens with deposit, rent etc? I really don't know where to start.

I was planning to start a 3 year degree course in 18 months when my youngest starts school. Maybe I would be better to start now but I'm not sure how I will cope. If I move from here I move from my friends too. But I can't carry on like this. I'm just dreading how he is going to react to it all. My friend has a terrible time with her ex and I know that my husband will be just as bad if not worse if I announce I really am going. What shall I do? I am terrified of all I will be giving up. We have a near perfect life here. Its a fantastic place. But I can never live up to his exactling standards and I am sick of being made to feel bad about myself. I know it will be hard but surely in the long run I will feel better about myself.

(I've changed my username just in case)

hi not sure if il get a reply as this is an old thread but feel i need to vent

i have been with my husband for 11 years and married for 7. I have a 17 year old from a previous relationship and we have a 7 year old together.

I have never been an overly affectionate partner, I love him and tell him daily that I do but I am not the kissy cuddly type, nor do i have much interest in sex. Believe me I have tried everything to try to stimulate my interest but nothing seems to work. I do it with my husband as a duty and though i dont think he senses it, I feel so guilty as I fake every time. He had an affair which lasted a year with a beautiful girl who is 10 years younger than me, I dont think this helped matters as I was left with massive confidence issues, however, I did take my share of the blame for the affair as I am not as into sex as he is. I took my responsibility and allowed him to come back for the sake of the children, but he treats me as though I had an affair and is constantly suspicious. Commenting every time i look at my phone to the point I actually feel guilt for something I havent and never would do. I never use his affair against him in arguments I made it clear I wouldnt.

My husband has become more and more controlling as out relationship has gone on and is so subtle that i can never quite out my finger on what is wrong. He is passive aggressive and would never say anything out of turn, his anger is manifested in his actions. For example sulking if I say I am going to my brothers (but denies he is sulking), phoning me 3 times when I am out grocery shopping so that he can hear where I am, pre empting when we have a babysitter and jumping in with plans for us so that I cannot do anything with friends or family without feeling like I an cancelling on him. The list is endless and I understand that to people in abusive relationships it may sound so trivial. I was always a happy go lucky person but feel I need to tip toe around his sulks and emotions and rarely invite people over as I cannot stand his presence, he finds fault in anything my friends say and uses it against me in arguments. I find that I cannot stand him most of the time. He goes around the house sulking like a teenager, and my oldest child cannot stand him. He started off the most wonderful step dad but now finds fault in every single thing my oldest does. I am torn as the rare time he is behaving normally we get a laugh together, but more as a friend. I feel I love him but I do not like him most of the time and if we did not have our child together I would not be with him just now. I was always financially independant but now I work part time and there is no way I could afford to leave him (he is trying to get me to give up my job also).

I have read alot of this thread whilst sitting with a coffee.
Thought this may help somebody.
I lived for 16 years with a man that I met at 18 I was a baby when I met him and he was 32, he was like god to me house, job, freedom took me on a holiday.
Life was great 3 kids later a wonderful step son that I adore and now has 2 children of his own that I am nana to.
Bliss you maybe thinking and es my family were wonderful my husband was jekyl and Hyde i never knew who I would come home to. Id sit on the field near to my work and read for an hour before I went home just for more time out. Ive been hit, bit mentally ruined. I became nasty and cold back to him for the last 2 years nothing I did ever helped.
5 weeks ago my 2 daughters now 14 and 12 started texting me saying mum you deserve better we will support you with whatever you want we know you are unhappy and staying for us but we are no longer happy either.
4 weeks ago I walked out.
I now have a lovely rented cottage with 3 bedrooms slowly gathering furniture that we have chosen ourselves the home is full of smiles and happiness.
I feel contended, relaxed and my confidence is back I now know he was lying to me I arent a fat, ugly bitch far from it.
I left with 3 bags no money and no security.
It was the best thing I ever did bar having my children.

I am glad I didnt go sooner it was right time form my kids and me.
My husband is playing childish games trying to buy their love its not needed they aleady love him.
Im taking them over whenever they want to go and just keeping away.
He is playing all the daft cards saying I cant have the house I arent entitled to it he is talking rubbish and for now he can talk to himself about it untill he calms down and acts like the adult he is supposed to be.

Hi, I am 27 years old and for the last couple of years I have become so unhappy in my marriage. My husband is abusive and violent to me and now we have a daughter 2yrs old I need to leave. I have no idea where to start. I work 30hrs a week. I wondered if anyone knew anything like benefits I could get or a number I could ring to help me get out. will be great full for any advice.

jenski
I do not have the necessary knowledge or expertise to advise you, except to urge you to start your own thread as this is such an old one and people may not see your question at the end of it.

There are a lot of very knowledgeable people with experience who will be able to help you on this board, and you will receive a lot of support and compassion.
I hope you get the help you need and stay safe. Good luck.

Honey listen to me . I am a marrige counsler . I see women like you every day . Tell him how you feel . If it does not help then give him your papers he will have to give you money for the kids . Living on benifits as a single mum will be hard but you will get jobseekers alowence and child benifits and child suport . When all kids are at school is the perfect time to study but remember you need extra money . Maybe look around if you could do experience at a charity shop then get a part time job (it is what most students do)

Hi guys, I hope somebody still reads this post.... I find it incredibly sad that in this day and age so many women have come to this thread to say how unhappy they are and how trapped they feel.

A little bit about my story.... 15 years ago I met a boy.... We had twins 4 years later.... He was an alcoholic and was the loveliest man ever when sober. He was and is a good dad, but a terrible husband, he hit me a few times, wrote off my car when drunk, continually accused me of cheating(I didn't)and eventually tried to kill me when drunk with a 16 inch carving knife! Very apologetic the next day when released from custody, but I left when child protection said I would have to make a choice. The girls were two when I left and they are now 11. They have no idea of what went on. When I left with them it was so hard, I was so scared, I was half way through my nurse training. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope. But I did, I was so happy, it was bloody hard, I was tired, I questioned if I'd done the right thing, I still loved him and wanted to help him recover. Ultimately I questioned what was best for my girls, and I knew....

I was single for 7 years, didn't get involved with anybody, I now have a 18 month old with somebody else, and I find myself wanting to leave him. He's not an alcoholic, not abusive, far from it.... I'm just used to doing my own thing.... Not answering to anybody and I'm finding it bloody hard to accommodate him and his ways. I'm not sure what to do. I know one thing though, I can and all of you can do it alone if you want to!!!! You just need to make the decision. The rest is easy in comparison, it's the indecisiveness that's the hardest part. I hope your all ok.