How do I leave my husband? Practical advice please

[movingon]

After much soul searching I have decided that it would be best if my husband and I went our seperate ways. I know he will be very much against the idea but I am banging my head against a brick wall here. Thing is I don't know how to actually do it. We live in a rural area and I have no family support and only a few friends. I gave up my career before it started to raise our three kids now 2.5, 6 and 7.5 so I have been totally dependent on him.

I want them to stay in the same school so I need to stay local but I have no income of my own. I know he will refuse to go so I will need to do the leaving if I want it to happen. I know I probably have more rights but I just want it to happen and this is the best way. How do I go from having no income and married to claiming benefits as a single mum? How do I move somewhere new - what happens with deposit, rent etc? I really don't know where to start.

I was planning to start a 3 year degree course in 18 months when my youngest starts school. Maybe I would be better to start now but I'm not sure how I will cope. If I move from here I move from my friends too. But I can't carry on like this. I'm just dreading how he is going to react to it all. My friend has a terrible time with her ex and I know that my husband will be just as bad if not worse if I announce I really am going. What shall I do? I am terrified of all I will be giving up. We have a near perfect life here. Its a fantastic place. But I can never live up to his exactling standards and I am sick of being made to feel bad about myself. I know it will be hard but surely in the long run I will feel better about myself.

(I've changed my username just in case)

[WMDinthekitchen]

I was too quick to end my marriage. I was miserable within it but the children love their father and were devastated. They have never forgiven me (and we split up 12 years ago). Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I tried repeatedly and for years to get my ex to co-operate with me to make our marriage work but he would do nothing. I wish now I had at least tried to go back to work and developed some interests outside the home - even in a very part-time job at any level. Hobbies need not cost a lot of money.

In effect I think we could have lived reasonably amicably as long as I lay back and thought of England, involved myself in work and did some sport and evening classes. Instead of that my actions in ending the marriage resulted in a devastating period involving lawyers and the family court. My children have never forgiven me for wanting to end the marriage - I could not have forseen what he said to them after I announced my intentions or what he did.

My views may seem extreme and anti women but I feel now that I was selfish and put myself first, rather than the children. It is simple to say that children are better off out of a home where parents are not getting on (and again I must stress that any kind of abuse cannot ever be tolerated) - sometimes they may be better off in a home with both parents at least one of whom works to better the situation for him or herself, even if the other carries on regardless. If you are little more than a domestic slave and someone to have sex with and your P or H simply will not even discuss the matter then you may have no option other than to leave or to be completely ground down and I am certainly not advocating the latter for anyone.

Just food for thought. If your own situation is intolerable to you and you cannot go on with it then get advice before you do anything else and certainly before you tell your P or H - from a lawyer, from CAB, from websites such as Moneysavingexpert.com (there's a benefits calculator), Shelter (for housing advice) etc.

Now I am contemplating living on my own when my youngest goes to university. I do not want a live-in man although am happy with a living apart together arrangement. I have the company of a guy when I want it, sex when I feel like it and the chance to do my own thing as well. Fair enough, I am too old to have any more children and others have that possibility and thus that pressure.

Situations are not always yin and yang or acid and alkaline, look for the areas in between.

[1950swoman]

I found this thread by googling 'how do I leave my husband'. It's such a relief, but so sad, to see so many other unhappy marriages. We've been together for 27 years and our twins are now at university. He has gone from strength to strength, he used to be awkward, socially ill at ease, troubled at work. Now he has a full time job in consultancy that he loves, a hobby he is successful in, he writes books. I feel he is surrounded by people while I feel like a shadow. I stupidly gave up my career, wallied around doing pathetic part time admin jobs while the children were growing so I could be there for them. We have always argued about everything and we have nearly split up many times but I always knew he would fight tooth and nail for the children and I have no family and few friends and so I could never walk away and wouldn't leave my children anyway. He says he loves me but sometimes I feel like our marriage is a Fatal Attraction type thing. He does everything which might sound wonderful but it isn't. Now that he largely works from home, unless I fight for it, he does the shopping, cooking, driving, dog walking, child caring/relationships, finance, I am always saying he doesn't need me other than as a cardboard cutout wife. On the other hand, he never does anything us-related - all outings, holidays, fun things are thought up and organised by me. There are no romantic gestures, no flowers, chocolates, barely birthday presents and those are things he wrongly imagines I might like because he has no idea what I actually do like. I think I've come to hate him but I just don't know how to leave. I don't have a job (I teach a few hours tai chi a week), my cv is a mess, I am old in a world of young, unemployed people. He is presently organising his glorious 60th birthday party, full of wonderful people. It's come to a head because he just invited a neighbour, someone I hate, a man who is openly rude and dismissive to me, a intellectual bigot, an egotist, deeply unpleasant. I feel that if he can't even take my feelings into account on this, won't even defend me against this man (and this is not the first time such a thing has happened, in his world of ideas and words, he has played with the image of himself as Judas!), then what is the point. I realise that I feel quite desperate, I just don't know what to do.

[HepHep]

1950swoman, if you start your own thread rather than resurrecting an old one, you will get tons more responses. Sadly it's a common dilemma, so do post a new topic and you will get loads of help and advice :)

(psst - if you add paragraphs to space out your block of text, thus making it a tad easier to read, you will also get more responses from folk :) )

[fiventhree]

1950swoman, do you see yourself here this time next year, or three years down the line?

It doesnt sound good.

You choices, it seems to me, are

• to leave and throw yourself in at the deep end
  

• go for indiviudual counselling and think thorugh how to change your own life whilst thinking about the relationship later, or
  

• couple counselling, to air all this, and see if there is a solution.
  

In terms of 'being allowed' to do normal things eg shopping, tell him not to be a controlling arse and go anyway. He gets his own way only because you complain at him but let him do it anyway. This never works. It came up at counselling for me. And they only call you critical or controlling yourself whilst continuing to do it.

The people who 'do' have more control than the people who 'ask/argue for'.

Just make change happen, in one way or another, and stop negotiating. Or negotiate with a counsellor present.

You will be amazed how much he is capable of change, if you change yourself.

Mine certainly did, when this penny finally dropped with me after 22 years.

[Selba]

Blimey, this is plain weird. Resurrection of an ancient thread with gibberish

[ariadneoliver]

Selba Karen was recommending the services of a particular witch doctor. I reported it as spam.

[Selba]

Yes, I thought that might be our first MN witch doctor! I looked up the website ( yes, too much time on my hands ) . Utterly bonkers

[stacey282012]

I am wanting to leave my husband and cannot get the courage to do so. We have been together for 3 years and only married just over a year (not long). We have a son together who is 9 months old, not that my husband really cares if hes there or not he says he does but doesn't show it. He will get in from work and see him for 10 minutes and them give him back to me. He never feeds him, changes one nappy a day, never goes anywhere with him just one on one, never gets him dressed, outs him to sleep, bath him. he basically does nothing with him I am like a single mum and he is just happens to be here.

He also treats me like I am his mum too as well as my sons. I always keep the house clean and tidy, understandably he works so I should clean, but he will come in and leave stuff everywhere, he leaves the garden a mess too. he left me to pull down a shed on my own while he sat in texting on his phone! I cant live the life of having 2 children when I only have one.

I also caught him texting another woman and calling each other babe and kisses to each other. he also talked to her about me having sex with him. he also hid the fact that he smoked from me for about a year. he constantly lies to me about stupid stuff and I just cant live this life anymore.

I have said to him about marriage counselling and he says no he cant be bothered, then I said go or I leave and he said well im not going so if he is not willing to make an effort why should I. He also makes hints about my weight which is really hurtful. I have talked to him about everything and the way I am feeling countless times he just wont listen or care.

I would like to stay in my house because the lease is in my name and its my sons home. but I said to him once before to leave and he wouldn't go because he said im the one wanting to leave he will make it really hard for me. I don't know what to do. I really loved my husband when we got together and when we got married but I don't know if I do anymore as he has give up. I think he wont leave as he has another child with another woman and is scared of what his parents will say as that will be 2 failed relationships. we are young and all my friends and family think he only married me because it looked good in court for getting some days with his other child. but I got married for love.

I don't know what to do it feels like Im stuck here.

[TimidLivid]

Stacey make a new thread of your own with this and u will get more replies. I think if its just your name on the lease you can make him leave especially if you divorced. Others with experience can advise if you make ur own thread. Sorry u are in this situation

[stacey282012]

ok. thank you

[stacy100]

I am a newbie, I have been married for 5 years to my husband who is 19 years older than me!! I am not been happy for 3 years at least, i have a 16 year old son from a previous relationship and he is my life.
He doesn't really like his step dad much as he is moaned at by him on a regular basis about stupid things that don't matter! My problem is my husband prefers his beer and sport, we don't go out or socialize and we may go for a meal once every 6 months! He doesn't help with housework,gardening,decorating or dog walking, i do it all. I only get to have a conversation with him in the morning for 15 mins before work other times he's drunk and aggressive! He made me have 2 jobs to his one so i wouldn't be home as much for my son which i have now figured out! my son lives in his room as he hasn't anywhere else to sit and i hate my husband but can't leave as guess what? he controls the money.

[chipmonkey]

Stacy, you would be better starting your own thread as this one is years old ( And I initially thought you and the other stacy were the same person!)
If you scroll up, just under the thread title of this thread you can click to start a new thread.

[Wendy1982]

Hi I've come across this and sat and read every one !
I'm 30 with 3 boys 9,7 and 1 all hard work. But love them so much.
I've been with my husband for 14 years I was 16 he was 18 when we met.
I just don't think I'm IN Love with him anymore ? I love him but I don't feel it enough for me.
Reading all the posts makes me feel like a total bitch cause my husband is a great person ! He works really hard In a job he hates he coaches our eldest sons football team and runs his own adult football team which we used to argue about all the time because he spends so much time and effort on it. It takes up Sunday mornings every week threw to 2 in the afternoon !
He spends sooooo much time on his phone talking texting organising football ! Now I've just given up caring !

I' used to work as a supervisor in debenhams which I loved even if it was a crap job. But I haven't worked properly since for eldest started school about 6 years ago.
I know a lot of you won't agree or may hate me for it but I worked as a lap dancer for 5 years. It had it good and bad bits but mainly I loved the attention and the money that came with it. But gave up as my husband wanted another child which I wasn't keen on. But gave in thinking it would be good for us. I think the dancing filled a gap I was craving attention flirting acting single ! Now I'm a bored stuck at home housewife feeling depressed. I was thinking I could go back to dancing but it's just papering over the cracks and will be in the same position 5 years.
I get on with all his family he gets on with mine to the outside world we are the perfect couple.
I know he will be totally devastated if I tell him I don't love him anymore and will try and make me work threw it with him.
But how can I spend the rest of life with someone I don't want to be with ?

[Katkit77]

what a sad thread. im in pretty much the same situation. gave up career for kids, now trapped b/c hes the earner. reading all these has inspired me to ask him to go to relate though...you never know...could be a happy ending! love to all x

[Jayde38]

I too am in this situation. Things are very difficult at home. I do work but cannot afford a place on my own. The local rents alone are 3/4 of my take home pay. He, of course, refuses to leave. The local council said I should move into a local hostel but they charge £250 per week. If I could afford that I'd be renting.

I went to a local charity for help. Their idea of help was to send Social Services, The Police and Mental Health to my house. This of course sent my husband into a rage and I got a savage beating. I'm still stuck here with no hope of escape!

However, I have decided to turn this negative into a positive. I would like to open my own hostel. One which is affordable and provides practical support. Can anyone provide any advice?

[Clargo55]

Jayde, have you tried speaking to women's aid?

You cannot stay there of he is hurting you are there children witnessing his abuse?

You are worth more.

[bumpers]

Haven't read the whole thread yet but think I need to, so marking place to pop back later. Can't cope much longer with life at home.

[Clargo55]

If you need any support feel free to PM me bumpers x

Also lots of great support on here if you wanted to start your own thread.

[Taz123]

Hi all, just came across this discussion and feel I have to say something. I have been married for 13 years. Have been living together for 17 yrs and have known each other since I was 8 yrs old! We have 3 children and I am very close to his family. I want to leave but cannot see any possible way because of the emotional and family dynamics.
Finances are not a problem as I am the sole bread winner and have a good job. My husband has never worked and just gets money occasionally through farming etc. I cannot see how I can leave him, so I just carry on with the children and having no real company. My husband is not a bad person. It's just that our relationship is flat. He is not interested in me or the children, so what's the point. I carry on like a single mother always doing stuff with the kids. He goes out with his mates. I do not want to grow old and lonely. I want so done who wants to do things with me and who smiles at me.
I am very miserable but am not brave enough to make the break.