How do I leave my husband? Practical advice please

[movingon]

After much soul searching I have decided that it would be best if my husband and I went our seperate ways. I know he will be very much against the idea but I am banging my head against a brick wall here. Thing is I don't know how to actually do it. We live in a rural area and I have no family support and only a few friends. I gave up my career before it started to raise our three kids now 2.5, 6 and 7.5 so I have been totally dependent on him.

I want them to stay in the same school so I need to stay local but I have no income of my own. I know he will refuse to go so I will need to do the leaving if I want it to happen. I know I probably have more rights but I just want it to happen and this is the best way. How do I go from having no income and married to claiming benefits as a single mum? How do I move somewhere new - what happens with deposit, rent etc? I really don't know where to start.

I was planning to start a 3 year degree course in 18 months when my youngest starts school. Maybe I would be better to start now but I'm not sure how I will cope. If I move from here I move from my friends too. But I can't carry on like this. I'm just dreading how he is going to react to it all. My friend has a terrible time with her ex and I know that my husband will be just as bad if not worse if I announce I really am going. What shall I do? I am terrified of all I will be giving up. We have a near perfect life here. Its a fantastic place. But I can never live up to his exactling standards and I am sick of being made to feel bad about myself. I know it will be hard but surely in the long run I will feel better about myself.

(I've changed my username just in case)

I could have written your post two years ago.

I was very settled and happy in the area, but very unhappy with the children's Dad. I knew the relationship was dead, but I'd let myself be backed into a corner where I wasn't earning any more, and I had no rights at all as we weren't married.

I mulled it all over in my head miserably for ages before I actually left. Some days I was happy. Some days I thought I could go on, because I was basically a glass half full sort of person, and I had good friends.

But eventually I realised I couldn't do it. I couldn't revolve my life around 'an area'. So, I had to take my dc1 out of school. Luckily he was only in reception, but it was a good school.

I realised that I could sit down with a calculator and to the maths as many times as I liked, but I would never be able to earn enough and pay childcare for two. So, I moved back in with my parents.

Not every girl's dream. But I'm a lot happier. I feel a lot lighter. I feel like things are getting better. I'm saving money, I'm going to start a course soon. (my x would never really have given his whole-hearted support to my re-training) but my parents will.

If I ever meet somebody, living with my parents could be problematic, but in 18 months I've saved 18k. I could never, ever have done that if I weren't living with my parents. For now, the way I feel, man shman, I want to save. WHen I have more financial security I can even begin to think about that side of my life.

My children settled really quickly. My dc1 has loads of new friends. The friends in old area have been almost forgotten, perhaps that's a little sad. But DON@T stay with a man you're not happy with because you like the area. That's what I almost did.

I will have my own place one day. I will get so much joy from it when that day comes. And now, because I'm living with my parents and have their support it is not an impossible pipe dream. I'd rather save for the future than have privacy right now. That's not to say that it's not hard and we do fall out from time to time. But I'd rather this occassional claustrophia than the drudgery of operating at a financial loss every month.

gl.

In answer to the last two posts
I can;t be sure he and his wife are not leading seperate lives but I do believe him just as I could have been lying to him that I am leading a seperate life to my husband but then he believes me too and yes I have been honest with him.
I am not staying in the area because I like it, although I obviously do and if he is happy to move which he has said he is then at least my children are near their dad and do not have the added pressure of moving schools, I know children adapt easy and sometimes needs must, I will just consider myself lucky if it does work out with my new partner and the children don;t have to move schools or meet new friends.
My concern is still the same as before though and that is would I be intentionally making myself homeless if I intend to start a new life with a new partner and it does not work??
Jo xx

THe issue about becoming "intentionally homeless" is not relevant for whether you are entitled to benefits, but is relevant if you are trying to show that your local authority has a duty to house you because you have become homeless. If you are living on your own with your children then you may be entitled to local housing allowance and council tax benefit depending on your income and capital.

I live in Army accommodation and my husband has says he flatly refuses to move out and won't give me any money to live anywhere else. I am a recovering alcoholic and was doing so well for 8 months but I truly feel that I have to go before I start drinking heavily again. He drinks heavily, in front of me and won't come out with me to anything. My children are all in their 20s although one lives at home. I am fine if she is in the house but when the two of us are on our own and he starts drinking I feel I'm going mad. I think that I will only get totally healthy and happy if I go.

When did you last have a holiday. By yourself?

Do you have any relatives left alive that you can stay with for a month?

It is not writ in stone that the man shall work and the woman shall stay home, clean, cook and look after the children.

What have you tried to get him to stop nagging? How would he react if you dumped him with looking after the children for a month? Would he cope, or would he be begging you to return, on any terms you name?

ive been wanting to leave my husband for a couple of months but im scared too as we have 3kids and i work mornings.ive mentioned it to him before and he says he will change and be more of a husband to me.i just don't feel the same love for him when we got married and its not right being in a relationship that doesnt work properly.i love the house were living in and the job im in but also am worried that he might do something silly and try to take the kids away from me.please i need some advice!!

SamandChloe I'm really sorry I don't have any advice but know where you're coming from...My relationship with dh doesn't work properly at all, it's so damaged, mainly due to him.

I frequently tell him he should leave, I want a divorce, etc but he won't. The only reason is the kids. He acts like butter wouldn't melt around them (and anyone else) but treats me so cruelly and carelessly.

It's not so easy for me to leave. I have no family close by and I work from home as a CM so i have to be here for work. There's also school etc. DD was a little terror when she was younger but is doing so well at her school.

Does anyone have any practical advice re. getting dh (or not so dh!) out of the house?

what a sad thread.

I would love to know what happened to some of the people who posted about their difficult situations going right back to almost 4 years ago when this thread started

am in same psotion...husband makes me feel like personal assistant...do all his bookeeping, housework cooking etc and never get any thanks. never get any housekeeping,have to filter it out of his money without him noticing. this is difficult as he keeps all his money in a safe. how do you leave someone when you have no money to support your kids...no answer.(angry)

bubble1 expecting you to do all the household chores whilst withholding money for housekeeping is definately a form of domestic abuse. He is keeping you under financial control.

I have been reading for hours now on here, looking for the best advice to leave my husband. I have found many that are very simular to my live. But im still very unsure on how?? to do this, i have been married 8+ yrs. i have an 5&8 yr.old,i am sooo unhappy!!! I have no one to lean on,and no money. i havent worked in 5yrs. And 3yrs. ago i was diag. w/a difficult cond. I want to work but can't,at times my cond. keeps me in bed for days on end. Who would hired someone when they cant depend on them?! Iam starting to see my kids being effected more &more by what my hus. does. I am scared!!! on how we are going to survive!When we leave or boot him out, i feel lost!! my kids have seen their mother go thru way more pain then any child should see. and i hate it!!!! But i dont know how to do this.My hus. is a selfish,mean,cruel,thing i cant even call a person. There is no humanity in this mans body!!!!! i am leaving him! i just need a little insite on how to get started, where do i start?? I just want to be able to wake up knowing my kids and i are going to be just fine.

Gosh, that does sound awful. May I suggest as a starting point that you contact your local Citizens Advice? They are generally very good on divorce/separation issues and will know all sorts of useful stuff about benefits. They can also recommend local solicitors who do legal aid.

Hello, I saw this and had to try and help!
there is a web site www.turn2us.entitledto.co.uk/ this link will put you on to a benefit calculater and once you've put in all your details it will tell you roughly what you are entitled to. I was very relieved when i did it as realised that i would not be stuck in a situation i could not get out of due to finance! im not sure about being rehoused by the council but this same web site will give you a link during the calculation to another site which tells you what you are entitled to if you have to leave a partner/husband and rent privately (all areas are different amounts (for instance my rent allowance would be £234 weekly) on average it looks to me that a woman with 2 children under 16 would be entitled to roughly £400 weekly in benefits. for anyone staying because they think they cannot afford to go please try this! its amazing the feeling that comes over you when you realise you have options! oh and all the benefit entitlments they give you are not effected by what maintenence you husband may have to pay you.once you've done this go to the home page and there is a section for what to do if you have to leave your partner. I really hope this helps someone best of luck ladies.

I need to know how i start to make plans about leaving my husband. He is a very bad gambler, and drinker. He is only 34, and acts like an older man. He has took out secret credit cards and loans to pay for debts in the past. I took control and took all of his cards and bank details off him, but he has his own business and deals with money all the time, so manages to get it somehow. I found a betting slip last week that had a £100 pound bet on it from when he hadnt come home from work, when he had sworn on my life and my 3 little boys life that he had not been near a bookies. I had a hysterectomy 8 weeks ago, which i am fine and recovered well, but he only helped for the first week then stopped helping after that..he didnt even have one day off work..not even a sunday.
He has been on and on at me for sex, which i gave in once after a few drinks, but was in agony for a few days afterwards..but he doesnt care..just wants it again. Our children dont have respect for him as he comes home drunk everynight, and neither do I. I cant take anymore of it, and dont know where to start. He wont leave, and i couldnt afford to live here, we have lots and lots of debts and arrears. I dont work at the moment, i did have a job in the evening, but my husband used to come home late drunk, and i would feel at my wits end worrying about the 3 children and i ended up getting severe migraines at work daily..so took 8 paracetamol a day for a month..then got liver failure and jaundice. So had to leave. I am going to start a college course in sept to start my own buisness. I would just like to know what i do first? we have also been to gamblers help and stuff....didnt work.

Bestformyboys,

I didn't want o just read and run, especially after seeing your post about how your husband is treating you.

It is glaringly obvious that the man has no respect for anything other than the things he is addicted to and that you really do need to get out. I mean what kind of class A wanker lets you rest up for a week before going back to normal after his wife has had a hysterectomy? It takes at least 8 weeks to be back to a state where you can care about housework and day to day things properly.

The first thing I think you should do is call Women's Aid because they give great advice about all the things you can do to leave as well as go over possible problems that may arise.

I would also go and speak to your local council when you get a chance and see what help, if any, they can provide. It may mean that you end up in a B&B for a while or a one bedroom flat, but that has got to be better than trying to recover from a hysterectomy and liver failure while having to deal with an addict at the same time.

I'm sorry I can't give you any better advice than that, but I'm sure someone will be along shortly to help.

I have decided I need to leave my husband, we have been together 12 years and have 5 children, he doesnt work and his a alcoholic but has most of the money we get for the kids but provides for nothing. Im in council property in my name but he will not leave, the only way this is going to happen is if I leave. Does anybody know if i will get help with a bond/deposit?

I think you need to start a new thread this one is 4 years old now.

Something like "husband won't leave council property in my name, what do I do?"

If the council property is in your name I would think he Has to leave if that is what you want. I would contact your council for advice

I have been married for 20 years and have children so know were you are all coming from as it were.

I find these things really useful:

1. accept that we are ALL Numpties - we are all crap in our own way.
   This means that our partners are also sometimes really stupid and annoying too.
   The next partner will also be crap and annoying too.
   If you still want to move on knowing this, then you should.

2. remember that NOT doing something is also making a choice - sounds obvious but it took me years to get it!

3. get legal advice BEFORE telling your partner you are leaving - when you are leaving a partner you will often try to get out of it without 'making a fuss' or 'being mean', but later on you might wish you had been.
   My mother was advised to leave the marital home to keep things pleasant & nearly ended up homeless with 3 young children.
   In the end she dug her heels in & stayed in the home, which was all that kept her and us from destitution.

Ive read all the above posts.
Im actually divorced, but Im still with my other half, we have 2 young children and I cant seem to leave him, I want to, but he doesnt want me to leave and so its really hard to do so. I work full time, I earn all the money and I pay for absolutely everything. He also works full time but contributes barely anything, he is on a much lower wage but he works for himself so im never really sure what he earns and he always just says he hasnt got any money, all the time. Hence we never go out and nothing romantic ever happens or holidays or meals etc unless I pay for it. I really really want someone to look after me, I dont just mean financially, but Im very tired all the time, working and with 2 children waking through the night and having all the responsibility financial and otherwise l feel like i run the household etc. The only way out I feel is if I met someone else, but then I dont know how to meet someone else when I am living with my ex as I feel obliged to be faithful, plus I dont have any opportunity to get out as I am always with the children at night. We live in a rurual location and I have no support from my family. If I ask him to leave my house he says he will take the children off me and I dont have the energy to fight him emotionally as well as hold the fort in terms of having the children, the bills, working full time etc. I am no entitled to any benefits as i have worked hard and earn above the threshold but I am up to the eyeballs in mortgage and bills as ive had to do it all by myself so I cant stop working or switch off the responsibility. He gets to just move back home and have full access to the children as his parents mind the children whilst we work, so he is in a stronger position to have the children and he will make it really hard so that i would only get to see them maybe every other weekend, and he wont pay anything in child maintenance as he is self employed and under the threshold (have tried going through CSA when we divorced and i couldnt get a penny out of him). I cant afford to pay the childcare for both children on top of all my bills (as they would no longer go to his parents if we split as he would make it hard for me by saying i have to pay for all childcare and he wont pay anything etc). I feel totally trapped and i keep weeping for no reason. I just wish i could meet someone else but ive lost all sense of feeling attractive as have been in a dead relationship for 7years with no sexual intimacy, and i dont want to start a new relationship being dishonest by being in a relationship with my ex. Help. Any ideas, thoughts or advice?? thanks

freshstart1 contact companies house, have a look at their website you can pay a small fee and have a look at company accounts (of earnings declared) - see how much he is declaring. hes basically living the life of riley isnt he!!! if he isnt able to contribute to the bills then his business has to fold. you need to start saving so you have an exit plan (or just for yourself). tell him youre no longer able to pay all the bills and that you want to spend more time with the children, say 3 or 4 day week. just say that to get him thinking that he has to start being a bit of a privider. did you say the property is yours? i can see what you mean about the childcare, you must stop and change your lifestyle, you cant be ruled by this selfishness

bear in mind the accounts only represent what he has declared, and they dont have to be submitted annually but they may reveal something

alos, why isnt he paying you rent if you are divorced???? it really doesnt make sense for him to have all this financial freedom?? and his parents accept you are slaving away like this?

i am desperate to leave my husband. I have no family and NOW no job or money. i have no idea where to start. :-( there is no talking to him at all and there is no way he will leave, not because he loves me but because he is digging his heels in over house(rented in his name). my child is not his. i have no child care or support network and am just stuck here. i am so unhappy but there seems no way out. i know this just seems whiney but i really need some practical advice. how do i get out????

Hi Yanyans
I'm currently in a bit of a situation. Have mortgage with Hubby and his mother lives here too. I'm supporting them both financially. My few family members are not nearby. MIL is raising my children whilst I work!! Hubby showed no interest in me and has never shared a bed with me. He sits on the sofa with his mum watching tv till he falls asleep.
So, I'm leaving. It's not been easy to get to the point I'm at (moving into rented shortly) I have not managed to get help from anywhere!!! Citizens advice were no help. I have to sort out childcare and a school, cut my hours at work, privately rent a home, obtain tax credits and housing benefit. It's hard and it's not done yet. I've been very ill through the stress but I know it'll be very worth it in the end.
You need to try hard to get information and do try your local CAB for advice, you may have better luck.
Write a list of what needs to happen in order for you to get out and go from there.
Good luck