Can anyone help me with this ???

[recall]

This morning, after a long half term with a 5, 3 and 2 year old, my husband went for a run from 08.30 until 12.00. Shortly after his return, he decided to mow the lawn on the sit on mower. He took the children out with him, but due to the cold, they came in after 10 minutes. He finished this at 13.00.

Throughout the morning, I was left to mind the children.

I commented that I had done a 4 1/2 hour stint with the children, and he said " but you have had a nice time with them."

Just as he was coming to bed, I tried to calmly explain that during the 4 1/2 hours, I wasn't particularly having a nice time, I was trapped in the kitchen/lounge where the children were playing, and was constantly tending to their needs. He became defensive and asked me why I didn't enjoy spending time with my children, he said I was being strange lately, and it was a shame that I clearly didn't want to spend time with our children.

I just can...not....discuss these issues with him without it going wrong from my perspective. We have an argument/heated discussion and I come away feeling all wrong. He seems to manage to orchestrate these discussions somehow. Our perspectives are so different on the same events.

How am I supposed to deal with it. I am rubbish at arguing my point. I always end up in the wrong, it is so confusing.

I don't know how to represent myself in these discussions...I can't do it...it goes wrong.

Any advice ?

No advice I'm afraid, as I know exactly how u feel.

i wish I could hire a barrister to represent me and put my case forward

Arrange something for next Saturday that will necessitate you being out of the house from 8.30am-1pm and ask him to have lunch ready for your return.

Tell him you also need a bit of a break, so next Saturday, you are going shopping, for a massage and a haircut and will be out from 9 until 1.

Does he usually do more with the kids?
Is it a one-off or is this following a pattern?

I am not a runner but running for 3 and half hours seems excessive! Is he Mo Farrah?
Do you work/Does he?
Just because you "enjoy" being with the kids doesn't mean you deserve no relief. Its not a punishment!

He sounds very manipulative and not very nice if everytime he has to win the argument. That's tiring. He doesn't sound like he has much respect for your feelings.

How long have you been married?

Stop letting him derail you!

Stick to your point. Of course you love the kids, but you're only human and you need a break! Repeat until it sinks in.

Is he normally good at taking his turn?

Work out your case before you say anything and STICK to it. Don't let him twist things and confuse you, just keep going back to the point you are trying to make.

So, in this case - 'I love our children dearly, and value their company, but if I do not get any time off I shall turn into a raving lunatic and you will be left alone to deal with the children 24/7 while I check myself into the nearest sanatorium, darling.'

well, I usually work at weekends, and it is the whole weekend, so i leave Friday evening, and return in the early hours of Monday morning...

I do sometimes end up sat on my laptop while the children play, but I can't be Mary Poppins all of the time. I took them out several times during half term, and took the eldest swimming. After days and days of constantly looking after them, my enthusiasm does go, and I end up fire fighting, but their needs are met, and they actually have a Beano playing together, making dens etc.

My husband looks after them most weekends, but its different than during the week with various school runs/ playgroup deadlines to meet.

He thinks that he works all week, then he looks after the children all weekend. I think I look after the children all week, and then work ( very hard ) all weekend.

He does the minimum, no baths, stay at home. He takes them for walks from home, but doesn't go out anywhere in the car.

I am just knackered, and I was thinking today, there is very little part of each day that I really enjoy

Was once married to one of these. Genuinely thought I was a total waste of space as a parent as I seemed to always get the wrong end of the stick and as my husband kindly pointed out, he couldn't resolve these issues as they werent a problem for him they were only a problem for me - ergo I must deal with it. Eventually I argued my point more and more forcefully which forced him into a corner where upon he told me the children were not his responsibility but he would help me when he could. (its amazing how you get to the truth when they are under pressure).

When we eventually separated I soon discovered he couldnt manage having sole responsibility for his children for one weekend a fortnight without losing his temper, shouting and often palming them off on his mother or other family member. And this was the man who told me 'I dont know what you're problem is, I dont find looking after the children stressful at all' - yeah right thats cos you weren't ever doing it without back up, aka me.

Do as the others suggest and take yourself off nice and early before he can get up and claim the freetime for himself. This takes planning but will soon put pressure on his game. However he may well outmanoeuver you the following weekend so be prepared to stay ahead of him but above all make sure he doesnt play you as the nutty one with his calm reasonable demeanour whilst doing exactly what he wants.

3 1/2 hours as marathon prep might be normal. Mowing needs to be done.

However childcare is a need to be done task and running is a hobby

I'd say cheerily that being with the kids is ace which is why you are going to give him the same opportunity

Book yourself into a spa, go shopping, go to a friends, walk, visit national trust property.... But leave him alone with them

Then sit down and talk about how being together is an important part of a relationship and how the balance of individual time and task time has stopped together time.

He earns £30,000

I earn £19,000

I earn mine in about 6 days of work a month, I am self employed

He works office hours, from home mostly. He says he is flex time, but seems very restricted when it comes to helping with school runs. He does some, but on his terms always. What pisses me off, is that I have to do the childcare, but he can dip in and out as it suits him.....it seems.

I think you need to talk to him about how you agree how time is spent at the weekend. So DH and I tend to discuss what needs doing and what we want to do. We then work out how we achieve this.

So if your DH is going for a 3.5hour run did he just run out the door? Did he let you know what he was doing? Talk to you about it at all? Or did he just assume you'd look after the kids?

His argument is that looking after the children is fun and easy. Even if it were you've been doing it all week and would no doubt have appreciated either a break or at least help.

He was defensive because he knows he was unfair on you.

X posted and tbh from the last post I think your issue is less about him not doing his fair share and more about the two of you not getting time together. That is a priority for your relationship... Work at it for your DC.

It sounds like you both are either at work or in sole charge of the kids, which is tiring for each of you.

Next time ther is a break from the normal routine, plan ahead. If he wants to go out, fine, but then have some time for yourself. Also, how often do you get time for the two of you together? Can you get an evening out?

And if he doesn't do much with them at the weekend, talk to him abut swimming classes or something. Although, at their ages, do they need to be going out that much at the weekend? If they're active and happy isn't thatOK?

Unless, of course, you've tried all this and he isn't willing to listen to ant of it. In which case, you have serious problems.

X post.

Anomaly is right.

Somehow though, I don't think that reasonable discussion is going to ring the changes. I am going to guess the OP has broached this with him before, and got either an unfavourable response, or a meaningless one in which he agreed things could be better, yet nothing actually changed.

I totally agree that he is defensive because he knows he's being unfair.

middleeasternpromise I have mental health problems, mainly anxiety, and I suspect ADD ( awaiting diagnosis) and he does make out he is the calm competent one, and I am acting strange/weird again. Often in arguments, the argument becomes about me shouting/swearing/attacking him, and not the original subject. I feel manipulated often, he can out do me so easily in arguments, i get tied up in knots.

He says that everyone has to tiptoe around me and make sure i am happy, and that everything he does is in order to try and make me happy. He even said that the running is for me because I said he was putting weight on (nicely...concerned...not critical )

cabbageleaves He is alone with them most weekends, and in all fairness is supportive of me going for spa evenings....well i went to one a few weeks ago.
He runs 2 or three nights a week.....I end up bathing the 3 of them on those nights. he will do a big run on Saturdays on my rare weekends off, because they go a lot further, he is in a running club.

He will come down at 5.15 and takes over so I can have a rest, but most evenings he is off again at 6 until around 7.30 8 pm.

pictish YES !!! we have many meaningful discussions, and clear the air and get all happy and upbeat again, but nothing changes. Have been doing this for 18 years now

When I do get some down time, I find it a bit depressing because in order to have a rest, I need to leave the living area, which is the adjoining lounge and kitchen. So I go upstairs into the bedroom and end up getting into bed with my laptop, and then I end up going to sleep.....not very nice really, I don't know where else to go to relax. It feels like my day is spent waiting to relax and do what i want which is to sit in my lounge and watch TV in peace. Its usually 8.30 - 9.30 before this happens, so it follows 14 hours of me not able to enjoy my day much.

You are all very kind and helpful helping me to work this out, thank you so much, I feel so confused, and don't know how to sort it on my own anymore.

I think even if he is restricted with his work hours you should be able to work out a routine when you have time to recover.
Blackmailing you with words - why I didn't enjoy spending time with my children, he said I was being strange lately, and it was a shame that I clearly didn't want to spend time with our children. he knows exactly how to kick you. He knows where it hurts and he doesn't give up!

This was an attack on a mother and any mother would feel guilty being accused like that.

I think the old saying - If you don't have anything nice to say - say nothing would be my answer to him

You are both effectively working 24/7. You both need some time off, I would say you have Fridays, he has Saturdays and you get childcare for that time.

If you think about it, if you were both working during the week that is what you would have to do.

I think this has become an issue partly because you are not clear about what you want or expect. Is it that you don't like spending the day looking after the children or is it that you resent the fact that he isn't doing this and having a rare old time running and mowing?

Bearing a grudge like that can be very disheartening. I expected more from my dp for years, then one day decided that nothing would ever change and I might as well enjoy the status quo, take the dcs out, do stuff with them, have the adventures, build the dens and share their lives fully. It was his loss. He dips in and out as yours does, it is all he can manage, or all he wants to manage. I am much happier and in charge of what we do, make the decisions about outings, get on and do stuff. No more waiting around for him to pull his finger out. Try your best to make it work for you.

happyavacado that is a good saying, but I sometimes call him a cunt, so I can't really use it. I think that if I wasn't absolutely broken and tired out, I would be able to up my game, and argue without shouting and loosing my temper, but I just can't focus on it. Its like there are rules of engagement...his rules, and if I slip up, I've lost, but when I'm fucked i can't help myself, he evokes an angry response from me, and then criticises me for being angry. How am I supposed to deal with that ???? I am not a game player, and it feels like I am up against a master, it is very confusing.

pollypandemonium I'm not sure what I want, that is a good question. I don't know, I just feel unhappy I feel like a worthless animal, the lowest of the low, a slave to be used. Its just a slog, day in, day out. I feel trapped, but I wanted a family, so I can't do anything to get out of the trap.

My children are great, I'm told by my Mum and friends that I am doing a good job, they are well behaved, healthy happy kids. The eldest seems to be thriving at school, I am so proud of her, and she is learning to swim now. But guess who takes her every week....me. I take them to the dentist, the doctor, I do parents evenings, I write in the reading books, I am the one who knows when they have to go to pre school dressed as a superhero, when i need to take cakes in for the cake sale.... you know....all the stuff.

I don't know what I want

How does he evoke an angry response from you? What sort of things might he do to compel you call him a cunt?

pollypandemonium I did that on Fridays, the younger two went to a nursery, but it was so expensive i couldn't carry on, i did it for a whole term.

I hope that you don't think I am being all negative about your suggestions, and just dismissing them, it might seem like I am, but it is my way of mulling it all over.