Can anyone help me with this ???

[recall]

This morning, after a long half term with a 5, 3 and 2 year old, my husband went for a run from 08.30 until 12.00. Shortly after his return, he decided to mow the lawn on the sit on mower. He took the children out with him, but due to the cold, they came in after 10 minutes. He finished this at 13.00.

Throughout the morning, I was left to mind the children.

I commented that I had done a 4 1/2 hour stint with the children, and he said " but you have had a nice time with them."

Just as he was coming to bed, I tried to calmly explain that during the 4 1/2 hours, I wasn't particularly having a nice time, I was trapped in the kitchen/lounge where the children were playing, and was constantly tending to their needs. He became defensive and asked me why I didn't enjoy spending time with my children, he said I was being strange lately, and it was a shame that I clearly didn't want to spend time with our children.

I just can...not....discuss these issues with him without it going wrong from my perspective. We have an argument/heated discussion and I come away feeling all wrong. He seems to manage to orchestrate these discussions somehow. Our perspectives are so different on the same events.

How am I supposed to deal with it. I am rubbish at arguing my point. I always end up in the wrong, it is so confusing.

I don't know how to represent myself in these discussions...I can't do it...it goes wrong.

Any advice ?

Yes, get help for the ADD. So many people think that it's a minor inconvenience, but it isn't. I teach and see how the right prescription can be helpful, and dd is ADHD so I know the difference it makes. When she has her meds sh sits quietly and does homework quickly and methodically. As they wear off, she can't even stay in her chair or remember basic times tables. Then she gets frantic and bursts into tears.

Your dh may want some support for this. It can be frustrating to live with someone who should be able to do things but just doesn't.

Get on some (reputable) websites and find some info. So that you are both informed.

That feeling of being overwhelmed and lost in the middle of it all is part of ADD (and other things, keep an open mind about the diagnosis).

And you both need to work out how to discuss problems without it being so traumatic. It really sounds like you could prob do with some couples counseling for this.

Don't forget, you are managing it all right now, even if emotionally you find it hard. Your home and kids are OK, but you need to feel more settled yourself.

Something I have done when I know DH and I are likely to argue but before we have actually started (known triggers for us are big purchases like cars) is to state calmly I don't want to argue. We then either discuss it properly or wait and talk later.

Do you think when you and your DH are likely to argue you could say something like 'I am cross and cannot think straight I would like chance to calm down and get my thoughts in order' that way you can have time to clear your mind and maybe even put pen to paper to put your issues down.

OP something you said about not being able to remember conversations rings a bell with me. Have you heard of "flooding"? When you have a conversation/argument and one of you reaches that point of distress when the brain shuts down. Your mind freezes and you get either angry or tearful and feel attacked. It used to happen to me a lot with my EA XH who is a very clever and manipulative man. He made me out to be abusive because I occasionally swore at him or hit him in these situations. But he was passive aggressive and used to provoke me into showing anger for him.
Funnily enough since we split up I havent had a moment of rage or confusion.

I'm a bit suspicious like Attila that he isnt quite as nice as he might be!

kickassangel yes, I am a member of a Forum, it does have an area for partners of people with ADD, and I have shown my DH this. He doesn't take the ADD seriously, nor do my family. A diagnosis will hopefully make them realise that I can't help it. When I read the symptoms of ADD I went all hot and cold...it was just me. firstly I was excited, then over the following months I felt quite sad that I have been struggling with this since my childhood. I read my school reports, and it is all in there. " Recall was doing very well in A level art until she lost her portfolio containing a year's course work"

Anomly good advice - sometimes, my DH has asked me why i am shouting. I tell him that he has said something that has made me angry and when I feel angry I want to shout

Lemondrizzle yes...flooding sounds about right, I am off to google this. My husband regularly causes me of being aggressive and verbally abusive....very clever, because all of this behaviour and confusion takes the attention away from the issue at hand and gives him time to gather himself.

Thanks everyone...very helpful. It helps to go over all this because next time there is an argument, I will be aware of what is happening, and have strategies in place to deal with it. It is like a familiar dance that we do, predictable, I would love to remain calm and change the steps.

It is interesting that following an argument, we almost fall one each other to get the apology in first, and my husband always says the same thing "I'm sorry that we argued." nice, but clever.