Can anyone help me with this ???

[recall]

This morning, after a long half term with a 5, 3 and 2 year old, my husband went for a run from 08.30 until 12.00. Shortly after his return, he decided to mow the lawn on the sit on mower. He took the children out with him, but due to the cold, they came in after 10 minutes. He finished this at 13.00.

Throughout the morning, I was left to mind the children.

I commented that I had done a 4 1/2 hour stint with the children, and he said " but you have had a nice time with them."

Just as he was coming to bed, I tried to calmly explain that during the 4 1/2 hours, I wasn't particularly having a nice time, I was trapped in the kitchen/lounge where the children were playing, and was constantly tending to their needs. He became defensive and asked me why I didn't enjoy spending time with my children, he said I was being strange lately, and it was a shame that I clearly didn't want to spend time with our children.

I just can...not....discuss these issues with him without it going wrong from my perspective. We have an argument/heated discussion and I come away feeling all wrong. He seems to manage to orchestrate these discussions somehow. Our perspectives are so different on the same events.

How am I supposed to deal with it. I am rubbish at arguing my point. I always end up in the wrong, it is so confusing.

I don't know how to represent myself in these discussions...I can't do it...it goes wrong.

Any advice ?

recall some comments are quite harsh here, please don't take them to heart. I think one issue here is that not everyone understands what it's like to be self-employed. I have been and found it was hard to get people to take it seriously as 'work' - DH, friends and family would assume that because I was at home during the day I was available for everything from waiting in for parcels to going out for coffee (I had no DC at that stage). Sometimes I was my own worst enemy because I would spend a chunk of the day doing laundry or other household things simply because I was at home. I ended up renting an office so that I could make a clearer distinction between home and work.

I think one of your problems may be making it look too easy! You have what sounds like a very productive and profitable business that fits in neatly with your DH's working hours, meaning minimal childcare expenses. I wonder if he's thought of it like that?

Btw I have a friend whose house came with a field and she and her DH positively fight over access to the ride on mower as they both find it so much fun, so I hear where you're coming from there (I also suspect my DH rather enjoys mowing the lawn as he often does it when it doesn't need doing).

Would it be worth considering going with your DH to Relate so you can talk over your work/life/childcare balance calmly with someone neutral? My DH and I have been a couple of times and it helped us a great deal.

phineyj I was thinking about relate, but frightened that it might mean we are going to split up...that sounds irrational I am going to google it now and see how it works....nervous.

"I think one of your problems may be making it look too easy! You have what sounds like a very productive and profitable business that fits in neatly with your DH's working hours, meaning minimal childcare expenses. I wonder if he's thought of it like that?"

Thank you so much for acknowledging this. I have built my business around the family, and not so much the expenses of childcare, but ensuring we get to spend maximum time with them during these precious early years. It makes me feel sane knowing that someone else can see this.

This is a possibly utterly impractical idea, and doesn't address the diffculties in communication, but have you thought about one of those shed offices at the bottom of the (huge) garden? That would delineate home/work and, as Phiney says, that fact you're working would be clearer.

My Mum regularly criticises me for working away most weekends, yet they placed me in full time childcare from the age of 18 months. I think it is nice for my children to be with either their Mum or Dad. The only reason that they go to pre school is that my daughter thrived there on many levels, and it eased her very nicely into the attached Primary School, I don't take them there to receive childcare, it is more for their development.

kalidanger good idea. We have planned today to start a huge de clutter with a view to making the dining room into an adult lounge so we have somewhere to go when we get down time. I will and try and use this room to do my work. The work tends to drip in throughout the week, and becomes more concentrated on Thursdays when I plan routes etc.

We haven't mentioned last night's conversation about me not wanting to spend time with the kids, shall I let that go now ? There is a nice optimistic atmosphere this morning regarding this de clutter....

And he has gone out to buy a Lamb joint that he plans to cook for us....he is brilliant cook

Maybe a nice relaxing Sunday argument after lunch? So he's going to spend all afternoon cooking up an amazing roast dinner.....while you do 100% of the DC wrangling? Again? Aren't you supposed to be working?

he prob thought he was helping you by mowing the lawn

next weekend get out early on the saturday and return around 2 - make this an alternate weekend arrangement, we do it, it works well. Youre only human, you need a break and a change of scenery regularly

just enjoy a roast dinner with him, relax for this afternoon and just enjoy your home and your family? Let today be a new day. Sometimes we have to move on

OP Don't listen to ifso. You're posting here for advice on change and improvement, not to forget about it until it kicks off again.

recall

Do you at heart think he is the root cause of your issues re anxiety?.

It sounds like he does the barest of minimums he can get away with. Also he may well be adept at tying you up in complete knots; manipulative men can do this tactic very well indeed.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He chose to mow the grass even though its too early in the year to start such a thing. He probably also knew that the children would not be out there with him for very long as it was too cold.

Recall, all I can say is that your perception of your relationship is making you feel unhappy. I don't think it is for anyone else to tell you whether DH is doing his fair share or not. You sound as if you are struggling at the moment.

Are you taking any meds for your anxiety? Can you have a chat with your GP and give some examples of situations and your reactions and feeling towards them?

I often need a break from looking after my children, as lovely as they are. DP gets on with practical jobs at the weekend but I need him to look after the children as well. Just as I do all the jobs in the house throughout the week in addition to looking after the children.

He now does this or at least discusses with me what he would like to get done and when is going to be the best time for him to do it.

I had to shout quite loudly (literally and metaphorically) before DP properly heard how much support I needed. We both have up outside activities and accepted we needed to cut some corners so that life is more manageable.

Recall,

I am struggling to see this from your perspective. He works harder than you and, net/net, you seem to have much more free time. He earns more than you, cooks for you and loves looking after the children. If they are a bit unkempt but happy, that sounds OK to me and he is interacting with them, not just watching TV or on the internet while they play.

What do you actually want? Do you want him to have no free time at all?

FWIW, I find looking after the children during the week, when things are structured, far easier than when I have them for long unstructured periods. If you are struggling because of personal issues, are you sure it is fair to expect your husband to step into the breach and do far more than you (which seems to be what you are implying)?

I think the solution to your problem should lie in trying to value what your husband contributes more and for both of you to try and create a little more free time for yourselves.

kalidanger he is cooking and fielding the children whilst I do this big de clutter.

ifso how could he possibly think he was helping me mowing the lawn....in February...that didn't need mowing ?

Atilla I have always suffered with anxiety, I think it gets on his tits a bit when I become anxious regarding irrational fears, I catch lots of eye rolling and frustration faces from him, but it must be very difficult to live with, I appreciate that. He is very good at manipulating people, and has little phrases like for every winner there has to be a looser, and every action causes a re action, phrases used to explain vindictive behaviour ( not necessarily towards me )

What do I get out of the relationship now ? Well...great company, he makes me howl laughing, something that I feel is important. His support, when I lost a baby at 22 weeks, I fell apart and he was magnificent, and pulled me through....when I need someone, he is right behind, me always has been. I like to think that I provide him with the same support, and I am "caring" for him, if he is feeling down, I try really hard to pull him round. Despite my moaning, we do work well as a team.

larrygrills how does he work harder than me ? and when do I get more free time than him ? It honestly does not feel like that, but I prepared to see it if you can point it out to me.

I don't particularly want him to have no free time at all, that has never been a thought in my head. I think what I don't want, is to not be able to represent myself effectively during discussions. I want to be able to get my point across. I do not dislike spending time with my children, yet during yesterday's discussion I was not able to articulate that, i can do it on here, and I can think it, but faced with a confrontational conversation I cannot...

I really do appreciate your responses, it is helping me unravel this, I was very confused and upset last night, and am feeling better today..

your DH has taken responsibility of being a leader of running group meaning he is out 3xweek for few hours wit h2 young kids and f/t job

that imho is irresponsible
he puts other people ahead of his family

however nice job he is doing there it impacts your family life

if I were you I'd look at it like that - in 2 years time you are going to have all 3 kids in f/t school hours
you need to come up with a strategy to survive till then - so 24 months plan (give or take)

perhaps sit down with your dh and look at it as a project to manage as a couple

maybe working 2 more days a month will give you enough time to pay for cleaner for another 4 hours a week, or to send them to nursery half a day/week, or maybe there will be another way to make sure you have more time on your hands

the aim is such you have equal numbers of hours without childcare or running around like headless chicken

having 3 young kids to look after is hard work, your job brings very good profit, if you worked full-time hours then your take home pay would be 3K/month

you don't know if dh's job is secure, redundancies often come back in few months time

Recall,

You posted above:

"I get from 5.15 - 18.00, and then from 21.30 - bed ....ish, and Thursday from 09.00 - 15.30, but mostly spent doing chores etc.

He gets 18.00 - 20.00 and then from 21.00 - bed ...ish. He gets a lunch break.

So I get more leisure time than him taking into account Thursdays (kids at play group all day )"

That is where I got the idea that, in total, he works harder than you! I can only take you at your word.

What I don't understand is that you say you want to communicate better with him but seem unable to explain WHAT it is you want to communicate? What would you actually like to say to him? What do you actually resent?

perhaps op wants us to help her to articulate what she wants doing - nothing wrong with that

That should have read 17.15 - 18.00

I see, yes, I was including Thursdays as leisure time because I don't have the children....I then back tracked on that and decided that it wasn't strictly leisure time for me because of what i had to achieve during that time...I am chopping and changing....told you I was confused.....apologies

I feel like throwing my fucking hands up and just putting up with things how they are. It is impossible...I can't do it...I can't explain what is wrong. I am too tired and mixed up to cope with sorting this out. I will have to be satisfied knowing that I do enjoy spending time with my children without having to explain it to my husband. It feels like being cross examined in a court when we argue, he trips me up and all sorts, I can't do it back. I feel sick with it.

Its an uphill struggle every day sorry if I sound sulky

You are too tired and mixed up to cope.

I think you've summed it up right there.

There are two things that seem to keep coming up.

1. You struggle to be articulate in face to face discussions, particularly when stessed. I'm not sure where you can get help, but not remembering things clearly is a sign of extreme anxiety, you perhaps need to raise this and think of strategies, or find a counsellor to help you work through this.

1. You are constantly juggling the various roles in your life and finding this stressful as well. Is it possible to set aside certain hours/places so that when you are working, you work? Then when you're with the kids you don't try to email etc at the same time? Can you come up with a schedule that gives you blocks of time to do each part of your life, then you switch off from them once you've done a certain amount?

Mainly it sounds like your life is out of control and you're running just to keep up. Actually, on here it looks do-able, but it obviously doesn't feel that way for you. If you can organize your physical space so that things work more smoothly, then try to do the same with you mental space.

kickassangel Yes, I agree with what you say. What jumps out of your post to me is my ADD. It makes organising and being consistent almost impossible. I am in the process of getting a diagnosis, and then hopefully treatment. Thanks for the input. I believe that Anxiety is a common side effect ( for want of a better phrase ) of the ADD. It makes me feel worried when you say it seems all do-able, because being in the middle of it it seems far from do-able. I am convinced this is due to ADD. I put loads of effort into everything, and my friends and family describe me as having get up and go and being very enthusiastic, even about little things. I would love to channel that energy into my family life. This is a great opportunity for me to reflect. ( feels very self indulgent though ..me me me ! )

OP - it sounds to me as if you are both hard-pressed. He does what my dh does and generates household tasks which involve no minding of children but tick the 'helpful' box. For your dh it is the mowing, for mine 'going up on the roof, to check tiles' . It is a symptom of wanting some time and space, I think.

The passive aggressive stuff is unfair imo - as is the guilt tripping about not enjoying looking after the children. You need to remain calm and have confidence that it is perfectly reasonable to want a break - as he clearly does. It is very unfair of him to use your anxiety/other issues as a focus for argument. Sounds like he wants to paint himself as the heroic, all-capable one when actually he too is showing signs of stress. You are both human!

What works for me is being resolute in remaining calm and unflustered and just taking time out for myself. The equivalent of a run, or a session on the mower! He 100% enjoys the childcare, so more of it should be no problem for him....