Can anyone help me with this ???

[recall]

This morning, after a long half term with a 5, 3 and 2 year old, my husband went for a run from 08.30 until 12.00. Shortly after his return, he decided to mow the lawn on the sit on mower. He took the children out with him, but due to the cold, they came in after 10 minutes. He finished this at 13.00.

Throughout the morning, I was left to mind the children.

I commented that I had done a 4 1/2 hour stint with the children, and he said " but you have had a nice time with them."

Just as he was coming to bed, I tried to calmly explain that during the 4 1/2 hours, I wasn't particularly having a nice time, I was trapped in the kitchen/lounge where the children were playing, and was constantly tending to their needs. He became defensive and asked me why I didn't enjoy spending time with my children, he said I was being strange lately, and it was a shame that I clearly didn't want to spend time with our children.

I just can...not....discuss these issues with him without it going wrong from my perspective. We have an argument/heated discussion and I come away feeling all wrong. He seems to manage to orchestrate these discussions somehow. Our perspectives are so different on the same events.

How am I supposed to deal with it. I am rubbish at arguing my point. I always end up in the wrong, it is so confusing.

I don't know how to represent myself in these discussions...I can't do it...it goes wrong.

Any advice ?

I would like to help you see your way through this...that's why I'm asking. I understand you feel as though he makes you behave angrily, but in the spirit of fairness I have to say that you are in control of your own responses. i'm trying to work out if you have a point.

When you say that you feel like you're dealing with the master of games, and that you feel so confused, it makes me worry for you, you see?

It sounds like you don't really work as a team. It seems you're on duty monday morning until Friday evening - he avoids school runs and bedtimes though work and running. Then he's on duty Friday through Monday morning and you can't help because you're at work. I take it from what you've posted he just does childcare - leaving house etc up to you?

Is there any possibility of either of you re jigging your hours because at the moment I can see how both of you feel a bit hard done by. Your work sounds very profitable any chance he could reduce his hours and you increase yours?

I agree with the poster who said weekends when you don't work should probably be properly organised so there is fun family stuff and time off for both you and your DH.

Do you get any social life? Your DH has his running what about you?

pictish

well he might say I have been playing on my laptop all morning. I have been on it yes, but I work for myself, and have a fair amount of correspondence and planning to do. Often the only chance I get to do it is when I am looking after the children. I have to take calls from my customers with 2 or 3 children in the background. He has the luxury of working alone in an office with no interruptions.

so when he refers to me playing on my laptop, I get really narked and angry because it feels like he has no respect for the demands placed on me.

That is an example...

Have you looked into getting childcare vouchers (or whatever the equivalent is now - I think it's a tax break)?

How does he say it? Pleasantly, matter of factly, rudely, aggressively?

anomaly we have a cleaner for 4 hours on Mondays. I think I do the majority of the domestic stuff apart from the cleaning. I cook a fair bit ( he once referred to my cooking as stodge, so I lost my confidence a bit )

We have discussed him going part time in order for me to go for it with my business, but then he was threatened with redundancy, and after 8 weeks of rounds, he was told last week that he can keep his job of 14 years. I doubt after that they would allow him to reduce his hours to part time.

Last weekend, I was at home too, and we did spend saturday at the beach, it was really lovely, we all enjoyed it, just the 5 of us.

I usually meet up with friends about once or twice a month, and I have coffee with a good friend every week after school drop off at the local pub. Because I work from Friday night onwards, it only leaves Monday - tuesday evenings, he runs monday, wednesday and thursday. I take my daughter swimming on tuesday nights. To be fair, if I had something planned, he would drop the running, but because he is a leader of a group, once he is committed its difficult for him to cancel because several people are depending on him.

pictish always pleasantly

pollypandemonium think we did look at them, I've forgotten the outcome though, will look again. Think he gets something through work...? does that sound right ?

www.gov.uk/childcare-tax-credits

www.gov.uk/childcare-tax-credits

opps forgot to check the box

Thank you so much pollypandemonium

pollypandemonium I think we were overpaid this, and now they are taking out of his salary by altering his tax code. I just tried to use the calculator and realised something was up.

Do you and he both get the same amount of leisure time (ie time spent doing things you enjoy rather than looking after DC or doing chores)? When he is looking after the children is he looking after them or is he watching TV/playing computer games and just about making sure they haven't set fire to themselves or drowned?

I get from 5.15 - 18.00, and then from 21.30 - bed ....ish, and Thursday from 09.00 - 15.30, but mostly spent doing chores etc.

He gets 18.00 - 20.00 and then from 21.00 - bed ...ish. He gets a lunch break.

So I get more leisure time than him taking into account Thursdays (kids at play group all day )

When he is looking after the children, he just sits with them in the lounge. During the time I have them, I bath them, and take them to school and cook and serve their meals . At weekends, he does everything for them, but I have known them spend the entire weekend in the same outfit, so can't be bathing them. This is upsetting because my son has eczema, and I have a fairly strict regime of skin care to keep it under control. In fairness, he plays and interacts with them loads, and they clearly have lots of fun with him. My Mum says when she comes round at weekends the children have scruffy hair and dirty faces but look very happy.

I have been thinking about this for a couple of hours. I just think that having three children ( and 4 mc ) in the last 6 years whilst in my late thirties early forties has taken its toll on me. I am worn out, and not much left to give. But I wanted this so desperately, its my own fault. I didn't give it much thought, and just wanted children. Having lost four, maybe I overcompensated, and had too many too close together. I also worked for myself throughout the pregnancies, only stopping for a few weeks after the births.

I have contacted The Priory for help with my ADD and anxiety, (NHS no help at all ) maybe if i can get them treated life might feel less overwhelming. It all feels very chaotic and relentless right now. I don't know if I'm on my head or my arse most days. From my husband's point of view, I am probably not easy to live with.

I feel sorry for you but tbh I feel sorry for your husband as well.

Running is not a crime. Running 3 x a week is fairly normal and a healthy way to manage stress. If he never looked after the kids and went down the pub after I'd see your point but he doesn't.

You're trying to paint a terrible picture of a man, dismissing his work, negating his stress of being made redundant and ignoring/glossing over the fact that 3 nights of the week and all weekend he does all child care. You're also dismissive of his abilities. I bet the kids are fine and happy.

It sounds as if counselling would help you but you need to stop begrudging him so much.

You get all day Thursday 'but do chores'. In your first post you criticised him for mowing as if that was a fun hobby. It seems he can't do right here

Definitely time for a discussion.

Why should he be able to just take a morning off and you can't? Just do it, we all need time on our own.

Why is Thursday all day without work or children not considered a morning off?

This man works mon-fri, looks after kids all weekend, does household tasks (was criticised for mowing in the first post) and is always pleasant whilst OP freely admits to calling him a cunt.

OP divorce him! I'll have him. He sounds a dream

I agree, you are being too harsh on DH. You OP painted a picture of a woman that's either at work or with the DC or doing chores. Then you drip feed, you have a cleaner, you have all day Thursday to yourself and you go to the pub with your friend every week. You DH mowed the lawn and went for a run. Don't see the problem. Would you rather be posting that he's a fat, lazy couche potato and you can't shift him from the xbox?
Divorce him and tell him to PM me

What he does already isn't really the issue. It's his defensiveness and rudeness and twisting of arguments when asked to do more, or the same but in a different way or timetable. And there's certainly nothing admirable about never ever doing bathtime, is there?

Him spending half a day running and mowing when the OP is working is not fair. And saying 'Dont you like your children?!' to blamed her for being frustrated is bullshit. Doesn't he like his children?? It's like her dumping all three of them in his office all Tuesfay morning.

cabbageLeaves He doesn't do all child care three nights a week, he minds them from 17.15 - 18.00, then goes out running and I bath them and get them to bed.

Regarding the stress f the redundancy, I too found this uncertainty very stressful, he was not going through this alone, I was very supportive during this time.

Thursday from 09.00-15.30 is child free yes, but this time does not feel like a time off. You say without work, It is without working for an employer. I do a great deal of work during this time. I tidy the house from top to bottom, I do 3 or 4 loads of washing and put it away, I cook a meal, and bake usually, there is my business to tend to - due to driving up and down the country at weekends, and making about 7-8 calls to client's homes, I use Thursdays to plan this route, and contact them to arrange and confirm their appointments. That feels like a fair amount of work to accomplish in 6 hours.

I will explain the mowing. We have a huge garden, when we moved here, I arranged for someone to come and mow it. My husband decided he wanted to buy a sit on mower, it cost £2500. I said that it would be cheaper to continue paying the chap, but he said he really wanted one, and would enjoy cutting the grass if he had one of these. Every year, he sends the mower away to be serviced which costs a further £200. He enjoys his mower ! It is February, the grass did not need to be cut. He cut the grass because he wanted to go on his mower, it wasn't necessary at all. ( sorry if this is drip feeding, I don't know how else to explain it and address your points )

He is always pleasant....I believe he is covertly passively aggressive. My aggression tends to be more up front. The resentment and upset feels like it builds and builds up inside me, and then feels like I explode and I get really angry. I do think it is awful shouting at him and calling him names.

I don't understand drip feeding, how else can i address comments and have a conversation ?

Flojobunny interesting that you say "you" have a cleaner, don't "we" have a cleaner ?

The reason we employ a cleaner is that the alternative would be to pay someone to look after the children whilst I cleaned, I decided I would rather spend that time with the kids.

cabbageleaves and flojobunny you seem to find this amusing, I happen to be really upset, and am trying to find a way through this. i came here asking if anyone had any advice to help me deal with it. i wasn't asking if I was being unreasonable, I was asking how best to deal with the discussions that these circumstances are evoking between us. To suggest I divorce him ( i know it was meant as a joke ) has just made me feel sick. I love him so much.

I am not very articulate, especially when I am feeling emotional, and my interpersonal skills are not great, they are clumsy. Sometimes the harder I try to sort something out the worse it seems to get. i find it very confusing, and difficult to recall events and feelings during the discussion. If I think about a heated discussion afterwards, it seems like a blur. i hear my friends, and they seem to remember whole conversations with their partners, and can relay a discussion back in really structured way. I just remember snippets that are jumbled up.