I do EVERYTHING whilst he sits in his pants playing x box

[Fairy130389]

Hi there.
The argument is fresh so this may well be a bit ranty, apologies in advance.

My husband is kind, thoughtful, generous, and an absolute prick.
We both work full time (My job is a long commute away and I have to leave at 6.45 and don't get home until 6.30), he works 4 days a week on a 12 hr shift, meaning he has 4 straight days off per week.

I have a 7 yr old step daughter who lives with us.
I am also 6 months pregnant.

'D'H is the messiest, uncleanest laziest person EVER. When I first visited his flat it was like something out of how clean is your house.

I'm no desperate housewife but I can't live like that.
For him, cleaning is not a priority. and so he doesn't do it. at all. he just makes more mess. When I say he doesn't do it by the way, I don't mean he doesn't clean the floors, I mean, he doesn't do the washing up, empty bins etc etc, really really basic stuff. So. I have to come home from work, whilst he's had a busy day sitting on his arse, to cook dinner. Before starting I have to clean the kitchen, because he will have made himself breakfast/dsd breakfast, his lunch and obv left it out on the side in a mess explosion.

Honestly it is amazing how much mess one 28 year old man can make in one day.

I pack the lunches, I deal with childcare when he's working, I do all the cooking, shopping (he will occasionally go shopping but doesn't understand that a family need more than fish fingers and chips so I usually have to go again anyway)

I have tried to talking to him about this but it always ends up in an argument.
I can't go on strike because the mess doesn't bother him at all.

I asked him to empty the bins the other day (they had begun to spill onto the floor) he told me off for nagging him and said that he 'always does it'...
I came home, not done. I have given him 3 days. Still not done. So I did it myself.

I am so paranoid that I will end up having a c section and won't be able to do this stuff. He won't understand why it needs doing and lack of sleep will make me unable to turn a blind eye and I can just see us constantly rowing.

this may seem trivial but I'm just so tired and would just like to live in a reasonable environment. Not a show home. just reasonable.

I find myself planning my days off around cleaning. Which will take all day, but as soon as his day off rolls around, it's back to a squat again.

I've even hired a cleaner but he complains that she puts things back in the wrong place!!!!!!! At least she puts things back!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how to manage this, he is so unreasonable when I try and talk about it and I'm finding it so upsetting that it always turns into a huge row.

Sorry about the long post.

Agreed amillion. I had no idea people lived in relationships like this till I spent time here. It's so far from my own experience. And, not generational. My grandfather and father both worked full time and contributed in the house. My Dad was a far better cook than my Mum!

Ahem.

My burning suggestion was tongue in cheek to the OP.

It did work though. He was rather tidy after that.

A tad extreme and yes, definitely illegal. There were extenuating circumstances of course. Mainly that he was a wanker

This is a symptom of a bigger problem for us at least, my children are older, 8 & 12 and are firmly with me on doing their bit and see him as lazy so rather than follow suit they are doing the opposite. I don't blame his mum at all just saying we come from very different backgrounds and upbringings so I can't see things his way and he can't see things my way. He is aware I am unhappy (as is he) think its just easier to argue about this than more difficult issues.

The thing that bemuses me is...

Whenever I read threads like this (and there are so many of them), I'm reminded of the awful Asda Christmas ad. And the screeds of people who came on to defend it, saying that's how it is in their house, and taking umbrage at people who said it was sexist and awful and outdated.

Because you can bet your last £$? that men who let their partners do everything on Christmas day, sure as hell aren't pulling their weight the rest of the time.

People defended that ad. And yet, this... Why aren't the dots being joined? This sort of behaviour is unacceptable, breeds huge unhappiness and resentment. Why do people make excuses for it?

Why would he change? He has no respect for your feelings, and no respect for his daughter's right to live in a clean home. He knows that he doesn't have to bother because you'll sort it out if he just leaves it.

I hope you don't cook his dinner when you get in ?

He won't change until it starts having an impact on him. I'd be tempted to sell the xbox and the tv to fund a cleaner to come round at 6pm every day for a few weeks , in the hope that it would make him realise that him not cleaning up his own mess actually creates work for someone else- if he has to pay a professional for that work to be done then he might start to realise that it doesn't happen by magic.

OP what is his personal hygiene like? Does he shower every day, clean his teeth, etc?

I think the OP wanted to come her for 'oh poor you' rather than any constructive advice. Breaking up a family is a big deal, but if he thought his laziness could cause this, it might be the push he needs. She hasn't got to the point where she really has had enough, but if she doesn't take action now then it will all be a lot harder with a newborn and broken sleep.

People are trying to help you OP, because it isn't going to get better without a battle. Don't take things personally, try to use the things that are upsetting you here across to your DP. Tell him how you need things to be before the baby comes, and make it clear that you will not be continuing as thinks are. The lion's share of the work is one thing, but as it is, you have 2 kids already.....

Bloody hell.
My 'EX' Husband was like this. Absolute fucking piss take.
The big issue here is that it upsets you. He knows this and does fuck all about it. He could fix it, but doesn't care enough.

When I left my ex, his parents moved nearer to him and now do everything. He is 40. Our children tell me that 'Daddy works long hours and is too tired to do it'. I work an hour a day more than he does, and manage fine. My wonderful soon-to-be DH is an equal partner. We have 5 kids between us, including a baby. It can be hard, but there is no simmering resentment!!

Please try Relate. See if it gets the message through.
I couldn't live like that again.

What you could do the interim is get some plastic crates and put all his dirty clothes and crockery in and leave outside. Get sealed ones wih lids so they don't attract vermin. Also only cook for yourself and dd - if he moans pony to the sink or a cookbook.

I meant point not pony!

OP I was like this, and at first didn't care that OH was too. But I managed to change my ways. He didn't.

So if your OH is like me, then he can change. If like my OH (now ex) he won't.

Anyone can change. They just have to want to. Therein lies the problem. He doesn't want to clean up after himself. Why would he? He has always had someone else to do it if he leaves it long enough.

Cleaning up after him is enabling him. It doesn't help anyone, least of all yourself OP.

But it's your choice, live like this if you want to. Just try to protect the children from the filth and his entitled attitude towards the other family members.

Hello Fairy! Congratulations on your pregnancy!

One thing that hasn't been taken into account here is how when you're pregnant you feel much more tied to the house and house-proud and interested in things being clean and homely. Some of the books call it 'nesting' and though they say it only goes on in the final weeks I found that it was happening throughout my pregnancy and even more so after LO was born. Especially when you are on maternity leave, you will be at home much more often and it will be your baby's first world...

Could you try to include him in the pregnancy more? Perhaps if you sit down with him (and maybe even DSD) feeling the baby move etc. and reading out from pregnancy books you could explain how important home will be for you and the baby, and all of you in the coming months. Therefore it needs to be clean and feel like a special place. You could explain to him that now is a great time for him to make a change and that it would be really good for you etc etc.

Rather than emphasising what a pig he is what a mess and so on you should focus on how much you would like it if the home was a really special nest for the LO to be born and grow up in.

Good luck!!

You could also sketch out for him what kind of mother you want to be. Explain that while he has been a parent for years this is a moment of you reinventing yourself as a mother and you want to be the kind of mother that has a lovely home! (and that he must help with that!!)

Does his mother's husband do anything? You've said she is OTT supermum but is she also a beleaguered 1950s housewife? Perhaps you could point out to him the downsides of his mother's situation and how you want to find a different way to 'have it all' = family, career, home. Ask him if he could help you realise this dream!!

FWIW I don't think he sounds half as bad as the other people on here think. He's still in his 20s and can learn. Like the woman who said she hid the DHs x-box you can alter this.

Either that or you take all the other posters' advice, throw the X-Box in the pond and leave a lipstick-scrawled note on the hallway mirror:

"This changes NOW or XBox becomes EX-Box"

Only joking. x

Sorry one last comment: the WORST thing you could do is abandon your family while you are pregnant!! I know you're not even considering it but just in case I need to tell you to ignore the people on here saying that. Lots of men are messy PITA and I'm sure he has many compensatory good sides. It's called working at a relationship. You will be fine with a bit of fine tuning xxx

No, not all men are messy PITA by any means. This OPs man is which is bad enough (he also moans about their cleaner). Whats even worse is that this manchild does not seemingly care that he is also living in a shitpit. He knows that if he holds out long enough, she'll do all the chores that she originally asked him to do.

" Lots of men are messy PITA and I'm sure he has many compensatory good sides. It's called working at a relationship. "

Yes, lots of men have no self respect, no respect for their surroundings and no respect for the comfort of the people they live with.

That's just men, that's just normal isn't it? If you think men are all wankers.

If you don't, if you know that they are human beings just like women, you know that the ones who behave like this, make a choice to do so and are sub-standard. There are men out there who really do meet a much higher standard than this and they *don't behave like this because they're sensible and decent and care enough about the people they live with, not to make their living conditions horrible.

As for working at a relationship, that's what women in this situation do. The men don't. It's women's work, that.

Ok... what about telling the mum to 'tell him off' then. Can she scare him into line?

Ok... what about telling the mum to 'tell him off' then. Can she scare him into line?

What? Are you serious?

Why would that not be serious, Fairenuff? Could be effective and would at least be worth a try. OP needs a short term solution so she can stop worrying about c-section/house mess -- even if long term she decides the relationship doesn't work for this reason. Even if the only result is MIL supports the OP during the newborn days, that would improve her lot overall.

I don't think the late stages of pregnancy is the ideal time to try to change your relationship radically, but the short term cleanliness issue could be sorted.

Well imagine this. My dh has been on at me for some time to put a shelf up. I've been putting it off, secretly expecting that he will get on and do it himself. After a few weeks, dh decides to have a quiet word with my dad. He tells him that I'm not pulling my weight and when he complains, I just accuse him of 'nagging'. Would my dad mind going round to my house to 'tell me off'.

Does that not sound ridiculous to anyone else, or is it just me?

It is ridiculous to involve his mum. It reinforces the issue that he behaves like a spoilt child. My brother & I did more round the house when we were children than the OP's partner.

He will not change. He has no reason to.

fair no, but if he told your dad that you were a lazy pita and he was getting fed up, I expect your dad would call you up and urge you to smarten up your act in case you lost DH.

The obvious weak link is that X Box. Divide price of 2nd hand X Box by hourly rate of cleaner. Show him that calculation. Or it could come by a tragic accident involving a cup of tea when you trip over all the crap he didn't clear up.

This cannot go on, he's acting liie an arse. Do nothing for him - shopping, cooking, laundry. Just do your own & dc.

Good luck :)