I do EVERYTHING whilst he sits in his pants playing x box

[Fairy130389]

Hi there.
The argument is fresh so this may well be a bit ranty, apologies in advance.

My husband is kind, thoughtful, generous, and an absolute prick.
We both work full time (My job is a long commute away and I have to leave at 6.45 and don't get home until 6.30), he works 4 days a week on a 12 hr shift, meaning he has 4 straight days off per week.

I have a 7 yr old step daughter who lives with us.
I am also 6 months pregnant.

'D'H is the messiest, uncleanest laziest person EVER. When I first visited his flat it was like something out of how clean is your house.

I'm no desperate housewife but I can't live like that.
For him, cleaning is not a priority. and so he doesn't do it. at all. he just makes more mess. When I say he doesn't do it by the way, I don't mean he doesn't clean the floors, I mean, he doesn't do the washing up, empty bins etc etc, really really basic stuff. So. I have to come home from work, whilst he's had a busy day sitting on his arse, to cook dinner. Before starting I have to clean the kitchen, because he will have made himself breakfast/dsd breakfast, his lunch and obv left it out on the side in a mess explosion.

Honestly it is amazing how much mess one 28 year old man can make in one day.

I pack the lunches, I deal with childcare when he's working, I do all the cooking, shopping (he will occasionally go shopping but doesn't understand that a family need more than fish fingers and chips so I usually have to go again anyway)

I have tried to talking to him about this but it always ends up in an argument.
I can't go on strike because the mess doesn't bother him at all.

I asked him to empty the bins the other day (they had begun to spill onto the floor) he told me off for nagging him and said that he 'always does it'...
I came home, not done. I have given him 3 days. Still not done. So I did it myself.

I am so paranoid that I will end up having a c section and won't be able to do this stuff. He won't understand why it needs doing and lack of sleep will make me unable to turn a blind eye and I can just see us constantly rowing.

this may seem trivial but I'm just so tired and would just like to live in a reasonable environment. Not a show home. just reasonable.

I find myself planning my days off around cleaning. Which will take all day, but as soon as his day off rolls around, it's back to a squat again.

I've even hired a cleaner but he complains that she puts things back in the wrong place!!!!!!! At least she puts things back!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how to manage this, he is so unreasonable when I try and talk about it and I'm finding it so upsetting that it always turns into a huge row.

Sorry about the long post.

Some people just aren't compatible in terms of living together , not everyone is tidy unfortunately , will he do things if you tell him what needs doing?

Or, dedicate one room of the house to be his. Put his bed in there and his x-box and all his teenage belongings and just clean the rest of the house.

Anything he leaves lying around dirty, just put it in his room. Old food, dirty dishes, smelly clothes, the lot. Just hold your breath, open the door, chuck it all in there, and run away quickly.

Keep your own set of crockery and cooking pans, etc. under lock and key so that you can use them when you cook.

Get loads of febreeze to spray him and his room until he finally gets the message.

If you're not going to LTB, or kick his arse sufficiently, I recommend getting his stuff in a big pile and burning it. Not so much passive aggressive as aggressive aggressive. Worked for me many years ago.

I like Fairenuff's idea. If you have a spare room.

OP, I rather get the impression you wanted/expected us to say (a) you've got this out of proportion (b) lots of us have partners who are like this (c) there are practical solutions that don't involve making him do anything. Sorry, but no. You absolutely deserve to live in a house that isn't a shit-pit - more to the point so do your kids. Lots of men do notice filth and indeed clear it up. And no, as has been pointed out above, even if you do reinstate a cleaner there will still be cleaning that needs doing by everyone.

Heaven knows my house isn't pristine, but at least everyone cleans the loo.

Peppermint , seriously?!!! I recommend getting his stuff in a big pile and burning it KMT!

What does KMT stand for?

I think burning his stuff would actually probably be illegal. Not sure but I think so...

OP Take no notice of some of these comments, filter them all and take in what you think might help to better your r'ship. Don't feel awful for asking for some advice and getting upsetting responses. We are not all alike when it comes to house chores! Just sit with your baby father and try to come up with a solution, like a said earlier, you both compromise.

You are not a wicked step mum! I had a step mum and the best she taught me was to be responsible. I may have hated her for constantly requesting me to do some tyding up here and there but now I'm grateful because I still have that in me. I'm very organized non OCD and I love living in atidy place. My DH was the opposite, he had his mum cleaning after him even making his bed till he was 25! and it didn't stop me from loving him. We just sat down and compromised about cleaning. left the bastard few months ago for being abusive though .

Feel free to come here for advice anytime. Put your feet up and have a , all will be well.

Kiss My Teeth :)

I am so paranoid that I will end up having a c section and won't be able to do this stuff. He won't understand why it needs doing and lack of sleep will make me unable to turn a blind eye and I can just see us constantly rowing.

From your own post... This is depressing stuff, because this is what's going to happen. :(

I suspect motherinferior has it bang on the money. Not all men are like this - really, really they are not. And every single woman deserves one of the good ones; not one of the selfish, immature, unevolved ones.

Shades of white, I sort of think you've invalidated your own point when you say your ex started off as a slob and then became abusive...

shadesofwhite - as something2say said on the previous page, your ex refusing to do any cleaning was the thin end of the wedge. Him turning abusive is the fat end...

All it is is, various points along the same selfish, entitled continuum.

What is the point in asking OP why she moved in with him when she knew he was like this? Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but she is now 6 months pregnant and sounds quite desperate.

OP budget in a cleaner if you have to.

Shove all his dirty stuff into one room/area if you have to.
Insist on at least one area where there is zero tolerance of crap that is for you and the baby. If any crap appears in that area, shove it in the same 'dirty room'.

If it does get to a state when it is unhealthy for you and the baby, you will have to find somewhere that is calm and clean, even if that does mean leaving temporarily.

It's nothing to do with hindsight. It's blatantly identifying - and then ignoring - red flags in the early days, and then complaining about them when they come home to roost, so to speak.

People's twunt radars goes off for all sorts of things, but instead of heeding them, they ignore them. And then these very things end up making them miserable.

It's a problem now because it's likely that this situation is not actually fixable. Getting a cleaner, by the way, isn't a realistic, long-term solution for anyone who is even passingly familiar with the sorts of household chores which have to be done day-in-and-day-out; not just weekly.

My ex DP was like this.

I thought things could change but they never did and I became bitter about cleaning up after him.

My DP now takes 50% responsibility for these tasks, that's why the relationship can work ok.

"I became bitter about cleaning up after him."

That's a point OP.

You will become bitter and resentful about it.

It is actually impossible to love someone who treats you like a skivvy and shows that he doesn't love you by categorically refusing to make an effort to keep your space comfortable.

Women are always apologetic about the seeming pettiness of this - you used the word "trivial" in your OP.

But it's not petty or trivial - not in the least. It goes to the heart of the relationship - the consideration, respect and kindness that couples show to each other.

This sort of contempt is absolutely corrosive of any tender feeling. Really it is. Don't be scared to take it seriously, because it is serious.

You say that he is not bothered by the mess at all, but what he really doesn't care about is your feelings! You have told him time and time again about the importance of a reasonably tidy and clean house and he really doesn't give a monkey's, even though he knows how upset it makes you. The fact that you have a baby on the way doesn't seem to have registered with him at all. You realise that things are only going to get worse but it is not about getting a cleaner or putting all his stuff into one room - because those things will not make him change his attitude to you, the house and his new baby. You shouldn't have to manage him - he needs to grow up. Good luck.

I'm in a similar situation, we both work me 40hrs, P 30hrs and he is of the opinion it's 'womens's work' and loses hours of his life on FB, twitter, Xbox whilst ignoring the mess building up around him. When I complain I'm told 'other women do all the housework' - I'm not sure who he is referring to! I also do all the shopping, finances, kids schedules etc, its exhausting and incrediby boring doing the same thing day in day out on my days off just to keep on top. I told him I would be happy doing all this if I was on my own, its the fact he's sat there in his boxers watching sky sports for hours that bugs me! I can't see any changes in the future, his mum is such a lovely woman but was / is the slave of her house, no one lifts a finger and she's waited on the household hand and foot growing up whereas I grew up having to tidy, iron etc..This became an issue when I started work FT, didn't really notice it as much before as I was at home so naturally did it all, his answer to my complaints - he calls himself 'traditional'! Best of luck to you with the new baby, I would keep the cleaner on just for the sake of your sanity at least and try to enlist the help of the step-daughter, maybe reward chart for helping out but I'm afraid I don't think he'll change.

What do you and your partner thinking you're teaching your children, Doodyanna?

You can't blame your MIL entirely for the way your partner is. After all, you're doing exactly the same thing, perpetuating exactly the same model for your children...

Doodyanna

I was going to write precisely what MidnightMasquerader has done on reading your post.

You're just carrying on exactly where his mother left off and showing your children that you are solely put on this planet to clean up after your lazy arsed manchild.

What do you want to teach them about relationships, teaching them this is just perpetuating the cycle of female enabling and male laziness.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do we all want to teach our daughters?

And our sons?

It's clear that many women feel the need to 'rant'. But they don't actually want to change anything.

It's so sad that this will continue for many generations yet.

All I can do is teach my own son and daughter that it does not have to be like this. There is another way. A better way. A happier way.

The op has had her rant.
Now that she has calmed down, she is starting to defend him.

So deep down, for now at least she is quite happy with the status quo.
Horses for courses.
There would be very few women who would put up with it, but she obviously gets something out of it.

She is worried however about a possible coming c section.

op, perhaps you can insist on a cleaner then?

But also, dont forget that he needs to keep his DD safe, and clean etc. [though thinking about it, I suppose his mother will step into the breech?]

This op, realistically, is going to allow her DH to carry on just as before.

I'm always completely bemused that so many women seem to think this is OK.

Expectations of men are so low.

The idea that you get a cleaner to clean up his mess, while you clean your own up - WTAF? Who is he, fucking Little Lord Fauntleroy all grown up?

The thing that amazes me, is that anyone can find infantilised, selfish fuckers like this remotely sexy or attractive. Do you actually think "phwoar" while cleaning up their shit?

Am I missing out on some kink or something?

I am truly bewildered by this phenomen, Mumsnet has been a real eye-opener in showing how common it is.

She has not reached the end of her tolerance levels by a very long way.

yep, much more common than I thought as well.
I often think it is because[and here comes a sweeping generalisation] they hear the magic words said to them by the man "I love you".