I do EVERYTHING whilst he sits in his pants playing x box

[Fairy130389]

Hi there.
The argument is fresh so this may well be a bit ranty, apologies in advance.

My husband is kind, thoughtful, generous, and an absolute prick.
We both work full time (My job is a long commute away and I have to leave at 6.45 and don't get home until 6.30), he works 4 days a week on a 12 hr shift, meaning he has 4 straight days off per week.

I have a 7 yr old step daughter who lives with us.
I am also 6 months pregnant.

'D'H is the messiest, uncleanest laziest person EVER. When I first visited his flat it was like something out of how clean is your house.

I'm no desperate housewife but I can't live like that.
For him, cleaning is not a priority. and so he doesn't do it. at all. he just makes more mess. When I say he doesn't do it by the way, I don't mean he doesn't clean the floors, I mean, he doesn't do the washing up, empty bins etc etc, really really basic stuff. So. I have to come home from work, whilst he's had a busy day sitting on his arse, to cook dinner. Before starting I have to clean the kitchen, because he will have made himself breakfast/dsd breakfast, his lunch and obv left it out on the side in a mess explosion.

Honestly it is amazing how much mess one 28 year old man can make in one day.

I pack the lunches, I deal with childcare when he's working, I do all the cooking, shopping (he will occasionally go shopping but doesn't understand that a family need more than fish fingers and chips so I usually have to go again anyway)

I have tried to talking to him about this but it always ends up in an argument.
I can't go on strike because the mess doesn't bother him at all.

I asked him to empty the bins the other day (they had begun to spill onto the floor) he told me off for nagging him and said that he 'always does it'...
I came home, not done. I have given him 3 days. Still not done. So I did it myself.

I am so paranoid that I will end up having a c section and won't be able to do this stuff. He won't understand why it needs doing and lack of sleep will make me unable to turn a blind eye and I can just see us constantly rowing.

this may seem trivial but I'm just so tired and would just like to live in a reasonable environment. Not a show home. just reasonable.

I find myself planning my days off around cleaning. Which will take all day, but as soon as his day off rolls around, it's back to a squat again.

I've even hired a cleaner but he complains that she puts things back in the wrong place!!!!!!! At least she puts things back!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how to manage this, he is so unreasonable when I try and talk about it and I'm finding it so upsetting that it always turns into a huge row.

Sorry about the long post.

As others have said, he was like that when you met him. Why did you think he would change?

And as usual, everything Hecate said.

pay a cleaning company to do a deep clean.

Then pay for a weekly cleaner to keep on top of things.

After that, it's up to you whether you stay with this pig of a man.

Why do MNeters always say "LTB?" FCS no one is absolutely perfect in this world. The dude isn't abusive, if he was..then its a case of LTB.

OP, sorry that your DH is like this, like its said, there is a solution to every problem , just plan ahead to have a cleaner on certain days and both of you/ him depending on your financial arrangements, pay for the cleaning service. That way, you'll ease your cleaning stress once the baby is here. My friend has had her cleaner for years and it sorted out their relationship. Your DH will not change so just sit and have a mature discussion on how to work around your da to day stuggles. its just simply compromising. My STBXH was a copy of your DH, and for along time we compromised on the cleaning issue and we both lived sanely until he got abusive then I left him.

, its as easy as that. Compromise because he's unlikely to change when the baby arrives.

Thank you for all the advice.
Yes, you are right, he was like this when I met him and probably I should have put my foot down long ago.

It's all well and good jumping up and down and telling me to leave - but that would mean breaking up my family, leaving the man I love and frankly, it is not an option, yes he may be a lazy sod but he does love me and despite what you all say - he is a brilliant father.

I'm not making excuses for him - if I didn't see the problem I wouldn't be on here.

The cleaner had to stop for her own reasons, I didn't get another one because we are moving to a bigger house and I'm about to go on Mat leave so we can't afford it.

I think the online shopping is a good idea, and cleaner might have to be reinstated. I'm feeling much calmer now and DSD has just come home from her mums and I got her to wash up - DH is at work.

I think when he gets home we will need to have a calm discussion about what we can compromise on - to be honest I'm not a particularly naturally tidy person myself but I can identify what definiteley needs to be done and do it.

So you've got your 7 year old DD cleaning up the mess your husband won't touch.

What kind of lesson is that teaching her?

I'm not really saying LTB but I think you should be realistic. It doesn't sound like he will ever change and as time goes on it will just make you more miserable, not less.

I find myself planning my days off around cleaning. Which will take all day, but as soon as his day off rolls around, it's back to a squat again

And this will be your life. Day in, day out. The daily grudge. Is that really what you want?

I don't know how to manage this, he is so unreasonable when I try and talk about it and I'm finding it so upsetting that it always turns into a huge row

And it always will. Huge row. Get angry. Rant about it on the internet. Go to bed. Wake up the next morning. Feel calmer. Start to excuse his behaviour. Ignore the real problem and get busy cleaning. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I actually think forcing you to clean up continual filth is abusive.

But he isn't forcing her, he just doesn't care.

I have been in a similar situation and under a councellor we had to find a way to compromise, I lowered my standards, he took on some jobs.

The problem is he doesn't care about the mess, you care, so it is kind of your problem. You have to work out a way to deal with the problem it is causing in your relationship, be he has always been like this, he isn't magically going to change.

I was retreading my journal this morning, from when I was going out with an alcoholic.

It went from 'ill just try to support him to change' to 'how come he hasn't changed?????' To him writing to me saying I knew what he was like when I first got with him.

It's a wise old adage - you can't change a man.

Five th ought to your finances op. it's either this or you may have to sack it off. I appreciate that being pg this is not what you are thinking.

I might also say that to him. I knew what you were like, but I'm not sure I can stomach this for the rest of my life.

I think the thing is, the woman above who said she got a cleaner and it was fine, but then later he became abusive. The not doing cleaning was the thin edge of the wedge which inevitably got fatter.

I was just about to come back and say that, actually, this is a form of abusive behaviour. Then I saw that you got your 7 year old to clean up this man's mess.
You must not do that. Do not allow this girl child to think this is how relationships work. It might be too late for you, but it most certainly is not for her. But it will be soon. You have an absolute duty to this child to change the situation.

The person who said that the dirty family smell is also correct. My ex friend had an awful dirty house and when she used to come here, I could smell her. I was embarrassed to go out with her as she smelt. I loved her otherwise but she was terribly dirty, bags of rubbish in the house etc. I couldn't live like it!

^I asked him to empty the bins the other day (they had begun to spill onto the floor) he told me off for nagging him and said that he 'always does it'...
I came home, not done. I have given him 3 days. Still not done. So I did it myself^

This is actually very controlling behaviour. If he is happy to live amongst rotting food and other filth (presumably it wouldn't occur to him to clean the toilet) then he can live like that. It's his choice.

OP, you do not have to live like that. But your choices are extremely limited. He will not change. He will not compromse. He does not want to. He wants to live in a shit hole. Sorry to be blunt but this is how he lived when he was single, he isn't going to change.

All you can do is either accept this and get on with the cleaning, or leave him to wallow in it.

But whatever you do, please do not let the 7 year old think this is normal. Take some time to research and explain to her that he has a condition and it does not mean that others have to clean up after him, but if they are happy to then it's ok for them.

All these adults have choices here. The children don't.

My husband is not abusive. He is lazy, yes, but not abusive.
We have different standards.
Also - Our house does not smell and niether do we - I appriciate that this is not because he wouldn't if I left him to it, but I wouldn't let it get to that state.

Also are you all seriously saying it is a problem to ask a child to help out?? she enjoys doing small chores and it teaches her good values - I will do the same when my son is born and perhaps if his mother had done the same with her children DH would not be this way. Maybe I should use the same technique with DH and buy him some washing up gloves with fifa on or something :)
I've hardly got her scrubbing the floors ala cinders - although I am the wicked step mother so could be an option!!! ;)

Again, thanks for all your advice.
I am pregnant though, and feeling a bit sensitive so having you all telling me how abusive my partner is and how awful he is is making me quite upset, so I probably won't be back here.
Exploding a rant on an internet forum just after a row is probably not a good idea - I'm too hormonal to cope with the responses.

What do you think will happen tho? D you think he will change? What if he never changes?

God he sounds awful.

I appreciate you love him (fuck knows why) but I think you're going to have to accept living in squalor. He's not going to morph from a dirty lazy pig into a decent human being just because you've got a baby. In fact he'll probably get worse- "I would have washed up/emptied the bin but I was soooo tired after the baby kept me awake in the night......"

It always baffles me how/why women continue to love specimens like this.

My husband was a bit like this, when I met him he just worked very long hours, let the mess build up around him, the cleaner came, did the whole flat and ironed his shirts and he never did much himself (though he did empty bins). He did not mind mess, and one person didn't make much mess anyway, he also used a laundry service.

But, although he is still not the tidiest in the world, and I am uninterested in housework too, we have both accepted that to live as a family, stuff has to be clean and serviceable (not messy is beyond us both). So, sit him down and explain that you cannot go on like this, that it is making you unhappy and that you do expect him to do more, now there will be four of you and not just the one of him (plus MIL/daughter).

Things like bin going out, dishwasher, putting on a load of washing are not beyond anyone, even a formerly messy person, moreover, it's not a choice thing, it's not a preference, it's not about nagging, he just has to do it.

i don't agree getting a cleaner is a complete solution, even if they come once a week, the dishwasher needs stacking and unloading once a day, toilets need cleaning when they are dirty, not once a week.

I wouldn't accept any blame for nagging, sit down, tell him 'your mum did it up til now, but I CAN'T as I am busy working and with childcare', you now have to step up to the plate, being a parent means doing some basic cleaning and housecare.

Even if he only changes to please you, that's reason enough. Tell him this.

If you're moving house soon it's the perfect time for a fresh start - into a clean house. You need to have a very serious talk, make sure he hears you, because you are in a partnership and he can't expect for things to just be the way he wants them. Neither can you expect him to suddenly change into a domestic god. You both need to put your cards on the table - what you'd both like, what you both needs, which points you're prepared to compromise on and which you're not. I hope you can find a solution that suits you both.

No-one said it was a problem to ask a child to help out - people were trying to point out that by getting her to do chores that he refuses to do, you are giving her a very poor message about cleaning up - what is she likely to think? That it is a woman's job? That it is a woman's responsibility to make sure the house doesn't smell? That you don't have to clean up after yourself so long as you through a big enough tantrum?

He can see the mess. He just doesn't do anything about it because he knows you will clean it up. Like his mother did.

Like you are teaching his daughter to.

Calling someone kind thoughtful and an absolute prick is a contridiction in turn. Being too hormonal as well to deal with the responses is just running away further.

He is neither thoughtful and kind, he's an absolutely awful role model for his children to emulate and learn from.

What you have tried to date has not worked. You run yourself ragged and are now pg, he moans about the cleaner putting stuff away in the wrong place and he sits there on his xbox (the time honoured tool of the manchild) and acts as King. Who died and made him King?.

His mother no doubt ran around after him as well in a similar manner, this is where all that started with regards to him. She is also at fault here and you're just carrying on where she left off so you're just continuing the enabling.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up to think that any of this is acceptable to you. You've simply beome conditioned by him to accept this ill treatment of you and your stepdaughter and unborn child will learn to accept the same from him.

I think you will come to realise the magnitude of the mistake of marrying this man given time but at present you're not ready, willing or able to accept the fact you've married and continue to enable a selfish and emotionally immature manchild.

This is about having respect and consideration for the people you live with. He is telling you every day, that he doesn't love you enough to ensure that your environment is clean and liveable. He's also telling you that it's not his job - it's your's. The reason he can live like this, is because no-one passes any judgement on him for doing so. When friends come round to your's, they won't blame him for the state of the place, they'll blame you - because it's not a man's job to make a home comfortable, it's a woman's. That's why he has no ownership of the problem. It's your problem, not his.

Lots of men sub-consciously feel like this because of social conditioning, but many of them love the women and children they live with, enough to overcome their social conditioning and pull their weight, because they care about making their partner happy and relaxed.

Your partner just doesn't care enough about you.

If you don't have enough respect for the people you share your personal, domestic space with, to try and keep it reasonably comfortable, then you don't respect them and you are not interested in their needs. Women are very very good at being in denial about this - they call it lowering their standards, or compromising or some such. It's not. It's cognitive dissonance. It's failing to recognise that the men they live with, think doing the work of cleaning up a house, is beneath them, because that's the job of people with vaginas.

He sees his time as more valuable than yours. He sees himself as more important than you. He makes it your fault that the house isn't clean 'you're nagging'.

It is abuse. It's not as serious as violence but it is an abuse of your relationship.

What about counselling?

Women love selfish and entitled manchildren like this partly because they themselves have inherent low self esteem and worth. They do not think they deserve any better perhaps too because when they were growing up they learnt a lot of damaging crap about relationships. They could also regard such men as their project to rescue and or save; they think that by simply loving them and showing them love he will somehow morph into a decent caring human being. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and he was never your project to rescue and or save.

OP who do you think is responsible for cleaning in a partnership?

I'm not asking about idividual standards or quirky preferences, but just in general, in a relationship between a male and female, who do you honestly believe is responsible for housework?

If a cleaner doing the whole house is too expensive then you could identify rooms that are "his" and "yours", clean yours yourself and get the cleaner to do his - possibly twice a week.

Because she's responsible for her own shit while another woman is responsible for his?

Really?

Someone remind me why we need feminism again?