Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something terrible happened last night...

193 replies

Felix77 · 22/02/2013 15:12

Hi there,

Thought I might post as its been playing on my mind and wanted to see what others thought. We have two year old dd who is the love of our lives and she is very 'mummy demanding' at present. Im still breastfeeding her so some nights she will call out for me in the night. I'll usually go in and comfort her as my husband, although he offers is usually in a very grumpy mood and has difficulty getting up at that time - he will usually complain, swear and carry on abut her waking so I just tell him to go back to bed. Lately things have been changing. My hubby has been stressed at work - I have also (I work PT and also study and he works FT). Last night DD cried out - I waited for a little to see if she would settle and didn't so I went in - bf her and put her down but she wasnt having any of it. So I asked hubby to see if he would do it, (a very rare occasion indeed to see if she would stop fussing for me) he went in, sat down yawning and said to her "go back to sleep" in a stern voice. I poked my head around the corner and whispered "do that thing you do with her". Anyway he started swearing at me telling me to F off (in front of the child). I went in and told him to stop - DD crying and screaming for me at this point. so I told him not to worry and go back to bed. He went to the spare room and as I brought her in with me (in the back ground he was yelling out) I was so furious with him, I went to the bedroom to tell him how insensitive he was and he was still swearing at me. I had a glass with about 50 ml of water in it in my hand and so I threw it on him and told him he needed to cool down and control himself. Anyway this was a big mistake as he jumped out of bed yelling "you Bitch!" and chased me to the bedroom where DD was, he grabbed me by my clothes and shoved me forward and backward so I feel over on my back. DD was crying again crying out "mummy". I was terrified that she could see what was happening. My husband swearing and yelling at me at this point - grabbed me again and through to the hallway and I fell against the stair banister. I told him to get his hands off me and he stormed downstairs. I went back in to be with DD to calm her down - her heart and my heart was beating so fast it took me hours to get back to sleep. This morning he acknowledged that he was wrong for swearing but seemed to have a mental block for being physical. I told him that shoving me and pushing me around was wrong especially in front of dd. i also have a mark on my chest from his fingernails. He said that she only 2 so she wouldn't know - however i disagree and believe this should never happen. It has happened before a few times in our 7 years of marriage but he has never hit me. What do you think about this?

OP posts:
amillionyears · 22/02/2013 21:48

op, have you done anything else physically to him before?

ironhorse · 22/02/2013 22:22

you threw a glass of water on him - what do you expect? if you think his reaction was bad go to the pub tomrrow night and take a glass of water and throw it over someone and see what their reaction is... i suspect you will have a sore chin and nose and will be picking your teeth out your arse for a fortnight.

also read other threads where someone threw a little glass of water at her kids and every went mental but now the boot is on the other foot its her hubby thats at fault because he fought back - some people on here seem to want it both ways? you can have it like that, whats good for one is good for the other. some of the posts on here are unbelievably biased and bigoted.

kittybiscuits · 22/02/2013 22:34

Oh yes OP, anyone who throws water at someone deserves to get a battering...NOT!

ifso · 22/02/2013 22:35

So are you saying that this OP enjoys a fight with him then? Even if she gets assaulted by end of evening like recently? Doubt she really premeditated the water throwing. It takes two to fight like this yes, sel expression etc etc

but the physically stronger male ought to step back and not maintain the attack and let it end in scars on her chest. Agreed?

ifso · 22/02/2013 22:36

(My questions were to Ironhorse not you kitty)

ifso · 22/02/2013 22:40

Just think, this thread would never have happened if OP had moved the male out 4 mths ago after the arm twisting episode and we all wouldnt be sat here trying to justify a bully assaulting the mother of his child because oh she acted in haste first by tipping water over the arse's head

Ffs

Bogeyface · 22/02/2013 22:42

And Bogeyface by saying that she is responsible for his violence because she didn't shut the bedroom door, you are actually making her responsible for his violence.

At no point did I say she was to blame for what he did. At no point did I say the fault was hers for what he did.

I said that it COULD have ended when he went to the spare room. She COULD have spoken to him today about it and made her feelings clear about his attitude when she spoke to him (which was unacceptable). However it didn't end there.

She CHOSE to get a glass of water and follow him. She CHOSE to invade the space he had gone to in order to remove himself from an angry situation which, as I said, any anger management counsellor would tell him to do. She CHOSE to throw the water onto him, which constitutes assault under UK law and tell him that he needs to control himself (really?! Am I the only one getting the irony of that?!).

The fact that she did all of that doesnt mean that what he did was ok, it wasnt, it was absolutely wrong. However, if he had followed her to her bed, verbally abused her and thrown water in her face, would you be blaming her for hitting him back? No, I dont think you would. He tried to do the right thing after losing his rag and she kept on going. Thats why I said that they are both as bad as each other and need to do something asap for the sake of their poor little girl.

I do think that on MN it seems that simply by virtue of being a man it is assumed that he is in the wrong. Women can be aggressive abusers too you know!

practicality · 22/02/2013 22:44

I think she expects not to be verbally and physically abused and have her child witness this iron horse.

Wow I am astonished by your laissez-faire attitude. Have you read what happened 4 months prior to this?

You are saying his response was reasonable basically or indeed moderated given the 'provocation'? I think you have the attitude of a knuckle-dragger.

ifso · 22/02/2013 22:46

Crikey i once saw my always angry mother throw a glass of water over my teenage sisters face during yet another argument in the 'home' Was not aware it constituted assault under UK law useful info

Sorry thread hijack

Bogeyface · 22/02/2013 22:46

BTW, not saying she IS an aggressive abuser!

Just that being a vagina owner doesnt mean that we are always right.

What the OP did was wrong.

Him being wrong too doesnt make her right.

kittybiscuits · 22/02/2013 22:47

Thanks ifso, I realised that. Yes, practicality that! I thought we'd moved on from blaming the victim for provoking the abuser!?

Wingdingdong · 22/02/2013 22:48

I can't say anything about your relationship because I've never been in that situation, but DD is 3.7 and 3 or 4 times a week will mention things or incidents from well over a year ago. Last week she talked about a man who smiled and gave her a necklace - I was horrified until further details revealed she remembered a restaurant manager on holiday when she was 13m.

Don't underestimate children's memories. I have 3 strong (visual/emotional) memories of my grandfather who died when I was 2.2.

ifso · 22/02/2013 22:49

Did she claw his chest though or shake him near the bannisters or constantly swear at him?

Sounds like he upped the ante after the water incident, to her detriment

Bogeyface · 22/02/2013 22:49

Ifso it would usually come under "common assault" in UK law although it is unlikely that anyone would be prosecuted for that alone, it is more likely to be in addition to other charges.

Bogeyface · 22/02/2013 22:52

Ifso yes he did. I am not minimising what he did or blaming the OP for it. Equally, I am not minimising what she did!

She could have left him to it, but she chose to assault him. Its that simple.

kittybiscuits · 22/02/2013 22:58

classic deflection bogey

Bogeyface · 22/02/2013 23:01

Deflection of what?

I lived through an abusive relationship that included rape ffs. I know that an abuser will do what they want to do regardless. And in this case, he tried to leave the situation but she followed him and assaulted him.

THis happened to me many times, being followed and screamed at and having things thrown at me was not unusual. What she did was wrong.

It doesnt make what he did right, of course it doesnt. They are BOTH in the wrong and the only loser here is their daughter.

kittybiscuits · 22/02/2013 23:03

Yes bogey, the OP pointed that out herself at the beginning of the thread. Nothing justifies his actions though.

ifso · 22/02/2013 23:04

Or get this, if he really respected his home and offspring, he could have chosen to leave the dd's room before he started swearing at his wife in front of terrified dd?

But some posters think that OP would have still gone on to cause herself to get assaulted by provoking this delightful animal into a rage

Unbelievable female responses here this evening. Hmm

waltermittymissus · 22/02/2013 23:06

This relationship is not good or healthy and is by no means what your child should be brought up around.

Yes, he assaulted you. Yes, it is DV. But you've done it too.

When you're both at this kind of behaviour, it's time to end it.

I don't think you're coming across as sincere in your acknowledgment of your behaviour if I'm honest.

He is very likely to do it again. Are you?

ifso · 22/02/2013 23:09

Curious as to how OP is seen as an equal sparring partner in this if male let's face it knows he is physically stronger has upper hand? I dont get that part of it

Bogeyface · 22/02/2013 23:10

Kitty nothing justifies her actions either. Why are people so blind to that?

If an OP posted that her and her DH had a row where she swore at him and she went to bed, he followed her, verbally abused and threw water at her so she screamed at him and put him in a physically threatening position, who would they blame?

YOu know the answer and so do I.

waltermittymissus · 22/02/2013 23:11

I think the point is when it gets to a point where they're 'sparring' partners a split is the safest and most logical thing to do.

Bogeyface · 22/02/2013 23:12

Ifso no one is suggesting she deserved it. No one is saying that what he did was down to her.

What we are saying is that if you give it out you have to be prepared for a bad reaction! If he threw water in her face and she smacked him one, who's fault would it be?

waltermittymissus · 22/02/2013 23:13

She'd have been congratulated for standing up to him and we all know it.