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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling desperate about husbands affair

58 replies

Isabeth · 21/02/2013 22:03

I found out on Monday that my husband has gone back to an affair that he ended 18 months ago. I am devastated, he is very confused about what he wants and has moved out to try and work it out. He is not a bad person but has seriously lost his way am I crazy to even consider having him back?

OP posts:
EllaFitzgerald · 21/02/2013 22:19

Not crazy, no. You can't help how you feel. However, without wishing to sound harsh, has he said that he actually wants to come back? Were you able to have joint counselling 18 months ago?

sarahseashell · 21/02/2013 22:22

Sad sorry to hear this it's not fair on you.
sod what he wants - why not make the decision for him and tell him he can't come back? you deserve better

Original poster
Isabeth · 21/02/2013 22:30

I don't know what he wants but my guess is that he will go to her. I don't want him back unless it is what he wants but I also don't want to make his and her life easy by making that decision for him and sending him away to be with her. I want him to make that decision as he will find it very difficult and will really make him think about what he wants but there is a part of me that feels I have no respect for myself for even considering a future with him. I can't imagine a future without him for me and my girls but maybe I am just scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isabeth · 21/02/2013 22:35

No counselling and not enough talking he came back because he was scared I think and I could not face up to the fact that he was still thinking about her so did not face up to the reality. I wrongly thought that if I changed what had been wrong in our relationship it would all be ok but i now realise that he either had no closure from the relationship with her or she is who he really wants to be with. If we did not have kids it would be much easier but there is so much to loose.

OP posts:
SilverClementine · 21/02/2013 22:35

I admire your sensible approach at what must be a very hard time. You're not crazy at all for wanting him back, I think it sounds perfectly normal in the circumstances. It sounds like some space will do you all the world of good.

If he has gone back to her after an 18 month gap, it doesn't bode well i'm afraid. If he really does want to come back then he is really going to have to work at getting you back, and that is where your self esteem and respect come in. Please don't just accept him back if he comes tail between the legs. Make him prove he is committed through going to couples therapy or something like that. Otherwise you'll never know if he is just going to do it again. He needs to rebuild your trust.

Best of luck and a big hug from me x

Original poster
Isabeth · 21/02/2013 22:38

Thank you. This whole blogging thing is new to me but I feel like I am going crazy and need some advice! The upside is that I have not eaten for a week so feeling very thin!

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 21/02/2013 22:39

It's completely understandable and it's natural to be scared - it's the unknown. He'll also have totally worn down your self esteem with the affair and his dreadful behaviour. If he 'chooses' you you could be spending the rest of your life worrying he'll just do it again. If it was one of your girls in the situation I think you'd find the answer a fairly simple one. You've got to do what feels right for you though OP. There's lots of support available on here

Original poster
Isabeth · 21/02/2013 22:46

You have all said what I know is true and that is that if he has gone back after 18 months things are not looking good! you are also completely right that if it was my daughter i know what i would be telling them - it is no coincidence that i have not told my mum yet! My guess is that I will be on here again in a couple of days saying he has gone and where do I go from here. Thanks for such quick support x

OP posts:
TDada · 21/02/2013 22:56

Hi-I think that you have to find a way of feeling in control....not all the decisions are hers. You cannot afford to be 100pc the victim. Things will slowly get better once you start feeling likeyouhave some control and not completely at her mercy.

Original poster
Isabeth · 21/02/2013 23:07

I know I have lost all control of my own life and whatever happens it has got to be better than this if I get control back. Bizarrely I don't think the other woman has any control either and my husband has lost his self respect - I don't think anyone will win in the end. I think I know it is over so already trying to think about the future without him.

OP posts:
Wereonourway · 21/02/2013 23:21

So sorry op, I'm really not qualified to give any advice but just wanted to say how awful this must be and that you seem so dignified.
As others have said, stay strong, maybe tell your mum? You will need real life support I'd imagine.
I've never been in your situation but know that when my ex was abusive telling my mum was a huge hurdle but I'm so so thankful I did. Same goes for my dad. They have been hugely supportive and reassuring.
I wish you all the best x

TDada · 21/02/2013 23:23

Without meaning to trivialise, can I suggest that that you start by going for hairdo this weekend. Then exercise/ gym programme....start to define a new you where you are in control. Intense exercise will help you feel better.....I am fairly sure that if you can take little steps, you will soon be in the ascendency and he will be begging you to take him back.....and you maybe saying no thanks!

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 22/02/2013 00:41

Upset though you sound OP you do seem like you are doing incredibly well in the circumstances. Like you say maybe nobody will win here in the short term.

I think you're right to take some control. If he is lost he will never make a sensible decision anyway and you will be left floundering with someone weak. My XH was rather like this in many ways. In fact I remember being told that all decisions in the relationship would be mine by the counsellor. In the end I kicked him out but left it too long really.

Lueji · 22/02/2013 07:33

I'm with TDada
I'd assume he's gone.
There's no excusing cheating twice.
And his now knowing what he wants... He does. He wants the cake and to eat it.
Did he tell you or did you catch him?

First, he needs to know what he wants, then you have to decide if you want him back.
Make no promises now.
If you assume it's over now, you are not making their life easier.
He had an affair, so he wanted the status quo of the family. She probably didn't want him full time, and may well find out things are not that good in a full relationship.

Take care.

maleview70 · 22/02/2013 07:37

Have you got children?

TDada · 22/02/2013 07:59

Whether or not you decide to have him back you need to take control and move on. Btw this may make panic a little esp if he is weak and indecisive.

ErikNorseman · 22/02/2013 08:07

I understand not wanting to send him into her arms but really, the only sane course of action is to ask him to leave, at least while you collect your thoughts. If you make it too easy for him to stay then he probably will, while always keeping half an eye on the OW. If he stays with you it has to be because a) he's realised how much he loves and values you and is wiling to do whatever it takes to win your trust and b) you actually want him back. You may find neither of those things happen (at the same time at least).

Fairenuff · 22/02/2013 08:12

How did you find out that he was seeing her again, did he tell you? How do you know that he ever split up with her in the first place, they may have been in contact throughout those 18 months.

Sorry to be blunt but he hasn't been at all honest with you and you will probably never be able to trust him again. I understand that you don't want to 'make the decision for him' but I really think you should decide what you want first and let that be your guide.

How about counselling just for yourself, on your own, to help you work through what's happened and where to go from here?

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/02/2013 08:27

What happened last time? Did he feel the consequences of his cheating? If so, how or were things swept under the carpet?

Your only chance of saving the marriage is to take back control.

Tell him to go away and give you time and space to consider your options - loss is the only thing that may make him realise what he really stands to lose. As it is, he is eating his cake and getting the best of both worlds - a wife so desperate to keep him that she will do anything plus the OW....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/02/2013 08:28

He is very confused about what he wants and has moved out to try and work it out. He is not a bad person but has seriously lost his way

Confused he may be but it's you left picking up the pieces while he 'finds his way'. While he puzzles it all out you're left in limbo whilst taking care of your DDs. You may question whether the past year and a half has been all about rebuilding your relationship or shoring up his ego. The OW owes you nothing, it's his vows he's breaking. He shouldn't feel like you're prepared to have a swing door to your home and heart - now he's in, now he's off again.

Helltotheno · 22/02/2013 08:59

OP he's already voted with his feet. Effectively he hasn't chosen you and your DC because by having an affair in the first place, he chose someone else. If he wanted to be with you and your DC, if he valued what he had with you, he'd be with you. He isn't.

So in the meantime, he has two women dangling and treading on eggshells and hoping he'll choose them when you should be telling him to eff right off and get out of your life completely if he hasn't chosen to be in it completely. I'm sure you'll come to see that in time. Right now, he's probably pretty delighted to be having his cake and eating it. If you don't make a decisive stand, this is the way it'll continue.

It's about what you want OP, not what he wants.

fiventhree · 22/02/2013 09:22

I agree with HtTN.

He has all the power right now and I predict it will give him a bit of a shock if he loses it.

I also don't see how you could trust him if he had now done this twice. He flung away your trust the first time, and the second he really pissed on it.

Original poster
Isabeth · 22/02/2013 09:40

yes we have 2 kids aged 7 and 4 which is obviously what makes it so difficult. I found out he didn't tell me - he has got far too used to lying and deceit for that. It is very sad as it is really not who he is. He is a great Dad and a considerate generous person but ultimately has shown himself to be a selfish bastard that wants his cake and eat it. He does hold all of the power right now and yes it would do him good to loose it but actually we are here because he can't face up to the reality of what he wants so I am going to force him to go through that process rather than making the decision for him. To be honest I am struggling this morning and I think as far as I can get with taking control is not crying in front of my daughter.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 22/02/2013 09:45

He is 'confused'...?
About what....

I've been screwing someone else and my wife doesn't seem to like it....I'm confused

Or I can't just go about shagging whoever the hell I like without consequences...I'm confused.

I can't have a bit on the side and all the creature comforts of married life....I'm confused

Surely he's not that stupid. More likely translate 'I'm confused' for 'There is no explanation for this other than pure selfishness. I'll say I'm confused until this blows over. It worked the last time'

mummytime · 22/02/2013 09:49

Start planning for your life. Your DC seeing a few tears is not the end of the world, and could be good, as they will remember you were upset and showed it at this difficult time.

Gather the information you will need, details of money, legal documents etc. phone around to get a solicitors appointment and some legal advice.

Tell people!

Eat, drink, look after yourself.

Good luck.