Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Paying for sex

58 replies

JosMorgan · 21/02/2013 08:40

I have posted on here in the past about my 14 yrs marriage and the fact that my husband has a huge problem with sex or ANY form of intimacy, if I approach him we can succeed in the act, but its like being with a 12 yr old. I have tried everything, he has tried very little. Religion was a huge part of his growing up along with a very over bearing mother. Anyway that is not why I am posting this. I do not want my marriage to end, but I have needs. My thoughts are at the moment for me to pay for sex, but I have no idea where to start, my main concern is my safety. Pls do not reply if you are wanting to persuade me not to follow this course of action. I am at this point only thinking about it.
Where do I start, where do you got for recommendations?????

OP posts:

kalidanger · 21/02/2013 08:52

The internet.

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2013 10:52

Why are you so desperate to keep the marriage going?

If you pay for sex now, you'll pay for it for the rest of your life! How often do you want sex? You can't afford to pay that many times!

I flinched when you said he was like a 12 year old. It must be really, really awful, particularly as he doesn't seem capable of change.

Do you really want a life without intimacy and sex unless you have to pay someone for it?

I'm not saying don't pay for it. You wouldn't have to online, god knows, anyway. It's just that what women get from sex, the intimacy, the closeness, the lying together afterwards, you wouldn't get that if you paid, would you? You'd get a massage, the physical act of sex, an orgasm, but he wouldn't kiss you and tell you you were fantastic and he loved you, would he?

I think you should rethink your marriage if it's got to the point where you need to pay someone to do what your husband should do.

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2013 11:00

I've just read your other thread where you concluded he could be asexual. However, someone points out that if he's masturbating regularly, he's unlikely to be asexual. Do you know if he uses porn?

I remember someone on here talking about the way porn makes it impossible for men to have normal sex, something about the "wanker's grip" was mentioned! If he grew up in a very religious home but with normal sexual feelings, he may well have used porn online to satisfy himself.

The other thing is that with porn, quite normal sites link to awful sites - I remember when I looked at a site my son had been on - it was something like boobs.com and there were links to sex with animals. There's always one step further in porn and that's one thing I find very unhealthy about it.

Just a thought.

LeoniPoni · 21/02/2013 11:10

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to have gotten to this point.

There's no judgement here from me because it's normal you want some physical attention. But I would definitely be concerned about your safety. Both from attacks, sexual health and being taken advantage of financially.

Ending a marriage isn't something I'd just start recommending but if you do decide to stay in your marriage that is not fully satisfying you then perhaps you could think about ways to try and satisfy yourself? I know you wouldn't have to the benefit of another person but I'm unsure how fulfilling a paid sexual partner would be.

mirry2 · 21/02/2013 11:14

Why not try internet dating? There must be lots of men out there......

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2013 11:19

Hi Jos my heart goes out to you. I don't know about this, so can't advise, other than saying that I guess the options would be 'male escort' type sites, or I guess 'no strings sex' for married people type sites. I think you deserve so much more than this, but maybe paying for sex is a place to start to think about your own needs. Either this will make things managable for you, or open up that you need to move on and have the possiblility of a fulfilling adult relationship. I hope someone comes along who can advise you properly re what you are asking.

SonOfAradia · 21/02/2013 11:25

Overuse of porn can seriously affect your sex life with your actual partner. Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt back in the mid-late 90s when I first got a broadband connection. I'm sure I appeared asexual and/or secretly gay to my wife during that time, too. In fact I know I did as she accused me (fairly loudly) of exactly that on the Piccadilly Line between Osterley and Hounslow East in 1999.

It is possible to recover, but he needs to want to. I managed to get myself out of it with the love and patience of the aforementioned lovely woman.

Dahlen · 21/02/2013 11:38

I know you don't want to be dissuaded, but there are other ways to get sex outside of your marriage that don't involve paying a stranger and putting yourself at such serious risk.

Personally, though, I think the solution is to get your DH to address the problem. If he won't, then that says a lot about how important he sees you and your needs in the marriage, and do you really want to stay with someone who accords you such little regard?

PurityBrown · 21/02/2013 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purrpurr · 21/02/2013 11:54

The solution to a sexless marriage isn't always to end the blasted thing. I've been in a sexless relationship, then marriage, for 5 years. I love my DH too much to destroy him and me by ending the relationship simply because I have a physical need that has to be met occasionally. And it is a need, not a want. It's only a want for so long before it either becomes a desperate need - a libido is a real thing - or it dies a horrible death.

I wouldn't suggest you look at paying for sex, but discuss with your DH the possibility of an open marriage, which would introduce a level of safety into the equation that would not be there if you had to do this 'undercover' so to speak. Your DH may not be happy to discuss an open marriage. I'm not sure mine would be right now. But part of the issue is respect. If he's a 12-year old when it comes to sex (mine is even younger than that) does he have the emotional maturity to recognise the place of sex within a marriage, and what may need to happen if it is absent permanently? I presume you've tried toys etc to keep yourself 'ticking over' as it were? My DH giggles like a small child when he finds my toys, but they keep me going. Luckily for me, I can still vividly remember being with two previous partners who were all about the sex, every night of the week, but were incredibly unsuitable partners for me in other ways - abusive, neglectful, in some ways. So I can still say to myself, 'no, you got the good guy, you just need to take care of your needs.' It is lonely though. So many women still see the female orgasm as something that is entirely optional. A lot of men believe that, still, as well. It's sickening.

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2013 12:03

Purity, if you read the OP's other thread, they did try therapy.

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2013 12:05

purity did you mean to show such callous regard to the OP's feelings? How do you rate the chance of getting a partner who won't do any kind of intimacy, into therapy?

perplexedpirate · 21/02/2013 12:08

Isn't there a website for married dating (pretty sure it's for sexy times, rather than actual dates!). Maybe try that.
If you don't have any luck on there I bet there's someone who can point you in the right direction.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/02/2013 12:10

It would cheaper to use one of the dating sites for married people seeking discreet NSA sex. Male sex workers who take women clients are often high-end, intelligent, capable of taking good care of themselves (WRT sexual health) but this also means that they will charge you several hundred pounds a session; unless you are very wealthy and have a source of money your H doesn't know about or something, this could lead to problems.

Angelfootprints · 21/02/2013 12:12

What does your dh think about you paying for sex?

If he doesn't know and approve then you are cheating. Cheating is not the answer.

Devendra · 21/02/2013 12:14

fabswingers.com its free

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2013 12:14

Physical needs are very important OP. I am glad you value yours enough to know that it's okay to do something about them not being met.

Angelfootprints · 21/02/2013 12:17

Wow. Be amazed to see the responses if the genders were swapped.

PurityBrown · 21/02/2013 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VoiceofUnreason · 21/02/2013 12:24

Angel - I agree, the responses would, on the whole, be markedly different.

kittybiscuits · 21/02/2013 12:26

Purity...I'd love to know more about congitive dissonance.

I'd take the same view re a couple of any gender, to be honest. I think physical needs are important. When a person has taken all the steps it's reasonable to take to resolve things, then they have a right to decide what to do about it. There have been other threads on MN where both men and women have been in non sexual relationships, and the non sexual partner has said 'I understand that you have needs and you can do what you need to do to meet them'. It's not a war of the genders. If you respect and care about your partner, you should be concerned if they are unhappy at the complete absence of a sexual relationship and the impact this could have on them.

Dahlen · 21/02/2013 12:28

Prostitution is an ugly trade, involving trafficking, coercion, abuse and exploitation. However, there is a marked difference in risk for male prostitutes compared to female prostitutes, and the main dangers for male prostitutes comes from male punters. You cannot compare a woman seeking to pay for sex with a man seeking to do the same. They are incomparable. Which is not to say that either is ok, because in my book they are not.

Angelfootprints · 21/02/2013 12:37

Right. And it will do wonders for the OP already battered self esteem to know she had to sink as low as hiring a prostitute wont it?

Yeah, this is really great long- term solution, bound to magically solve everything.

OP I know you don't want as to dissuade you, but those who really care will be telling you this is a really, really bad idea.

Hopingtobehappy · 21/02/2013 13:06

'I'm appalled that your solution to this involves renting another human's body for a few hours. Have a bit more respect for other people, your partner and yourself. If you want sex, and please don't confuse 'want' with 'need', you won't die from lack of sex, then find yourself a no-strings or swinging site'

This saddens me a lot :-(

Of course you wont 'die' from lack of sex. You wont die from a lot of things but that doesnt mean that you have to just put up with it.

I was in a sexless marriage for a lot of years and it is awful. You feel unloved, unwanted, unattractive, unneeded.

As someone else has pointed out, libido is a very real thing and it doesnt last forever, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to feed it (and enjoy it!)

OP sorry I dont have any answers, but I dont think that you should pay for sex, try and find someone who doesnt want long term strings attached, maybe for a 'friends with benefits' situation

LeoniPoni · 21/02/2013 13:21

I think ideally Hopingtobehappy's "friends with benefits" or one of the sites for married people would be a safer option, perhaps talking to like minded people would help as well as the sex?

Please always let someone know where you're going and what's going on though. Meeting someone you don't know has risks so best to minimise them when possible.

Flip

1 2 3