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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has decided to divorce as does not love me

90 replies

Moanranger · 17/02/2013 20:40

25 year marriage & kids now leaving home. H has always been a tricky customer, no DV or infidelity but hard to please, furtive, introvert. I feel I have tied myself up in knots trying to make him happy, but we are now at end of line. Just told 19 year old son, who offered me a hug & I blurted out "I just want to be with someone who treats me nicely" Says it all really. If no man will, then at least I'll have my friends & not have to be around such a downer. Pointless post, really. Hug from DS nice, though.

OP posts:
frustratedworkingmum · 17/02/2013 20:42

A new start for you - bittersweet but exciting, in a way. You'll be ok

MrsBradleyJames · 17/02/2013 20:45

Even though it's clearly been a hard marriage I am sure it still feels scary and a huge step. But you can go forward into the next chapter of your life with your head hekd high. You have provided your childen with a stable home, and now it is your time, and there are so many opportunities out there for a busy and fulfilling life x

MrsBradleyJames · 17/02/2013 20:45

Held high not hekd. Cant type on tablet!

sleepingsatellite18 · 17/02/2013 20:48

Not a pointless post, it's a big thing and you need to talk about your feelings x
Glad your son was supportive and made you feel a little bit better. How many children do you have?
Agree with a PP, think of it is as exciting, a new start. Have you ever found yourself missing out on things because you were trying to please him? Focus on yourself now...put yourself first x

Here's a hug from me too (probably not as nice as your sons!) xx

Original poster
Moanranger · 17/02/2013 20:51

Thanks so much. What I needed to hear. Prided myself on keeping marriage going when so many divorce. Would have been our silver this year. Oh, well. But so nice not to have to bend over backwards for an ingrate. I have an active & fulfilling life. Just breathe....

OP posts:
Original poster
Moanranger · 17/02/2013 20:52

Have DD 21, DS is 19.

OP posts:
Joy5 · 17/02/2013 21:19

Hi was in the same boat 18 months ago, husband announced the end of our marriage out of the blue. Struggled big time in t, he months before he finally left, and the following year, but now i'm coming out the other side. Can't say life is better, its just different and not the path i'd have chosen, but i have a fantastic relationship with my sons, spent Christmas and our first birthday yesterday without the ex (divorce absolute came in the post on Friday so hes officially an ex), his choice not to play a part, and we did it, and had a fantastc time.
It might be hard to start with, but you'll get there, and if i can do it, anyone can!

Original poster
Moanranger · 17/02/2013 22:10

Just thinking about things I won't miss re H - grumpy/ paranoic stuff: e.g. In bank, had to wait longer than he liked, got shouty/rude with staff - comes home explaining all this & I am supposed to sympathise?! Well, if anything, I would sympathise with bank staff. Drinks too much, has v poor liver enzyme levels & is complete denial. Man has and never had any small talk : when we eat out, sit there in silence trying to prise any conversation out of him. We go to movies, & he almost never likes/ has anything good to say about any of them. I could go on - will keep thinking & report back.
Easter kids with me & if he asks to join in - NO WAY!

OP posts:
tribpot · 17/02/2013 22:45

To be honest - this sounds brutal but if he's drinking himself into decline you're better off leaving him before he needs looking after. Don't wait for the next trap of obligation for people who are too nice to put their own needs first!

AnyFucker · 17/02/2013 22:49

This might seem kinda strange, but i would like to congratulate you

Very soon, when you get your new lease of life, you will thank him for this

Imagine...as you head towards your Empty Nest what should have been an opportunity for both of you to connect more, you would have been left alone with a boring, miserable and increasingly physically-needy man who has never respected you

Send him a thank you card, and get on with the rest of your life. I reckon some exciting times are just around the corner for you. For him ? Not so much...

Original poster
Moanranger · 17/02/2013 23:17

Yeah, the whole drinking thing is likely to blow up sooner than later. His liver enzymes are off the chart, but because his liver doesn't scan as enlarged, he thinks he is fine and dandy. We shall see.
Also, another thing I won't miss is his involvement in my business. The business is successful, due to me, but he has screwed up the taxes big time & is totally unsupportive of my ( v successful) business strategy.

OP posts:
tribpot · 17/02/2013 23:26

Sounds like you needed to tell him to bog off - out of your business affairs at least - quite some time ago. No time like the present! This does not sound like a 25th anniversary worth hanging around for.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2013 23:27

Just tell him to fuck right off

he brings nothing to your life

and, in fact, detracts from it

Dottiespots · 17/02/2013 23:32

Hi Moanranger, you seem to be taking this rather well....? To be honest he doesnt seem like a man worth trying to keep or win back does he. Sometimes it is just a mid life crises (alot of the time thats what it is) but if it is....would you seriously ,after all you have said, want him back . The other ladies are correct you can have a much better happier life without him.

catsrus · 18/02/2013 07:25

moanranger well done and here's to the rest of your life :-) last year I was sipping wine in a lovely museum cafe (ex hated museums) flicking through its magazine - having a lovely day - when I realised it would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. I had been separated just over a year at that point and divorced for 8 months. I had forgotten Smile but decided that I would go to a museum every year on that day and do the things he hated.

Our divorce was not particularly acrimonious - but I am so much happier on my own! Be warned though - it can be very hard on older children, it challenges their view of the world and they worry that any happy memories are all false. I have worked hard to tell mine that it was not all a lie and events of the last few years don't wipe out the truth that we were very happy once.

catsrus · 18/02/2013 07:31

Oh - and the 'I don't love you but there's no-one else' script is common - if he's used it then it will probably be a lie, be prepared for someone to emerge from the wings - and be grateful that she came along. Get good legal advice on splitting assets, he may want a share of your business as a marital asset.

ledkr · 18/02/2013 07:35

Op it was the best thing that ever happened to me when my 18 yr marriage ended.
Granted it was hard at first but I have done more and been happier in the last 10 yrs than I ever did with old selfish arse.
Make some lovely plans and don't rush to meet someone just enjoy being yourself and not having to try and please anyone else but your self.
You will have a ball.

ledkr · 18/02/2013 07:38

Hrs also looking as if he will eventually get ill from drink. The symptoms of that won't be pleasant to deal with.
If he has a new woman then good luck to her with the washing Hmm

saintlyjimjams · 18/02/2013 07:45

Goodness it sounds as if he's done you a favour.

What have you always wanted to do but didn't because it would have annoyed him? Go right ahead & do it!

GinAndT0nic · 18/02/2013 07:46

I agree. from now on no more trying hopelessly to please him. congratulations are on order.
it is lovely just suiting yourself. once the adjustment and the change is behind u , you will be better off.

fieldfare · 18/02/2013 07:51

It really sounds as if you're going to be so much better off! Focus on your business (get legal advice, he may want a share of this in the divorce financials), your children and yourself.

LemonDrizzled · 18/02/2013 08:06

moanranger your STBX sounds as miserable as mine. I left him 29 months ago and life is good! The DC were hurt, angry and upset, but their lives are moving onward and upward with university and friends and they are just pleased to have two happy parents apart. The atmosphere had become toxic before I left. He found someone new within three months...

See this as a chance to make over your life. What ambitions has family life held you back from? Where would you like to travel to? What sports do you enjoy? Have you old friends to chase up?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2013 08:16

"Prided myself on keeping marriage going when so many divorce. "

Sadly, a lot of women make the mistake of thinking that there's some kind of award available for staying married against all odds. Divorce is so often a liberation, not a sign of failure. Transfer 25 years of wasted energy and emotion into making a better life where you take #1 priority for a change and you will thoroughly enjoy it. Good luck

Original poster
Moanranger · 18/02/2013 09:22

CES - good point, I am much more hung up on that than actually losing him. I actually started doing what I wanted a few months ago, which he of course doesn't like but it feels so good! I wouldn't give that up for the world. What I seriously won't miss are his rants and dumping all his disgruntlement with the world on me.
Little internal words I had for him IYKWIM - "old miseryguts" and "piss and moan..."
I like the idea of celebrating anniversaries by doing something he really hated.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/02/2013 09:28

Well tbh, doesn´t sound like any loss...