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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H has decided to divorce as does not love me

90 replies

Moanranger · 17/02/2013 20:40

25 year marriage & kids now leaving home. H has always been a tricky customer, no DV or infidelity but hard to please, furtive, introvert. I feel I have tied myself up in knots trying to make him happy, but we are now at end of line. Just told 19 year old son, who offered me a hug & I blurted out "I just want to be with someone who treats me nicely" Says it all really. If no man will, then at least I'll have my friends & not have to be around such a downer. Pointless post, really. Hug from DS nice, though.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2013 10:05

Having wasted only 6 years married to a 'miseryguts' ... who was also aided and abetted by alcohol funnily enough ... I was initially very upset when everything ended but, in the 18 years that have gone by since, I can only look back and wonder why a) I ever thought it was OK for someone to behave that way and b) why I stuck it out so long.

BTW.... others have said it but don't be surprised if there's someone else behind his decision to quit. My exH once told me that the girlfriend 'doesn't mind how much I drink... she's not as big a killjoy as you'. Wonder if he's dead yet? :)

G1nAndT0nic · 18/02/2013 11:29

Yes, these glass-half-full types who sap the joy out of everything, they turn around and blame you for their not being happy. I used to be happy until I heard his key in the door fgs.

Original poster
Moanranger · 18/02/2013 11:31

Appointment made with solicitor for tomorrow morning. Opening a bank account this afternoon.

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G1nAndT0nic · 18/02/2013 11:32

Yes Cog, I wondered that too. I think the answer was partly a desire to be conservative and to conform. I hadn't the confidence back then to be the one single salmon swimming upstream while everybody else was getting engaged/married having children. And 2) I knew I had settled out of a desire to appear to be happy, so when I wasn't actually happy I blamed myself for not having prioritised being happy over appearing to be happy. I have my priorities totally re-ordered now.

G1nAndT0nic · 18/02/2013 11:34

Moanranger, good for you. So happy for you. You can have toast with hummous and prosecco for supper if you bloody well want to. Total control of the tv. YES (in my case) some financial obstacles and concerns, but I have valued and enjoyed having 100% control over less than half as much money. Having control over less than half as much has given me so much freedon. I splurge where I want to splurge and I penny pinch where I want to penny pinch. Before, all choices about what to splurge on and what to PP on were dictated by him.

G1nAndT0nic · 18/02/2013 11:35

Although, you haven't mentioned that he's a tightwad! Why am I assuming that!?

go and buy yourself one of those mini bottles of champagne and drink it in front of him. Smile at him really calmly like your worries are finally alleviated!

Original poster
Moanranger · 18/02/2013 11:46

He isn't a tightwad but very peculiar about money. He is obsessed with paying no more than basic rate tax for example, which I find odd ( and also got us into big trouble with HMRC which we are only now concluding.)
Not sure drinking in front of him quite the thing to do. At the moment I am saying as little as possible to him as one of my "roles" was to be a sounding board to his rants. Someone else can do that now - who, I do not care!

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G1nAndT0nic · 18/02/2013 12:03

You must be exhausted after supporting him and his dissatisfaction all these years.

Has he noticed that you're not exactly devastated? or, not as upset as he thinks you ought to be.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2013 12:09

"He is obsessed with paying no more than basic rate tax for example"

You described someone originally who was very abrasive/aggressive, seemed to have a fairly inflated view of his own importance and believes the world is against him. (All big red flags btw) That often goes hand in hand with thinking that taxes are just something other (little) people pay... .... He wouldn't be from a privileged background would he? Public school, family money, that kind of thing?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2013 12:12

You might find some of the content of this article has more than a few klaxons going off.

Original poster
Moanranger · 18/02/2013 12:24

CES actually he does not come from a privileged background, family was rather left wing. There is a fundamental anti-authoritarian thing he has, and he has done some weird stuff in companies when he didn't get on (nearly always the case) with his boss.

In terms of agressive, I would call him passive agressive. He would appear very reserved/self-possessed, and not assertive. I am assertive, in that when customer service is not what I like, I will politely and smilingly ask for what I want. He would simmer and then explode.

I will look at article.

He wants what he wants. I waited ten years to get freedom to do what I want and move to a place I found more agreeable - and he knew this was my intention, and I accomodated his desires all that time - as soon as I did so, he is off. No compromise on his part.

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AnyFucker · 18/02/2013 12:25

that is a good article

Original poster
Moanranger · 18/02/2013 12:31

CES Now read article - he would score on, resentment, superiority, pettiness and BIG TIME on deceit. This is the furtiveness I mentioned in my first post. I did not realise how central this was to his behaviour until we had been married quite awhile. It was a core area where our values differed. I am a huge believer in doing the right thing and being honest, and that is a foreign country to him. But he is the one who will suffer the most, not me, I will now be free!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2013 12:31

@AF... I like the article because it's not talking about 'abuse' per se (very emotive) but the little warning signs and idiosyncracies of someone who, even when seemingly on best behaviour in the initial phases of a relationship, can give themselves away as being a potential problem in the future.

@Moanranger... When it comes to being anti-authoritarian IME I've found very left-wing and very right-wing types have very similar attitudes. In their world rules (like taxes) are something that only applies to others.

Stormfromeast · 18/02/2013 17:59

Moanranger, I am not making excuses for your DH, but reads like he's got Aspergers. Is he?

Kione · 18/02/2013 18:32

not much I can add, but congratulations on having such a nice son!

Original poster
Moanranger · 18/02/2013 18:50

Yes, thanks, re son. He is kind.
storminteresting that you picked up AS like behaviour. I don't think he has it, as it would excuse what I think is bad behaviour. One oddity about him is he cannot for the life of him describe people. Really struggles with that.
Tonight he tried to make conversation with me - I am one of the few people he talks to, sort of his sounding board to the world. I was civil but not encouraging.
Factoid: his sister said he spoke not a word til 3 and only to her! My DS spoke early.

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Stormfromeast · 18/02/2013 19:16

Moan, has he done a test for a AS diagnosis. Even if he has, you shouldn't have to put up with the bad behaviour. But it might help him come to terms and who knows, he might do something about it. My husband of 25 years has AS traits but only just done a test and confirmed. He's not as difficult as what you described yours. Strangely, he spoke his first word around 3 years old - and it was Brontosauras!

Dottiespots · 18/02/2013 19:29

So how do you honestly feel about the possibility of him having an other woman and having maybe been cheating though.

Original poster
Moanranger · 18/02/2013 20:47

angel yes, that has occurred to me, but frankly now, I don't care. He is not really the cheating type, but who knows. Read my title: once he said this, then I thought all bets are off. He really reneged on a long term promise, as it would have changed the dynamic from me compromising to him having to, and he wouldn't.
I see the lawyer tomorrow, and the key issue for me will be to get him out of the business with the least cost to me. I am sure he has not thought thru the implications of this. I imagine he thought he could just continue being involved in it post-divorce. No way - this gives me a chance to get him out.
I now have a separate bank account.

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fiventhree · 18/02/2013 21:02

Hmmm...... Left wing men.

(Puts cream on past scars)

But seriously , what an uplifting thread. I so hope for the best of everything for you.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2013 21:06

Moan, you sound switched on

Good luck with it all x

Original poster
Moanranger · 18/02/2013 21:44

Thank you, all. This thread has been a big help & I don't feel alone in this. I just went in his room to get a pen - stank of wine.

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Dottiespots · 18/02/2013 22:54

Good luck . Come back if you need to chat.

Original poster
Moanranger · 19/02/2013 12:38

Have just seen lawyer - 1 time meeting = £300. Full divorce package =£10k+ - yikes!! Big problem is valuing company we own.
It was interesting explaining our marriage to a lawyer and brings home all of the work I put in and how little he contributed. Rather sad - I think I tended to block that out.
I am going to have to speak to him tonight, not looking forward to it. I did not know grounds for divorce were so limited - I thought there was some sort of irreconcilable differences category, but will possibly have to go for unreasonable behaviour. Unless he has been unfaithful and wants to admit to it. Awkward conversation tonight. He has access to bank accounts and I will need to make it clear that he is not to touch any money without my permission.

I was very tearful and upset Sunday night, but not last night - just gloomy and down.

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