Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

And mine never started a conversation - I was always the one who raised my issues when I felt desperate/brave enough about him. He would immediately riposte with blaming me for doing something similar and so it would go on.

I have a suspicion that I sometimes raised an issue, even knowing how it would go, just to have any sort of conversation with him.

Today it feels like I am having constant flashbacks to events in my past where I was utterly at my wits end with this man.

I went to IBIZA in my late teens, loved the atmosphere and spirit there and most people who have been will know that it is house music central.

Well my partner has been in the music industry before, and of course he knows all there is to know about the type of music they play in IBIZA even though he has never been there.

Once I was listening to the Ministry of Sound album and I said " Oh this reminds me of my holiday in IBIZA" to which he replied "they dont play this sort of music over there" I said, " yes they do, I have been there and this is what I heard over there" I was then met with silence. I mean, I used to find myself questioning whether I actually did hear that type of music there or whether it really was me imagining things.

How barmy

Towards the end, whatever I said, a comment about a TV programme or an item of news, he would immediately say something contradictory. And if I was at all persuaded of his argument, he would still find a way to disagree!

I got so I could spot those quite easily, twas a sort of specialist FW bingo

Oh blimey SilveryCat, my FW does the same! Whenever I do get the strength to bring something up, he will always find something where I have done the same and we go round and round and it becomes tit for tat tit for tat.

I would always come away from these discussions feeling like nothing was resolved.

Oh, and would any of you consider this to be abusive? The other day he said to me, " ER, you have been through some really bad times in your life, I think it is terrible that people have done this to you " but then later on in the day he said " you like to play the victim, it's always about how you feel " So I replied " But earlier on today, you said you thought it was bad that people have treated me poorly in the past, He replied, " yes that's right, but you do like to play the victim "

Someone please explain what he meant, because I am confused

Meant to say, I take his reasoning to be 'Silver has said it, therefore it must be wrong!'

he's completely entitled to contradict himself and still be right, see?

yy, darned confusing and infuriating, more slippery than an eel

Silivery It's astounding the similarities between our FW, really it is. My partner is always quick to tell me that something is wrong.

I really, really, cant talk about normal affairs with my partner without him going off into some conspiracy theory. He is 'anti-establishment'. There is a conspiracy for everything. Conversations can become very interesting. When I was 21, his alternative attitude to life endeared me to him but now at the grand old age of 26, I am tired. And this man would rather talk about the Queen being a reptile as opposed to finding ways he can support the family financially.

FW's favourite conversations.

Princess Diana's death was a murder. HSBC bank is part of a drug ring, Beyonce is part of the illumnati as well as Jay-Z, Britney spears is a victim of mind control 'how apt', he also believes in Eugenics, he thinks there will be a New World Order, he also thinks that 911 was a set up by the US government, Maddie was killed by her parents, Ian Huntley didn't kill those girls, no one needs to pay TV license and on and on it goes...

According to him, he is a realist but if I challenge him on these beliefs I get 'That's not the way it is' But I will reply with 'But you don't know any of these things for sure, you just read it on a website?'

No wonder, I spend my life in a continual state of exhaustion and I have no idea what my reality is anymore.

My ex was not of the calm variety. far far from it. he would go from silent to screaming in seconds. the neighbours must be so relieved now he isn't about. I used to shout back but latterly had stuck to being the calm one. made no difference to him but it was better for me.

he also liked to accuse me of feeling sorry for myself even though he was the world champion at oh poor me. I am now tough as nails in most situations where I might be tempted to wallow and just get up and get on with it (have actually been told in counselling that this is not necessarily the best approach) but I still say glass half full and you gotta laugh dint ya (sometimes i like to evoke my inner pluckey cockney )

he also said recently about one his friends whose wife binned him off (with good grounds I might add) 'oh he used to speak to her in a way that was just shocking' and I thought really!? [hmn] must have been bad if it made your misogyny radar ping.

did I say [hmn] I meant

minkembra they always seem to have an opinion on someone else's relationship dont they? I am starting to realise that my partner hardly says anything good about women..

How do you feel now that he is not around, are you feeling a lot better?

At least my FW wasn't a conspiracy theorist - funnily enough that would have been a deal-breaker very early on

Rose, mine would accuse me of being a victim and enjoying putting myself in a victim role too. I think it just means that they will say whatever they want, usually whatever will get them what it is they want at that time (to be nice to you or to put you down). That is how they get away with being entirely contradictory!

Mine also had fairly strongly held views that no-one else (ie me) was allowed to disagree with. In fact, if I disagreed, I was often 'siding' against him deliberately.

mink - my FW was also v v shouty, but could put on the calm exterior for effect when it was me losing it. That's the thing - they can turn it on and off as it suits (that's why it's bollocks if they say they can't control themselves - the very essence of it is that they do control it, and use for their own benefit). I have read about the police being called to a DV incident and the man being very calm and saying she's completely mad, and there is the woman shaking and incoherent after being abused, so it's the calm, sane-seeming man that the police believe.

My partner loves to call the police out on me :-( He has done it twice, the last time 7 police officers turned up. 5 waited in the car outside and 2 came upstairs (I live in a flat). I am 5 foot 3, hardly a brick sh*thouse. Only god knows what he must have told them for 7 police officers to turn up, I was terrified that this would be a kiss goodbye to my career.

I was upset and hysterical and may have chucked a few books around the room in frustration but apparently he was scared for his life.

Also, according to him, the police had asked him if 'he wanted to press charges' but he politely declined. Funny how 2 years ago he was arrested for punching me in the head, breaking his hand as a result. He had called himself an ambulance but when the ambulance found out the cause of the injuries they called the police on my behalf. The police arrested him, he spent the night in a cell and was cautioned. But, even now he blames me for this incident and said I hit him first, talk about rewriting the script I have an entirely different perception of that day. Although he does claim to be sorry.

Why does all this stuff just keep coming and coming :-( Sorry to keep going on everyone, just feels better to get it out.

x

ER do let it out. this is the place for it because no one here is going to doubt what you say or try to encourage you to just put up with it and that is what makes it such a relief. just to be listened to and actually heard.

and yes I do feel better now that he is not around. there is a lot of adjusting to do and I still see him when he comes to see the kids (which is ok). But life is generally much less frustrating.

that was the main thing- life with him was just frustrating and disappointing and emotionally wearing. He was exasperating. I wasn't scared and I had my independence (other than finding childcare) but I just never knew where I stood. It is tough having to do everything single handed but it was tougher doing everything single handed whilst he sat on his bum or nagging him to help out or being made to feel like I owed him because he had done my the massive favour of actually looking after his own kids. I was just sick of being sworn at.

Basically (the odd rant aside), I am gradually shedding all the resentment and unease that were the defining features of my life before.

minkembra, thank you for replying.

I am glad you are feeling better without him. From what you have written, it seems like you feel free, free from all of the frustration..? I think for me that's what I look forward too, just not feeling exasperated and a crying, screaming, mess on the floor.

My FW on the other hand, would be quite happy to cook, clean, wash, iron and for a long time I have felt like I should be grateful but my FW does not support me financially, never has and dare I say it will be surprised if he supports me financially if I decide to leave. He doesn't want to work, he would rather be 'outside enjoying the sunshine' in his words. Don't we all, but that's not the way life is for us, why he hasn't accepted that this is the way society is, as in, we hav to work to pay bills and buy food etc is beyond me, especially since he is nearly 40.

He considers himself to be my carer now. Because I have been so depressed he has done the lion share of chores and care for my daughter but now I am thinking he was a MAJOR contibuting factor to my depression and my reason for not wanting to get out of bed most days...talk about cause and effect.

He has just come back from his interview, and I basically said I don't want to be with him anymore and that's that. It just sort of, came out..
I explained the reasons for wanting to be a single mum now and there was a lot of nasty glares from him. He eventually said " you know what will make me happy, if you pack your bags leave and take that child with you"

My response, I just laughed. I am actually surprised at my strength. Half an hour later he is playing with our daughter and said he only went for the interview for us. I said 'for you, you mean, the job will be good for you because I wont be here' He is now sitting at the table quiet and brooding. Joy.

I am glad I said what I had to say though, because he tried to instantly do the tit for tat thing again and I am just not interested. He has an excuse, answer for everything and it is always someone else's fault (mostly mine).

Ha ER I had the "it's all about you, everything's all about you, blah blah blah" only this morning! This is because for the third time in 10 years of having dcs, I planned to take my two to DM's overnight. Can you imagine the cheek I have - truly evil and selfish, aren't I .

YY to effing boring conspiracy theories! God he's a bore about it and quite frankly not all that intelligent or grounded on actual facts. Just lots of hysterical ranting, YAWWWWWWN!!

Today unfortunately I have high temp and feeling dreadful so may have to cancel trip to dm's tomorrow morning the trip was my stand against him as well as a nice thing to do obviously. Now the fecker will think he's won. Idiot (sorry, bit ranty due to temp and poorly tummy!)

We appear to have found the one area where FW's differ!! There are clearly two subspecies - the silent and moody one, and the angry shouting one.

I have a silent one. He rarely shouts. If I upset him I get the silent treatment or one word answers. I'm not shouty either so our house is quite quiet when DD is in bed

But yy to being unable to discuss issues. If I dare to bring up something that I'm not happy with the standard reply is "oh yes, it's all my fault as usual" said in a really sarcastic way. And then that's it, end of discussion, silence until he deigns to speak to me again.

No real changes with me. Still desperately trying to get hold of his phone so I can photograph the texts I saw and really hoping they are still there. Actually considering tiptoeing into his room and stealing it at night when I think he's asleep. Is that crazy? The only thing stopping me is I can't think of a reason fro being there if I did disturb him (and he is a light sleeper).

My goal is to have actually have spoken to a solicitor before the end of this thread. Not too scary, I think I can achieve if and now I've said it I have to,

Oh the silent treatment. My FW is adamant that he never gives silent treatment, apparently he is just thinking. Well that's all well and good, but he chooses to do his thinking by sitting next to me on the bed and staring at the wall for like an hour. Very uncomfortable and intimidating, he would never own up to that though. Other examples of silent treatment have been glaring at me, with a snarl and heavy breathing......all in the name of thinking. Yep, that figures.

noonelistens I'm not sure what to suggest with regards to the phone thing. I suppose you could say if he woke up, you couldn't sleep (for whatever reason) and wanted to have a chat, you knocked and he didn't answer so you came in to wake him up. Gaslight the fecker, why not these men are experts at it.

In other news, I had a nap and upon waking he is now a changed man. He has sorted out the bills, yes you heard right, ' he made a few calls' apparently. At first, his 'made a few calls' statement sounded like he was trying to insinuate that he was making arrangements to move out, but when I didn't respond he elaborated further and said 'Oh I called British Gas'...He then went on to apologise for his 'mean and spiteful words earlier' The one where he told me to pack my bags, this is VERY unusual for him to say sorry on his own accord. I just said, 'that's fine, I am used to it but I accept your apology'.

Wondering whether this is a case of too little too late and if I have already mentally checked out.

Hi all, it's me. Sorry I'm not replying to anyone elses posts. Only got in half an hour ago and H is giving me the sad moody him.

I told H yesterday I would be out at uni late today, and that I wouldn't be home untill about half seven. Well I got in a 7:35 and the first thing H says is 'where have you been'. I asked him what he meant as I'm home when I said I would be, and he tells me he's been worried as I didn't let him know I was leaving uni. He then told me that I stunk of food and asked if I had really been at uni... wtf. I questioned him over it and he starts gaslighting me, telling me I had said I'd be home at 7, that he hadn't said had I really been at uni, but had I been at uni Oh also I was meant to be getting a new phone delivered today, but it's gone to the neighbours (my fault it would seem...) also a new sim for my old phone came, even though it's cancelled. So H starts grilling me as to wheather it's really cancelled, if it is then how come they sent me a new sim etc etc etc

A slight bit of progress though today. My sister know knows I am debating leaving H, so I had a good old chat with her about it, and she's being very supportive.

Bad point, I relented and told H we would give it one more try. I'm so angry with myself. I am staying detached though and observe how the real him slips through, like today.

Sorry for the self indulgent post

eternalrose your FW sounds like bloody hard work (aren't they all) and so rude. They all seem to think that everyone owes them a favour.
Well my H is still being 'nice' today he bought me some smoked salmon and said to take my time in the bath.
I was reading one of the Dr Irene links ^^ above today and I was shocked to see one that I could have written word for word. This is what I need to remember everyday.

I never got Mr Nice either LeClerc. I think they thought we were well trapped by the years, the DC and our faith and didn't need to bother. On looking through the begging letters where NSDH is asking to return, he can't even turn on the charm there...he still says "I love you" you are a controlling,know-it-all who talks through the back of your neck, (loose but accurate paraphrase)!!! And this is him wooing me !! So i ask myself, why did I stick it out so long??

listens, why do you want evidence from the phone? Is it to convince yourself that he's cheating? Or to show to friends and family to convince them? Or to show to a solicitor as evidence of unreasonable behaviour? Or something else? I'm not sure there's a good enough reason to put yourself in danger. And it does seem a bit underhand, although I admit that's sometimes unavoidable in our relationships, unfortunately.

Rose, wow! So what now? What's your plan for leaving?

So he's still being controlling, then, Lahti? "I know what's best for you, dear, and tonight it's a nice long soak." I'd've been tempted to say, "No, thanks, I'm going to read a book/watch some TV/go out to see a friend," just to be deciding for myself how to relax.

(PS - I wouldn't, actually, I'd meekly go for the bath and wonder why I felt cross and if I was just totally useless at relationships, and not even think about whether I really wanted this bath, because even if I realised I didn't, I would still feel that that showed something wrong with me.)