Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
what couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17
foolonthehill · 17/02/2013 13:51
charlotte 
I know but it is do ingrained into me. At least I recognise it now. I feel like I need to freeze time until I have spoken with the counsellor again so that I don't weaken in my point of view. Interestingly he hasn't mentioned any if discussion about our relationship at all tonight. I am guessing he will bring it up at 11pm when I just want to fall asleep.
Just checking in... I don't have the internet in new house, so only come on MN when I'm staying with H & the girls. Don't like posting from work in case the Boss has some sort of mind control way of checking our internet history. Can't read the whole thread properly and respond to everyone but thinking of you all and hope it all works out 
Noone I have a silent FW too. He can go for ages wearing a face like a smacked arse, not saying a word. He says nothing is wrong, when it blatantly is. He won't tell me what's bothering him, I'm supposed to guess. Then, I can guess what to do to make everything OK. Now and then he goes ballistic and smashes any poor object that comes to hand, or goes into a sweary horrible rage. Feck that, I walked out 
still on a bit of a high here
Tieredconfusedmummy don't be cross with yourself, maybe you need to take your time making your decision so that later you won't have any regrets.
Don't have a fridge yet but luckily the house is so cold that I don't need one all sounds rather Dickensian but a relative is giving me a fridge, will bring it over at the weekend.
The DDs still don't want to stay overnight with H without me. DD1 could probably be persuaded but not DD2. I don't want to take DD2 home because not sure what DD1 would think about that. DD1 is only 6 so can't really express what she's feeling all that clearly yet. H did used to spend quite a lot of time with the DDs before we split up, but not things supervising mealtimes and bedtimes and that. Quite a lot of changes for everyone to get used to.
Mr Nice!? Who's he? 
Charm reserved for everyone else...
v. worried about why I put up with it for so long 
others noticed small changes that I was just so busy minimising and normalising its sickening...
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How do you all feel about dating again? I feel terrified if I am honest. I am hoping to work on myself before I dive into anything but I seemingly cant se the wood from the trees where men are concerned 
FairyFi Did you have an abusive childhood, Dr Irene says it is quite common to see women in abusive relatonships since they have never had a sense of self.
Charlotte I too tried the submissive thing, and I thought it was contentment but I think it was deep depression really.
Nora Thinking of you.
x
sense of self or no eternal he was responsible, I might have been lucky, I might have been unlucky.. I was unlucky like all these other ladies, some good childhoods, some not.
To answer your other generral question.. no .. no datin for me. I really would really rather stay on my own while I work this out for myself, similar to you.
very cool Leclerc yep, tis scarey, but I think you've definitely done the right thing by them. I hope it all stays quiet for you, but no harm being on alert, you know him best about that... take care xxx
EternalRose I'd love to meet someone else but the thought of a serious live-in relationship scares the life out of me. As does the thought of casual relationships. I'd be so happy to meet a nice guy. I also worry I'll meet a grade A bastard and launch into another catastrophic relationship and find myself another 10 years down the line with a few more kids, loads more ishoos and a future as a crazy cat lady... how do you meet blokes, anyway? I've forgotten.
FairyFi maybe you just wanted to save your relationship and tried to make yourself accept things? When you're on the outside it's easy to see what the person should be doing, but if you're in the middle of a complicated relationship with a FW who you love, or used to love, it's not easy at all to know what to do. IMO, anyways.
Leclerc fingers crossed for you.
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Leclerc Sending you a virtual hug.
Nora I also worry about all the same things you do. I have always said to myself I only want the one child but now I am wondering whether the thought of having more children with FW was what I didn't like. Casual sex also worries me because I do not want to be used for sex and I worry that this is what happens with this sort of thing. I have always been a relationship or nothing type girl. I havent really thought about the living with another man thing in a lot of detail, but already I can tell I am not keen on the idea.
Maybe us ladies should all move in together, in one big house
Fairy Dont be hard on yourself for putting up with so long. The last few days it has been really hard for me to own up to the fact that I may be in YET another relationship that is abusive. I always thought abuse was the 'obvious' kind, rape, name calling and hitting really. But that's only just the start (I know that now) You have become enlightened now and that's the main thing.
I would really hope enlightened, and I see the good place you are coming from eternal I wonder in terms of any potential future relationship, I am now frightened, yes, thats the right word match as although possibly enlightened, I'm not sure there's anything stopping it happening again, apart from 'stopping' !
I was thinking, just to take things even slower. Now I think no, these things are carefully timed to ensure the step up once feet well and truly under table, and each time I think of a measure of protection, I can also know their way through that I am STILL convinced that there are only a couple of decent guys out there, so I can sort of see where my problem might be ! 
I hopeyou can get some rest Leclerc its not an easy place to be, having missed many nights of sleep myself over such things, but you are all locked up safe, and good idea to leave email til morn (that kept me up all night too!). take care xxx
Dating. I will probably give it a go. I always say fall off a horse get straight back on another one. not that he was a horse! 
smarten up a bit get a profile up on a site that isn't POF. ex is on there and have heard bad things. start with a bit of chat for practise.
I have no problem with casual. i don't really want to introduce anyone new to the family but the odd date/ booty call would be ok
I'd really like to meet someone normal and contented but these things take time and i am fairly realistic about how many women my age there are with failed relationships online.
was single apart from casual things for a couple of years before i met ex. but before that i had one very long term bf who was lovely. everything my ex isn't. gentle shy loving. Broke my heart when it ended.
i still dream we are together and nearly cry when i wake up- didn't always dream about him it was just latterly when things were bad with ex. sure its not really old flame i was missing just what he represents.
And had one other lovely bf after that but was not ready.
so i do know there are good men out there.
and I'm not going to let experience with ex make me tar all men with same brush.
I think i may have subconsciously picked ex cos i thought it wouldn't last and I'd survive if he left as he was different from previous bfs... i just thought it would be fun for a few months and then burn out...and then somehow....it didn't.
Need to do some work so i don't make same mistakes or reactive mistakes in future.
And also not set too much store by men.
I am fine on my own. a nice man would be nice but not essential.
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