Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi guys, well H is home and being all 'nice' so the opposite to what I expected. He asked whether I had called the counselling number and I said no. He then asked if I really needed to? As it was his attitude to me that was the problem and it was down to him to address it. I asked if he was going to go to counselling instead but he said no.
He has also said that I need to start doing things that I want to do and to think of places that I want to go to for holidays.
I realise this is how the cycle works but it is so believable and no wonder I have put up with it for so long. Really hope the counsellor understands.

That is hard lahti maybe get a note book and start from now when it starts again and address it straight away? You probably have done all that. At least you may be able to relax a little tonight.

lahti any point getting him to try to bonus materials from should i stay or should i go?

Did he give a reason why he wasn't going for counselling?

mink and better I don't actually believe he will keep this up for long. I will continue with my diary. He didn't give a reason for not going to counselling... I had to drag him there last time. Also going to counselling would mean he has to admit his faults.

Hello... I posted about a year ago under a different name. Got lots of good advice from LemonDrizzled... is she still around?

Feel like the divorce is NEVER going to happen. He won't do a full disclosure. Thinks I've got no right to know 'his' income or 'his' savings. Has offered me 30% of 'his' pension. My solicitor has gone AWOL.

He was 11 years older. Makes you wonder...

Is LemonDrizzled still around? How's things with you? x

Gah, Lahti, he sounds scarily like my FW - soooo reasonable and sounds like he's saying just what you'd want him to, like "it's his attitude that's the problem and down to him to address it" (gotta admit it, he's GOOOOOD at this!). Do you notice, though, how he then says (1) he ain't gonna change (no to counselling) and (2) these are ways you should change which will help. Both of which COMPLETELY nullify the previous admission.

He's still confident in his belief that he should be in control, isn't he? Telling you to make targets for your hobby, to arrange counselling, not to bother arranging counselling as it won't help, and so on. He sounds all nice, but the FWery is still there, all right. Log it!

Another thing FW said in his 24 hours here last week: he mentioned to a friend that I thought he was constantly critical and friend said, "Well, I can see why she'd say that, you are, really." This was a revelation to him, and he described it to me as such, as though I'd be delighted to have the back-up of someone whose opinion actually matters else.

So, essentially (yes, I know I've already made my point, but I'm going to make it again so I can be more sarcastic about it and get in touch with my angry side :o ), I say something, and he discounts it. A friend says the same thing, and he takes it seriously. The fact that it is the same observation is irrelevant to him, so it can't be the observation that's important to him, but the observer. What matters is whether his reputation is damaged in the eyes of somebody who counts.

And to think that for a moment there, I felt this was a sign of some progress being made!!

I havent read all the posts yet, I am a newbie on this thread now. I joined the latter part of the last thread.

Anyway, I was just wondering if any of you in the past or currently get into a hysterical screaming mess with your FW.

This is how I operate these days and it has got progressively worse. Is this a symptom of EA?

x

hey better well done for making the call... I am trying to recall our convo, and I think I recall us talking about 'facing the fear' and that WA helped me to overcome. and I wished you good luck with 'the facing' [of the fear]...

They were very good with telling me not to go into situations I couldn't cope with facing him direct until I felt ready.

I have 3 teens up here having a half-term midnight feast, probably keeping the neighbours up too! Actually they're really very funny, having some chuckles to myself. They're in darkness and in a triple bed, camping out on the lounge floor pretending to be asleep very badly

sorry, not had chance to catch up, did notice house officially up for sale Pony wwwooo!

oh dear Eternal... welcome here. I was always too scared to respond, but I can see how that could be a very valid reaction in the face of intense FWittery. Is it extreme frustration? or is it reaction to his rage? x

Hi Fairy, thank you for replying.

He doesn't show 'rage' really. He talks really calmly, and even looks really relaxed yet I get so upset out of frustration. My neighbours have even heard it, and they said they can hear the frustraton in my voice.

I am now starting to see how he 'saves' me after these episodes. He will get me a cup of tea, and literally tuck me up in bed afterwards.

:-(

aha!.. there we are... once I cracked (after falling to bits in the face of the rages) I would be a gibbering wreck, which is apparently a lovely romantic time to get horny!?!?

I know of others who will be literally beaten and left, only to come back the next day and nursemaid their poor battered lady back to health, yeah, tea and bed.

just awful He has control of you when he talks this way. Try a different tack, maybe just walk off? Would he be violent if you did this?

You don't have to stay to listen to this rubbish that leaves you so frustrated. xx

I made a promise to myself that I will no longer allow myself to get that way because my daughter sees it, I am ashamed to say. :-( Lately I have felt so close to admitting myself to a psych ward. Whilst I am a gibbering wreck on the floor, he will then become the most nicest, attentive, loving person ever and I find myself wondering why or what I was even getting upset about in the first place?! I am just looking at the link on the first page with the voice recording of abuse, it's such an eye opener, starting to feel like I am getting a little stronger and that maybe I really could be a single mum and leave him.

FairyFi, I can't believe your FW thinks that is the time for 'fun'. I don't have sex with my FW ( twice in the last year, twice the year before that). I have never been able to figure out why I just don't want to do it with him....and now I am starting to see why. Strangely, he doesn't seem all to bothered about it.

I was that raging gibbering woman in the face of calmness. I figured out that drinking wine tended to bring on that state, as my resentment would spill out and we would have a mutual blame-fest which followed almost the same script each time.

Reinforcing the idea that I was a mentally fragile woman and he was the calm one who earned nothing and did nothing but was entitled to live off me

Oh Eternal Just know that you will not be that screaming jibbering wreck when you have left him, you will have calm and have some space to start to think.

I can hear that he uses a calm approach, mine didn't, but the result was the same. When I think back it did use to be the calm approach continually having an intellectual snobbbery about it, knowing better and undermining me, until I would be in tears and sobbing, I would argue back and rationalise but ended up in confusion. I would try to stick the original point made, I would drive myself in circles trying to make some sense of the craziness whilst he loooked all superior and in control. I stopped playing that game but then it turned to rage in my face pressed against the wall, and so on. but still, he would then cuddle once I was a mess and push his 'excitement' against me - WTF!

Its so good thatyou are feeling stronger and starting to see the glimpses of light being shed on the reality of your situation. very glad for that xx

Oh my yy to the "nurse maid" H was vile to me on Saturday night, accusing me of all sorts and on Sunday he was lovely. FFS. It was back to like it was before the ea even started and that's the glimmer of hope that keeps me in his orbit and it drives me mad.

The momentum continues to build.

Quick post eternal yup i used to get well worked up didn't know what else to do. he'd start a fight. say his bit and then say conversation over.

Don't think it is the best resonse looking back but it happened.

lahti glad you see through him. didn't want to say ltb straight out as you know him better then me. know what you mean abouthiw some people matter more. in our relationship it was some work that mattered more- his

wow, so it seems to be quite common then? Thank you so much for the support with this, I really appreciate it. I find it interesting because my partner paints me as being a very abusive, aggressive person. Yet when people meet me they say I have a warm, kind manner. I mean, dont get me wrong I have literally called him anything and everything during these 'discussions' but the man seems incapable of seeing how he can wind me up so much. Like someone mentioned above, he talks with this intellectual authority (now I know why I call him Professor) and comes across in control, and all laidback.

This morning he is a pillar of negativity. He has an interview. I said, you need to be positive. He repiled, " Why? It's just a shit job in a shit area". He didn't even really prepare for his interview, I'll be interested to see if he gets the job.

Last night I made a mental note to NOT go to him for bedtime cuddles, I feel that I need to start the detachment process. Already I can see that he knows something is up. I realise that when he approaches me for a kiss, I almost seize up, it's quite sad really. I really dont want to have sex with this man.

I am really starting to wonder whether he really is a major contributing factor to my severe depression and anxiety and my inability to feel like I cant do anything without his prescence?!

The neighbours in my flat yesterday said to me "EternalRose, you have such a beautiful voice when you sing you sound like an opera singer, but why do you wait until he leaves the house before you sing?" That comment really brought things home to me.

So today is a strong day, but I am really considering leaving him for definite. He will probably have to stay with me for the next 6 months anyway but after that I will relocate for University.

It's amazing the perspective you can gain on someone, when you mentally take a step back for a second.

How is everyone else today? What are you all up to today? I really do hope you are all having a good, strong day. x

Rose, I used to be a gibbering mess. I've never been much of a crier, but the sheer upset and frustration of the arguments and situations have had me sobbing and gasping for air many times. (He once threatened to call an ambulance because I was crying so hard... , and threatened to section me more than once.) And he would be calm and collected, telling me I had to stop this nonsense because I was upsetting DS, or the kids could hear, or whatever. I would walk away sometimes and take myself off to another room, but he would follow me and come in and out of the room either making me cry more because he was still being horrible, or cry more because he was being nice! Then eventually, Like Fi says, it would be cuddles and tea and looking after me. And I would feel awful for having been in such a state and losing control in front of the kids.

I haven't cried hysterically once since I fully ended things. It's only when with him that I get into that state.

Gosh ponygirlcurtis, they really are all the same arent they?

My ex FW (the man I was with previous to this relationship), not this FW, also used to talk about getting me sectioned and would always threaten to call the ambulance or my mum.

My current FW also tells me to calm myself down as I am upsetting DD and like you felt so ashamed the next day for losing control.

I really do pick them don't I, but then my mother was also very abusive so it seems to be all I know.

I am so glad you have ended things ponygirl, how do you feel from day to day?

x

fairy eternal re. trying to stick to the original point. Fw bingo! That used to drive me mental. would start out as what i thought was quite a reasonable point and then degenerate into some kind of farce. i used to get so frustrated. he would shout me down, repeat the same question over and over again constantly usually a question with no right answer.

Once i remember him shouting about 30 times ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH OUR KIDS TO SELF HARM? i mean wtf? Obviously no. but if i said no he would be all, see I'm right and vindicated. if i said nothing that was taken as a yes. If i trid reasoning he would just keep repeating. the conversation had been about something completely different to start with.

So faced with that kind of sh*t i did sometimes try the same thing of asking the same question over and over again to him (usually something a bit more relevant though) and ended up making myself look like a twat

got to unlearn lots of fucked up habits now.

But short answer yes he used to boil my piss!! And sometimes i lost it

There are often two tactics at play.
One is classic deflection make the argument about something else - the more inane the better.
The other is this from psychological game theory:
CORNER - The corner game is one in which the manipulator places the other person in a situation where anything he or she does is wrong - they are backed into a corner and are "damned if you do and damned if you don't." It is extremely frustrating to the person who is cornered, and may be the cause of many serious emotional disturbance if a person was continually cornered by a spouse or by parents.

I also think, there is no blood coming out of that stone. Its a brick wall, no giving, only denial and own manipulative ends. I also mistook sex for giving, ding dong.