Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin


Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!




Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

[minkembra]

noone definitely sounds fishy.

[BreatheandFlyAway]

noone so glad you're not feeling too devastated by this revelation. It could work very much in your favour, as you say. Is it time to consult a lawyer secretly and explain your H is having an affair, there is proof on his phone, he is staying at home while you go out to work and what can you do to reverse the situation and divorce?

Horrible though it is that an affair is a positive thing... I did think while reading your post that in a few years it could well be her seeking escape while you are away and happy Something missing in the bath eh - a rubber duck-wit maybe?

[minkembra]

breath rubber duck-wit.

[scarredbutalive]

Good morning all!

About the age-thing: I think it´s a number of reasons why women end up with FWs:

• genes
  
• the role you have to adopt inside your family
  
• how you grow up
  
• the things you see, you learn, you experience
  
• pure chance
  
• also how your partner may develop because of his experiences
  

That´s why it´s outright stupid to ask: "Why do women put up with guys like these, use logic!" (as was said in the other thread)
I was at a party once where a woman I barely knew said straigt to my face: "You´re doing it all wrong with x! You have to mould him!" ...
Well, I personally don´t want to mould my partner. I want to respect him as he is, I want to form a team of equal human beings.

And that´s exactly the point: women in abusive relationships are not stupid or illogical, in the contrary: these women (may I say us) are in fact highly intelligent, I think. They have to be emotionally intelligent to be able to spot all those mood swings, to handle them, to organize life around them. And they have to be rationally intelligent to try to bring reason to completely surreal behaviour, to fights out of the blue, to absurd insults. Forgive me to brag, but when I went to school I wasn´t just the best student in class, for many years I was the best student of my whole school. Everyone thought I´d become a professor. I just used all these abilities and talents in a completely wrong way, I concentrated on others, not on myself. That´s why it all went downhill. To realize where your life wrong and to be able to say: "well, I´m partially to blame" takes a lot of strenghth and insightfulness. Not a lot of people are able to muster that strength. And yet, when I look back upon my life: I had a reason for every decision I made, I was thinking all along. My thinking was just compromised - by ^^ (see above)

[Lahti]

Morning all and hello to scarred
Well an awful night here. After my talk yesterday with H re his behaviour and how it is damaging to me and DD I now feel like I have been torturing a kitten.

1. I brought up that he would never speak to anyone at work the way he speaks to me.
   
2. I said there was nothing wrong with my sex drive it is his behaviour towards me that is the issue.
   
3. I brought up his reaction to when I have had hospital visits for possible cancer investigations and an accident that our daughter had.
   

Various other stuff as well.
He asked where I wanted to be in 6 months, I said I don't know? But I don't want to be here if you can't be nice to me.
He said he doesn't know if he can do what I want as he doesn't realise when he is rude or mean it.
A big thing is my spending, I wanted to spend £180 as a one off but be really doesnt want me to (he spends whatever he likes). So last night he said spend whatever you want but just remember that we only have a certain amount if money coming in.
He then said I may as well spend it now as as I wont be able to afford to if we split up. When he left for work this morning he asked if I would be here when he got back, (I am always here) so I said yes of course where else would I be? He said well I just don't know what is happening.
We spoke about his emotional affair, all he says is that he can't change what happened, he won't even admit that the girl should never have stayed at our house without my knowledge.
Hate this.

[MrsMorton]

H is 17 years older than me.

[Noonelistens]

breathe .. rubber duck-wit has made my day. I think if he has a go tonight I'm just going to see a great big rubber duck. ha ha . I can't bring myself to call him FW yet (though am getting close) but duckwit - yep that just about fits. Seriously though - it did cross my mind that in a few years she may be posting here and I'll hopefully be free free and away.

lahti you are not torturing a kitten. It is how he wants you to feel so that you come crawling back to him. Stay strong. In a normal relationship if you explained to someone how theire behaviour is damaging you and their child then they would be shocked and devastated and desperate to change. Of course he doesn't 'realise' when he's being rude. Why would he want to do that? This way he can say whatever he feels like and then backtrack on the few times you challenge him and say that he didn't mean it to sound like that.

scarred The more I think about it, the more I think that the biggest reason is a) lack of experience from my part, but more importantly b) pure chance that we met and c) how my H just is and how life experiences have shaped him. ie it is far more his fault then mine.

I live in fear of it happening again if/when I get out. But this time I have more than enough experience so just need to work on self esteem and not being desperate for approval.

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

I hope I haven't given the impression to anyone that I think it's our fault after posting the age thing. I most certainly do not think that. More that I was more vulnerable because of his greater experience and ability to turn things around so he didn't seem so unreasonable.

[scarredbutalive]

noone I agree with you, it´s far more their fault. I just think some women have a higher level of tolerance than others, even if it´s bad for them. They try and try and try, they are fighting for solutions. Per se, that´s actually a good thing and might - in other areas - lead to phenomenal results.

And I do fully understand your fear of it happening again. In fact, I feel so much like damaged goods that I´m afraid I won´t ever meet any man again I can love and who loves me back. But then I think of what I have achieved in horrible circumstances. And I hope, just hope that if I change circumstances for the better ... well ... I might also achieve better things.

All you women show deep love and commitment, that must account for something. I know lots of bossy or even bullying women. Don´t like them, don´t want to (&can´t) be like them.

[Lahti]

We have 3 year age gap. I think that it is my family role that has got me in this situation. My mum was very keen to get me and my sisters married off quickly lol.
I was never the most confident person but I would not have put up with this amount if crap 12 years ago.

[scarredbutalive]

matchsticks Maybe age plays a certain role. My exFW is 7years older. I have always liked to be around older man. I wanted someone I could respect, someone who has experiences I probably haven´t had. Well, my guy was kind of like this Benjamin Button- movie: redevelopping into a selfish brat.

[scarredbutalive]

and lahti Well, a number of resons, also individually different. But it´s not the abused beeing too sensitiv, it´s the abuser just behaving waaayyy over the line. I have heard all that crap too: I have no sense of humor, I take everything too seriously, right up to: I´m mental and should be institutionalyzed. Won´t take it any more. Then let´s see whom he´s using as his verbal & psychological trashcan.

[Lahti]

H has just called to say that he thinks I should spend today thinking of goals (related to my hobby) I would like to achieve this year. Erm thanks for telling me what YOU think I should do today. It is like he will let me do one thing that I like to do and that it will make up for his other behaviour ie

'look, I let you do what you wanted so why are you still not happy? I can't win'

^^ this is what he thinks. Not what I think. So confusing but I guess that is the point.

[FairyFi]

Hey Match my post further back about age [and other factors] feeling uncomfortably like a sense of responsibility for the abuse, was in no way to say this was what you were trying to say.

The arrogant attitude of the superior logical all seeing person who finds her answer in the only person that slightly agrees with her in the forum, and has the hide of a rhino when it comes to hearing anyone else truths, kept reminding me of this comparison, which I think age might vaguely fall into. So sick of her 'women' responsible tack in it all, with ignorance and yet adopting the side of everything being about the womens 'part' of EA. Very insulting, but I guess she would be too logical to see that! (and too direct to apologise, despite being told again and again thats what we do here! - us Brits!).

Having said that, I think all of us are influenced, and age can be a huge influencer, endowing the older male as having the greater experience, life knowledge, fatherly attributes, etc.

BTW nice one Leclerc and all the ladies who swore. Just wanted to say no need for explanations atall, for my part, Match x

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

Phew! Thank god I haven't offended.

[FairyFi]

oh no! no no. I think I might be now tho

soz hun... wish I hadn't used age in the example, wouldn't want to cause any upsets here... xx

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

Have had to steer clear of that thread after my first few posts.

[FairyFi]

think I'm all done now!

[ponygirlcurtis]

listens - it does sound fishy about your H. Def def def get solicitor advice. But also remember - it doesn't matter if he fights divorce. You are entitled to get divorced for absolutely no reason at all. You could just be completely miserable (which you are, because of his EA). He could divorce you if he wants to leave to go off with his duck-buddy. What's important is that you are unhappy and want out. What I mean it - you don't need to validate your reasons, you don't need him to agree they are suitable reasons.

Lahti - this is all part of his strategy to turn it back onto you. You are being unreasonable by asking him to not be rude and mean, I mean, how can he stop doing what he doesn't know he's doing? And confusing you with things like 'will you still be here' - I used to get that, of course the answer is 'Yes I will', but he's confusing your brain, because now you've promised to stay (in a way, even if just for today). Where is anything about you in everything he says, or about DD? Has he expressed sorrow that you have been upset by what he's done? (I mean, rather than 'I'm sorry you feel like that'.) This is all part of the script.

[Lahti]

Thanks pony you always make so much sense. It is such a spaghetti head moment though and I can now see how I ended up taking him back 5 years ago. I am speaking to a counsellor again on Thursday. I don't want to ring today as it will be someone different and I will have to go back over it all so they understand what it is like. Dreading him coming home tonight as he will just keep grinding me down about letting me go to do my hobby etc etc. he has even texted me the number of the counselling service (he doesn't know I have already spoken to them). I'm not really sure what to make of that though, I guess it is him showing an effort.

[ponygirlcurtis]

Lahti, I am laughing hysterically (and somewhat manically) at the thought of me making sense!!!! Haha!!!

But I think it is so much easier to see clearly for someone else's situation than it is for your own. I struggle to have any clarity in my own life.

Good that you are going to speak to a counsellor this week. Am very and a bit that he's pushing the idea of you going to a counsellor though - why is he focusing on that instead of getting a counsellor for himself? I'd suggest it's not because he's making an effort (although he's happy for you to read it as such) - no, it's because he's setting this up to be your fault again. In other words, once you sort your head out, then things will go back to normal. But you know that wont happen now.

[minkembra]

lahti I too wouldn't read too much into his motives. in his head it may play as making an effort but really I think Pony may be right and he is in hoovering mode.

I have been going by the should I stay or go now^^ could not imagine my ex unconditionally accepting the things in the bonus material so I gave up. any attempts at reconciliation always involved bargaining and basically me being 'nicer'. [hmn}
(obviously I could be nicer, who couldn't, but he didn't actually mean nicer he meant why can't you be a more contented door mat?).

[ponygirlcurtis]

Oooooh, my house is officially up for sale!!!! Not sure how I feel - pretty detached from it all, if I'm honest. It's on t'internet and everything. It's, like official. anyone wanna see?

Absolutely, mink. Me trying harder meant not being so argumentative, which really meant not arguing against anything he said (unless tea-towel related, I was allowed opinions on them).

[arthriticfingers]

Pony

[betterthanever]

Hi everyone - I am also liking the idea of having a goal by the end of thread... think mine will be to stop letting FW make me ill. Not been able to shake off lurgy for over a week
Fairy I rang WA and spoke to a local branch. They didn't to know anything about facing but they were willing to get victim support to ring me and come to court with me but I will have my sol and friends there and thought they would be better using the resources for someone who didn't have people to take. That said they are ringing me later this week to see how it has gone - thanks for the idea.