Here we go again. Dating thread 42

[VoiceofUnreason]

Evening all. As you were.

Don't have a meal for first date. Maybe walk, talk (if either of you have a dog) or live near a National Trust house, and then coffee/light bite. 90mins is optimum, but can be 45mins if appalling.

Hi micshi, welcome to the thread.

General advice is to keep two things in mind: safety (so no car parks or letting him pick you up, a crowded but not too busy place is good)
and secondly, not reducing the chance of a spark, so Starbucks or a motorway service station probably aren't good choices. A wine bar or place where you can have just coffee if you want but move on to wine/cocktails if things are going well

Traditionally the advice is to just meet for a coffee quickly then see if you actually want a 'date' afterwards.

My most successful dates have been somewhere like Browns, that kind of thing. Not too expensive but not too cheap, nice atmosphere, option for coffee or booze or even food if things go well. My worst have been Starbucks (too sterile, the girl was great but no spark because it was just like a business meeting) or a pizza place where we'd already planned to eat and when she turned up it was just a case of getting thru the meal while trying to make small talk with someone it was obvious was wrong - even after weeks of chatting online..

And don't expect chemistry, it's rare. But it's worth it when it does happen

Micshi Quick drink is good for a first date, then you can stay longer if all is good, or make an excuse and leave. A small amount of alcohol can help with the nerves!

Velvet - I think drink probably had a lot to do with what happened (or didn't) last night. About the gf/bf thing, I'm not one to give advice here really but I don't think it's too soon to ask. You've been seeing him since November if I remember correctly. That's a long time ...

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm going to look back over it again when I'm less tired and less be-childrened. Everyone seems to be telling me to do the same thing which will mean facing up to one of my worst fears. Bugger. He keeps texting this morning.

Libby good luck! And I want all those things - might have to take it one step at a time though.

Dd has stripped the old wallpaper so I've been up my ladder and put lining paper up. Painting to follow this afternoon. LM has painted a ceiling and insulated his loft. What a productive day!

Velvet and Western sorry you are both feeling a bit meh this morning. I will only say that generally being with someone is meant to enhance our life. Both of you should be grinning from ear to ear right now, not feeling flat on a Saturday morning. If this is not right for you, it's ok to say so or press pause and think about what you want. It's not meant to be all about them, what they are going through, how tired they are, how sensitive they are. What about you?

I still have brownies, lots of brownies. It was a huge tray and there are only so many you can eat for breakfast.

Juliette I am coming for the brownies...

I think though it's a question that I can only ask in person? I can't send a text saying 'do you see me as a potential gf?'! But then again I'm not even sure of how I could/would broach it in conversation. I guess as I won't be seeing him for a few weeks I've got time to mull it over, no need to make an immediate decision.

Western, you're not far off. Our first date was Halloween. I asked him last night if he could remember when it was, he said 5th Nov. Which was our second date. I can excuse that :)

at least with chocolate you know exactly where you are, I am so sick of dating and relationships, how long before we can buy a realistic robot boyfriend who is programmed to do and say exactly the right thing.

Until then I'll have to improvise with battery operated boyfriends and a couple of fwb's with various deficiencies

Hellooo oh dear I think I might have got drunk last night....and I think I might have blabbed to the entire pub that I had botox and was going on a date. I might even have texted the kid a load of guff and asked him if we might 'get on'...I think I stopped short of telling him I loved him unlike you lot.

Anyone got a secure padded room???

Velvet yes only in person but can you really be arsed with being in a situation where you are only going to see him every few weeks for whatever reason? How much is the attraction of Cuthbert and how much that he was second date man, what does he actually give you that you really want?

Oh and get Bant with his first date cocktails....you would be lucky to get half a lager out of me...

First date cocktails would do it for me. Remember Morning Man and his 'I don't mind getting you cider because it's cheap'.

Oh god to I have to remember Morning Man Jule??? feck sakes....

do

Juliette, no he doesn't give me exactly what I want. But there's only one person who can give me that, so there's no point in holding out for it really.

C does give me something which is a lot closer to what I want than I have had with anyone else (not just via OD but generally). And the issues with seeing him (whilst not ideal) would I think be exactly the same with any man who has children...I very much doubt the grass is greener in that respect.

'fraid so Ike. In fact, I was going through my back catalogue this morning and it's like a Who's Who of Knobbers. The only one I miss/regret is Mr Vague, I think I may have been too hasty to dump as we got on so well but although he clearly liked me a lot and thought I was awesome he showed no signs whatsoever of caring about me. That would have been a problem long term.

Yes Jule... dont put too much of a rose tinted sheen on your memories of Mr Vague...he was not that nice...you deserve better, really!

Velvet the scheduling is one thing, but the scheduling is not the reason he only makes himself available every few weeks. As for the rest, closer to what you want is not what you want. That is possibly why you feel unsettled.

Where we find better, though, is quite another matter!

Ike you're right, I just rarely get to have such good conversation and laughs with someone like that wonder if that makes me an arsehole too. Must also remember that although I am very tactile I just felt physically invaded.

Well indeed Jule...something wasnt right and yy to conversation that's what kept myself and TR going so long but ultimately it was NOT a great and healthy relationship!

Sorry, think I blundered into the thread yesterday without asking if I could join - hope you don't mind!

Micshi - I have just started OD too and am nervous about the whole thing. I am going on my first date tonight and I am quite frankly terrified. I don't know how you get over this but hopefully it gets easier with time. We are going to the theatre and I'm beginning to wish we'd just arranged to go out for a drink. It was his idea and I just thought 'why not?' but now that today is here I think I was a bit rash! It could be a long night.

Velvet - I hope you don't mind me saying so but you sound far too lovely for C not to treat you how you want to be treated. It's always tricky sorting out arrangements around 2 lots of children but it doesn't sound like you have any contact between seeing each other. I would find that really difficult. Even if you know it's going to be 3 weeks away it wouldn't be so hard if you spoke/texted often and could keep up a relationship. Are you absolutely sure he's single?

Hi all,

It's me nomorepain - name changed because pain is sooooo last season and no longer part of my life!!

velvet sorry if I sound harsh and obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship with Cuthbert but I do firmly believe that if a man wants you as his gf then he will make that apparent and obvious. All of the communication seems to be on his terms and I feel like you have to put your feelings to one side a lot. If you were to write a list of what you want in a man and a relationship then would he be ticking the majority of your boxes? You like him and that is great but do you really see a future with him. He has had months to get things going between you but he has played it massively cool. I personally think you need and deserve something more than what he is capable of offering you.

Juliette please don't even let thoughts of Mr Vague enter your mind. Busy yourself with something fun. Vague is not for you. You deserve Mr Brilliant!!!

ike I just love you. You always make me laugh! Don't change!!

Oww - again, are you getting your needs met? If not why not and are you prepared to be in a relationship that doesn't do what you want it too. You deserve more than just plodding.

As for me I am feeling good. Went out with a friend last night and just had the best time. Was dancing and singing and drinking and discussing men. Kids got picked up today by their dad and first time in ages we were able to get on okay. Mr Irish is in the background. He is okay. Not mr right, defo not a long term prospect but he is fun and defo worth a second date. He seems to like me and the attention is doing me good. I think we will meet next week but not sure. I've got really busy couple of weeks, my baby is going to be one and then going away to centreparcs with friends and got family staying then going away to visit friends so date opportunities will be thin on the ground. I feel fine with it all though and better to be in a place of control rather than the gibbering wreck I was a few months ago!

Choo choo step right on in love, invites not needed, the door is always open.

Pom I cant change the buffoonery is too deeply ingrained! Is Mr Irish as good looking as you thought? I am wondering why you are not as keen as you were?

Choochoo, C and I do have some contact just not a great deal. Neither of us enjoy speaking on the phone, and he isn't a conversational texter.

I am certain he is single though. He just has a busy life. He has been very open about where he lives (with his parents) and works, I doubt he would be otherwise.

Thanks ike.

Velvet - have you seen where he lives with your own eyes? Did you meet him OD? Was he chatty emailing/texting before you met? It just sounds a bit soulless to me. I'm not sure I would be able to be with someone who didn't at least try and make an effort to let me know they cared And you deserve to feel wanted.