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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Here we go again. Dating thread 42

999 replies

VoiceofUnreason · 16/02/2013 16:42

Evening all. As you were.

OP posts:
48howdidthathappen · 23/02/2013 10:05

OWW Mr R&R has said I need to be more direct about what I want/need. I think I am, guess Im not, he said its hard trying to read between the lines.

I took him at his word. Told him I needed him and that he had let me down. That was hard, being that open. He stepped up to the plate Smile

Tell LM what is on your mind.

KinNora · 23/02/2013 10:10

Hello Scatty and 48,

OWW what 48 said ^^ she knows^ ...

KinNora · 23/02/2013 10:12

And no dates for me, Scatty, the most exciting thing that might happen to me today is a possible trip to TK Maxx with my sister. Much as I love her, it's not quite the same as flirting and sexual tension across a restaurant table.

lubeybooby · 23/02/2013 10:20

Scatty, still same as yesterday here though hopefully getting more painkillers shortly. Also off out for lunch which will be nice. Not a date although quite a few people, some I haven't met before.

I am starting to feel really bad for a male friend I have who I suspect is in love with me. He looked crushed when I told him about TT and the first thing he said was 'it's not serious though is it?' and then he kept muttering to himself through the day that he (TT) wouldn't be seen for dust when it was all over.

We sort of almost had a thing last year before BC was on the scene and swept me off my feet. (he seemed crushed then too but hiding it)

Male friend has been a massive help with a lot of things and very supportive.

He is one of these poor eternally 'friend zoned' blokes and I just feel really bad. I keep asking myself whether I could or not, but I just don't think the chemistry is there. Shame because he is a lovely and dependable safe option... not gonna happen though I think unless a bit more of a spark makes itself apparent.

Now and again he does surprise me though with glimpses of the things I like. Like confidence and capability. Sense of humour. etc. It's a bit confusing really.

VelvetSpoon · 23/02/2013 10:21

Western I can't add anything to what's been said already.

As for me, last night wasn't brilliant. I am starting to have misgivings. I don't think Cuthbert likes me anywhere near as much as I do him, and it's becoming obvious (at least to me) that in other ways we are quite incompatible.

Which is all a bit crappy really. Especially as he's the only man in 4 years who has ever been interested in me beyond 1 date.

lubeybooby · 23/02/2013 10:27

Aww velvet. What makes you think that?

SweetSeraphim · 23/02/2013 10:27

What do you mean Velvet? What happened last night?

WarmFuzzyFun · 23/02/2013 10:39

Phew! Caught up You guys don't mess about do you...

Hope LM reassures you 48, he sounds like he wants to give you what you need, everyone is cautious in this 21 century dating arena.

Velvet, did I miss the last date recount? Wink I am Envy and thrilled for youSmile. Same goes for you SnapeGrin

Lubey, I would like to offer you my favourite, softest, throw to tuck around your legs as you sit/lie on the sofa plus your favourite meal laid on a tray nicely, with a kiss on your forehead. Take the very best care of yourself.

On other news: a friend who I hadn't seen for absolutely ages looked at me closely and said 'you look amazing, have you had something done?' Maybe I don't need the eyebag removal just yet, I must have got the concealer blending and colour right that day.

Well onwards and upwards, repeat after me people 'whatever happens or doesn't happen, I am still me and I am as lovely as ever' (I love that quote Juliette, it really resonates)

WarmFuzzyFun · 23/02/2013 10:40

Oops x-post Blush fuck. Sorry V

VelvetSpoon · 23/02/2013 10:40

It's just a feeling I get, and other stuff.

Last night we went for drinks, I was late, he ended up getting a bit drunk, we came back here, there was some kissing etc then he said 'oh I'm tired I'm going to sleep now' to which I was Hmm. To be fair, he asked me about it this morning as he didn't remember, and did apologise.

So I could let that go. We did have sex this morning but only once and it was really brief. So that was a bit rubbish too.

He gets a lot more tired than me, and sleeps a lot more. Meaning I end up lying here awake and bored, which isn't great.

I can't help comparing him to my lovely Ex, who hated wasting a second sleeping when he was with me, and would have done anything to please me, and I can't ever see C being like that. But then the Ex is an Ex for a reason, and also we were ridiculously in love, so it's probably not fair to compare C to him.

But I don't know. The princessy part of me thinks that (as my Ex did) he should do anything and everything to make me happy, and he doesn't. And then I think well that must mean he doesn't really care about me, that I'm just a convenient shag not a potential gf :(

And I just don't know. I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face, but equally I'm not sure if I want this if this is as good as it will get...

I DO like him a lot. I really do. I just don't know if it works really, and I have no idea how he feels.

It's just meh times about a million....

WarmFuzzyFun · 23/02/2013 10:41

I take too long to type my posts

AndLibbyMakesThree · 23/02/2013 10:42

OWW a really quick one as I'm rushing to get ready to meet Mr C and his DC, but I wanted to thank you so much for your advice - I really appreciate it, especially with the lack of sleep you had.

As for LM, what do you think it is that you want that LM isn't giving to you? If you think he sees it as a long-term thing, it sounds as if he's serious about you. Do you need to him to be more verbal about things, eg telling you he loves you? Or would you like to plan things for further ahead? Or would you like him to be more affectionate? Or is it that conversation you had which is still playing on your mind? Or maybe something else/other things?

I agree that you probably need to speak to him. Yes, it's very difficult (I'm terrible at stuff like this, though have managed a difficult couple of conversations with Mr C) but you're not entirely happy as things are, so perhaps it might help (though I'm aware the last conversation made you feel worse rather than better). He may not know what you want, and you may have to tell him (like Mr C said, he's not a mind-reader, and I have to be clearer about what I want - and it seems like Mr R&R is saying the same to 48).

Sorry I can't write more now, but have to rush - looks like there's a problem with the buses, aaaagh, typical. I really don't want to be late.

WarmFuzzyFun · 23/02/2013 10:46

Velvet, I am sorry. Maybe him being so tired means that his focus is diluted and this is reflected in slightly lukewarm behaviour/attitude.

Doesn't mean he doesn't like you or you aren't girlfriend potential.

WarmFuzzyFun · 23/02/2013 10:47

Trust your gut though Velvet. What do you want to do about the situation?

SweetSeraphim · 23/02/2013 10:50

Velvet - at this point, you should be being adored and woo-ed Hmm

I was thinking about this the other day when you were waiting for a text from him, if you look at it from another point of view - who is HE to keep you hanging around waiting for him to click his fingers? He KNOWS that you want more contact - whether you hide it or not, he knows. Yet he still doesn't step up and give you what you need, instead he leaves it right to the last minute and you make yourself available.

It's not good enough, frankly.

This all sounds really harsh - it's not meant that way, I just don't want to see you get taken for a mug. You're a lovely woman with loads to give, and he's just pissing you around, imo. That's all it is though, my opinion.

48howdidthathappen · 23/02/2013 10:53

I am off horse riding Smile I am making sure I do stuff that gives me some happiness.

VelvetSpoon · 23/02/2013 10:56

I want to know what I am to him. If I am girlfriend potential or just a convenient (and fairly infrequent) shag.

Because the former is what I want to be, and the other stuff I'd be prepared to see if I can get used to IF there's a point to me trying.

But I don't see how I can ask that really.

SweetSeraphim · 23/02/2013 10:58

I would ask. This constant second guessing is doing you no good at all. He has all the power. At least if you ask, you will know. Got to bet better than this, hasn't it?

Scattylatte · 23/02/2013 11:00

nora I can get quite excited in TKMaxx, it's the element of surprise.

lubey enjoy lunch. Sitting with people and feeling relaxed is a wonderful thing.

oh velvet could it have been the drink he consumed that askewed things a bit? The quick sex isn't a measure of things, but I can see how it would make you feel Hmm when you don't see him often.

I'm off for a walk today then meeting 2 old friends later. Lovely

VelvetSpoon · 23/02/2013 11:06

But what if he's not ready to answer a question like that yet, if he's still figuring out where this is going and being cautious etc, then surely asking something like that puts too much pressure on and risks fucking it up before it's gone anywhere? Like opening the oven door too soon on a souffle or something.

From a blokes POV...after 6 dates I bet if a woman said am I girlfriend potential most of them (well most I know, and this is friends/colleagues not just dates - I stand to be corrected by the men on the thread) would be calling bunny boiler and running for the hills...

It's the tiredness/sleeping that niggles me more than the sex. But knowing what I am, or rather not knowing, niggles me more.

lubeybooby · 23/02/2013 11:14

Nah velv, six dates is fair game to ask that I reckon. And it's been a long time to boot, as well.

Snapespeare · 23/02/2013 11:17

velvet i don't have any magic words i'm afraid - just thinking about you. although, i don't think 6 dates is too soon for the discussion. some people move in together after a couple of dates. i think you need to know where you stand.

also, it's not essentially solely the woman wondering if she is 'girlfriend material' but whether the chap is boyfriend material. is cuthbert bf material? Hmm

i got Wine drunk last night and emailed nameless about ME/CFS & intimacy Blush - i am absolutely too embarrassed to look at the email, so i can't tell you what i said. he then replied to an earlier email with some minutiae of his day, so i am unsure whether 2nd drunken email was read, 'appreciated' Hmm or indeed answered. generic response could have been a response to either email. hmmmmph. I am therefore in a quiet uncommuinicative mood.

VelvetSpoon · 23/02/2013 11:35

I honestly thought it was too soon to ask a question like that.

Having said that, I can't ask C anytime soon, I don't think I am seeing him now for 3 weeks (he has his son next fri, then a stag weekend the fri after...). It's not really the sort of thing I can text.

I do very much think he is boyfriend material, even if he quite possibly doesn't think the same about me!

Snape, do you think maybe Nameless was being tactful not responding directly to drunken email, thinking maybe you had regretted sending it?...I'm sure he's not the type to deliberately ignore it

WarmFuzzyFun · 23/02/2013 11:42

Velvet, if it feels too soon don't do it. Try and not think about where it is going etc (impossible I know) and 'enjoy' having someone in your life, your thoughts, and being (a little) special to someone. It is nice and while it lasts don't worry the good times away.

Ah Snape, texting and drink are a dangerous combo.

micshi · 23/02/2013 11:45

I think that some men do ignore these things if they don't know how to handle it, I wouldn't worry though, whatever the content of the email, he's probably forgotten about it already. Men don't overthink things like some women do (me included)!

I've already started chatting to one guy already since last night, if I do go on a date, where is it recommended to go? I'm really nervous about meeting someone I don't know & worried that if I don't like them I'll be stuck for a whole evening (or meal at least)!