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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Here we go again. Dating thread 42

999 replies

VoiceofUnreason · 16/02/2013 16:42

Evening all. As you were.

OP posts:
AndLibbyMakesThree · 22/02/2013 21:33

Thanks Nora. I've never been in this situation before and it's a bit nerve-racking!

JulietteMontague · 22/02/2013 22:05

Libby I would agree, just be yourself and if in doubt, remember they may not actually appear very interested even if they are because they are pre teens and endless number of things are cool other than adults. Most importantly, don't try to hard.

AndLibbyMakesThree · 22/02/2013 22:09

Thanks Juliette. It feels like a really important occasion, and I'm so scared I'm going to muck it up. The good news is that most of the time we'll be at a concert, so I won't have to talk. My sister has warned me not to dance and sing along too much, as I may embarrass everyone (including myself!)

micshi · 22/02/2013 23:19

omg I've just joined a dating site! I've never done anything like this before, but thought that I won't have much opportunity otherwise of ever going on a date if I didn't. Please can I join your thread?!

lubeybooby · 22/02/2013 23:33

of course you can micshi!

Flipper924 · 23/02/2013 00:14

Welcome to the fabulous world of dating, micshi!

Quick catch up:

Kirsty, congratulations and good luck in your new home! Let's hope the ex sees that there's more to life and gets on with agreeing your settlement.

48, you've been on an incredible journey of self discovery, I think, with your Mum, and opening up to Mr R&R. You must be exhausted, I hope you have time to recharge and take care of yourself.

Velvet, I assume you're off somewhere with LC, hope it's good.

Nora, it would just feel weird, you dating TR after Ike's been there. Sorry.

Bant, wasn't it a dinner party? How did you need to get KFC? And did you save me any? I love the colonel's special recipe.

Ignoring convo about ED, as most blokes I've known have had varying degrees of stiffness at different times, so I'm now feeling paranoid that this is down to me, as clearly this is not a problem affecting the men here.

Are there any brownies left? I've spent the evening with a friend whose husband has just moved back to his parents, after giving her 'the script'. She's hopeful it will work out. I think she'll be dating in 6 months.

KinNora · 23/02/2013 00:31

Flipper, just about to drop off to sleep but I was feeling similarly about the ED thing - however, I've come to the conclusion that it was because I'm attracted to the overthinking, fretty types, who I think in turn are more prone to that kind of issue. I don't think Bant and Voice are neurotic, self-doubters.

It's easy to turn it around and question one's one attractiveness but I really think it's just about what goes on in the bloke's mind.

Flipper924 · 23/02/2013 00:34

Thanks, Nora, I definitely have a string of those behind me, so I'll put it down to that!

Sleep well, all!

ike1 · 23/02/2013 02:24

I love you all. xx

ike1 · 23/02/2013 02:24

Night.x

OhWesternWind · 23/02/2013 07:23

Libby not sure what age the children are, but I'd just echo the advice to be yourself, keep it all low key, do a bit of singing and dancing if you want to and feel comfortable -kids love laughing at adults dancing, no touching their dad (or let him lead on this), keep all conversations general so everyone can join in, don't try too hard - be friendly and polite but let them come to you once they've had a chance to weigh you up.

Sorry, that sounds like a great long list of instructions but hope it helps.

Need to go to bed, only been home half an hour and I'm knackered. First time he's done the snoring thing on me!!

Snowing here.

Will catch up with everyone else later.

OhWesternWind · 23/02/2013 08:47

Aaaargh can't sleep! Have decided to get up and get caffeinated.

Really in a dilemma about LM. What we have now is good - we get on so well, same sense of humour, same values, all that stuff. But it's like friends with added sex. I can't go on pretending to keep all the emotions out of it, I really can't, it's just not right for me and it feels like I'm not being honest or true to myself. But equally it's not going to work if he won't open up too.

Most of the time I do think that the feelings are there on his side too, but I don't know for sure.

I am shit scared of having another of those conversations with him in case it all goes wrong.

Most of the reason I didn't sleep last night was because I was thinking about all this, although snoring was involved too. I so nearly got up and ran off home at 3am, couldn't find my pants though so I stayed. He woke up about four, started chatting and could tell I was awake, I said I'd not really been to sleep and he started asking why, what was up, what had he done wrong. I couldn't face talking about it at 4am with no sleep so I fobbed him off with the snoring but I don't know if he believed me.

I just feel like hiding away, ignoring his texts, not seeing him next week. In my head I think I've started to think this relationship isn't going to give me what I want and I've started to disengage. But on the other hand, it's clear he sees us being together long-term, he does some lovely things, but it's not enough. I've been seeing him for six months now which isn't a huge amount of time I know, but it's got to the point where for me it needs to move on a bit emotionally.

Help, please.

KinNora · 23/02/2013 09:09

I can't pretend to be any kind of relationship expert < glances at empty space next to me in the bed > but what do you want ? Because I think that's the starting point, once you've clarified that then you're in a position to either tell him or move on.

WarmFuzzyFun · 23/02/2013 09:11

Morning all. I am reading through about 30 pages so apologies if this post lands in the middle of something significant Blush

I have been persisting with my 'message a day' and being optimistic, but sometimes it is hard work! Nothing worthwhile has happened yet, but have decided to look at my profile content and perhaps add some new photos. I may have to look at a fwb arrangement as I am missing sex too much and was happiest/most content when I had 3 men on the go! Grin

Am supposed to be going out tonight but CBA, so will stay in and prepare for forthcoming week.

I will catch up soon and post something relevant to what's going on. Slow down.

WFF

KinNora · 23/02/2013 09:14

Hello WFF, it is bloody hard work, it's like sifting through the Sahara of knobbers trying trying to find a nugget of ' not bad '.

Flipper924 · 23/02/2013 09:15

Good morning, OWW, sorry you didn't sleep well. I hate that fuzzy tired feeling when that happens.

I can't give you any reassurances, because I don't know what's going on in your or LM's head, so I'll tell you what I can see from what you've said. I may have misunderstood along the way, so sorry in advance if what I say here doesn't reflect what you think.

You like LM. You and he get on well, and your respective DCs seem to get on well, too. You have fun together.

You frequently worry about where the relationship is going. You start conversations with LM about this, get scared that he's telling you he's not that into you, even though you're not quite sure if you've really understood him right, so you end the conversation.

I don't know what you feel about him, and I don't know what you're looking for that he's not providing. You seem to be insecure in this relationship, but I don't know if that's because of messages he's sending you, or because it's you that isn't really that into him.

I think 6 months is long enough, actually, to decide whether you like someone enough to take it further, but where do you want it to go? If you want to know whether he really loves you or if that was a one-off, then you can either wait around for him to tell you, which you don't seem to be enjoying at the moment, or you can ask him.

Reading this back, I sound very blunt. I'm really to trying to be harsh, just objective, because that helps me when I have a dilemma.

Flipper924 · 23/02/2013 09:16

And while typing my epic post, Nora has said what I was trying to say.

OhWesternWind · 23/02/2013 09:17

Morning Nora

What I think I want is an open, honest relationship where we can share our feelings about each other, be in love and admit it, be able to say "I love you" and know the feeling's mutual. I want a proper relationship with him.

All this is pre-supposing that he does actually love me. Hmm. I'm fed up of second guessing what his feelings are.

I'm scared to have the talk, don't want to hear another man telling me he likes me but doesn't love me, or whatever.

KinNora · 23/02/2013 09:35

( For what it's worth, I think it's absolutely evident from the way he behaves that he loves you )

The thing is ( and again with me sounding like I know what I'm on about ) that some men generally aren't very good at guessing what we want them to do, so I would tell him that this ^^ is what you want. He probably thinks that you are able to tell he loves you from the way he is with you.

It's all scary shit because it involves letting someone close to you - both for him and for you.

KinNora · 23/02/2013 09:38

Morning Flipper ! ( was going to blow you a kiss but it seemed a bit much so I didn't )

OhWesternWind · 23/02/2013 09:42

Thanks Flipper - setting it out like that really helps. I've only tried to have a conversation about feelings/where it's going once as I found it confusing and upsetting. LM said we'll talk about it again but we never have. I am sure he knows how I feel as I've mentioned the L word since (card and texts not face to face) but had no response at all.

He has said he's scared to open up, scared of things going wrong and getting hurt, but aren't we all?

KinNora · 23/02/2013 09:53

Yes OWW, we all are - I will be a one woman shambles if I ever get to that stage, I'll probably have to bus you lot in to talk me through it.

I would wait until he's got through all the pain surrounding his dad's anniversary, sit him down, and talk openly to him. I know it will be like pulling teeth but if necessary for your peace of mind (and I think you have to put you and your children ahead of anything else, especially you) then you have to go for it.

KinNora · 23/02/2013 09:55

By the way, I'm expecting the proper, wise, well balanced posters like Juliette to come along and give you better advice later, I'm a rank amateur.

Flipper924 · 23/02/2013 09:56

Eek, I'm not trying to be harsh!

It is scary.

In my experience, written I Love Yous don't have the same meaning for some people.

But look, you've just said that you're sure he knows how you feel, even though you've not said it out loud. Like Nora, I get the feeling that he could tell us exactly the same thing about you! God love you both, I think you should have the conversation. I think it would do you both good Grin

Morning, Nora!

Scattylatte · 23/02/2013 09:58

oww second guessing is a nightmare. In the past I've been with men and I've thought if I get up and walk away literally without saying anything they might not have even noticed, or would have got on with their life without a second thought. I felt invisible. I have no advice but I think that feeling of slight emptiness is maybe what it is. You have a right to have your emotional needs met.

Fireman and I are plodding along. We see each other about once a week as he works shifts and I don't. He tells me he is very fond of me, we plan our time together, it's semi lighthearted. I'm ok with that for now.

lubey hope you are ok.

velvet how was your date?

Hi to everyone else. Any daters dating today?