Here we go again. Dating thread 42

[VoiceofUnreason]

Evening all. As you were.

Thanks all. I've has a sleep and didn't text. Nothing happened with the neighbour, except got raging drunk, he isn't my type.

I was going to ask for something back if I text, I would like said item back but it's not the end of the world if I don't get it.

I have mostly kept in touch with exes. I still speak to a few from time to time. I wouldn't ever take up with this one again but it's the total no contact with someone who meant so much to me that I cannot stand atm. I would be quite happy just to maintain a friendship the only way I couldn't is if he got really serious with someone else as I would feel I was enabling him to do stuff behind someones back iyswim. I have already made my mind up that I won't sleep with him again, whilst he is living his life flitting between women.

Sorry meant to add the Velvet, I personally wouldn't invite him to a christening either. It's too couply too soon, mention it to him and say that you will have to go on your own and gauge his reaction, try not to make it sound like you are hinting, quickly change the subject.

Snape, sounds like nameless would like to spend time with you doing something more romantic. It sounds good.

Lubey, how are you doing?

Snape it's the first one! Cast out the crappy thoughts and enjoy it. Hope it's sunny.

Nomore will repeat my advice given earlier today and last night - don't worry about your stomach or whatever. He's not perfect, you're not, it doesn't matter. LM has a thing about having a fat belly and absolutely honestly I'd not even noticed til he started going on about it. So I've kept quiet about my many and varied funny bits, and had no complaints. It's just a meet-up and a chat, no pressure. It will be fine.

He said he'd check if the tea shop was open for lunch, he's been caught out before.

I said, if it isn't I will bring a flask and a cheese roll. This is so nice.

Can't promise I won't take him back home and shag him to within an inch of his life...and it's funny, I was thinking, we've only been out in public on date one... all the intimacy has been behind closed doors...he's kissed me on the cheek at the train station in parting but that's been it. Are we hand-holders? Are there PDAs? Strangely nervous, which is ridiculous, given I have seen his penis.

Alittle, well done! I'm glad I made sense. Scrazy also well done not texting.

I just remember back to all the times I've been there, done that, felt shit for one reason or another. All the little funny reasons my heart would do a very good job of convincing my brain were good, solid reasons... when really it was a load of pointless cack.

It's enormously liberating I think to have got to this point and realised all this. It's so much easier to deal with.

Scrazy, I'm ok thanks. Just hanging on in there I suppose.

It's been a long time since I've had feelings like this for anyone, well before texting was invented.

OWW, yes it is posh in parts but I just like being somewhere that feels, I don't know, easy, really. At least I get to spend the week here.

Further to the no contact debate, my last contact with Spud was in July last year when he had another one of his depressive crises and just stopped talking to me. My final two texts to him were ' So am I to assume you're not talking to me anymore ?' And then 2 days later ' Answered my own question there then'.

Not contacting him was easier in part because I just couldn't imagine him saying anything different to his normal litany of platitudes and I couldn't bear listening to it all again no matter how much I love him. Whenever I've felt the urge to email or text, I write it and store it as a draft rather than sending it. I have no intention of letting him bear witness to the pain he's caused me, hopefully the fucker thinks I'm out and about having an endlessly good time, being relentlessly shagged by George Clooney looky-likeys.

I don't think getting back in touch helps at all, it gives you no peace, no resolution, no comfort.

I am a new convert to no contact. I got a random notification that my LM had included me in some publication, and I was surprised that I wasn't even tempted for several hours to look at NC and I haven't even logged in to see it properly.

So Scazy what Lubey and others said.

Snape he wants to sit with you in the tree

Nomore what everyone else said so help yourself to the wet fish, it's a quick meet up to see if you like him.

Scrazy, it is possible to recover though and quicker than you think, even when your feelings are that deep.

I have never loved anyone as much as oh he of the big bad break up. And we had a completely wonderful and very involved, deep and meaningful relationship for 14 months. Nothing has ever been as devastating as that break up. I've been in love before and had some devastating and traumatic life events before but this outweighed all of them put together. I didn't want my life to not have him in it. It was all so bleak and painful and horrible.

I was starting to get there though, six months later. Two months after that I was actually fine. Six months after that I was having the time of my life with BC despite being convinced I would never love anyone again as much as that and that no one apart from ex would ever interest me again.

Again I think the heart comes up with a load of crap to keep you hurting as long as possible - they were the only one, never find that again, etc etc it's not true so don't listen to it

Western, glad you heard from LM and all is sorted re day out one way or the other. And totally agree with your approach to decorating, it's the sort of thing my parents would have made me do as a child if I'd responded like that! (I give in far too easily to my own children though...)

Snape, flask of tea in the park sounds lovely.

I've been out in London with DS2 and my best friend today egg hunting. Had a lovely time in the sunshine. Had a bit of a chat with her re the whole Christening thing when DS2 was briefly out of earshot, and think I've come to a decision, which is that I will ask Cuthbert if he'd like to come with me.

It happens to be on Easter weekend, so there is a high likelihood he'll be busy with his DC anyway, and if he is, he is. But I'd really like him to come with me. Not really to show him off (although he is lovely and I know everyone else will think so), but more because I love his company, and spending time with him.

It's not like he will be paraded to lots of people, because I barely know anyone who is going - other than the parents of the baby (who will obviously be busy talking to everyone etc) one friend is going with her DH (who I have never met), and there are a couple more people I once met v v briefly and barely know. If I go on my own I'll end up making small talk with complete strangers all afternoon, which is what I always end up doing at these kind of things, and which I find hard work. And - hugely selfishly - going by car with him rather than train on my own would reduce my journey time by about 2 hours each way.

I'm prepared for him to say no. In all honesty, I tend to expect the worst, so if he did say yes I would probably go into shock. I'm not even sure if I am seeing him this week, if I do I will ask, if not, it will keep to the next time I do see him.

Well put Lubey, so true.

I agree with you asking him, velvet, going against the grain a little. A relationship is what you want so there's nothing wrong with a little nudge in that direction. It's just another version of a date after all. No biggie.

What Lubey said ^^.

And I agree with Lubey about asking Cuthbert to the christening too, why shouldn't we just be open about what we'd like from men ?

You are all right, no good will come of me getting in touch. I'm just stuggling with it all and need to give myself more time to heal. I honestly don't think there is anyone else out there for me,

I felt like that about sodding voldemort.

With the benefits of distance, I actually think he is an arse... If I can be bothered to think about him at all. scrazy. I know it's difficult. You will crash occasionally. That's ok. :-). Crash and curl in and be kind to yourself & wake up a little, tiny bit further away the next day.

All manner of things are kick-ass.

See Scrazy I knew you would be torturing yourself with thoughts like that as mentioned in my post that's one of those things the heart does it's best to convince you of, it's bollocks. Honestly. Wholly untrue.

There are loads out there, potentially 'for you' who will be great - sometimes in different ways, and sometimes those different ways are better than you could possibly imagine. Like not being the type to have a few on the go and huge commitment issues. There's one plus point your next chap is going to have for a start, because you won't accept less.

You might not understand what I mean until you get there but for now just trust me and hold tight. It's still early days so just treat yourself like an absolute queen and work on telling those 'no one else blah blah' thoughts to fuck off

Nora I've been having a lot of conversations recently with my very intellugent, eccentric, wonderful and single male friend. His best relationship advice is that (most) men would like it if (most) women were more straightforward about saying what they want, instead of expecting the other person to intuitively know and then being upset when this doesn't work. So, I'm going to take his challenge starting from March and see where it leads me. It will be an interesting experiment at the very least.

Oddly enough, I'm really good at saying what I want in bed, which i used to find excruciatingly embarrassing. So now I just need to extend that to the other stuff.

The most difficult part is going to be deciding what I actually want. Some of it's easy - curry vs Italian - but not all of it. Sometimes I don't know what I want, sometimes I change my mind. It will be interesting and, I hope, a Good Thing.

OWW - I think, sweeping generalisation, a lot of people of BOTH sexes could communicate better with their OH/partner/dating companion/whatever. It's like they expect someone to be telepathic about things. Just TELL them or ASK them in a reasonable manner.

I need to keep reading some of this thread over and over again, it all makes so much sense and Lubey, what you have described is exactly the reason I kicked it into touch.

OWW, I will be expressing what I want with men in future.

Ah, Scrazy, I think we all go through that.

It's been a long long time since the lovely Ex and I ended, and I still have days months of thinking there's no-one else for me, or certainly no-one else like him.

The fact it took me 4 years of OD to get beyond a first date probably didn't help

I think all you can do is keep on keeping on. I don't believe there's only one person for anyone, but it's hard not to think that when you've only ever met one person you've felt like that about (if that makes sense...).

for me, I am going to say what I want more. I know when I asked that Ex of mine to a wedding, so many years ago now, I expected him to say yes. It never occurred to me not to ask, and I remember being not just disappointed he'd said no, but surprised as well. I used to ask for what I wanted, I stopped because it didn't seem to work, and I ended up feeling bad, or that I was being demanding. But now, with the benefit of age I can see it was more that the men were the wrong ones, not that the tactic was wrong!

That's very interesting, OWW. I don't want to speak for anyone else but I feel like I've been trained from childhood to meet others' needs and take what they want into consideration, rather than asking for what I want. In fact, I'm so out of practice that I wonder if I even know what I want half the time.

I was just struck that so many of us are worried about doing or saying the wrong thing, something that might scare off/offend/make a man think we're needy - well who made their feelings more important than ours ? Fuck 'em. Just as I'm weaning myself off saying 'sorry', I'm going to start being a bit more demanding. If they can't cope, they're not the man for me.

Voice I know I do this. I'm guilty as charged, and it's a really stupid way to behave in a relationship. LM isn't a mind reader and neither am I. I suppose why we do it is that the other person should be so in tune with our psyche and our innermost feelings that they will just know and we will all live happily ever after. So having to tell/ ask for something means that you aren't actually twin hearts beating as one ....

I'm sure it's also got something to do with being brought up with all sorts if rules about being agreeable and pleasant and thinking of others before yourself and not pushing yourself forward etc etc etc that also makes it difficult. This might be more of a female thing as I dont think these attitudes were pushed onto boys as much, and possibly an age thing too. I think in general men may find it easier to be assertive.

Thinking of it as a challenge/game/experiment will make it easier for me, in a strange way.

Scrazy :) I save it to my bookmarks when there's something that resonates. Or sometimes copy things and keep them in a draft email where I can re-read it easily.

Velvet - know what you mean. Even now, just occasionally, I think about my first girlfriend who was killed in a car crash. We were so right together and I'm not sure I ever felt quite the same about my two LTRs that followed. Because I have no idea whether we'd have gone the distance, I suppose. We didn't split up, or fall out, she was taken away. I've moved on, of course, but sometimes....