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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Here we go again. Dating thread 42

999 replies

VoiceofUnreason · 16/02/2013 16:42

Evening all. As you were.

OP posts:
Scrazy · 17/02/2013 14:20

Kin, you are right, but I will probably do it anyway. I will go back to bed and sleep on it.

KinNora · 17/02/2013 14:23

I completely understand, Scrazy, going no contact is a bugger.

Movingforward123 · 17/02/2013 14:25

Scrazy - did anything happen with the neighbour? If it was me I would have probably slept with him then regretted it big time today, which would distract me from wanting to text the ex!! ConfusedConfused

Don't text him, even if its hard, why don you get on Pof for a distraction maybe? There's plenty if fools on there to chat to WinkWink might occupy you for an hour or so!

JulietteMontague · 17/02/2013 14:55

Kin good one. That's given me ideas. Maybe someone can improve on this, as I don't want to give him the excuse of 'man woman' so cold is the way to go.

How about something along the lines of 'Hi x, how are you today. Do you know, there are some men on here who email just to see if they can actually get a date. It may be because they are needy and want an ego boost but it gives me the impression that if we did actually meet, they would be unable to actually produce the goods.

Best regards

J

JulietteMontague · 17/02/2013 15:04

mad woman, not man woman!

lubeybooby · 17/02/2013 15:20

Scrazy seriously don't do it

The fact he hasn't been in contact is closure enough, and that he doesn't want what you want is closure enough. Texting him now will just lead to feeling even more shit than you do now, either by giving in and dropping your standards ending up meeting him accepting the crumbs he wants to give, or by realising just what I said above in the first two sentences, or just because all contact sets you back... or a combination of all of those.

Nothing good or useful can come of it. Don't do it. Especially after a night on the depressants (wine!)

Snapespeare · 17/02/2013 15:24

Do NOT TEXT!

seriously. No need. You're too busy & happy to give him even the slightest thought.

ike1 · 17/02/2013 15:29

Kin, TR's experience of 'Madchester' was quite a few year ago now...no way he would be teasing a floppy fringe out that kojak do now.

I dont think hanging out with the dirty ruggies while working in a children's home helped him appreciate the finer aspects of the city either.

48howdidthathappen · 17/02/2013 16:02

Scrazy Do not text. Picking the scab will do you no good at all.

OhWesternWind · 17/02/2013 16:30

Scrazy don't text. Put your phone somewhere inconvenient until the urge passes. Write DNT (for Do Not Text) on the back of your hands. Delete his number. Shag the neighbour. Do some cleaning. Go to the cinema without your phone. Whatever it takes!

I really understand, but you'll just feel worse. How about writing it all down in a letter then symbolically burning it?

OhWesternWind · 17/02/2013 16:32

Not too far from me, Nora! Definitely the right side. It has got a bit posh though hasn't it (in parts) ...

Nomorepain · 17/02/2013 16:37

Hi all!!

Sorry for lack of posts had friends with me all weekend! It's been lovely

Right well, didn't meet Mr Irish on fri. He couldn't get his friends to go out and it was very casual meet up anyway. We have kind of set something up for Wed. Loads of texts. He seems keen. Told me a lot about himself. Seems nice. Really nice and defo ticks my boxes on paper. Here is the catch. He has seen one pic of me. It's a good pic. He is very picky about things and sounds quite particular with high standards. We are fussy about the same stuff, sounds so ridic writing it down, but shoes, smells, clothes etc. mainly material stuff if I am honest and that sounds soooo shallow. I'm just worried that he has got these high standards and will be massively disappointed when we meet. I am not thin, I have got a wobbly belly, I put on confident front but inside I am bit of a self doubting wreck. I am scared.

There has been a lot of chat and sharing of info. Think we should have met before because now I feel tremendous pressure to meet him. It feels like a biiiiiiig deal now.

mercury7 · 17/02/2013 16:43

perhaps some sort of guide to resisting text temptation would be in order...I'm useless, I resist for a while then I get the urge in a weak moment and I just send it Blush

What sometimes works is making a draft text on my computer and then thinking it over.

Men must have these issue too? Other wise why would they not contact you for ages and then suddenly 'blurt' out a text, apropos of nothingHmm

ike1 · 17/02/2013 16:44

Nomore I totally get where you are coming from lovely really. xxx

OhWesternWind · 17/02/2013 16:56

I always end up texting as well. I've just decided to text if I feel like it with LM but exes are a different thing.

So, we might be going on our day out tomorrow or might be Tuesday. Good reason for this so I'm okay with it. Decorating is going okay but it's taken dd two days so far to strip about one square metre of wallpaper. I'm determined that she'll do it, even if it holds everything up, just because when I asked her to help she said, "Why should I?". So I told her. So she's doing it Grin

ike1 · 17/02/2013 17:04

The Kid is from Holland I have only known two dutch people both very pleasant, non-udgemental peeps but my humour was totally lost on them...must not make assumptions based on culture...hmmmm

ike1 · 17/02/2013 17:05

judgemental

ike1 · 17/02/2013 17:06

oww thats MY style of parenting that is...

lubeybooby · 17/02/2013 17:17

The thing with no contact and no texting is to stop and ask yourself what the point is

This of course only applies to exes in any form be it exbf exh exfwb.. btw.

If your brain manages to come up with some twisted reason for the contact, that you've convinced yourself is reasonable, try to unravel it. Post it here. If you don't want to post the reason here chances are you already know deep down that it's daft and pointless.

Like with BC... what is the point in me contacting him? Even though we didn't fall out, he did nothing wrong, he didn't treat me badly, there's still no point. There is seriously none. All it would do is spark a conversation that would remind me how well we get on and that he is a 12 hour plane journey away. I'd feel like shit. I don't want to feel like shit, I'm into self preservation rather than destruction.

What about the ex of the famed big bad break up? If I contacted him now I'd look sad and desperate. He made his choice and is clearly happy with it. So again, no point. I could tell myself I need closure, I could tell myself it's been ages now so I want to see how he is doing, but even if he did reply it would only confirm how happy he is with his choice, it would pick the scab and be pointless.

What about exes that contact me just saying hi? I don't reply to them either, otherwise I'm just feeding their ego, or giving them false hope... delete as applicable. There's no point replying just to be friendly or because 'I'm a nice person' you can be a nice person and still ignore people who serve no purpose in your life.

And, thinking of the above, I wouldn't want to text an ex of any kind and have them reply just to be friendly, or feed my ego, and/or result in giving me false hope.

So really truly ask yourself what the point is and what exactly you hope the outcome will be.

and as I say if you would hesitate to post it here, chances are you already know you are being daft.

mercury7 · 17/02/2013 17:30

if the other person has made it clear they want things to be over I have no problem stepping away, similarly if I've made it clear that I want out I'd just ignore contact, or send one curt reply.

It's those loose arrangements, which I find difficult, where the door is never quite shut..the bridge never completely burned

Snapespeare · 17/02/2013 17:30

I'd quite like a twitter account where people can post the texts they want to text their exes.

Nameless has just asked me to the park on Tuesday afternoon. Grin can't work out if he likes me or is going to dump me. Hmm I think it's the first one, but I can't quite believe it.

lubeybooby · 17/02/2013 17:31

Snape it's the first one! :o

Snapespeare · 17/02/2013 17:36

nomore stop that right now! If he is 'massively disappointed' by your wobbly belly, then tough fucking shit. It's a simple meet up on both your behalfs to see if there is any spark or point in seeing each other again. If there isn't, then there isn't. If that's because of a wobbly belly then he's an idiot.

48howdidthathappen · 17/02/2013 17:55

It has been a beautiful sunny day here.

Spent the day horse riding and dog walking. Was bloody great Smile

Alittlestranger · 17/02/2013 17:56

Snape he likes you.

Lubey good post, and has made me delete an email I was composing to an ex. In my mind I had good cause and it was all breezy, but I could see from his POV it would not look like that.

Velvet I err too much on the side of casual/caution, but I would not ask him in your situation. A christianing isn't one of those occasions where you are expected to bring a date and it's a loaded environment for someone to meet friends/family. I'd be cautious about inviting someone I considered a boyfriend if it was early days/uncertain future and correct me if I'm wrong but LC hasn't even been granted boyfriend status yet has he?

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