Here we go again. Dating thread 42

[VoiceofUnreason]

Evening all. As you were.

Kin, it's funny, my slightly weird upbringing was the opposite, being an only child to 2 'older' parents, who pretty much indulged my every whim, meant I honestly expected the world to revolve around me. I thought that any man I liked would adore me and do anything for me, much as my parents had. The reality was so different I gave up ever asking anything. Time to redress the balance!

Voice, I think the lost possibility of your situation must be ever so hard to bear. It's difficult enough dealing with the loss of a relationship that has gone wrong (for one reason or other) and still thinking of the good times wistfully, but never knowing what might have been must be incredibly tough.

OWW, it's so funny that you're talking about asking for what you want in a relationship, and not expecting the other person to be a mind-reader, as it's just what Mr C and I were talking about last night.

I'm really bad at this and hint at what I want, hoping he'll realise what I'm saying - and I've realised it's not a fair way of behaving at all. I'm going to try being more straight-forward and asking for what I want, but I know I'm going to find it really hard.

of course it would be great if people could be straightforward in relationships, but I wont be holding my breath...people are complex and convoluted, with conflicting wants and needs, shifting emotions.
Not to mention the various conscious and unconscious power struggles.

It's a wonder anyone manages to get on with anyone else for more than 5 minutes!

KinNora my mother told me repeatedly not to put my own needs last, be assertive etc but whenever I showed any signs of acting on her advice, she was horrified. I can remember her scolding me at about age 8 for being 'too demanding' in a shoe shop (ie asking the saleswoman to show me various shoes then not buying any when they weren't what I wanted). Nor did she practise what she preached - one time some Jehovah's Witnesses came to call and rather than tell them she wasn't interested she listened politely to their spiel then once they'd gone she put the leaflets they'd left with us up the vacuum cleaner. So really the message I got was that everyone else's feelings were more important than ours and we must not ask for what we wanted/speak our minds for fear of offending them. I must have shaken it off because whenever I answer the door to a Jehovah's Witness/energy company rep/collector for charity I have no trouble in courteously dismissing them but it's taken me years and years to be able to do that. I have to say living in London helps, the pester level is so high you have to learn to deal with it.

Wow loving the thread tonight. So many wise words out there that really ring true for me.

I haven't got anything wise to add but just wanted to say thanks, you have all helped me to become sooooo much stronger and sassier. And to deal with the ups and downs of dating in a more adult (although very often still childish) manner!!

And lubes I think you rock!! You are amazing to be dishing out such brill advice with everything that is going on!!

I can't help but be in touch with my Ex. Not my STBXW, who obviously I'm in touch with because of DC arrangements and legalities and stuff, but the one who I still think of as the One That Got Away. It was only a year and a half, years ago now, but we had an on-again, off-again thing for years afterwards, she was always the woman I compared everyone else to, which wasn't really fair on anyone. And we're still 'friends' now - occasionally with benefits, occasionally not. Part of me still thinks we'll get together and that'll be it, like some Harry met Sally thing. The more realistic part of me thinks I just have to say goodbye forever to her, which is like cutting off a limb.

Shit.

Just been out for birthday food/drinks with some mates. Was nice. 4 other blokes talking about childcare issues and the scariest food they've ever eaten, travelling for work and how shit/cool it is. Nice evening with friends.

I did not snog any of them.

:)

sounds painful Bant.
I guess that, in the absence of a show down/falling out/unforgivable act, it's quite common for some relationships to never quite finish?

Is it your birthday, Bant?

It is Flip.

And yes, a bit painful Merc, but also sometimes fantastic. What can you do?

Happy Birthday if it is yours Bant! Here is my opinion for what it is worth....yes ask for what you want ...but also prepare to be denied and try not to take it personally.

I do ask for support emotionally from partners/frinds but find that often the person is unable to give it for their own personal reasons. I am now more able to deal with that and not allow it to devastate me, or stop me from still reaching out in the future.

In other matters...went to see Django Unchained...wow! What a powerful, disturbing and complex film. I think Tarantino is quite genius...I want to go away and have a really good think about what I have just seen.

Oh and maybe it is true...if you love someone you have to set them free.

painful but sometimes fantastic sounds familiar!
I dont have a clue what to do either.

Thanks for the film review Ike...I'll check it out!

Do it Merc...TOTALLY worth the two and a half hours fabulous acting fabulos script scenery everything. Tarantino at his best!

fabulous

Put it this way I have never really rated DiCaprio much but he acted his ass off in this film...great stuff!

I auditioned for part in show that my ex is involved with. Decided to say "fuck it!" And got it. However, my two close friends don't audition until tomorrow and I'm concerned they may not get in (they would normally be guaranteed but huge turnout). I can cope with seeing the ex and her new bloke twice a week if I have these two friends with me, but not otherwise. So I'm a bit in limbo about it.

In other news, La Bellissma and I won't be meeting up. We tick many of each other's boxes and she seems very nice but although she's undecided about kids, she can't say she definitely doesn't want them. As she's looking for long term (in her profile she says she wants to find Mr Right, not Mr Right Now) she doesn't want to close the door on something that might prove so important. Have heard this from others, so not surprised. It was good to have some nice messages with someone lovely and gave me a little boost. It'll keep me going for the next few months of radio silence.

ike I thought Django started very well but got lost about 2/3 in. I do think Tarantino a great film maker, but I wish he would restrain himself or allow someone to edit his stuff a bit sometimes.

Oh and watch out for Samual L Jackson's character possibly even more disturbing that DiCaprio's ...anyhoo as you all were before I came charging into the commune..back from my night out at the flicks..

I have to disagree with you on that point Voice....it is an EPIC film and I really dont think it needed paring down...it is such uncomfortable viewing that time becomes immaterial. There are many plot subtexts that need to unfold.

...and that characters and acting had me mesmerised..

Happy birthday bant x

ike - his own cameo is APPALLING. He really shouldn't act. I don't necessarily mean edit for length (although I do think it's a bit overlong - second half dragged for me) but I find him a bit self-indulgent at times. I mean edit generally - one less subplot here, one less outlandish character there. But I agree he is a very talented guy.

Happy Birthday Bant glad you had a good one

Oh yeah Voice but he does that for his own pleasure dont think it is serious...bit like Hitchcock. The Smauel L Jackson character is a a very brave move for such a big Hollywood film. Possibly the fight scenes are maybe a tad indulgent but that goes with the territory...it is Tarantino after all.

I like the spot the Tarantino cameos ...but my he appears to have put on some weight.

Happy birthday Bant

Im only in touch with one ex. My kids dad. We will always be close.

I always firmly shut the door otherwise. For me moving on works.