Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

What do I say to Dp?

80 replies

Onceupon · 15/02/2013 19:07

Dp has emailed me a reservation he made for me for a night away, by myself. I really don't want to go. The timing just doesn't suit.

I am actually quite upset as he did this before and I asked him not to. Mainly due to the fact that he works long hours and is busy with sports etc and I am expected to fit my free time in around what suits him. I am a sahm and have very little time to myself.

If we are going to spend this much money I would like to have a say in where I go and when.

The train and hotel are last minute, non refundable.

I feel like I have no control over my own life at all.

If he was trying to something nice he should have paid attention to what we have discussed before.

Maybe I sound ungrateful and didn't explain well but it is because he has gone and done something I clearly asked him not to and now I'll have to go as I can't waste all that money.

OP posts:

Shybairns · 15/02/2013 19:12

Yes you'll have to go this time. And try to have fun.

But when you are back talk to him again about how you feel about things.

Not being listened to is very frustrating.

tribpot · 15/02/2013 19:16

How weird, so he's actually chosen a hotel and is effectively sending you away for the night? I bet he's dead chuffed with himself for making the effort too!

I think you absolutely must say something and it can be along the lines of 'I appreciate that you are wanting to treat me but I don't want to go away with no notice, I'd like to be able to plan it properly so I can really enjoy myself. I will go this time because the money is committed but in future, like I said to you before, this isn't the sort of surprise I like'.

It almost sounds like an unexpected window's opening up in his own calendar when it's convenient for his wife to be out of the way so it's now or never. WTF. How are you meant to feel this is actually a treat for you??

I suspect you're going to need to put your foot down and let the money go to waste at some point - either this time or next.

Sausagedog27 · 15/02/2013 19:17

To be honest, if he hasn't listened so far, I'd be tempted not to go, make him stand up and listen. If you go will he be 'see I told you' etc?

Original poster

Onceupon · 15/02/2013 19:23

Thanks everyone. I was nervous posting as I thought you would all say I am an ungrateful cow.

I do feel like I am being sent away without a say. I already made plans to take our dd's out tomorrow. We were talking about it all day and now I will be letting them down.

I need some shoes, underwear etc but now I won't be able to get what I need on top of cost of trip, meals etc

OP posts:

theoriginalandbestrookie · 15/02/2013 19:26

I don't understand why you have to spend money? Isn't he paying for it?

Bobyan · 15/02/2013 19:26

Mmm, this sounds more like he's asserting his authority over you. Making you do what you are told.
Stay at home and make him go instead.

DameFanny · 15/02/2013 19:29

Yy. Do what you want to tomorrow - it's he that's wasted the money and if he thinks the reservations have to be used he can go.

Original poster

Onceupon · 15/02/2013 19:32

He has paid for it, yes but we have a joint account so if all this money is coming out for the trip it doesn't sit well with me to spend more on myself. If I was going for just a few hours shopping closer to home I could budget more for the things I need.

OP posts:

tribpot · 15/02/2013 19:35

God - so it's actually tomorrow?? This is even more bizarre. I don't think you should let your dds down. How are you meant to enjoy a day 'off' when you already had plans - and important plans at that?

I agree with Bobyan, I would tell him he can go instead. What's he going to do with the dds whilst you're away? Is he going to take them out?

scaevola · 15/02/2013 19:37

Yes, I think it's weird. Unless there is somewhere you've been talking about (Ragdale Hall for me) or it's so you can go to a particular event which matches your interests (as that would be a thoughtful treat); I think it's very peculiar be thinking of a solo break away. Let alone booking one without consulting.

Even in the "nice surprise" category, I think it's high risk not to check dates. And it has rather left me wondering what he's planning for himself that requires your absence.

Whocansay · 15/02/2013 19:39

I go without a word and come back early, unannounced, to find out what the hell he's doing that he needs me to be out of the way so desperately!

But I'm cynical.

changeforthebetter · 15/02/2013 19:41

How weird and rather controlling. Of course, you shouldn't go if you don't want to. He has ignored your wishes and unilaterally decided to send you off with barely any notice. I think this is a weekend for a cards-on-the-table discussion about the way your marriage is and how unhappy it makes you. Does he think because he earns money he has more right to free time than you? Good luck

Original poster

Onceupon · 15/02/2013 19:43

He will take great care of the dcs and he will probably take them out. No issues there. He won't be getting up to anything I'm 100 percent sure of that.

He just hasn't a clue about me these days. He sees that after doing the bulk of housework/child care etc that I need a break so he does this. It isn't the first time. I have gone before and had a good time but luckily I was able to meet a friend but this time I know she isn't around. If he had put any thought in it HE knows she is away at the moment.

OP posts:

SanityClause · 15/02/2013 19:44

I don't think you should go, just because it's paid for. You asked him not to do this again, and he ignored your wishes. He has wasted the money, not you.

yoyo123 · 15/02/2013 19:47

men are strange beings.., it may be that he thinks that it will be a treat for you. I would hate it!

glitterbug82 · 15/02/2013 19:52

To be honest I would take it as a 'right, I'm not taking no for an answer. You're having you one and that's that'. We've all had that overly 'busy' friend that we've dragged to the pub, demanding she take a break and have some fun. And just like you those friends are all
Genuinely busy, there's never a good time because responsibility never stops, so we almost have to force the situation and often feel like we're doing them a favour but not realising its not what you want. Men are tuned differently to us. They listen but kinda process it differently. He had your interests at heart, even if it doesn't seem it. Men are never gonna listen as well as our girlfriends do. It's just nature. Now go and enjoy your night away

theoriginalandbestrookie · 15/02/2013 19:56

I'd go as it's paid for, but if you need new underwear and shoes then buy them provided it doesn't mean there is no money for buying food for the rest of the month.

It is irritating and I would be annoyed at DH if he did such a thing, but I guess it is paid for. Is there any chance he can do with the children what you were going to do?

ImperialBlether · 15/02/2013 20:38

I wouldn't go! It's not a treat for you, is it?

MarilynValentine · 15/02/2013 21:53

Jesus. Controlling behaviour.

Don't go.

It's not as if he's planned a really special surprise - he just chose a weekend that fitted around all his needs and bought the easiest thing last minute. It kind of reinforces the idea that your needs are secondary.

MarilynValentine · 15/02/2013 21:55

I mean you presumably want something that is yours, that you choose, that you can plan and look forward to.

This is his, not yours.

Grrrr!

Original poster

Onceupon · 15/02/2013 22:05

I'm just going to go. I tried talking to him but its useless. He means well. He says I need a break and I do but I wish it was on my terms.

OP posts:

WorriedTeenMum · 15/02/2013 22:10

The money is already spent so it isnt a waste whether you go or not (accountant advice - never make a decision on the basis of a sunk cost).

So...

Go only if you want to.

What to say to him? Quote your own OP:

If we are going to spend this much money I would like to have a say in where I go and when.

Next time we go on holiday we will ask our teen DCs if they want to come. IMO you are entitled to the same courtesy.

tribpot · 15/02/2013 22:10

You'll keep doing this - and resenting the shit out of it, the inconvenience, the expense, the presumption on his part - until you tackle it head on.

I would resolve when you get back to stop letting your entire life revolve around him. Start by planning your own bloody break!

Hope you manage to enjoy it.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 22:18

You don't have to go

Give the hotel place to one of your friends, stay home and tell him to fuck off for the night

who the hell does he think he is ?

do as you are told by Little Fucking Hitler this time, you will be doing it for ever more

you are not an obedient little wifey, are you ?

then don't act like one

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 22:19

what's all this "you have to go now"..."when you get back you will have to talk to him"...

dig your fucking heels in and refuse

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread