What do I say to Dp?

[Onceupon]

Dp has emailed me a reservation he made for me for a night away, by myself. I really don't want to go. The timing just doesn't suit.

I am actually quite upset as he did this before and I asked him not to. Mainly due to the fact that he works long hours and is busy with sports etc and I am expected to fit my free time in around what suits him. I am a sahm and have very little time to myself.

If we are going to spend this much money I would like to have a say in where I go and when.

The train and hotel are last minute, non refundable.

I feel like I have no control over my own life at all.

If he was trying to something nice he should have paid attention to what we have discussed before.

Maybe I sound ungrateful and didn't explain well but it is because he has gone and done something I clearly asked him not to and now I'll have to go as I can't waste all that money.

[KeatsiePie]

Tbh. I don't think I would go either. If it were the first time, I would go. Since you've made it clear that you don't like this, you shouldn't have to go and do it anyway. I would be asking "look, really, why did you do this when I asked you not to?" until I got a proper answer, like until he had thought about it and explained for real. "I just thought you needed a break" does not really explain it as he knew you wouldn't like it.

[PoppettyPing]

Weird. Just sending you off, on your own, when you've told him that's not your cup of tea? It does sound a bit controlling and inconsiderate. If he really wanted to treat you, why couldn't he have taken a day off work/sports and done all the housework and cooked you and DCs a meal, and let you put your feet up or read a book in a hot bath?

[PoppettyPing]

Or whatever it is that is YOUR idea of a nice treat!

[Dryjuice25]

He is taking the piss! He knows you will not be happy about it, but he will make you go anyway...
This is a fucking power play. He will win it, because you will go as you don't want to waste the money. Money is power. He is a fucking idiot and he knows exactly what he is doing and is very disrespectiful. I hate people like him!

I would definately become really ill not go to break the cycle. He is a fucking child who needs to grow up and learn his lessons

[cjel]

I don't think you have to go either. You can go and enjoy it and take it in the spirit it was meant caring and loving. Or you can waste weekend and be miserable at how horrid your DH is. I don't think you are ungrateful and understand the upset about not being listened to but don't get the anger that is directed towards DH on here. Just a thought but is he right that you need a break and your reaction to this is part of the being overstressed and feeling not valued? Whatever you decide I wish you good weekend.

[AnyFucker]

Ah. It's your own fault OP that you are feeling controlled and unhappy.

That's not a great reply, cjel

[cjel]

didn't mean to suggest that, sorry, just when I've been stressed in the past I've misread things that DH did and he couldn't do right for doing wrong!! Also haven't been good at getting my point across (clearly still not!!!)and although for example OP had told him she didn't want him to do it, he may have thought it was her way of saying we can't afford it and she wasn't worth it or something and he thought he was genuinely being kind by doing this as a surprise and the suddeness was trying to make sure she used the treat and could spend ages trying to get out of what he thinks is something good. No way meant to say that is was OPs 'fault' Hope I haven't made you feel worse. Just don't always agree that DHs are controlling bastards as some people think on here.

[cjel]

'couldn't' not could get out of it.

[AnyFucker]

Controlling is as controlling does

In other words, he is trying to make her do what she has told him she doesn't want to

and she feels she can't say no...even though she hates the idea of it

[Onceupon]

Thanks for all the replies.

I suppose it is controlling. He sees me getting stressed and arranges a little break so I'll come back and be grateful and not expect him to be around so much.

He does work very hard and I appreciate that because of it I can be at home with the dcs but he doesn't seem to make the connection that if he puts in extra hours so do I.

He makes me feel guilty for getting a bit tired and fed up with the kids but it doesn't happen all that often. I am a bit of a home bird and love being a sahm but it makes me feel powerless. I feel I have to check with him before I make any plans because he is so busy and it feels like asking permission. In fact I know I actually say 'would it be ok if I go out for a meal on x night' . How pathetic is that?

[AnyFucker]

That's not good

So what he does is...pat little wifey on the head and send her off against her wishes for a speshul feminine treat of his choosing

fuck that

[AnyFucker]

Do you get much time to see your friends at all ?

Or he would rather you go and sit in a hotel room (but I suppose it's a naice hotel room....) on your own ?

why?

why would he do that ?

why doesn't he just mind his own kids and you have a night out with friends, of your own choosing ?

[AnyFucker]

are you nervous of your husband, OP ?

[Onceupon]

Not nervous of him, no. He has never raised his voice let alone a hand to me.

It would take all night to go into details but I had crippling PND after Dc1 was born. I rarely left the house. He got used to living his life without considering I might want to go anywhere or have any plans.

I know I'm not entirely blameless, it's like I know I haven't the energy to resolve things so I just let it go.

[LilyAmaryllis]

You've said you really don't want to go. So please don't go! I wouldn't want to go on my own to a hotel, just for no reason!

(I have enjoyed being on my own in hotels... but there has been a positive reason for me to be there - eg work, someone's wedding)

You will just be wishing you were with your daughters. Don't go, then he won't buy this silly "surprise" for you again.

[AnyFucker]

But you are changing your behaviour because of him. You don't want to be packed off to a hotel on your own. But you are shutting the fuck up and going anyway (to keep the peace)

You would like to simply inform him you are going out one evening (as is your right) but you feel unable to do it (to keep the peace)

What "peace"

How much "peace" will be shattered if you stop treading on eggshells and do as you are ordered ?

Worrying stuff, sorry

[AnyFucker]

doing as you are ordered

[KeatsiePie]

"He got used to living his life without considering I might want to go anywhere or have any plans."

This does makes sense to me -- it sounds like he got used to making many/all of the decisions in order to take care of things while you were not well. But that was a while ago it sounds like. So now, he has to get used to the fact that you want to be a joint participant in decisions as they are made.

And, he has to realize the fact that how hard/long he works has a direct impact on how hard/long you work.

So unless there are more serious issues in play (such as the issues AnyFucker is wondering about) it seems like you just need to tell him that as you guys are a team, you need to make plans together. Both wrt. his work schedule, your workload at home, and the time each of you will take off. I don't mean to oversimplify but would a straightforward talk with him on this not just take care of it? Would he listen and respond reasonably?

[KeatsiePie]

Oops, ignore the "both." 3 concerns there, not 2.

[MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot]

If it were me, I'd go. Not because I'd feel I had to or should but because your relationship needs some thinking about (by both of you) and I would tell him that's why I was going - not because he's booked it and was effectively sending me away. I would say to him that he's doing exactly what I told him I didn't want to do, that I was fed up of him thinking he was the only one 'putting in extra hours', that you are both parents and you are not the default parent only getting 'you' time on his schedule etc etc etc lay it all on the line before you go. Tell him you will be spending the time deciding if you still want to be in this marriage and if you do, what he needs to do to make it OK. Then go, enjoy it as much as you can and do some thinking.

I often think PND is not caused so much by hormones and pregnancy as it is by unsuppportive partners!! (I'm sure it's not entirely, but there does seem to be a huge amount of cross over!).

[HollyBerryBush]

This is the sort of demented good intentioned thing my DH used to do!

Like yours he knows I'll never spend money on myself - however my idea of hell is a spa weekend. So we've had no more of those bright ideas and no, I didn't go.

He has now learned that asking the girls in his office for bright ideas just isn't ever going to come anywhere close to anything I might like to see/want/do.

[cjel]

Am concerned by the number of directive 'yous' in posts by any!! They sound very controlling. PND has variety of causes and its sometimes hard to know which came first, partner that wasn't coping or pnd so see some sense in that view although having suffered and been helped by balancing hormones I do think its hormonal. I do however still hold the view that not all dps are bastards and while not blaming OP in any way, do think that sometimes when we are stressed and have pnd it is easy to misunderstand the motives of others. Obviously spell out how you feel but also be aware that we don't always think straight all the time.

[badinage]

This is a very controlling gesture because this 'gift' is actually a gift to himself. For some reason he wants you out of the way this weekend, but instead of being honest about needing some space from you, he's dressed it up as a thoughtful gift that you'd be unreasonable to refuse. It would still be bad if money was no option, but the fact that you're in effect going to have to go without the things you wanted to spend the money on, makes this even more controlling.

It's possibly too late now, but I'd say no and stay around to tackle this sort of headfuckery.

[cjel]

I still am not convinced that it is headfuckery as you say any more than a bottle of wine or bunch of flowers would be. Why does DH have to be mental? just because he made a bad choice doesn't mean he's controlling. He will have dcs for company this weekend so is hardly planning a rave is he?

[cloutiedumpling]

Do your kids wake you up through the night? If so, I'd go to the hotel, have a really early night and enjoy a long lie in with breakfast cooked.

Do you get enough time off from the kids? Maybe it'd help if you sat down and agreed times off that you'd both have individually without the kids. And then make sure that you take that time off, even if you just sit in a café drinking coffee.