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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it always best to be honest? (No affairs involved)

40 replies

k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 18:20

Don't mean to be vague, but the facts are fuzzy. I may not love dh anymore, or maybe in having trouble with this more mature me I've become since becoming a mother.
The issue is that Dh gets on my nerves constantly, I am so easily irritated even I can't understand it! It's everything, the way he talks, the way he chews, the way he hits the spoon on the pan while cooking... It's ridiculous! I want to talk, but don't know what to say iyswim Hmm

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 15/02/2013 18:21

When did you have your baby OP?

Are you feeling ok otherwise?

AThingInYourLife · 15/02/2013 18:23

Well don't tell him that.

That would be cruel and not even honest.

You can't be honest until you work out what you really feel and why.

Dumping your distaste of him in his lap with nothing constructive to offer would not be fair.

Presumably you once loved him.

Honour that until you have some kind of clarity about what you want.

AThingInYourLife · 15/02/2013 18:25

Oh, good catch walter.

How are you feeling generally? How old is your baby?

Original poster
k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 18:27

Baby is a toddler! Almost 2 yoBlush
I know what you mean, that's why I asked! I feel just mean and horrible...

OP posts:
Original poster
k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 18:29

Oh and I did love him yes! Still do in the caring kind of love, I just don't know.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 15/02/2013 18:29

I'm not going to shout PND on you k2 but I'm sure you know it doesn't have to arrive straight after the baby.

How long have you felt this way? Do you feel ok in general? Is there anything else on your mind?

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2013 18:31

AThing it's just because it sounds familiar!

I felt that way about DH after dc3. I didn't recognise it because I'd never had PND on the other two so didn't even think it was a possibility!

Original poster
k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 18:37

Hadn't thought of that walter, so you felt like this? We've considered pnd since the beginning, but was diagnosed with PTSD instead and had Cbt for it, it really helped with birth trauma.
I'd love some drugs to make me feel like I used to! I don't know what other symptoms I'd have, it's been so long I don't remember how not to feel this way!

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 15/02/2013 18:44

Yes, exactly like you! It was horrible. It was like, I could remember loving him but at that time I couldn't imagine it because he seemed like such an irritating shit! Blush

Everything he did annoyed me. Then he started tiptoeing around me and then that annoyed me because I felt guilty!

I wasn't sleeping either. At all!

Looking back, it's a bit of a blur. I don't remember it properly. I know how I was but can't really remember it being me IYSWIM!

I went to my GP one day and just started to cry. I couldn't tell you why I was crying I just cried and cried!

I was put on mild medication to start with and had some counselling.

When I started to get better, I was shocked that I had thought I didn't love him. I adore him! But it was just because I was ill.

I don't want to hijack or make you think that you have it. Your post just hit a chord with me. And it sounds like you had a really rough time with the birth which could possibly be causing ongoing depression.

Are you sad/angry? Are you sleeping?

Original poster
k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 18:52

I'm always angry, which I didn't used to, I used to be a very upbeat, cheerful person.

Your suggestion has hit a chord with me too, my only unease it that it does mean it all lies with me, which I've been screaming to him that it doesn't! Maybe screaming that you aren't crazy is in itself a sign of craziness??Shock

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 15/02/2013 18:56

my only unease it that it does mean it all lies with me, which I've been screaming to him that it doesn't

It doesn't lie with you :) it wouldn't be your fault any more than having the flu would be. It's a sickness and out of your control!

Plus, I could have won an award in screaming! I wasn't abusive or anything just very, very difficult to live with!

But DH has never, not once, held it against me. He was just relieved to see me happy again!

I think if you are angry all the time and you weren't always like that, it might be worth looking at the possibility? Maybe just a chat with your GP on Monday to start with?

And I'm always here to chat or pm me :)

Original poster
k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 19:00

Thanks, I know it's not my fault, that's not what I meant, more that I'm the one that is ill.
After the horror of PTSD I've been very keen on being mentally healthy, and whenever dh has questioned the effectiveness of Cbt I've become very defensive.
I know I'm a nightmare to live with, I'll go and see my gp. Thanks again.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 15/02/2013 19:00

Definitely consider depression (sorry Sad). When I was depressed I don't remember being sad at all - just constantly angry and upset. Oh, and I couldn't sleep either.

Finally went to the GP about the insomnia - wonderful bloke spent 5 min talking to me and prescribed mild anti depressants. I had forgotten what normal feels like (it's wonderful, by the way).

AThingInYourLife · 15/02/2013 19:05

Glad you are going back to your GP.

Best of luck, k2 :)

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2013 19:07

I had forgotten what normal feels like (it's wonderful, by the way)

YY to this. It was such a relief!

I know what you mean, k2 but please remember how far you've come from your PTSD and how strong you are to even think there's something wrong! (((Un-mumsnetty hugs)))

And keep posting! Even just to chit-chat!

Original poster
k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 19:12

Ok now I'm crying reading your posts... Def not normal, am I?
Now that you mention the sleep, I've been wondering how is it that when ds has a good night I still wake up and don't go back to sleep even when I'm exhausted, in all honesty I though my body was use to not sleeping due to ds! Gosh I've not been thinking straight!!

OP posts:
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 15/02/2013 19:16

I think you should speak to the GP. I went on ADs for a year. I felt like you and went to the GP and filled in the questionnaire and talked about how I felt etc. I saw her every fortnight to begin with and then every 8 weeks whilst on them and regularly re-completed the questionnaire and then I came off them slowly whilst seeing the GP regularly when ready and my score was good. It sounds like a faff but when properly monitored and supported they truly are fantastic. I felt like a new person and wondered exactly how long I'd been depressed after they began to work.

I was often in a low mood for most of the day beforehand. I felt worthless and useless a lot and I had lost enjoyment and interest in life, I had poor motivation and simple tasks seemed difficult. I was always lacking in energy, irritable and tired. I couldn?t just snap out of it, life felt so grey. I had this sinking feeling that the whole journey of life was now going to be like this with little enjoyment and even less hope.

I had this lethargy, this weariness for life and hopelessness. Everyday was like wading through treacle and yes my husband at the time, I was exactly like you, very angry, everything he did made me angry. Everything!

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 15/02/2013 19:17

Yes I had trouble sleeping too Sad

Original poster
k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 19:37

Thanks dontstep, I have a really good gp so hopefully it'll work out, glad it did for you!

OP posts:
jjgirl · 15/02/2013 19:41

Are you on the mini pill? It can cause these side effects in some people.

Original poster
k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 19:50

No way jji!! I am!

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Original poster
k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 19:51

Although I wasn't much better before going on it...

OP posts:
MissHairspray · 15/02/2013 20:01

I was going to say mini pill too - it made me have all of these really negative thoughts, but in a way that I knew just weren't coming from any rational place. I put two and two together, stopped taking it and a week later pretty much back to normal. The advice about going to your gp though still sounds very good.

Original poster
k2togm1 · 18/02/2013 15:57

Wow, can't believe it might have been the mini pill, it's been 3 days of not taking it and I already don't have as many people as before, and actually feel some degree of sympathy for dh... Have a gp app next week. Thanks again, I wouldn't have though of it by myself!

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 18/02/2013 16:45

Glad you're feeling better k2 :)

But do go to your GP app just in case!