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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it always best to be honest? (No affairs involved)

40 replies

k2togm1 · 15/02/2013 18:20

Don't mean to be vague, but the facts are fuzzy. I may not love dh anymore, or maybe in having trouble with this more mature me I've become since becoming a mother.
The issue is that Dh gets on my nerves constantly, I am so easily irritated even I can't understand it! It's everything, the way he talks, the way he chews, the way he hits the spoon on the pan while cooking... It's ridiculous! I want to talk, but don't know what to say iyswim

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k2togm1 · 18/02/2013 17:32

'Have' should read *hate!
Thanks, will do.

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k2togm1 · 19/02/2013 09:42

Just in case someone is still reading, yesterday I was feeling great, and had a chance to talk with dh ( our house is overcrowded ATM) so I told him everything about my question here and your answers, etc, and now he is upset. He's happy that I seem to have found a solution to a problem, but he worries that I asked a question about honesty, he believes that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, something he sticks by even to the bitter end (such as no that dress does not look good on you kind of thing, which I appreciate to certain extent...), his own family fell apart when he was a teenager due to the weight of a lot of lies, so I understand where he is coming from. I feel I would've been kinder not telling him everything...
And he is also upset about me asking these questions to an online community before talking with him about then issues, it's the second time this happens, that's where he is coming from.
So everyone now is upset, and I feel truly down again.

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DIYapprentice · 19/02/2013 10:10

You asked a question about honesty - because you knew that if you told him everything you felt it would have really, really hurt him.

There is a difference between caring/loving honesty and brutal honesty. You knew the way you were feeling was wrong and something had to be done. You were being HONEST with yourself, and trying to avoid hurting him. Loving honesty tries to avoid making the situation worse, tries to find ways of fixing things without crushing people in the process. By asking on an anonymous forum where nobody would be hurt by what you said, you had a chance of getting some honest advice (which might have been brutal, actually! But as you don't have a relationship with these anonymous people, would have been easier to recover from)

Brutal honesty is exactly that - brutal. And quite frankly many people and relationships never recover from brutal honesty. Brutal honesty is actually very unkind. It says 'I don't care how you feel about what I say, I'm going to say it no matter how much it hurts you'.

I think your DH is too extreme in his honesty, veering towards brutal honesty and if he doesn't watch it, it could cause irrecoverable damage to your relationship. Loving honesty is nothing like the lying upbringing he had.

k2togm1 · 19/02/2013 11:07

Thank you diyapprentice, thank you for putting into coherent words what I thought.
We are, apart from everything else, in a difficult situation because my parents are living with us and we have no space/time to ourselves whatsoever. I know this needs to change quickly! We need to talk with time and space to ourselves before its too late.

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waltermittymissus · 19/02/2013 14:25

There is such a thing as too much honesty.

You're asking questions because you want to understand what it is that's 'wrong'. This is absolutely the best place to come. He can't know PND. He can't know the side effects of contraception.

He needs to stop being selfish and realise that you need an avenue and if this is it, then that's great.

Or would he rather you'd said "I don't love you, we're over"?

Because even if you did decide that, it would be a well thought out decision and not because of any other factors!

k2togm1 · 24/02/2013 22:37

Just an update as don't want to run from thread. We've had some time to talk and things are better, we agree we should always talk, but it takes me (mainly) sometime to come down and think things clearly, which means 'delaying' honesty so I don't blurt out horrible things in anger.
He didn't get at first how it possibly bring depression could be a positive in my eyes, but after I told him about some of the things said in this thread he understands.
I'm going to the gp on Tuesday.
Thank you all again.

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DontstepontheMomeRaths · 24/02/2013 22:40

Good luck x

k2togm1 · 25/02/2013 09:10

Thanks dontstep!
Bring should have been *being!!

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k2togm1 · 27/02/2013 10:48

Update. Went to see gp yesterday and she remembered me and said: ' I'm glad you've come round to having some medication for depression, I always thought you needed it' !!! Background to this is that when I went to see her I felt she was just throwing drugs at me when what I wanted was therapy, and Cbt was def good for me, but perhaps I had both PTSD and pnd...

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Busybusybust · 27/02/2013 11:05

Oh my goodness - this resonates with me too! After DC4. Although I knew I had PND, the doctor didn't believe me, so it went untreated.

I didn't actually equate that my DH annoyed the Hell out of me with PND. I was utterly vile to him. To this day I have no idea why he didn't leave me - God knows I treated him so badly that he deserved to be canonised for sticking with me. It passed eventually and we got over it.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 27/02/2013 18:25

Oh I'm so so glad that you went, let me know how it continues to go x

cupcake78 · 27/02/2013 18:44

All sounds very familiar op. I had PND after ds and denied it. I was so angry and snappy, couldn't sleep and dh just grated on me. Everything he did was so annoying.

I didn't feel normal, I thought it was just the change to motherhood but I really knew it wasn't right.

I'm pleased your getting help with this now. Good luck

DIYapprentice · 27/02/2013 20:10

I'm so pleased you went, OP, and that your GP was so supportive.

k2togm1 · 01/03/2013 17:49

Well, have taken only two citaliprams so far (5mg a day, so take a 10mg tablet every two, due to 'being a sensitive soul' according to go ) and wow, first day didn't sleep and had nausea and a splitting headache, now, although very early days, feel amazing! Haven't hated dh in a full two days, and can see how he is doing things that a week ago would have sent me off the walls, and now I don't care! How weird is that?? But the biggest change is with ds, can't really put it into words, but its like its the first time I really 'enjoy' him being ds, and truly feel unconditional love towards him, heck, I'm even grateful at his birth! (Which caused PTSD if you remember). In short, amazing. Should have done it soooo much sooner.

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k2togm1 · 01/03/2013 17:50

*gp

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