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Original poster

Ex at wedding

206 replies

Heynegrita · 12/02/2013 13:58

I am going to be chief bridesmaid at a wedding soon. My ex partner will be there with his new girlfriend. I left him approx 2 years ago for another man.

He has said I cannot bring my new partner to the wedding.

The wedding couple are friends of both of us. The groom being my ex's best friend.

Although I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding, I am wondering if I can leave early. I feel everyone will be judging me as all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either.

We are all in our thirties.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 15/02/2013 13:39

I do agree that Bride is supposed to be spending her time pondering which eyeliner/lippy to wear, how to not trip over her dress at any stage, how to prevent Auntie Winfred from dozing off into her soup, etc, not OP's exh and his obsessive witterings.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/02/2013 13:39

I appreciate that being abused by someone is hard and takes a long time to get over (and can totally understand someone refusing to be in the same room as the person who raped/defrauded him/her). But just being left - tough shit. Get over it. Trying to drag everyone else into it is not acceptable.

The fact that this man is issuing orders to the OP and saying she must obey him or he will get her banned from the wedding makes it very, very clear what a prick he is.

Whocansay · 15/02/2013 13:40

I think anyone trying to control an ex spouse 2 years later would get told to get a grip. You really think it's OK for a bitter ex to dictate the guest list at someone else's wedding?

And fwiw, the OP has been asked to be a BM. The ex is not involved with the wedding party and is just a guest, so suggesting that all their friends have sided with the ex is bullshit.

VoiceofUnreason · 15/02/2013 13:44

Whocan - OP said this: "all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either"

So while ALL their friends may not have sided with the ex, the OP herself has said plenty have, so it's not quite "bullshit" as you suggest

At the end of the day, the bride and groom CHOSE not to invite the OP's DP to begin with. Whether the ex said anything to them or not doesn't matter. If they listened to him, then that was their CHOICE, it's their wedding.

The constant harping on about whether he has a right to be upset two years on has NOTHING to do with the original posting's question.

DontmindifIdo · 15/02/2013 13:45

The other thing is, I find it very hard to believe he's still 'grieving' the loss of the OP from his life if he's been with his current girlfriend for over a year. It's not like she's just a shoulder for him to cry on, that's a new long term relationship, that he's trying to make the OP explain why she left him even though he's been with someone else for that long is insane, and completely unreasonable towards his current DP, it does religate her to "the runners up medal" stakes, if I was her, I'd be reconsidering my relationship - no one wants to feel like their DP is with them only because someone else who he'd rather have doesn't want him. He's basically saying to her "you'll do, but Heynegrita is who I really can't be without." Even if he treated me like royalty, I'd dump for that.

ItsintheBag · 15/02/2013 13:57

I can even understand after two years not being over someone, it happens.Sometimes you get in deeper than the other person.In the case of marrying someone its your forever person, even if you do have problems.

But male or female,anyone who is causing drama for the other person while stringing some poor other woman along deserves no sympathy, the cheek of the email aswell.He can't have it both ways, be so injured that seeing you in hard and bringing his girlfriend!

Lueji · 15/02/2013 14:03

Maybe I should use your advice tell them to just 'suck it up'.

I'm afraid that's what they have to do.
As anyone else who has been left.
They have to deal with it and move on.
There is no other way.

Whocansay · 15/02/2013 14:13

Voice But the B&G DID originally invite her DP. It was only after the ex started kicking up a stink that they thought it might be best if he didn't come. And since the B&G socialise with the OP and her DP, they clearly have no problem with her being split from her ex.

And OP also said her EXH friends didn't want her DP at the wedding, not her friends or joint friends. You're reading stuff that isn't there. At least, not from what the OP's written. So yes, it is bullshit to suggest all the friends have sided with him.

And other things become relevant, as things have moved on from the original post. The ex has asked her not to go at all. I think its now very relevant that the ex is still hung up about it after 2 years and a new partner. This is about his pride and control. He has a right to be hurt, but has no right whatsoever to dictate the guest list and make a wedding all about him.

Original poster
Heynegrita · 15/02/2013 14:14

The g/f is a work colleague who he has known for ages. They were close when we were married but there was no affair. It was just a close friendship. They then got together shortly after I left the marriage. My point being they have been together awhile.

The wedding is may plenty of time for everything to settle down. I hope.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 15/02/2013 14:16

The OP has an absolute right to walk away from a relationship if she wants to. For whatever reason she wants, no matter how trivial it may be to anyone else. She doesn't have to flagellate herself for it either.

MimiSunshine · 15/02/2013 14:27

I would strongly suggest not forwarding the email on to bride and groom,its not fair to put it on them, you must be important to the bride to be her Chief bridesmaid.
Don?t discuss it anymore with friends as at the end of the day its no one else?s business.

Of course Exh?s friends are all agreeing with him, god knows how he paints things to them and at the end of the day even close friends get sick of hearing about the same cr4p and just start agreeing with you if you?re constantly crying on their shoulders about relationship stuff from years ago.

Your OH probably wouldn?t enjoy the wedding as it sounds like he would only know you, bride and groom and you?ll be busy, so while its frustrating he?s not invited, its no big deal really.

However I?d reply back to the Ex and say you?ve already discussed the end of the marriage and you don?t have anything further to clear up. You feel that to rehash it would be disrespectful to his new GF (don?t mention your OH) so you are going to cut all contact now.
You hope he feels able to enjoy the wedding but as you are chief bridesmaid, you mostly certainly will be there (don?t mention him not going ? you don?t want to give him further ammo to slag you off with).

Then just stop responding to his emails and block his contact, he can?t forever control you just because you left him

VoiceofUnreason · 15/02/2013 14:28

Whocan - This thread really isn't clear due to the various drip feeds which is why I asked for clarification as to whether the OPs DP was ever originally formally invited. OP said he was NOT. Whether this was due to the EXH interfering is a matter for debate, but point us originally, for whatever reason B&S DID NOT INVITE HIM. THEIR choice.

They later, verbally, when they were all out drinking, said he could come, which I would take to mean the evening do, otherwise it would have been formal.

Marcheline · 15/02/2013 14:35

Heynegrita, I hope itdoes all settle down. You sound perfectly reasonable so I'm sure you'll do what's right for your friends on their wedding day. Then you can go back to ignoring crazy ex.

Whocansay · 15/02/2013 15:00

Voice I thought that they asked the DP before the formal invitations went out and then changed their minds after being guilt tripped by the ex, although this is not clear. It doesn't really matter. The point is, the B&G clearly have no problem with either the DP or the OP, or they wouldn't be socialising with them and would not have invited the DP at all.

I'm not clear at what you're trying to suggest, tbh Voice. But we don't burn people who leave husbands and then clutches pearls goes out with a new partner.

OP, sorry to be talking about you like you're not here! I would simply ignore the ex. Engaging with him will make him worse as he'll have got the attention he craves.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 15/02/2013 15:07

Quite, Autumn

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/02/2013 15:18

Good job the happy couple picked May this year or exH might have had to wait another year minimum before airing all this.

cuillereasoupe · 15/02/2013 17:57

This is probably worth re-highlighting - she didn't "just meet" someone and waltz out of a perfectly healthy relationship for him

Well she would say that wouldn't she?

There's a distinct air of "Tsk, those pesky exes. Why can't they just get with the programme already?" about this thread.

I'd tend to agree with CuChullain. Two years isn't that long to get over someone, and this isn't just any old event, it's a highly symbolic and emotionally charged one. I'm afraid OP I think this is a lump you have to take.

MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 18:14

I think you probably missed the bit where the OP said the ex is now asking HER not to go to the wedding.

Nobody's saying he can't still be upset (though his current GF might have some views on that), but he can't start interfering with the choice of chief bridesmaid for someone else's wedding FGS.

cuillereasoupe · 15/02/2013 18:25

No he can't dictate, but he can ask her to withdraw gracefully. I haven't gone back upthread to read the email he sent but I'm not surprised he can't face seeing her at someone else's wedding. Breakups cause unpleasant fallout, yes even two years later.

He's also been the object of some pretty unpleasant comments that I think are not on.

HilaryClinton · 15/02/2013 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2013 18:35

Well he could have asked the bride and groom not to invite her or to withdraw the invitation but he didn't.

My guess is, he wouldn't even tell them what he had done and OP would look like the bad guy even more!

As much as OP has no right to dictate who should be allowed to go (her DP), ex has no right to dictate who shouldn't!

MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 18:38

No he can't dictate, but he can ask her to withdraw gracefully.

Why, what about the bloody bride?? Doesn't she get a say in who's on her top table at this "highly symbolic and emotionally charged event"?

cuillereasoupe · 15/02/2013 18:43

Asking isn't dictating... but I agree it needed to go through the bride.

cuillereasoupe · 15/02/2013 18:47

actually I've changed my mind. I think that since OP is chief bridesmaid he should have withdrawn. He could only have asked her to withdraw if she were just an ordinary guest.

waltermittymissus · 15/02/2013 18:57

I actually don't think he could have asked ever! It's not his wedding to ask about!

He could have asked the b&g not to invite her I suppose. But I suspect he either did that already or he wouldn't want to!