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Original poster

Ex at wedding

206 replies

Heynegrita · 12/02/2013 13:58

I am going to be chief bridesmaid at a wedding soon. My ex partner will be there with his new girlfriend. I left him approx 2 years ago for another man.

He has said I cannot bring my new partner to the wedding.

The wedding couple are friends of both of us. The groom being my ex's best friend.

Although I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding, I am wondering if I can leave early. I feel everyone will be judging me as all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either.

We are all in our thirties.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 15/02/2013 07:56

I am truely shocked by his e-mail and thisnk this is unbeleivable. I agree that OP has behaved with utter dignity.
However, if I was the bride, I would not want to be dealing with all this. The bride is supposed to be thinking of herself, their day etc, not worrying about bridesmades, exh's, possible fights or animosity etc. Someone had a fight at our wedding. Dh and I never saw it ourselves, but when we were told, actually we were horrified.

ZenNudist · 15/02/2013 07:58

Darn just wrote long post & lost it!

How does your dp feel about it? It can't be much fun at wedding if you're BM.

Could be your chance to be a good friend whilst dp gets out of a boring social engagement.

That said I see going to someone's wedding as a show of solidarity for the future friendship. You can say years down the line that you were there, you were BM. If all things considered you feel they have been unfair to you, lose them as friend's after the wedding. Then she will be stuck with you in the photos as a permanent reminder of being a shitty friend! [evil laugh]

Littleturkish · 15/02/2013 08:03

Perhaps the bride feels upset that your ex is taking presidence over her wedding day?

She and her husband have invited you and your partner, given you an important role and insisted you stay and enjoy yourself.

Now you're giving your room away, not bringing your DP, contemplating not coming- to her, it could just be hurt you don't want to celebrate with her- rather than not wanting you/your DP there.

I say go, with your DP and start living your lives in the present.

I'm in a v similar situation in that my fiancé and I got together shortly following our long term relationship/marriages ending. Now his ex is BM at a friends wedding, and despite being best friends we've recieved eve invites. But we were both invited- that's what matters. I understand his ex feels injured- however, it's been nearly two years, we're engaged and expecting a baby, and although he left her and it is sad- there was no affair, no cheating, no reason to blame me or punish him.

I say go, live your life in NOW rather than pandering to his obsession with the past.

Original poster
Heynegrita · 15/02/2013 08:07

I like the thought of the photo. Made me laugh. I'm not sure they are being unfair they just want their wedding to go smoothly. I get that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heynegrita · 15/02/2013 08:09

They only invited my DP when we were out and they were drinking. I think it was a spur if the moment.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 15/02/2013 08:10

Actually, I now think my advise to reply to him is wrong. I think it sounds like he's not actually upset about seeing you at the wedding, but more is liking what little control it gives him over you/the situation again. If he's not got over it (which is what it sounds like) for 2 years he's had to just get on with life and not be able to force you to discuss it or have any excuse to let you know how he feels. Now he's making as much fuss as he can because this is the only chance he's got. Trying to force you to discuss 'what went wrong' before he'll "allow" you to be BM for someone else is not about not wanting you there, but trying to use someone else's wedding to run his own agenda.

What you should do is forward his e-mail to the bride (and groom if possible) and say:

"hi [bride]

Please see the message below from [exH]. I'm very tempted to give him a piece of my mind, he seems to be trying to use your wedding to force me to hash over "what went wrong in our marriage" and if he doesn't like the answer, he feels he has a right to decide who you have as your bridesmaid!!

I'm going to tell him to do one. Not having [DP] at the wedding in order to keep [exH] happy was disappointing, but both [DP] and I know you were in a difficult position, but now to say he's going to 'ban' me being your bridesmaid when you've already bought dresses etc is not on, particularly as it's not like it's his choice who you have at your wedding!

However, I thought before I told him this I'd check what you would like me to say, or if you or [Groom] would prefer that I said nothing and you have a word with him. I am concerned if we ignore this little 'guestzilla' outburst, he'll make a scene on the day, and in that case, it might be better if I do step down as bridesmaid if it's not possible for him to act in a civilised manner for one day - I'd hate for anything to ruin your day.

Let me know your thoughts,

OP."

You might find they've decided they have had enough and while your DP not being there didn't upset their plans too much, or you leaving before the evening do (when you'd done all your bridesmaid duties) wouldn't impact that much on their day/plans. But this does mean wasting the money they've spent on dresses, possibly dealing with embarrassing conversations about why OP is now suddenly not a bridesmaid (when a lot of family and friends will already know who the bridesmaids are) - that might be enough for them to stop pandering. If it's not they aren't really your friends and are rather weak people...

Oblomov · 15/02/2013 08:11

Exh does sound obsessed, but lets cut him a bit of slack. You only have to read the relationship boards to know that people do nto get over affairs easily. Yes it's been 2 years. I dred to think how long it would take me to get over it, if dh was unfaithful to me. Probably never.

Whocansay · 15/02/2013 08:12

Oh, well that's easy. Tell him you left him because he's a controlling twat. It doesn't need a discussion.

He's trying to put a wedge between you and your friends. Don't let him do this because you feel guilty. You're allowed to be happy too you know.

Oblomov · 15/02/2013 08:14

I do think Op should go and take her dp. But I have to say that from the bride's p-o-v, this whole thing is a total nightmare.
When is this wedding? How soon?

ItsintheBag · 15/02/2013 08:23

I think you have to be the bigger person not hard he sounds like a twat
You just can't win no matter what you do.
Btw, weddings don't give EX carte blanch to be a tit and I am sorry but unless bride has lived in a cave she must have known ex was still sore with you if her DP and him are such good friends that his tantrum is being pandered too.
I wouldn't bother my arse with him or these lemmings that happily drop you because he says so two years later.
I would go(if that's what you still want),leave DP at home and leave early.Avoid ex husbag Grin at all costs.
Sorry these friends you mention they are no friends of yours.Cut them all loose.

MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 08:29

I would forward it to the bride too and ask what she wants you to do, and stress you still really, really want to be there to support her and leave quietly early like you've said. But you'll go with her decision.

I know it's hard on her to have to deal with this shit, but you're being forced into this position, your ex is being an arse. What's he going to do if you turn up, try and stop you getting into the venue??

HilaryClinton · 15/02/2013 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Springdiva · 15/02/2013 08:37

I would say he is just after revenge. Thus stirring things up as much as possible. Better that you go along to the wedding (maybe don't stay late) and act nice and friendly to everyone, that way there is more chance of him letting things move on after this. If you let him 'win' this he might feel he is justified in continiuing this nastiness.

As far as your joint friends taking sides, ime everyone just wants a peaceful life and keeps their heads down, but might agree with the last person they spoke to (your ex) just to keep in with them.

Familyguyfan · 15/02/2013 08:46

I think I would be tempted to reply that this wedding isn't about him. It is actually about the Bride and Groom. If he feels unable to attend, he will need to inform them but you will not be discussing anything to do with your former relationship, either now or in the future as the matter is closed.

MagicHouse · 15/02/2013 08:47

He sounds very controlling and stuck in the past. This would infuriate me, but ultimately I think I woud decide not to go (unless that would really upset the bride, but if she's saying that it's best if you leave early that doesn't sound like the case). Why should you sit on the bus all alone, while he and his friends make you feel uncomfortable. Why put yourself through that?

I would speak to her first, but then maybe reply to him (and cc her) something along the lines of..

Dear ex,
I am sorry that you seem to be stuck in the past over this. We have been through the reasons behind the end of our marriage many times and I am not about to do so again. I have moved on, and am very happy. There is nothing I would like more than for you to do the same.
Thinking about your request for me to stay away, I have decided to do so. Not for you, but for (bride and groom); I would hate for their day to be spoilt because you cannot cope with seeing me there. I am disappointed for them, having paid out for my dress and place at the wedding, but ultimately feel I should put them first.
As an aside, I really think that you need support in coping with our marriage break-up, and perhaps counselling might help you to move forward.
Regards,
Heynegrita

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 15/02/2013 08:51

I feel for your DP, as he gets on with your friends but isn't invited to their wedding.

If your friends are so quick to pander to your ex without thinking about your/your DP's feelings, I'd be looking to make new friends.

Are you actually going to enjoy the wedding? Is it going to be a day to get through, or would it be a huge relief to give up your role and not go?

If you see your DP in your future, I would do what is best for you and him. This is the beginning, if your friends have children, there may be christenings and birthday parties etc, who knows how long it will take your ex to get over you... could be years!

I would forward his email to the bride and if they take his side, you know exactly where you stand don't you.

wheredidiputit · 15/02/2013 08:53

I would drop out completely. They are not your friends if they allow him to do this to you.

Why would you be involved in something where everyone thinks you are not a nice person.

I read this as you and your exp (think you said you didn't marry) both met some else, but you were man enough to leave and start a new life with you DP and with his DP? soon after.

wheredidiputit · 15/02/2013 08:54

Sorry meant to read.

I read this as you and your exp (think you said you didn't marry) both met some else, but you were man enough to leave and start a new life with you DP and him with his DP? soon after/at the same time.

Lueji · 15/02/2013 08:57

I don't think they allowed it.
That's why he sent that email to you, op.

VoiceofUnreason · 15/02/2013 09:05

Sorry, it's all a bit 'drip feed' to follow. Am I right in thinking that your DP was never formally invited to the wedding in the first place? You say upthread that he was only invited as a spur of the moment thing when you were all out drinking. Suggests right from the word go they were aware there was a potential issue and they were trying to avoid it.

2rebecca · 15/02/2013 09:07

I'm not clear that the bride and groom are putting the ex first though, the OP just seems to be taking her ex's concerns too seriously to me.
I'd phone the bride and try and have a chat about what she would really like to happen. What the ex would like to happen is irrelevent. If bride and groom are happy for you and your partner to go then I'd go, your ex can stay away if he can't cope.
I wouldn't forward emails as to me emails are private. I would tell her the gist of the emails though.
I doubt I would stop going if I had been asked to be bridesmaid though.

bleedingheart · 15/02/2013 09:08

I feel sorry for his current partner too.

I know how hard it is when you have finished with someone and they want answers which you feel you have already given. You feel indifferent and wish them well and can't understand why they won't let it go. I also know how hard it is when someone finishes with you and you want answers and can't understand how they can walk away!

That said he is being very selfish and very hurtful towards his current partner. If she had seen that email I wonder how she would feel? Very insecure I imagine unless she is extremely understanding.

Your friends should have forseen this issue if they are still friends with him and know his feelings. Perhaps they should not have given you this role unless they were prepared to stick up for you.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 15/02/2013 09:13

Well the OPs DP isn't invited, so he really can't go. The only question is whether the OP goes. Tbh if this was me, given that the bride didn't push back when you said you'd leave early - in fact she said that would be a good idea- I would bow out completely. Yes, you're probably in the right but do you want to prove that point at the expense of your friends wedding day?

Marcheline · 15/02/2013 09:20

The idea of this man getting to dictate the wedding party of another couple is ridiculous!

Ignore his email, carry on being chief bridesmaid and ignore him at the wedding. You are allowing him to still have power over you. It all seems overly dramatic and you aren't helping it by agonising and talking to the bride about it.

I think the reason she let you give up your hotel room is that she is utterly sick of your drama overshadowing her wedding. Don't forward the email on to her, don't discuss it any more, just do your job and support the couple on their wedding day.

It seems a bit much for your xh to still want 'closure'. He just wants to make you miserable and suffer. Don't let him, and if anyone mentions it, you could remind them that it all happened years ago, he has a new partner and you are not children any more.

2rebecca · 15/02/2013 09:21

The OP's DP was invited, the OP doesn't say that that invite was rescinded, just that he had decided not to go because the ex and his friends were having tantrums about it. It sounds as though it was a verbal not written invite though.